To those of you that have reached this point, you know what I mean. To those of you that haven't, you will. Used to be, in the not to distant past, I used to get a sick feeling every time I saw a "whole family" having fun. Kept thinking about what I had lost.<P>Well, I cherished the vows and because this happened for she didn't, I decided I would not be bitter and give up in what I believe. Not as easy as it sounds. Listen when folks say work on you. Don't listen when someone says you deserve better than "her". YOU need to decide that. I think it just defers what needs to be accomplished... healing. I found faith and I re-found me, and it is good. I cannot speak for my W. I feel safe and confident because it's not about what has been done to me, I cannot control that. <P>It is about who you are and who you want to be. This rule includes my W. I finally got to the point where I understand that as long as we do not hold these values in common there really is nothing there. That's not to say that I now treat her with malice, I've never done that with any other friends, through the years, that have suffered with themselves... why her? Also, if that was to truley change, I would accept her back. <P>That's what I am getting at, I see her depressed and unhappy. However, I am not. Iam not anymore because I have begun to focus on what truley gives me self respect... compassion and honor. It's hard not to focus on them, they seem to have all of the power. Truth is true power is not that which is influenced on others, but that which you exercise upon/within yourself. When you get there, only then can you realize true forgivenss and begin rebuilding of any kind (your life and/or marriage).<P>I now know that if approached, yes I would have terms to reconcilliation. In the same breath, if it is time to move on to another, for the first time, I know what I want. I won't settle either way. If I should stay alone, so be it, I will ALWAYS share ME, at any risk. To do otherwise would be wasteful and foolish. Life is meant to LIVE! <P>Eric32

Eric,<P>Me too!!! I guess you get to a point in the whole experience that you know that you are a honest, loyal, and loving person and if they can't live and be with you then you move on. It isn't that you don't love them, you do, but they are in so much of their own pain and struggling that stepping back feels oh so right. Everything you said is how I feel. I haven't posted in months, but your post hit me in the gut with "thats how I am feeling" that I felt I had to respond. I too have my faith and set of values that are so very important to me and that is how I define myself to the world. I too refuse to settle on certain issues. Good luck and take care. Gerri

Hi Eric,<P> I know what you mean. We are in recovery (5mos.) but it's been a rough go(discovery of affair was 10mos ago)....my H is depressed and seems to be unhappy. I have FINALLY come to the conclusion there is not much more I can do, I think I have let go....and I've been happier and not as obsessed with what he's feeling , thinking etc....I'm concentrating more on myself and although it's probably not MB principles it's the only way I can cope. I guess it is a healing.....glad to feel you have some peace....Lu

I have been separated from H since August. We continue to see each other on weekends as he tries to "sort out his life". He has accepted a job six hours away. He says he is trying "to find a light" and "sort out his life" and see what happens with us. He was not happy while we were living together, nor is he happy with us living apart. I still wait on him to call, etc. and spend my weekends with him, and am depressed by Sunday evenings. I believe him moving away will (1) help me move forward with my own life and (2) make him sort out his feelings, as he will be really alone for the first time. At any rate, he continues to be tired and depressed even though we are living apart. Perhaps it is time for me to let go.

Hi Janie,<BR> <BR> I'm probably alot like you, I try to fix the relationship and think if I try this , this will happen. I've had a change in thinking and mental state since I've started reading the thread Hopefulness on the Divorce Busting forums...(www.divorcebusting.com)....most of those writing are separated and getting on with their lives....it's very positive and has helped me enormously....I think MB is good but I need more for my mental health....good luck to you ....Lu

HI Eric, the feeling that comes with the realization that there is more to life, is pretty remarkable. Seems in many ways we are at the same place? Hard to describe for me...you do a much better job with the pen!<BR>There is just a certain peace that you feel that has been missing for so very long. A certain feeling of 'self' again. In my case it was gone for so long, that when it came back I had to wonder about my sanity.<BR>So very happy to read this from you Eric.

Eric - <P>Boy, I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm at the point where I am perfectly willing to move on. In fact, even if my W were to come back, I would push the divorce. Too much damage has occurred. I think some of us were holding onto an ideal...I know I was. My W is NOT the same woman I married 6 years ago. Now that the extreme pain is subsiding, I WANT to move on.

Hi Eric,<P>Count me in on this too. I feel like the light bulb finally went off for me. It has taken a long time-longer than I anticipated.<P>I am ready to move forward. I too, see my husband feeling lonely-OW lives out of state- and depressed. I can only hope that one day he will regain conscienios (sp), but unfortunately, I don't see myself being there for him. It has been too much for too long.<P>I am happy that you are feeling so good. It is such a blessing to finally get here. I still anticipate some bumps- but no craters to fall into.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>c

Eric,<BR>I couldn't agree with you more. I think this is what happened to me too.<P>My only problem now is that w's affair ahs ended and we are attempting to reconcile. Now I'm having trouble focusing like I was before.

Eric -<P>You have helped me immensely with your perspective, both in this post and in the past. I am curious though if this attitude/healing developed before, during or after you started dating others? I do not mean to imply anything by this question - just want to know if you see a relationship between your feelings of healing and your awareness that others are interested in you.<P>Seems sometimes I am so close to this kind of loving detachment with my H, and then something happens (he reaches out, we connect, he withdraws again) to set me off. And I start to spiral back down to that "sick" feeling we all know so well. What am I missing?<P>Congrats and keep up the inspiring posts...<BR>Starpony

Starpony,<P>You are much too kind. I think the thing that has finally allowed me to let go is letting go of the expectations. Respecting myself enough to accept the reality of the situation and that I cannot change her into what I would like. By focusing on what I NEED from her (or anyone), I give up control to her. I place myself in someone elses hands, that's what I mean by self-respect. It's not really fair to make someone else responsible for our happiness. I finally asked myself, why was I trying to make peace with my W. To get her back at any cost or to give sincerely. I finally decided to give regardless of the outcome. I found this is what really makes me happy. I found the strength to understand that if I did not do it with the actual sincerity I was trying to project, it simply amounted to another lie. There is no "try", only "do". If I don't do something sincerely, then I am lying to myself. I am doing out of my insecurity. I just said no more. I am letting go of the fear of being hurt. All or nothing. You might say this sounds sad, that I lost that ability to love innocently. I was afraid to take this step, trust me. But what I discovered is that it has given me the capacity to love, and be happier, than I ever imagined! You have to really accept that it may be over and that you have truley found forgiveness in your heart. Yes, I love her, I do not want to punish her, I will pray that she is happy and not wish ill of her. When she falls again, I won't be pleased. As with any friend, I will try to pick her up, regardless of the direct benefit to me. I'll do it because, it's who I want to be and it's the right thing to do. Heros do not think of the benifit to themselves before they do something courageous. I would like to think of myself as a hero, it makes me feel stronger because I think, if put in such a situation this is how I would react. We don't get opportunities for valor like in the movies, so I have to settle for being a hero in this way. This kind of character is what I see in myself, if I don't follow through in all parts of my life then it is a hollow image. If you see yourself as hollow then so will others. That is not what I want.<P>The dating didn't have anything to do with this process really. Sure it helped my self confidence, but the work remained seperate. To hide in another's arms would have been useless to me. I did decide that anyone I bothered dating had better share the qualities that I have learned. I won't waste time again with someone who is not happy with themselves. You spend to much effort trying to fix them and that's not what they need; you also forget to share your life. Folks have to fix themselves first, you can help them, but they have to do the work. That's what I have tried to do, and I don't ever want to put this feeling of peace in jepordy again by kidding myself.<P>Eric32

Thank you Eric. This is exactly how I feel. I use the line from Yoda at least 5 times a day on myself. When my H and I first separated and I was withdrawing from him, not talking to him out of anger or an attempt to protect myself, I was a mess. Not sleeping at night, losing weight, etc. - all because I was not being honest with my real values/desires. I want to give unconditionally, it is me, it makes me like who I am, it defines my character. So I started to be a friend to him - thinking that even when we divorce, I would like to have an honest relationship with him - for our kids sakes and our own. And as you describe I tried to treat him as I do my other valued friends.<P>Then, lo and behold, he began to open up to me. Asked to spend more time together, spent a great anniversary together, etc. And here is where I began to feel I "needed" him again to make me happy. I think the trickiest part to balance is when they do start to make efforts to reconcile - one is so used to trying to "fix" them, one is so happy to be in their arms again that the old patterns return. And now that he has withdrawn again, I am incredibly sad and I once again feel the old "fears" of being hurt returning.<P>But...it is less overwhelming than before. And I am committed to to living my values - even though I realize I have not fully let go of expectations yet...but I will get there. <P>Thanks again - Starpony