The Work Shop

One morning before the carpenter arrived, the tools decided to have a meeting. Mr Gouge spoke first…

“Mr Hammer, might I have a word with you?…I have to tell you I worked late last night and I’m really not in the mood for you to be banging around all morning, so if you could keep it down to a minimum, I would greatly appreciate it.”

“There you go picking on folks again,” said the Saw. “All you do is find something you don’t like or don’t want and start picking at it. You pick at it and pick at it…”

“Oh,” said the hammer. “Like you aren’t always cutting folks down… I mean that’s really all you do around here. You cut stuff down and try to make it feel smaller.’

“Yeah,” Said the sandpaper. “You and your buddy over there, Mr Plane are quite a pair. You cut things down and he scrapes away until there's almost nothing left.”

“You know,” said the screw driver, “You’re so abrasive in your manner that you just frankly rub some of us the wrong way…”

The hammer jumped in. “What about YOU?” He slammed his fist on the table for emphasis. “You seem to just go ‘round and ‘round doing all the same thing over and over again. And you take so long to get done with your job that the rest of us have to sit around and wait for you. Why can’t you just be more like ME and just take care of it and get it over with…”

As tempers flared no one was listening any more as they all shouted at each other in unison.

And then in walked the carpenter.


As the day went along he used each of the tools on his bench in turn and at the end of the day he had built a beautiful hand carved inlaid curio cabinet for someone to show off all the beautiful and wonderful things they had acquired.











Food for thought…

A hammer does its job quickly, as long as it hits the nail. A screw driver takes longer because a screw has to be driven in more slowly. While a hammer might make the job go faster, it often breaks a screw rather than driving it in. The nail is faster but a screw often holds longer and sustains more of a load.

A saw cannot drive a nail or a screw very well, but is useful for cutting away what is not desired. Sandpaper can help create a fine finish on a work piece but if used improperly makes a mess of the whole project by working across the grain instead of with it. It is after all, designed to be abrasive, but cannot do the job of the other tools.

A gouge is able to do a specific job by picking away at small things until a carving is revealed, but it cannot drive a screw or a nail and is of little use in cutting lumber.

All of the tools are required to do a job, not just one of them and when used out of turn or when used for a purpose that it wasn’t designed to do can actually ruin the entire job. The result is a waste of materials and time since nothing is really accomplished. What began as a great project ends up being thrown away.

Great post and seems very appropriate for the type of posters we have around here.

Thanks.

LC

Interesting analogy, Mark.

Our MC hammered WH (eta "with a sledge hammer)after his last major lie 10 months ago. After 4 D-Days and continued lying, WH needed to be sledge hammered.

I realized I was having EAs (which I called "almost" EA's because I told my H about them ~ but we were so detached he didn't care) and this process mostly evolved on its own.

Regarding my own EA's, I didn't need a sledge, only a tiny (self-imposed) brad hammer as I sought information to help me and read articles and posts revealing the truth about MY own EA's that I was amazed to realize. I began to change immediately and had to re-write chapter six of our recovery story.

Chances are, if WH ever tried to show someone the errors of their ways, he might try to sledge hammer them whether they needed it or not. That's the only way he was reached so he might think that others need the same treatment.

For me, it seems to be the opposite. Many may think that I'm too nice, but that approach may be useful for some.

For others, sledge hammering them might just drive them away before they are able to grasp enough tools to begin to realize how to change.

For a few posters, sledge hammering might be what they realize they need and receiving advice through that style could be very effective for them eventually.

My struggle has been with masking passive aggressive behaviors with niceness, creating a manipulative result. I didn't realize it until I asked a couple veteran MB posters to hammer me (via email) last year when I needed to learn quickly before I had to leave WH for several weeks to fulfill a family obligation. This occurred just as we were beginning to recover but it helped us survive a 4 week 400 mile separation only 4 months after D-Day #4. (Recovery story details linked to my sig line.)

I think the key for me was that "I asked for a sledge hammering style because I knew that it would help me." Others who are sledge hammered after their first post may not have had the chance to realize that they needed it and that hammering might have driven them away prematurely.

Additionally, it would seem that if any sort of hammering is called for, it might be more effective if it is cushioned with respect. Not only will the message be more palatable, but a respectful attitude might keep one's tendency to be defensive to a minimum. Thus, the message might be received in a way that will be more effective in the long run.

Mark, your post illustrates an excellent point regarding why these forums need diverse styles to positively affect the myriad of posters who unfortunately need all of the MB tools in one way or another.

It seems that if we are all respectful, regardless of our differences in 'style', we can create the win-win scenario where both the advice givers (and advice receivers) will grasp all the tools we need to learn to be better spouses and we can all have better marriages as a result.

Again, thanks for the intriguing thread, Mark.

Ace

Acey,


This was key in my recovery. My board buddies from my other board had to hammer me over and over to get through the thick fog, but they always did it respectfully. I'm not saying they didn't yell at me, but via message board you can yell at someone respectfully vs not. I didn't always like what they had to say and I'm sure they were frustrated as all get out with me often, but in the end it all worked out. I will say anyone who was disrespectful I ignored their advice.

We are all really great friends and they now tease the heck out of me over what I use to do and say. If they had treated me disrespectfully I would have bolted in a second from that board and I would probably still be in the fog.

LC

Hi Mark,

Good analogy. The story drives the point home that there is a right time and place to do the right thing. Just because something is a right doesn't mean it is always the right thing to do.

Just as tools make the project productive when properly used, in life the same applies. Using a hammer when one needs to be using a buffer isn't practical.

Take care,
Orchid

There are different tools that all look like a hammer...

A dead-blow hammer has a soft face and is filled with shot. When it strikes its target it does not bounce off but simply lands with a thud. There is no "ringing" as the hammer hits the mark.

There are tiny little tack hammers that are designed to drive in really small nails, usually used by those who make furniture to apply the upholstery.

There are framing hammers with really long handles(relative to their weight) that accelerate quickly and deliver a resounding blow to drive large diameter nails.

There are welding hammers that are made to chip away at the slag of a weld to ensure good penetration into the materials being joined.

There are sledge hammers that have a lot of weight, some with long handles to generate a lot of velocity to increase the energy of the blow.

There are wooden mallets often used by wood workers to drive their chisels without ruining the handles. Some of these don't even look much like a hammer but are just a block of wood on a handle.

There are rubber mallets designed to apply a lot of energy without damaging the surface that is being struck.

All are hammers.

All have their own place in the tool box.

None of them can cut wood, polish the finish on a cabinet or make a hole in two pieces to be joined by a bolt. They can't hold pieces together till the glue sets or tighten a nut.

That is WHY there needs to be something other than a repertoire of hammers in the tool box.

You can't build a house without a hammer...

But you can't build a house with just a hammer.

Thanks for sharing this, LC. I'm sure I've offended people by being trying to be respectful (and seeming more like a rubber-coated mallet than the sledge they may have needed), but I would rather be that than possibly be responsible for saying something harsh that may be perceived as insulting, and possibly doing more harm than good.

I'm glad we all have our place.

Ace

I once went to a lecture on the use of medical grade lasers.
The speaker explained how lasers were being touted as the cool new tool, and every competitive practitioner was trying to sell themselves to the public by advertising "all laser" ... then, the speaker said something profound:

WHEN ALL YOU HAVE IS A HAMMER , EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A NAIL

I never forgot that - and it was at least 10 years ago ...

Same applies to when you have a new hammer.

I resisted using that line BTW.

What's the first thing you do with a new ball point pen?

What's the first thing you do when you get a new car?

What's the first thing you do when you get married?

You try it out.

Some people have had a hammer for years but just found out how it works. So now they use it for everything. :MrEEk:

Some people end up hurting themselves in the process... :crosseyedcrazy:

Or ruining a perfectly good piece of lumber. :twobyfour:

Mark

I, too resisted inserting the phrase "can't touch this" when I stated that "Our MC hammered WH with a sledge".




There....got that out of my system.

I do have a serious question about this topic but I've forgotten it.

Dang, I hate it when that happens. Back later.

Acey

The first sign of old age is forgetting things...

Hey Acey, what's the second one again?

Yeah, yeah, yeah......I hear ya, Mark. (Can't remember what ya said but I hear ya!)

I do remember part of my question, however, so here it is....sorta.

I've been in leadership conferences where you decide whether you're a Type A, B, C, or D personality....or a driver, follower, worker or something else (see I said "I sorta remember my question")

The type A or Driver is usually the sledge-hammering type, right? If you know that you have a type A driving personality, what is the best way to be the most effective on an infidelity forum?

For instance, I know that I used to have a type A personality, but it nearly cost me my M so I'm working to change it. In the meantime, I avoid threads where someone just wants to argue and resist any good advice posters are offering.

In my past life, I would argue and force my perspective and try to ramrod my view until they saw things my way.

Now I mainly post on the recovery forum but I used to bump threads on GQII, asking how posters who hadn't posted for awhile were doing, but only offering 'help' to threads with topics I had direct experience with that no-one else (or very few) seemed to reply to. (My approach would be most like using a rubber mallet to gently prod.)

It seems that all types of 'hammerers' are needed on these forums, especially the 'infidelity' ones. All of us use different styles depending on the sitch but we all have a typical 'hammer' that we gravitate towards...right?

So Mark (or anyone else), what type of hammer are you usually, and how does that help you be the most effective? (This question could relate to your/my M, family, job, church, etc. in addition to this thread.)

Ace,

You might be taking my hammer analogy too far and forgetting the rest of the tool box.

All of the tools are required, not just different types of hammers.

Hammers all have pretty much the same basic function, to apply a sudden impacting blow to something. The size, precision and overall energy of the blow depends on the type of hammer, but in the end, they are all designed to pound on something until a specific goal is achieved.

But if you are trying to tighten a bolt and nut, any kind of hammer is useless.

That is why the other tools are important. You can't do everything just by beating on stuff.

As for personality types and hammers, I can't say that all Type As are even hammers or that only type As are hammers. I think a worker is as inclined to be a hammer as any other type and followers can bang away with the best of them at times.

Remember, I'm not just talking about hammers. I'm talking about all the tools and how every one of them is needed when their specific ability is called for.

Mark

Sorry, Mark.

Once a type A, always a sorta type A, I guess. (Don't type A's often take things too far and forget about the rest? On one hand, that might be a whole 'nother discussion...but on the other hand, you might just have made another one of my points!)

The 'hammer' rose to the top, and although I don't usually think of my style as being hammeresque, it did make it easier to relate to your analogy.


Ace

See that. I applied pressure and didn't beat on you once...

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

I was just perusing the forums and saw a section that has many locked threads. It seems to me it might be beneficial for some to read this thread and decide what type of tool (aka poster) they are and learn how to work better with the other tools.

I'm still not sure what type of tool I am, but I don't think I'm a hammer.

LC

Can I be the reamer?

Oops, someone else proabably already got dibs on that 2l.

How about one of those wire brushes used 2 clean barbeque grills?

-ol' 2long

I am probably the drill chuck that is always missing.

Just a point, Chris...

I think you mean the drill chuck key.

The chuck is what holds the bit and if it is missing, you aren't going to do much drilling.

The key is what tightens the chuck and always seems to be whereever the drill is not.

Which is why they inveted keyless drill chucks.