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My wife will go to happy hour with coworkers occassionally, and I do the same. We'd both be home by about 8 at the latest. IMHO, this is a recipe for disaster. Co-workers are a huge source for infidelity. Yes it can, but I don't know that the ristriction is fair to someone who has never cheated before. If I went with a bunch of female coworkers, that would be a bad thing, or if I drank heavily, but I wouldn't do either. As for going out with married friends....what difference does that make? People that are or were married make up about 99% of this board. You see where that got them. I said same sex and married. The point is that if a married person went out with a bunch of singles who are on the prowl, then he/she would be tempted to do the same. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and judgement. Mix that with people you are familiar with...and boom...bj in the parking lot. It happens all the time. If the wife was getting drunk or even a buzz, then I would be concerned. If I was never allowed to go with her, when it's mixed company, then I would be concerned. I understand where you're coming from as you don't want any chance whatsoever of infidelity, but I think some level of indepence shouldn't be a huge cause for concern.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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My wife will go to happy hour with coworkers occassionally, and I do the same. We'd both be home by about 8 at the latest. IMHO, this is a recipe for disaster. Co-workers are a huge source for infidelity. Yes it can, but I don't know that the ristriction is fair to someone who has never cheated before. If I went with a bunch of female coworkers, that would be a bad thing, or if I drank heavily, but I wouldn't do either. As for going out with married friends....what difference does that make? People that are or were married make up about 99% of this board. You see where that got them. I said same sex and married. The point is that if a married person went out with a bunch of singles who are on the prowl, then he/she would be tempted to do the same. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and judgement. Mix that with people you are familiar with...and boom...bj in the parking lot. It happens all the time. If the wife was getting drunk or even a buzz, then I would be concerned. If I was never allowed to go with her, when it's mixed company, then I would be concerned. I understand where you're coming from as you don't want any chance whatsoever of infidelity, but I think some level of indepence shouldn't be a huge cause for concern. This is where the POJA should come in, IMO. There is a big difference between a planned event...talking it out POJA style...then going to the event, then just up and saying "I think I'll go out with my friends tonight"...then going....without POJA first.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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I would EXPECT that she would ask me to go...if I couldn't for some reason...then yes, she couldn't go.
Honestly, she wouldn't ask the question about going alone as it would be clearly understood that neither of us go to bars without the other. My wife is a teacher, so she gets off work much earlier then me. As well, I work an hour drive away from home, and we have 3 kids. We never would be able to cooridnate going to something like this togehter on a weeknight. If she had had an affair, then I would hold the same requirements that you hold. But she hasn't so I won't.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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I dont mind it once in a while. If he has had a rough day at work and he and another co-worker want to head to a local watering hole (they dont go into dive bars, more like a nicer restaurant that has a bar) and have a drink or 2, it doesnt bother me. If he did it regularly, it would.
For my birthday, my H is going to make me and 2 of my gf's dinner. After I put the baby down for the night, we (the girls and I) will head out to dessert and a nightcap at a nice bar. I dont think there is anything wrong with that, and neither does he.
Its all about what boundaries are in place. If we had some sort of agreement that bars were off limits, well then, we wouldnt go without the other.
BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
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I would EXPECT that she would ask me to go...if I couldn't for some reason...then yes, she couldn't go.
Honestly, she wouldn't ask the question about going alone as it would be clearly understood that neither of us go to bars without the other. My wife is a teacher, so she gets off work much earlier then me. As well, I work an hour drive away from home, and we have 3 kids. We never would be able to cooridnate going to something like this togehter on a weeknight. If she had had an affair, then I would hold the same requirements that you hold. But she hasn't so I won't.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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teachers are NOTORIOUS for affairs with other teachers. cops, nurses and doctors too.
Last edited by medc; 08/26/08 01:46 PM.
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This is where the POJA should come in, IMO.
There is a big difference between a planned event...talking it out POJA style...then going to the event, then just up and saying "I think I'll go out with my friends tonight"...then going....without POJA first. Completely agree. I never would go anywhere without communicating to the wife first, and vice versa. To be clear, my wife and I are separated right now, so what I am say is based on the past and what I expect to continue in the future.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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DKD
I'm just looking at it through my perspective. If I've NEVER given my wife ANY reason for her to be uncomfortable and I worked for someone else (I own my own company, so I DO NOT GO OUT WITH EMPLOYEES)I would be real bummed out if she wanted to control where I went. I realize that when I got married, I gave up my independent thinking, but I ALSO didn't sign up to be not trusted, because thats what it is, her NOT trusting me, even though I have never given her reason to. Now, if that WASN'T the case, I had been unfaithful, then the parameters of me being trusted would be solely up to my wife. I screwed up, and have to make it right on my wife's terms, or just go. This much is understood.
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This is where the POJA should come in, IMO.
There is a big difference between a planned event...talking it out POJA style...then going to the event, then just up and saying "I think I'll go out with my friends tonight"...then going....without POJA first. Completely agree. I never would go anywhere without communicating to the wife first, and vice versa. To be clear, my wife and I are separated right now, so what I am say is based on the past and what I expect to continue in the future. Okay, but do you realize that your walking on thin ice by trusting your "future" GF or W too much?
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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So if youre wife called and said that she was going out with co workers for, I don't know, someone was leaving their job, and she DOESN'T MAKE A HABIT OF THIS, and she has NEVER given you ANY reason to think she had been unfaithful, you would tell her, no she couldn't? I dont see why she couldnt. I agree with the DKD about having a level of independence. Not EVERYONE cheats.
Last edited by Gdar; 08/26/08 01:49 PM.
BS: 37
FWH: 37
EA: 2 months, ending June 08
Married 7 years
4 kids (2 together)
Hoping for a Recovery
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teachers are NOTORIOUS for affairs with other teachers. cops, nurses and doctors too. And construction workers and lawyers and judges and CEOs and people. Where I teach, we have huge orgies ALL the time. But it's only the married people that do so that way we teachers can keep up the notion that teachers are NOTORIOUS for having affairs with other teachers.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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teachers are NOTORIOUS for affairs with other teachers. cops, nurses and doctors too. So that should outweigh whatever trust and character you have with your spouse. I agree that spouses shouldn't do anything one on one with someone of the opposite sex, but I think this is taking things too far in many cases. Just because my wife is having happy hour with a group of other foreign language teachers, which is likely all female, I don't think I should limit her when she has done nothing wrong in the past.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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So if youre wife called and said that she was going out with co workers for, I don't know, someone was leaving their job, and she DOESN'T MAKE A HABIT OF THIS, and she has NEVER given you ANY reason to think she had been unfaithful, you would tell her, no she couldn't? I dont see why she couldnt. I agree with the previous poster about having a level of independence. Not EVERYONE cheats.Ahhhh, but EVERYONE is capable...that's what too much independent behavior creates...cheaters. It's a narrow path.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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I might be wrong here. But it seems those that have been cheated on carry this into future relationships where they demand that their spouse does or does not do certain things based on what the previous spouse did.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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It's based on what they have learned.
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Ahhhh, but EVERYONE is capable...that's what too much independent behavior creates...cheaters.
It's a narrow path. Cheaters create cheaters. Just because a spouse goes out with friends on occasion does not a cheater make. A person is going to cheat if they're going to cheat, not because they are given a bit of space and not glued at the hip to the other spouse.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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For me that is not the case. I felt that way before my H had his A. I do not feel that married people need to be in bars without their spouses PERIOD for any reason.
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I might be wrong here. But it seems those that have been cheated on carry this into future relationships where they demand that their spouse does or does not do certain things based on what the previous spouse did. I'm more than capable of making NEW mistakes, but I tend to learn from past ones and not make the same mistakes twice. It's called attaining WISDOM!!!
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being given space or being GLUED to a hip is an exaggeration...someone can have space without hanging out in a bar. :RollieEyes:
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Okay, but do you realize that your walking on thin ice by trusting your "future" GF or W too much? I realize that I was already walking on thin ice when I wasn't meeting my wife's ENs, telling her how to meet my own ENs, and giving her every reason to get her needs meet with me. There are some situations that even the best of people can not handle well, and those temptations should be avoided. Like I said before, I do not think men and women should be alone together, and I should add that they shouldn't be more then casual friends.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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