I take it you are not a US citizen.

Or an American woman 30 years ago.

SB,

I'm glad to see you. I remember the wonderful post you wrote to me a few months ago. I took it to heart.

I hope it won't offend you if I respectfully disagree with some of the statements you've made here.


An abuser DOES most certainly want to abuse.

An abuser's goal is power and control and abuse, whether emotional or physical, is merely a tool for accomplishing the control they seek and compliance through fear and intimidation.

And an abuser didn't get that way in the course of the relationship.

If an abuser doesn't initially appear to be an abuser, this is only because those tactics wouldn't serve well to gain a victim successfully.

Gaining control over another person takes time. And it is the manipulative process of alternative kind, loving behaviors with cruelty that can create in the victim the kind of self-doubt that it takes to overpower them in order that the abuser can begin to saturate the victim's mind with the abuser's perceptions and accomplish the kind of power they seek.

Abusers do this by choice.

They do not "lose control" (quite the contrary).

And they do it because it gets them what they want.

They use methods that are quite calculating and follow predictable patterns, though they have their own personalities and can change in order to suit what means is necessary in order to gain control - what might gain compliance from one victim might not work effectively for another.

That is the abuse I am referring to - not just one spouse doing something hurtful to another. And it's very difficult to see the logical patterns that the abuse follows when one is the victim.

From my personal experience, episodes of abuse (be they emotional, psychological or physical) are seemingly disconnected episodes or events.

But upon closer examination and with a little distance, in the large picture there IS an agenda.

Of course it is difficult to see the forest through the trees ***edit*** But if one has a map (metaphorically speaking), maybe it might provide some insight into the pattern of your abuser(s)?

Here is one map that was particularly helpful for me...

Biderman's Chart of Coercion

I used this as an outline and listed each and every incident of abuse. Each incident fit into one of the categories. From there, patterns (and the hidden agendas) became much clearer to see.

Thank you again, SB, for the very helpful post you wrote to me. You were spot on.

WOW Froz - I have a friend who could really benefit from this insight. He's been abused by his wife for years, I bet all her behaviour would fit neatly into that chart too. Can you believe after he finally threw her out she even broke into his house.

Thanks for this insight into an abuser.

All you women that doubt that women are abusive must not remember high school. I have a daughter and talking to my xwife I was shocked at what females do to each other. Not just physical but the mental abuse. I think women have it far worse in high school. The young girls are cruel. My Xwife told me she had the same problems in school. Females abuse males they just do it differently. My Xwife was just plain cruel and she does feel bad about it now that we are no longer together.

Women do most of the child care but having said that they are by far the biggest abusers of children. It isn't even close. I also was the victim of my moms abuse so I have been there. And yet I never abused my wife. I despise abuse yet I see people putting up with it all of the time. Abuse against women is horrible. Abuse against men should be horrible also.

Now one last thing. I have seen abuse up close and my dad did not report it even one time. When I was a kid I watched my mom attack my dad several times. He would hold her arms to protect himself and she even called the police a couple of times to try to get them to haul him away. He would have to call in to take time off at times because she would scratch his face. She would hit him with pans.

I came to his defense and had to tell the police that my dad was the victim. My dad was not abusive and was very kind to his kids. My mom eventually deserted us and ran off with another man. My mom to this day still thinks she was a victim.

I have not seen her in about 30 years yet she will call me once in a while to tell me what a rotten piece of sh!_ my dad was. My dad died several years ago and she will call and say the worst things you could imagine. My dad until the day he died never said a bad word about that woman. Not one ill word no matter how cruel she was.

When my dad passed away I found some letters between them. She admitted in her letters that she was sorry she took all of the money out of the bank so she could run away and be with another man. I found my dad crying because he had no money and kids to feed. This was a lot of years ago and guys could not really get help.

I have never met another human being who was as abusive as my mom. I point this out because she believes she was the abused one.

Frozen:

This post is absolutely spot on.

It is exactly what I experienced for years in my M. Although as a man, I find it very difficult to think of myself as being "abused" by STBX. Many people close to us while we were together have come out of the woodwork and used the "abuse" term, but I still have difficulty thinking that way.

At one point two years ago, STBX punched me approximately 20 times in the face while I stood there without raising a hand. I had headaches for two days, and my face was swollen for the better part of a week...but I did not call the police because I was still blindly thinking we could fix our M and I didn't want to upset the apple cart any more than it already was.

Given what I know now, I would strongly advise any man to immediately call the police and file a report for any physical abuse at the hands of your W.

Thanks,

LoBoy

ETA - I have also been accused of being abusive in her court filings for the custody battle that she created. After 10 months of a custody evaluation (done by STBX's recommended Dr), the Dr. ruled in my favor.

I agree that you should call the police if you have been physically abused. My EW used to hit me and throw things at me but I never called the police. However, she would call the police repeatedly on me.

Their was one time where my EW was very drunk and slapped me in the face. I got the keys to the car to leave but she would not allow me to close the car door. While I was in the car, I pulled the car door very hard to close and her fingers were in door jam. I left the scene and she called the police. I then was charged with domestic violence. I had to get an attorney. My EW wrote letters to the prosecutuing attorney that it was her fault. When I went to court, the prosecuting attorney told my lawyer that the DA would lower offense to disturbing the peace. The DA always wants some type of conviction so they look good. My lawyer recommended that I do this, which I did because I was scarred that if I lost I would have that on my recored forever and I would not be able to own a gun. The thing that is terrible is that the EW is the one that should have been charged with domestic violence.

My EW would always bring this up when we had fights.

Anyways, the bottom line, call the police if you are harmed. If not, it will come back to haunt you like it did me!!!

Nope. And Canada is supposed to be better as far as womens rights go. Sure there were laws then but nobody liked to deal with it. The same problem still exists today, though they have an immediate response system whereby if you call saying he did anything physical, they come immediately and haul his butt off to jail for the night. This offers tremendous protection for those who are truly being abused. However, it is so grossly abused it makes me sick. I've heard stories where the WW (naturally as it seems only waywards can drop this low) have "claimed" abuse just to humiliate their BH's. Then they file a restraining order so when the BH attempts to come home the next day - or even call home, they get thrown back in. They can't even call their kids, or even have someone else call on their behalf. A good friend's cousin was in this sitch - he went to jail 3 times and never actually touched his WW. His parole officer ended up helping him and he wound up with full custody of his kids, but that's the exception, not the rule.

The only thing worse than abuse are people who abuse systems to protect the abused.