medc, I do want to apologize. I NEVER want to be one of those posters who tell others what and how to post. I hope you accept my apology.

Yes this is a dilemma of a lifetime.

And I personally hold the opinion that it is cruel and inhumane of your H to ask you to make this decision without DNA proof in your hand that this decision is really necessary!

This is why I have spoken to you like a broken record - get proof first then decide!

Your decision - based on your personal limits and your knowledge of yourself - should be made with full awareness of what exactly you'll be getting yourself AND your children into.

OW's can be like snakes - coiled and waiting, appearing to be asleep, but actually poised and ready for you to step unaware so they can strike and bite you.

The phrase "if I give in" is automatically a negative choice and a huge resentment for the future. Do not make any choice guaranteed to provide you a life time of resentment.

You cannot make your husband's choice for him.
He is free to make his own choices.
OW may pressure H to continue the affair by dangling a precious baby in front of him. This has happened to other BWs and you should never, and I mean NEVER, turn your back on OW if you stay married. There will be pressure put on you to relax your vigilance - but don't be a fool. OW is and will be a threat to your marriage for decades, if not the rest of her life.

I don't have an opinion of WHAT your choice should be.
I do have an opinion that you should not make YOUR personal choice until after you have proof.

If you decide to delay your decision - that's OK too - but delay your decision accepting and knowing that your H will be seeing OW/OC with or without your knowledge or permission.

Once a man has stated he will be part of the OC's life, they generally will do whatever they must do - including lying to their wife and screwing OW to make contact with OC happen.

If OW still has warm fuzzy feelings about your H - she will use OC as a wedge to seduce him. OW may decide that OC needs a sibling (it's happened before)

So my advice to you

1. decide after you have proof in your hand
2. decide without anyone else pushing their agenda on you

3. if you decide to stay married insist on the stipulation that your H calls the Harley Coaching #, their experience can assist how you draw the boundaries of this situation that keeps OW/Snake away from your husband



Your H and just about everyone else will try to serve you a guilt sandwich if you don't bend yourself into a pretzel making OC the number one priority in this situation - putting OC's needs before your needs, before the needs of your children, and before the needs of your marriage safety and security.

My prayers for you and your children -

Pep

That is the truth. In addition most people don't know what it is like to deal with a crazy OW for the rest of their lives. Many of these women USE the OC for their own gain. This is far worse for the child then the father being NC. It IS sad. I wish all children had a stable family, but to force the COM to have a part time dad so the OC can have contact with dad is truly NOT right. Nobody wins in these situations.

you owe me no apology...but yes, accepted.

I understand your passion(and can feel your pain) about this. I am certain you understand my passion for children(I am sure that you know I feel that supersedes everything). That may result in a butting of heads on occasion, but I think i know you well enough to realize your intentions are good.


I respect you and your views...even when I do not agree with them.

My H is living proof of this, hurtmom. Pep knows what she is talking about. My H refused to get DNA cuz it would have cut off his supply of sex with the OW. He allowed her to write a ridiculous "custody and visitation" agreement and SIGNED it to shut her up so she would not cut off his supply of sex. You get the picture?

and a reminder ....

This is first and foremost a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE.

The goal of the owners of this site is to provide a forum where married couples, or soon to be married couples, can discuss and learn the basic principles that can turn a so-so marriage or even a terribly damaged marriage into a loving caring sanctuary for both spouses.

Use this site to help repair your marriage - IF that is your choice.

You may want to call Harleys for an appointment yourself, without your husband. Ask them what are the chances your marriage will fully recover, should you "give in to".

THIS: ~~~> "give in to" is a very very bad idea.

Pep

The feeling is mutual. Thank you.

LMAO. Where in the world have you come up with this?

And while this is a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE it is NOT a marriage at all costs site.

It is possible to build your marriage and still take care of ALL of your children.

medc,,,,,, you seem to have a unigue style of playing symantics. I have to agree with FF here that you did tell this lady what she "should" do. so you didn't use the word "must".

that being said maybe suggesting such actions with a little more care in word choice could work better. neither do i care what anyones opinion is on a site such as this. i do respect all opinions though. but i am more concerned with how they are stated. we can be honest and still state it with empathy.

I do however agree with your statement

""""""Just because I never experienced something does not mean I cannot offer a valuable/intelligent opinion"""""""""

there are a great many male drs delivering babies who have never experienced the act of giving birth but in fact have a great deal of knowledge on the subject.

HURT,,,,, you seem to be between a rock and a hard place with trying to decide which way is best for you. i understand both views on the subject of C vs NC.

I do believe that you need to be less considerate of your h's position and worry more about what YOU need at this early stage.

for a h/father who wants to be active in all his C's lives. does he understand that choosing C with oc could in fact separate him from his COM should YOU decide you can not deal with him having C?

being a bh whose om has visitation and pays cs i can give you the opinion from ow h should she be married (i don't know).

i felt at the time that visitation and cs were the way to go. both morally and om's responsibility wise. and in those ways i still do. BUT and this is a big BUT. now that i am down the road 7 odd yrs i have come to the realization that from MY standpoint i wish he had nc with us.

this is not because of any fear of the A starting or om making waves in my M. it is from my own (selfish maybe) position that i miss oc when she is away. my house just has an empty void n it.

so here is a suggestions and it is just that. you can give it some thought or just s#!t can it. your choice. and please people don't start on me with the using the oc garbage.

if you and your h cannot come to terms about nc vs c and you still want to give your M a try. maybe since this oc is still so young your h will consider a period of say 1 year without c or very limited c.

that would give you 2 a chance to rebuild your relationship without the drama of ow/oc presence.

then you and h can reevaluate where you both are and move on from there. also since oc is still so young he/she will be able to begin and have a meaningful relationship without any in my life out of my life hangups.

with my oldest son i wasn't allowed to see him until he was almost 2 yo and we have an excellent relationship. the same is true with our oc. om didn't meet her until about 20 months and she has adjusted just fine.

anyhow just a thought.

take care of yourself

there are NO semantics..I can suggest to someone what I think they SHOULD do...I cannot tell them what they MUST do.

Perhaps a bit more care in reading what I actually wrote is on order.

John Edwards has lied to and continues to lie to his dying wife and to his older children and Edwards lies to the public/media in order to see OC while he probably continues to screw OW.

Once a man says they want contact with OC - they are willing to risk putting other family members under the bus to make contact happen.

These things will not stop a man from secretly seeing OW/OC once he has made up his mind:

wife's cancer
wife's pain
children's pain
public opinion
religious beliefs


Pep

1. decide after you have proof in your hand

2. decide without anyone else pushing their agenda on you

3. if you decide to stay married insist on the stipulation that your H calls the Harley Coaching #, their experience can assist how you draw the boundaries of this situation that keeps OW/Snake away from your husband

Those things did not stop THAT man from doing it. Assuming that men generally (as a rule) would do this is based on what???

I think as a rule, women are backstabbing cheaters that should never be allowed out the front door.

I base this on Madonna cheating with A-rod and even bringing her children along for the ride.

As a rule, men are just as noble and able to maintain appropriate boundaries as women. As a rule, men have a genuine concern for ALL of their children and will act with character while trying to maintain a relationship with them. As a rule, women that are afforded custody do not require sex for a man to be able to see his child.

My point is - you cannot insist on NC.
You don't control H.

Your choice is as follows:

1. accept OC
2. divorce

BOTHCHOICESSUCKBIGTIME

but, it is what it is

if your husband says or has said "I will be in this child's life." - BELIEVE HIM !

He's telling you the truth.
He WILL be in OC's life no matter what your wishes are.

it is what it is

THE FIRST STEP IS TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH

the truth is that your needs/desires/wishes/pains/hurts/bleeding ulcers/cancer/mental breakdown DO NOT MATTER - your H will STILL SEE OC - even if it means behind your back dishonestly

Pep

agreed

If you decide on your own without pressure from anyone else's agenda that YOU cannot tolerate OC in your life .... then your husband's choice is as follows:

1. NC with OC until OC is 18
2. divorce

once again

BOTHCHOICESSUCKBIGTIME

it is NOT morally wrong for you to decide what your own limits are

it is irresponsible for you to make a decision without proof first
(for example; it is irresponsible of your husband to assume he is the bio dad without proof)

Pep

agree again. only base this on your own agenda...not mine...or anyone elses. decide what is right for you...and your husband can do the same.

IF you decide to tolerate OC (once you have DNA proof) and you decide to try and make your marriage work for both of you, I strongly urge you to contact Harley's for guidance


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