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#2146581 10/22/08 07:31 PM
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I’ve been referring to this site for months since my intense affair ended with a co-worker. I am so ashamed and confused and seek your input – the harsh and the sublime. My apologies as this is going to be long.

Where I need your input is on how my affair is affecting my marriage even though the EMA is over. (The affair was emotional for 3+ months, physically together one time. We ended it in May and after I was laid-off in July we have had no contact. MM’s wife knows of our infidelity. MM and I both have kids and are both Christian.) My husband and I have been married 14 years. I have read Dr. Harley’s advice here as well as several other books and they all have differing opinions so I’m going to you – those who have lived this. (Books include “How Can I Forgive You”, “The Monogamy Myth”, “When Good People Have Affairs”, “Infidelity”, “Boundaries”, and “Can Your Relationship Be Saved”.)

I’ve been asking husband for over 3 years to do marriage counseling as we’ve been drifting apart since the birth of our 5-year-old. He can be very bitter and he’s a pro at being passive aggressive. He talked down to me, showed no affection, refused to kiss me even when I asked for kisses, and on and on. Despite losing weight and looking better than I have in 20 years, he had little interest in sex. I’ve been vocal with him about my unhappiness and disconnectedness since last November. My friends and family agree that my husband treats me poorly, but I told only my therapist about the affair. In August I walked out on my husband and that’s when he realized I was serious about divorcing him. He has been very close to ugly divorces throughout his family and will do anything (he says now) to not be divorced.

We’ve been in counseling since end of August and my husband is working hard to change. He is reaching out to me more, controlling his temper (better, anyway), touching me, making love to me instead of just satisfying himself, helping more with the kids, says thank you throughout the day for the things I do… The things I’ve been wanting. But I still don’t trust him with my heart. He has slipped a couple of times reverting to his old self and I am very suspicious of his real motives. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to where I need to be in order to be happy with him again. I’m so scared it’s too late. I haven’t loved him for quite a while.

So… Do I tell my husband about my EMA? I believe I’m not fully committed to trying to save this marriage because I feel so horrible about my betrayal. There is a HUGE elephant in the room that only I know about and I feel in fairness he should know what’s happening – why I’m so emotional at times and distant even though he’s making efforts. If I tell him then he can make his decision whether to invest in the therapy and in this marriage based on the full picture. I’m not worried about him leaving because I would deserve that. What I am worried about are two things:
1. If he leaves, the reason everyone will hear is because I cheated, not because he was mean to me and didn’t care about me for years. I will be ostracized from all of our social circles. (We have all the same friends from school, church, and the neighborhood.) Being cheated on is absolutely good enough reason to divorce someone. So maybe that’s my ultimate consequence for betraying my promise to forsake all others. It’s just that it’s not the full story.
2. What if I tell him and we don’t work out anyway? I’ll have destroyed him in two ways. And even though I don’t love him as my husband and lover, I do care for him as the father of our kids and as a friend I’ve known for 20+ years.

(Our couple’s therapist now knows of the affair and said I can tell my husband or not. He said whatever I decide he will support and will work with us.)

What do I do?

1. If I tell him then we’re both working on the relationship from a place of honesty and reality. If we stay together it could be so much better because there will be no secrets. Then again, he could be even bitterer and use it against me. He has used even the littlest things to make me feel small and stupid – like forgetting to buy cookies from the store.
2. If I tell him and we don’t stick, I’ll have hurt him with the betrayal AND with the divorce.
3. If I don’t tell him and we stay together, I will go clinically crazy trying to hold this secret for another 40 years. I’ve held it in for a few months and I’m a wreck because I am not a liar. I know that’s not true since I’ve committed the biggest lie ever with the affair, but it’s so against what I believe. I can’t imagine keeping it from him for another six months let alone forever.
4. If I don’t tell him and we divorce, then he doesn’t know and won’t suffer that pain, but he will have the pain of divorce. And I’ll feel guilty knowing that maybe I didn’t give our marriage the full attention it deserved because I was so distracted by the shame from my cheating.

If not for the kids and the long history with this man, I probably would have left him before the affair even happened. But it happened and I am disgusted, humiliated, and oh so sorry. I’m married to him (for better or worse, right?) and now he’s finally at least going through the motions to be a good husband. How does my EMA fit into all of this? Do I tell him now? Do I wait and tell him later if it looks like we may stay together? Do I hold my tongue and accept my guilty silence that is killing me as my much deserved punishment?

Thanks for taking the time to read this mini-novel.

Last edited by Fireproof; 11/03/09 07:22 PM. Reason: changed at OP's request

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He must be told. Your marriage can't recover without honesty.

Have you read the FAQ's about infidelity here?

Get Dr Harleys His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Also good from a Christian perspective is "Torn Assunder" In it, Dave Carder tells about a man who hid a ONS for 20 years. 20 WASTED years actually.

Please tell your husband. Even bring him here so we can help him.


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First stop calling it an EA.

"The affair was emotional for 3+ months, physically together one time"

It only takes once to call it a PA.

You need to tell your BH. I think you should use your councelor to help do this during a sesson.

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I'm new to this so I apologize as I don't know what all the abbreviations stand for... What does PA mean? I thought EMA stood for extra-marital affair. (Is there a glossary for all of these?)

Thank you for your advice.


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Lucky, I am confused here. What is it you want? You can:
1) Keep living the lie and have a sham of a marriage
2) Take a new start in openness and honesty in hopes you can have the marriage you have always dreamed of
3) Walk away and never look back

It really boils down to how much you are willing to give. Making a marriage work requires true effort from both of you. It sounds like he is making an attempt, are you? A good start would be taking responsibility for your actions and pointing the finger at yourself instead of your husband. Sure, he may not have won husband and father of the year but that does not excuse your betrayal. He is already critically wounded from your actions - he just doesn't know it yet.

- Sh0cked


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Acronyms

EA=emotional affair
PA=physical affair


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Believe me, ShOcked. I blame only myself for the affair. I am 100% responsible for shamefully decieving my husband. It is the biggest mistake of my life and I will never ever be able to make right from it. I cry sevearl times every day because of the pain I know I have caused so many people -- whether they know it or not. I have no idea how people live with this shame. It consumes me.

I tried to make the marriage work for years. Really I did. Many asked how I stayed with him because of how badly he treated me. Even his best friend asked me recently how I put up with him. But my answer was simple. Because of the kids. I have been in counseling, I've talked with our pastor, I've tried writing letters to my husband, begging him, being super sweet and ever-forgiving, nagging, accepting all of the blame, giving him distance, giving him all of my attention... I don't know what else I could have done. I've been forthright with him for 3 years that I'm worried about our relationship. I'd tell him I'm unhappy and his response was (and I'm not kidding) "Well I'm happy so it's your problem." Working on a marriage requires 2 people.

I promise I am not justifying the affair. I work in a male-dominated industry and have had ample opportunities to cheat. But my beliefs kept me honest. Until last February when I messed up everything. I appreciate that my husband is now trying. It's the way it should be now -- both of us contributing to the relationship with home care, child care, and initiating intimacy. But I know I'm not completey there because of what I did. I can't forgive myself so how can I even begin to think he'll forgive me? I mean, really?

But I think y'all are right. I made my bed. I need to lie in it and know that whatever comes I brought it upon myself. I just need the courage. It makes me sad to think that finally -- in this last month I've seen a husband that I've been wanting for so long. And now I will ruin everything with the truth and hurt him like no one ever deserves.


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Well, if it helps, I was betrayed and it was quite the smack from a 2x4. I changed my ways and now my W is amazed at the transformation. She was slow to trust that my behavior would become permanent but time has shown her otherwise. She now believes I would win husband and father of the year. Every day she tells me what a wonderful person I am.

If you really are remorseful and are willing to put in a huge amount of one-sided effort, by all means try and save your marriage. Be prepared, however, as recovery requires an enormous amount of work. He may be like me and get a serious wake-up call or he may be like others and want to leave the marriage. Either way, I highly suggest you steer him to this site for support.

Best of luck to you and your husband.

- Sh0cked

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I am so sorry for you, Sh0cked. Thank you for sharing as your strength is something I can gain from. I can only imagine what you have been through.

Not to get off track as I'm still interested in hearing other opinions about my situation... But did you learn of the affair directly from your wife? I guess that's personal so of course you don't have to disclose that. I'm now leaning toward telling my husband. (This website is having a profound impact on me today.) It's going to be a horrific experience and I need to know the least disasterous way to tell him. Do I do it one on one? Do I do it during a counseling session? Do I do it with our pastor? At night? Before he leaves on a business trip so he can be away from me? I'm not naive to think there is a "best" way to do this. But having been on the receiving end, do you have or does anyone have ideas about the least painful way to hear this horrible news? I'm asking for his sake, not mine.


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There is no "good way"

If you think he may be violent have a counsellor there.

Otherwise one-on-one face to face. Sit down with him. Hold his hands. Look into his eyes and tell him.


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(Our couple’s therapist now knows of the affair and said I can tell my husband or not. He said whatever I decide he will support and will work with us.)

What do I do?

1. If I tell him then we’re both working on the relationship from a place of honesty and reality. If we stay together it could be so much better because there will be no secrets. Then again, he could be even bitterer and use it against me. He has used even the littlest things to make me feel small and stupid – like forgetting to buy cookies from the store.

Welcome to MB, Looking4.

I know your feelings of being abused....BTDT for 30+ years...story linked to my sig line.

You seem to have outlined very good reasons to confess above and your following scenario would be a good option:
Quote
Do I do it during a counseling session?

If you are seeing a qualified trained couselor you both trust it could lessen the impact of your revelation. I would caution you, however, that a counselor who did not encourage you to confess immediately might not be in your best interest in the future.

Yes, your betrayed husband could use your confession against you and be even more bitter than before. The longer you withhold the information, however, the more bitter he might be.

Bitterness or not, you must have openness and honesty if you want to rebuild your marriage. I would also suggest that you offer to do anything possible to regain your husband's trust, recognizing that bitterness and resentment will be a natural by-product for a time.

Because my H and I were both passive aggressive, angry and resentful of each other for so many years, it would have been better if he could have confessed with the help of a counselor.

Glad to hear that this site is helping you lean towards confessing your affair. Another option might be to read all the articles on this site and check to see if there are any counselors in your area who are trained in Marriage Building concepts.

If not, you also might consider MB phone counseling with Jennifer....call the MB counseling center and see if this will work for you.

Best wishes, Looking4 and I hope you'll keep posting.

Ace


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Originally Posted by Looking4
I am so sorry for you, Sh0cked... But did you learn of the affair directly from your wife?
No, but I knew in my heart that there was something wrong. I kept torturing myself trying to come to grips with it. I even went so far as seeking out an IC because I couldn't understand what was happening to our relationship. The day after my appointment, I found out.

She had left the login to her email up on the computer screen. I took a stab at the password and sure enough, I got in and found love letters to/from the OM. I confronted her, she initially denied it, but confessed when I presented her with the evidence. She refused to stop seeing him and about a week later, she moved out.

To make a long story short, her A ended about a month later. She was not sure if she was willing to commit to the marriage but at suggestion of a MC, she decided to move back in and take it day by day. I worked my tail off on Plan A (read up on that) and won her love back. Today our relationship is better than it has ever been.

I don’t know if there are any “good ways” to break the news, only bad and worse ways. I would not tell him just before a business trip. I was worthless for about 2 weeks and could not focus on my job. I agree with bigkahuna – if you are worried about him being violent, your pastor may be the best bet otherwise hold his hand and look him in the eye.

Looking4, do not feel sorry for me. It was the worst pain imaginable but I am much better off than I was before. The whole experience taught me to be a better father, husband, and individual.

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Haven't you read the basic concepts?



Quote
The Policy of Radical Honesty


Honesty and Openness is one of the ten most important emotional needs identified in marriage, which means that when it's met, it can trigger the feeling of love. But it's counterpart, dishonesty, is one of the five most destructive Love Busters. When spouses are dishonest, they destroy the love they have for each other.

But there is a third reason that honesty is crucial in marriage. Honesty is the only way that you and your spouse will ever come to understand each other. Without honesty, the adjustments that are crucial to the creation of compatibility in your marriage cannot be made. Without honesty, your best efforts to resolve conflicts will be wasted because you will not understand each other well enough to find mutually acceptable solutions.

Most couples do the best they can to make each other happy, at least for a while. But their efforts, however sincere, are often misdirected. They aim at the wrong target. Ignorance, not lack of effort, is often the most important cause of their ultimate downfall.

Couples are not only ignorant of ways to improve their marriages; they are often ignorant of the problems themselves. To avoid conflict, they sometimes deliberately misinform each other as to their feelings, personal history, activities, and plans. This not only leads to a failure to meet an important emotional need, and a withdrawal of love units when the deception is discovered, it also makes marital conflicts impossible to resolve. After all, how can you and your spouse solve a problem if your cards are not on the table?

To help you understand how honest you need to be to have a successful marriage, I have written the Policy of Radical Honesty. I call it "radical" because that's how many see my position on the subject. But I view my policy as simply advocating complete honesty in marriage. In our culture I guess that's a radical idea.

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future.

To help explain this policy, I have broken it down into four parts:
1. EMOTIONAL HONESTY: Reveal your emotional reactions, both positive and negative, to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior.
2. HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.
3. CURRENT HONESTY: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
4. FUTURE HONESTY: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
To some extent this policy seems like motherhood and apple pie. Who would argue that it's not a good idea to be honest? But in my years of experience as a marriage counselor, I have constantly struggled with the belief of many clients that dishonesty can be a good idea under certain conditions. Moreover, pastors and counselors themselves often advise dishonesty when a spouse has committed a particularly thoughtless act, such as infidelity. And many marital therapists warn against complaining, something that some consider one of the seven deadly sins of marriage. So instead of complaining, spouses often stuff their feelings and try to put a good face on a bad situation.
Granted, dishonesty can be a good short-term solution to marital conflict. It will probably get you off the hook for a few days or months or keep the problem on the back burner. But it's a terrible long-term solution. If you expect to live with each other for the next few years and still be in love, dishonesty can get you into a great deal of trouble.
Because there are so many out there who advocate dishonesty in marriage, I will describe the four parts of my Policy of Radical Honesty, and explain to you why I think they are so important in marriage.

highlighting this:
2. HISTORICAL HONESTY: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.

with an emphasis on this:
particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure


Last edited by Pepperband; 10/23/08 07:28 PM.
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Thank you, Pepperband. (And everyone else.) I have read the basic concepts. I've been reading Dr. Harley's advice and posts on this website for months and I know what I'm supposed to do. It's not pride that keeps me from telling. I deserve to be shamed. I'll wear the scarlet letter. I brought it on and know I am the only one responsible for my sin.

Where I'm stuck is with hurting him. As much a I've been hurt in this marriage and as much as I've wanted out in the last year, I still can't hurt my husband with this news that will tear him apart. My struggle is that I don't know if I want to rebuild this marriage. As Ace and everyone states, I need to tell in order repair this relationship. But I have been trying for almost three years to fix our marriage. And up until 2 months ago, I have been alone in this effort. (Posts above give more of the story.) I'm afraid it's too little to late as I don't love my husband any more. And he knows this. As recently as this afternoon I was googling divorce lawyers because once again he belittled me in front of our children. He seems to be changing, then he regresses right back to making me feel like nothing. So if I tell him about the PA then determine I can't stay in this relationship anymore, what good does telling him do? If I tell him and he decides he wants work on the marriage but I determine I can't, what will happen to him then? I effectively checked out of our marriage in June. He didn't care until I left one night. And even when he finally agreed to counseling, he said he was doing it for the kids. Nothing about doing it for us.

I want to tell. I know I'm supposed to tell. But I don't know if I can be married anymore. I need your wisdom.

Last edited by Looking4; 10/24/08 12:16 AM.

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That really isn't your decision to make - it is your husbands.

Exposure of an affair will definitely change the dynamic in your marriage.

This site is FULL of the stories of BS's who once SWORE an affair would be the end of the marriage but who when confronted with the spouses affair not only didn't end the marriage they worked to address the WS's grievances and as a result they and their spouse fell in love.

No dear. You do not get to make that choice. Your fear is talking. Time to stand up to the plate.


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Originally Posted by Looking4
I deserve to be shamed. I'll wear the scarlet letter.
:RollieEyes: SHOW ME where it says THIS in MB basic concepts?


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Originally Posted by Looking4
But I don't know if I can be married anymore.

How do you feel about the vows you took when you married?
Are they toss away things?

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My vows are not toss away things. But then I don't even know who I am any more. I also vowed to foresake others and yet I did it. Ask anyone who knows me and I am the last person they would ever peg as an adulterer -- yet I am. I am a liar. It's been NC for over 4 months and I still can't look myself in the mirror. But this is not my pity party... I know what I'm supposed to do. I just need reassurance that despite the h*** it's going to bring to my H, and whether or not we stay together, it must be done. What the fallout is going to be, it's going to be. Based on what y'all and MB are telling me, it's the least I can do for my H.

Last edited by Looking4; 10/24/08 02:48 AM.

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Originally Posted by Looking4
I am so ashamed and confused and seek your input – the harsh and the sublime.

Where I need your input is on how my affair is affecting my marriage even though the EMA is over. (The affair was emotional for 3+ months, physically together one time. We ended it in May and after I was laid-off in July we have had no contact. MM’s wife knows of our infidelity. MM and I both have kids and are both Christian.) My husband and I have been married 14 years. I have read Dr. Harley’s advice here as well as several other books and they all have differing opinions so I’m going to you – those who have lived this. (Books include “How Can I Forgive You”, “The Monogamy Myth”, “When Good People Have Affairs”, “Infidelity”, “Boundaries”, and “Can Your Relationship Be Saved”.)

Looking4 - Doesn't seem to be too much in the way of "Christian" counseling and books there, that is what strikes me for someone who claims to BE a Christian. Where is God's Word in your list of "reference books?"

So let's get one FACT "out of the way" before going onto anything else. "Everyone," EXCEPT for your husband, already knows about your adultery?

TRUST, (of the "I grant you my trust in a 'blind trust' fashion)which is what your husband has in you, is about to "Go away forever." "THOU SHALT NOT..." is NOT a suggestion. It is both a command and warning to keep you from negative consequences.

Your husband MAY choose to divorce you. He has that right.

I have been on "his side of the table," and I am a Christian, as is my wife (no, it didn't stop her from giving in to temptation either, blaming me as you are blaming your husband, as a means to "justify" the adultery in her mind).

Take if from me, in many respects it would have been "easier" to simply divorce and move on. Recovery FROM adultery is HARD. It is a "life changing" event that cannot be "undone." If it were NOT for God's forgiveness and strength that is available to believers, I personally don't think a recovered marriage is possible. People CAN stay in "recovery" and stay "married," but reaching "recovered" is highly unlikely. It is that hard even for believers who DO have resources "outside of themselves.

So, as a professing believer, let me offer this to you. DO NOT attempt to recover your marriage WITHOUT the assistance of a trained Christian marriage counselor who is committed to BOTH saving your marriage and helping you both become submitted followers of Christ no matter what you might be feeling at any given time.

Do it WITH Christ or without Christ. You each have that choice. You've already tried dealing with your marriage problems without Christ and have now seen who "wonderful" sin is in ALL of its aspects.

God KNOWS how extremely painful adultery is, and it is the one reason He gives us to divorce that does not entail the faithful spouse themselves committing adultery in future relationships.

So don't "fool yourself." This revelation to your husband IS necessary, but it also IS a the "Thermonuclear Bomb" that will destroy him. Rebuilding NEEDS to be with the Lord, not a "do it yourself fix 'em up kit."

And one last piece of advice. DON'T you dare try to shift ANY blame for YOUR choice to commit adultery and trash YOUR marriage vows IF you truly ARE "sorry" and if you DO want a chance to save your marriage.

The first part of ANY confession and repentance is .... "LORD, *I* have sinned against you...." It is NOT....so and so made me do it.

Don't ever forget that.

The second part is Forgiveness, as God has commanded us and as God has forgiven us. But only IN and WITH Christ, not on our own in some "pseudo" sort of "feel good forgiveness."

Looking4, you NEED, and your husband will NEED, to be surrounded with solid Christian help to get through this.






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Originally Posted by Looking4
I want to tell. I know I'm supposed to tell. But I don't know if I can be married anymore. I need your wisdom.

You, Christian, don't have a "choice" in the matter. You ARE married.

It is your husband who "has the choice." You already chose.

And NO, you have NOT been trying to "fix" your marriage. You tried on your own, without God, and you only tried enough to "justify" in your mind that it was "okay" to violate your vows to God and to your husband.

You are about to find out that that "greener grass" on the other side of the fence also comes with a gigantic water bill.

Keep denying. Keep justifying. Keep giving your husband no reason to want to even try to recover from your adultery.

Good luck.


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