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Joined: Mar 1999
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Lady M Offline OP
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I have not posted here for a long time - just lurk occasionally.
A little about me - I am 53 years old, was married for 17 years, H left for OW, and married her 5 months after our divorce was final. I however, am still single - took a long time to get myself back. (My story is on this board somewhere, in the archives, I'm sure!) I have really enjoyed being single, but after almost 10 years since the divorce, I am wondering if I am avoiding getting involved again, and not facing my issues. I have not really dated, nor had any relationships. I admit I have trust issues!!!

It seems the only men interested and hit on me are married or not available! I absolutely do not want to be involved with a married man! After what I went through, I would never wish to be a part of inflicting that pain on anyone else.

I'm in the military - got recalled to Active Duty 5 years ago, and am really enjoying it. I work at a personnel processing site, and I meet lots of interesting people, which I enjoy. Meet lots of guys, but like I said, most are married or live far away. Most are only here processing for a few days.

Last year, after I had given a presentation to a large group of new arrivals, a guy I vaguely remembered as having been through here before (many people are recalled to Active Duty multiple times), came up to me, and said "Hi, I remember you from when I was last here in 2005, and was hoping you were still here." (It turns out I had processed his paperwork back in 2003, also.) He had to come to my office for final processing, and he proceeds to chat me up some more, and asked for my office number should he need additional information. He called me twice before he left, and told me that I should call him if I'd like, cause he would not be going overseas for 2 months or so. I said thank-you, and put his number in my desk drawer, not really thinking anything of it.

Fast-forward about six months - I had the duty cell phone, and was on call. He calls from the Mid-East, with a question that he needs help with. When he realized that it was me, and that I did, in fact remember him, he asked me for my official e-mail, so that he could ask me some questions about personnel and pay issues. My job entails customer service, and taking inquiries from many people, so I did not mind. Over the next few months, he would regularly e-mail me and ask about various things, since he was in the administrative dept of his unit, and had people asking him questions he was not sure about. His e-mails started to get a bit flirty, so I asked him - don't you have a girlfriend? He replied that yes, he was dating someone. I told him that even though things start out with so-called harmless flirting, that things can get out of hand. He said that he was not looking for anything to get out of hand, and just wanted to be friends, and that he enjoyed our e-mails. I said, OK, but keep it in check, and on the professional side of friendship, which he did for the most part, but every now and then, would say things that I felt were a little too flirty (like - I can't wait to see you again when I get back). Again, I asked him to tone it down, which he did. I admit I enjoyed his e-mails - he is very witty, with a fun sense of humor, and very intelligent.

Six months later, he came back from the Mid-East, and instead of processing through here, he had to go back to a base near his home for medical evaluation. He kept in touch a little less often, and continued to ask for advice concerning his situation.

Fast forward again to 3 weeks ago - (5 months since he returned to the states.) He e-mails me and tells me he will be here (at my facility) to outprocess the next week. He comes to my office an hour and a half before his appointed time - said he had some questions and concerns, and wanted to talk to me about them. So we did, and I processed his paperwork. He was very nice and somewhat reserved, not as flirty as he had been in some of his e-mails. Seemed a little nervous, even! I teased him about coming to my office so early - said he must be in a really big hurry to get back home. He loosened up and little and starting joking back with me. After we were done, I said good-bye, and shook his hand. Five minutes after he left, he calls me and says he would like to meet somewhere for a drink, since he is not leaving until the next morning, and would like to thank me for all the assistance and help I gave him over the last 17 months. I said OK, that I would meet him there. We had a nice conversation, mostly about military stuff, and just a little bit about personal stuff (basic things). After about an hour, he said he should be leaving, since he had to get up really early to leave the next morning. We walked back to our vehicles, still chatting a bit. Then he tells me that there is a possiblity he may get orders for a new assignment in my area, and that he really admires me, that I have really impressed him, and that he would like to spend time with me as friends, and more, if he ends up being assigned here. At this point, I am kind of freaked out, since I know he has a girlfriend. I told him that we could be friends, but beyond that, wasn't probably a good idea. We said goodbye, and left the restaurant separately.
Mind you - I like him, and he is attractive, but why do I keep attracting guys are are not free?

Anyway - I e-mailed him and asked him - "In light of what you said to me - don't you already have another committment? I would be very disappointed to think that you are someone who would pursue a another relationship while still committed to someone else." I also told him that I was concerned that his feelings for me had possibly become a distraction, that he needed to concentrate on his relationship, and if he is unhappy, he should talk to her about it, and fix it, or end it honestly if he is not happy, but to not go looking elsewhere, that I could not go there. I told him I wished to break personal contact, and that he should not contact me unless it is of a professional nature, and that I hoped he understood why. He answered back, saying that he appreciated my candor, and would respect my wishes.

I am feeling really badly about letting this get out of hand. Having been through having a cheating spouse, I know first-hand the pain that ensues when a partner is unfaithful. I had hoped we could be friends, but I am beginning to wonder - can men and women be just friends? I was OK with our friendship until he told me he wanted something more serious - it made me think he might possibly be a player. I hope to have a relationship again some day, but after this, I have to wonder - is anyone trustworthy anymore? Why are there so many out there looking for someone "better" rather than working on their relationships? And, if not happy, why continue the relationship, not doing anything to improve it, but keeping one eye open for another partner before leaving the current relationship? All of this is really sad to me. I'm beginning to think that no one leaves a relationship without first finding someone else. If that's the case - I will probably never get involved with a man again!!!

Lady M


Lady M
54 - BW - Was Married for 17 years
Divorced since 1999
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Lady M,
I think you did exactly the right thing.
You recognized that it was not appropriate and ended the outside of work friendship. Bravo to that.

I think there are a LOT of men and women out there as you have described. I sometimes feel that they are the majority as compared to those who do not act in such a way. They are not secure enough in themselves to be happy with the love and attention they get from their relationship: it is an ego boost to have members of the opposite sex still notice them and be flirting with them. It's like they need to know they still "got it" and "all the members of the opposite sex want me". It is ridiculous.

I have chosen not to date for the past year because of this. It is hard to trust again and I still do not trust myself to choose wisely at this point. I have gotten close to dating someone a few times, but as soon as it gets to that point I push them away.

I'd like to be in a long term relationship again, just like you would, but it is not a priority right now. I am really busy with college and work and kids, I am not sure where I would fit it in anyway. And I want to keep working on me for awhile. So, maybe you could work on figuring out why you seem to attract these kinds of men.

Devastated once gave me the name of a book to look into and I do not remember the name of it right now. Maybe if she comes along she will remind us what it is because I seem to end up in the same boat as you at times. I attract either married (had one at work blatantly make sexual suggestions to me, very flirtacious), dating men, or those who want to play. She kindly suggested this book to me and now I don't remember what it was!

Hang in there, there are good men and women out there, it is just matter of weeding them out.


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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I don't think I'd qualify this as a problem with your "picker". You seem to have acted accordingly along the way. I know it can be disturbing to be attracted to someone who is unavailable, but you didn't chase this guy, he just kept popping up. Who knows what's going on with his relationship with his GF and you're right to tell him to step back until he does the right thing by her, either way he chooses.

I see this as more a wait and see situation. And I agree it's not a nice thought that people go fishing for someone new before leaving another relationship; Doesn't say very good things about their character. Are you certain this is what's going on with this man?


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I am not really sure - he seems like a nice guy - perhaps his relationship is troubled - I don't know and did not ask! However, this is a red flag for me, and I told him so. My (now Ex) husband told me when he left me that he had been unhappy for 10-12 years and had wanted to leave me since then. I, of course felt that 10-12 years of my life had been stolen from me. However, he did not leave me until he found someone he thought more suitable, and solidified the relationship before his left me. Cowardly behavior, in my book! The pain and yes, anger of what he did was devastating. It took me a long time to get past it. So, of course, I am sensitive to this type of situation, and definitely do not want to be on the other side either - as someone who enables another to hurt their partner. I told him that whatever he decided, that I needed to be left out of the equation. He said that he had some soul-searching to do, and left it at that. So, life goes on, and if he feels he wants to, I suppose he will inform me of his decision, whenever that may occur. I also told him that even if he decided to end his relationship, that I could make no promises to him of any kind.

I'll let you know what happens...

Lady M


Lady M
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I'll let you know what happens...

Roger that....you have handled this well. Keep on keeping on.

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Well, I think you are being very smart as well. And you are seeing it from both sides of the coin.


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Originally Posted by mlhbisme
Devastated once gave me the name of a book to look into and I do not remember the name of it right now. Maybe if she comes along she will remind us what it is because I seem to end up in the same boat as you at times.

In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant

YOU CAN PURCHASE THE BOOK HERE MLHB!

Now you have no excuse......

I find it interesting you felt compelled to post to gekko. I think you would benefit greatly from this book...you are still residing in the basement of your "house" MLHB. Time to do serious work and start making your way up to your "attic". Get the book. Trust me on this one.

Well done Lady M hurray


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Thanks DW...I picked one up for $4. I love Amazon!! grin


Me, 43
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Originally Posted by AllurinGreenEyes
Thanks DW...I picked one up for $4. I love Amazon!! grin
You betgrin Gotta love a good bargain!


DW--BW....separated/divorced since 2003
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The name of that book sounded familiar - looked on my bookshelf - sure enough, I already have it, and started reading it again.

Short update: He e-mailed me a few days ago (at work) to ask me a question, and tells me that he is thinking about going back on Active Duty another branch of the service - the Army, and with the Special Forces. I'm not sure why - I'm beginning to think he is having some sort of mid-life crisis or something (he is 42). I asked him was he sure that's what he wanted, as it is almost assured that he would end up in Iraq or Afghanistan. No answer yet, nor any answer about the other issue. This guy is an enigma, for sure! Having seen a male mid-life crisis up-close, and knowing how some men can make crazy decisions at this time of their lives, I am thinking that I may have "dodged the bullet"!!!


Lady M
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Hi Lady M,

What caught my eye about your latest post was the mention of Special Forces. My ex was SF and it does take a rare breed to do the job. My experience when he was part of a team was not altogether positive. Some of that was ex's personality and personal nature but some was the job. A wedge definitively developed between us and overall the divorce rate among SF soldiers was really high as was the remarriage and divorce again rate. When you say you dodged a bullet you may be right.



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Lady M Offline OP
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Wow - very interesting. I hope he decides not to do it, for his own sake. Like I said, I like him, and wish the circumstances were different, but they are not, and I have told him we must remain professional friends only.

I think he might be going through the mid-life transition phase, and his feelings/attraction for me and his desire to change his life by going in another direction are indictors of this. I also think that there is a good chance that he has not confided in his GF concerning his restlessness and desire for change, and definitely not about me!

Coincidentally - my Ex-H is from CT, and we lived there for a few years - we lived in Hartford, but used to go to the shore a lot - especially Hammonasett and Rocky Neck. Also, my friend who is the subject of this post is from CT also!


Lady M
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Originally Posted by Lady M
I had hoped we could be friends, but I am beginning to wonder - can men and women be just friends?

I truly think that some men and some women can just be friends.
I have many male friends from work that will forever just be friends. However, there are other male friends where you have that little tinge of something. The ones, like the guy you speak of, where you know there might could possibly be something. Those are the ones you have to keep at arms length. The key is to know the difference.

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I truly think that some men and some women can just be friends.
I have many male friends from work that will forever just be friends.
What do you think it is about your opposite-sex friendships that enables them to be just friendships, without a tinge?

- WG


BH 40, Married: 2002, Discovered affairs: Fall 2005, Divorced: Spring 2008

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What do you think it is about your opposite-sex friendships that enables them to be just friendships, without a tinge?

Boundaries...

Plain old BOUNDARIES.


Simply won't go where you shouldn't and allow no one else to lead you there.

Mark

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From everything I have read, I say no. Given the right opportunity and circumstance, things will happen. Boundaries can keep it from becoming more. Maybe they can be, but do you really want to risk a M to find out the answer the hard way?


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
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am one of those who can't get past it.
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Okay, 'boundaries' is a reasonable response particularly for two married persons.

What about the case when there isn't a compelling reason why a romance couldn't happen, as might be the case with two single people?

Are romantic feelings inevitable? If not, what enables a friendship to remain a genuine friendship?

- WG

Last edited by woundedgentleman; 10/08/08 11:53 AM. Reason: for clarity

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I live on the coast, near the R.I. boarder so about an hour from Hartford.

I don't like to make generalizations about groups of people so my experience of the SForces life may have been different than another persons. Just like with and profession there are admirable traits one must have in order to excel at the job.

You know, LadyM, maybe this guy will weather this mid life transition in fine shape and get back in touch. This stage can be so trying for men and there are bound to be a few choices made that aren't what they should be. As long as they aren't too extreme I don't think I'd shut the door completely on this guy.


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Hi Again, Nams,

Another update - I got an e-mail from him saying that he is accepting orders to my area, and not going to the Army after all. I do not know what is going through his mind - nor I am going to ask - it would be inappropriate. This is his issue to deal with. I have three weeks before he comes here to this area, and I know he will show up in my office sooner or later, but I intend to continue keeping our relationship on a professional level only. At this point, I don't know if we can be friends outside of a professional context, after his "premature enunciation" (LOL)! Apparently, his interest extends back a few years, which I was unaware of...


Lady M
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My book came in the mail today. I can't wait to start reading it!
smile
Ronda


Me, 43
DS18, DD12
Divorce final May 10, 2007
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