Inspired by another thread - I thought it deserved it's own. How many of you have received or given the friend speech? I've definitely given it a few times in my life.

Since my separation, I've had the opportunity to give a speech I'd had given to me in the past. The good old, "It's not you, it's me" speech! The sad thing is, now that I've given it, I know that when I hear it, it really IS me!!!! (tried it on the vegetarian stalker - went on one disasterous date, he called and called and called, refused to take even the most obvious of hints, started lecturing me on my "hang-up" over my stbx so I "broke up" with him - took over an hour on the phone and he still called steadily for a few weeks!!!)

It's not the friend speech, I'll save that one for later.

Meet thru online dating 4 hour travel distance we met half way and a had a really nice time, he insisted on coming here 2nd time. Didn't get here til noon that day, hung out and did a few fix it chores that he had come to help with, went riding 4 wheelers, came back had a nice dinner, he was going back and it's almost 10 I said no you need to spend the night, there is a room in the basement for visitors. He stayed, got up the next morning and left almost immediately at 6 am.

Heard from him that night. Text weren't returned, no phone calls, kept getting forwarded e mails, so finally replied to one of those that if you can't talk to me, please take me off your contact list. Got back "your off too bossy for me anyways!" I wanted to type back that he just wasn't man enough to handle it, but said thank you for removing from your list.

Go figure!!!

Dawn

Good for you,Daybreak! He thinks highly of himself and I don't know why.:)

what's wrong with the friend speach? i'd rather know up front if somebody wasn't interested

charlie

There is nothing wrong with the friend speech, you are right about knowing up front. But you have to admit that sometimes it is very devasting. You think that everything is going fine, that the other person is into you, you are feeling pretty good and then here comes, the friend speech. "I'm sorry, it's not you but me, I think that you are an awesome friend and I hope that we can remain friends." You were blindsided and didn't realize that the other person wasn't always feeling the way that you do!

Like I said there is nothing wrong, is just kind of a let down!!! I'm sure you have been there a time or two.

Dawn

I have given the friend speech 13 times. I have been given it twice.

I know the right cadence, proper vocabulary words, and etiquettically approved body language to prevent grand fallout.

What's important is to convey to the other person what of friend you view them as. Then do not use insults or compliments, just drop the words and pray that they don't have weapons.

Unfortunately - had to give it recently - but only because he already has a girlfriend. Now, if he had been unattached..... (see my previous post). Bummer!!!!

yea i have had the friend speech and yea it sucks

but the bottom line is that if you didn't get it... and kept on going down the path of investing emotionally on somebody who wasn't there with you...

i'm just saying i'd rather know up front, get the pain over with and move on

can't say i've had friendships evolve from the friendship speech though

So true!!!

God, that was FUNNY. AND TRUE.

I've given it about 5 or 6 times. It really never did get easier, and I dreaded it each time.

"I know the right cadence, proper vocabulary words, and etiquettically approved body language to prevent grand fallout.

What's important is to convey to the other person what of friend you view them as. Then do not use insults or compliments, just drop the words and pray that they don't have weapons." Too funny. LOLOL

Maybe you should teach a course!
You could call it "50 ways to leave your lover 101."

"Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover"

(As recorded by Paul Simon)
PAUL SIMON

"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
"The answer is easy if you take it logic'lly
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be, fifty ways to leave your lover."

She said, "It's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be, fifty ways to leave your lover"
Fifty ways to leave your lover.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.

Oo slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
You just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.

She said, "It grieves me now to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again"
I said, "I appreciate that, and would you please explain about the fifty ways?"
She said, "Why don't we both just sleep on it tonight?
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light"
And then she kissed me, and I realized whe probably was right
There must be, fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Oh you hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to coy, Roy
You just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free.

(c) Copyright 1975 by Paul Simon.

I have always liked that song. Been a long time since I've posted under another name but had to chime in.

I have never the minded the 'just friends' speech. After all, dating is the means to see who I am compatible with and who is compatible with me...it's a mutual thing. Think it is more unusual to find someone who I want to go to the next level with and he feels the same.

Sure there could be hurt feelings and sometimes a broken heart but I always remember that I am a terrific person and that special someone will find me irresitible!


Divorced 3/03 after 20 years
DD 22 DS 18 DD 17
Living well and loving it!

Petuni--How true-- we are good people, just not the right connection!! But it still hurts some!!! But can't stay at the pity party all night!!!!

Dawn

Yes, hurts it does; just can't let the rejection (either way) hang in the air too long. I find if I keep my thoughts positive and in perspective, the sting goes away quick. Chalk it up to learning one more thing about ourselves and what we want and deserve from a relationship.
Yes, the pity party needs to be brief!

It sucks to hear any variation of the just friends speech.

It's as if the person saying that almost appears to be fence sitting. When they are only trying to be diplomatic.

Everyone should know that you were just dumped. Who wants to get dumped? Exactly so the dumpee tries to look for a glimmer of well at least she/he said we can be friends. Maybe eventually if I am low keyed and we hang around as friends. Maybe she'll/he'll change their mind.

Best to make the break clean. Sorry I don't want to date you any more. The dumpee will be able to move on quicker and cleaner.

I don't disagree. But, assuming you're doing this face to face (because its the right way to do it), what do you answer when they ask "why".

Are you brutally honest?

Be brutal? No.

How about:

D'er: I Don't want to date you any more.
D'ee: Why?
D'er: I can't put it into words. I just don't feel right about us.

Open to better ideas. What have all of you got?

A gentleman should never reveal the reasons why. They are irrelevant. Someone breaking up with you isn't a character flaw. They are actually doing you a favor by letting you know before you figure it out on your own that you two wern't meant to be together.

However, if they won't take "no explanation" for an answer it is appropriate to just text them back and say:

"bc u have bo"

Don't have a cell phone...a sticky note will do.

Mr. Wondering

What about us LADIES?

And I would never EVER use a sticky (post it) note. I saw that episode of SATC.

This is basically how I ended up giving the "it's not you it's me" speech, which again, if somebody says this to you, it really IS you.

Dumping someone, for lack of a better term, is difficult under the best circumstances. But it's infinitely worse with an ungracious, clingy or clueless dumpee. Part of the problem with the friend speech is that it does leave the door slightly ajar (maybe after some time s/he'll want to be more than friends). Being brutally honest closes the door completely. But it is very hard to do.