This is the first time I've ever posted anything about my situation. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have three children ages 25, 20 and 15. In June of 2001, I received an anonymous letter that said my husband was having an affair. When I showed it to him, he broke down and cried. Two days later he told me there was a child that was born October 30, 1998. He told me he never loved the other woman. He had secretly been paying her child support since the child was born. He promised me he would never see or talk to her again. Now I know how foolish I was to try and sweep it under the rug. One year later he called me at work to tell me he had been seeing her again. This time he promised me and my children he would spend the rest of his life making it up to us. At that point, we went to court, had a paternity test and started paying the support legitimately through the courts. I still didn't want the child in our life. I know now that was the wrong decision. In 2006 she began calling him again without my knowledge. He wasn't honest with me. She begged him to visit the child and she asked for more money. He grew up without a father so he felt terrible about not being in the childs life. He started seeing her again for the third time!!! I don't know how many times and I don't know exactly when it started. I received a letter from her in Jaunary of this year asking for money. She said her car was being repossessed and she couldn't afford anything. She also said that the child wanted to see his father. Little did I know that the letter was my husband's idea. He didn't want to go behind my back anymore so he told her to write the letter. He claims he didn't want to have sex with her either. Once I read the letter, I felt sorry for the child. I called her and planned a meeting to play miniature golf. I had no idea they had been seeing eachother again until May of this year. He finally came clean and told me the truth. We've been seeing the other child regularly and unfortunately have e-mail and phone contact with the other woman too. It's extremely hard for me and my older children to be around this child. My husband has already moved past everything but I'm struggling with it. All of the lies and deceit for so long and THREE TIMES!! My husband tells me over and over how much he loves me but how could he do this over and over? Fortunately, the other woman and child just recently moved over 500 miles away so it's more difficult to see them now. I really want to forgive and forget but I feel like I've been played a fool. I deeply love my husband and don't want to break my family apart.

Help!

AnySuggestions,

Hello, I am a moderator here. I moved your post from the welcome thread, to a thread of it's own. Hopefully this will assist you in getting the help you are seeking.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Welcome AnySuggestions. So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It seems to me that you and your H need to decide together if contact with the OC is what you really want and if your marriage can sustain it. Your H's methods for getting your to agree to C was underhanded and weak. Believe me, I know because OC in my situation is going to be 4 and I just found out he has been having C behind my back again as well. It is never ending with these men to allow the OW to control the situation and to use the OC as ammunition to keep the affair going. Whether it was sexual or not doesn't matter. It was a betrayal of your trust.

Thank you for responding! My family has decided collectively that seeing the other child is not in our best interest. The dilemna now is how to communicate that to the OW and C. We thought of writing a letter from all of us.

What do you think about that?

In the meantime all of the tools from this website have been incredible. Last night we completed the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and reviewed the findings with eachother. I really know in my heart that he hates himself for doing what he has done. He wants to move on with our lives (finally) and so do I.

Sincerely,

Susan 41 years old
Husband 48 years old
Three kids (25,20,15)
Married at the age of 16!

Is the CS set up legally? If so, I would simply write her a NC letter with a means to contact you in case of extreme emergency. Perhaps a email account or PO BOX or even a 3rd party.

Expect drama and her attempting to break NC. I have yet to see one that hasn't.

Yes, the child support is set up legally. What's a NC letter? I'm trying to get use to the abbreviations but am having a little trouble.

I feel badly for the child because I know he will be extremely sad he can't come visit. It's just too much on all of us though, including my husband.

Do you think this will cause any permanent damage to the child emotionally?

Here is my rough draft of the letter. What do you think?



xxxxxx (ow),


Collectively as a family unit, we have decided to write you a letter to express how we feel.

It is not in the best interest of our family to continue communications with you or XXXXXX(OC). We have come together to make this decision so please respect our feelings and move on with your life. Do not attempt to call or e-mail any more asking for money or advice. The decision you made to have the child was yours and yours alone.

You will need to comfort your son and explain to him that under the circumstances, it is too difficult for us to see him. We are not sorry for meeting him but he has to understand that there is a lot of pain associated with his presence.

When XXXXXX(OC) becomes of age, it will be up to him whether or not to contact us.

XXXXXX
XXXXXX
XXXXXX
XXXXXXX


Faithful follower - Thanks for your advice!!

No Contact letter. I would drop the second paragraph from the letter. You don't want OC to read that someday. Instead I would just leave it as it being in the best interest of your family to have NC. Will the child suffer damage? I don't know. I would suggest you and H write some cards and letters about your feelings for OC and put it in a safe place to give him when he contacts you later. He most likely will. Please do provide her with a means to contact you in the case of extreme emergency.

Thank you.

I would also drop this line.

It is not his fault and he doesn't "have" to understand anything. He will figure it out for himself someday.

I would keep a copy of this letter so that when the OC does come, you have it as backup.

Also, from this point on I'd keep a record of ANY contact that is attempted by the OW (and she will) so that you can show the child (when he is grown) how difficult SHE made it.

Once NC/C is made, it takes a concerted effort by the h and w to NOT ALLOW any distractions to take over their marriage again.

Fortunately, you two have one of the best tools (MB) to practice your marriage "muscles" till it will no longer be practice and simply become a part of both of you.

Kind regards,
Kimmy

Wow! What a story. And I thought mine was so unique.

I understand that you love your family and want to keep it intact. How can you forgive H after so many times of being unfaithful and lying all the time?

Apparently he has some kind of relationship with OC. Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but the OC does know your H is his father, right?

Just my opinion, but writing a letter in this particular situation would be the coward's way out. I'm sure this child must be very confused right now........moving away from everything he knows, his security, his father.

This child can only be 10 or 11. How do you explain to him the severity of the situation, and/or that he's no longer wanted?

Even if he doesn't see the letter now, he will know the truth someday, especially if OW gets angry with your H, she may say things out of anger that would hurt OC.

I myself am a BS, and recently found out about my H OC. AM I angry at her? Yes of course.........but I'm even angrier with H.

I've said this before. It's not fair to say to OW "you chose to have the baby alone, you deal with it" Our Husbands were THERE..........making these babies. They should accept the blame equally.

When I found out, I called the OW. She was very nasty because she found out that H had been lying to her. She won't see him, and she won't allow him to see OC. That is why we are in NC, not because H thought it was best for our family. He blames ME for him not seeing OC. Tough S**T!

If you and H agree that you both do not want her or OC in your lives anymore, you should at least make a phone call (with both you and H on the line)and make it clear to her that you are stopping all communication with her.

Don't ever write down what you might not want someone else to see.

I could only dream that OW and OC would move 500 miles away.

I still do not trust H, and have my suspicions that he may be seeing OC behind my back. What can I do about it right now? Nothing. But that doesn't mean I'm not making plans. Sorry if I sounded harsh, I just feel bad when I hear about a child being in the middle of these messes.

Hi hurtmomof2,

It's been very difficult to forgive my husband for all of the lies and deceit. I'm still working on it and so are my children. We have been together for over 27 years now. Throwing away a lifetime of friendship and love isn't easy.

He doesn't have much of a relationship with the oc or ow. He very rarely saw them. There was a time span of years that went by between 2002 and 2006. Even during 2006 to the end of 2007, he would visit no more than two times a month for maybe 30 minutes at a time. Sometimes to drop off money secretly behind my back because the ow is a loser and can't support herself.

The oc has visited our family about 10 times now. My children do not like having him around. They feel very uncomfortable. I have to do what's right for MY FAMILY. I feel badly for the oc but life does go on.

You may be right about writing a letter. We're still trying to figure out the best way to communicate how we feel about the NC. It's very difficult situation now since the child knows all of us.

If you live close to the OW and you think your H is seeing the OC, he is. I felt that the last time. I knew something wasn't right. It was strange that we hadn't heard from her. I kept asking my husband and he wouldn't come clean until he was injured by the universe! I know that sounds crazy, but every time he was lying to me, he was badly injured.

If you only knew all of the horrible e-mails the OW has sent to me. She is not a nice person. Things like "yah, I ------ your H, now get over it."

It's time for her to move on. I don't want to hear her voice or read her e-mails anymore. I think if she's really gone, we can move on with our lives.

Sincerely,

Susan

PS - My H didn't sign the birth certificate. Did yours?

Just curious.

Yes! The stupid fool did! Without a DNA test.........Dumb!!!!!

Have you had a test yet? That was one of the first things I requested when I found out. And I wanted the CS to be through the courts and legal so she couldn't come back and say he never paid.

No, H won't take a test. Insists the baby is his. This woman is bi-sexual(know for a fact) She doesn't know what she wants. H says in therapy that she is with a woman now.

When she found out he was staying with me, she flipped and sent him a bunch of nasty texts and won't let him see the baby. She even said she wished he was dead! It wasn't even really a matter of him choosing to stay with me, I just didn't kick him out.

They must have had some kind of fantasy plan that he told her if I found out about OC I would leave him. WHen she found out I knew, and he didn't go running to her, I think that really pissed her off and now she is punishing him.

Actually, even though I just found out in August, I'm quite calm.
I can honestly say right now I couldn't care less about the baby.

Nothing bad is really going on in my house right now, so It's not on my mind every minute. He wants to go see OC, let him...........makes no difference to me.

I have 4 kids of my own to take care of. I have some auto-immune problems (NOT HIV)........Lupus. So we have a full time Nanny.

Stress is the worst thing for my condition, so I'm lucky to have her to help with the kids when I'm not feeling well.

Were your kids young when they met OC?

I am not against NC with the OC. For NC with the OP parent is needed. Many OP's can not do a plan B parenting plan where a third party is used for communication and child exchanges. They insist on using their OC as an pawn to maintain themselves in their AP's life.

Though as an adult, as most OC's do, they come looking for their missing parent. Expect that.

"The decision you made to have the child was yours and yours alone."

The line is very offensive and insulting.

Did the OW have a virgin birth?

How is it that your husband is left off the wrath?

Did you want this OW to murder her OC before it was born?

Did you want this OW to give up her OC for adoption?

Why should she have to grieve the lose of her child?

Is it not better for this OC to be raised by it's mom and to get to at least have the opportunity to know, interact, and be supported by it's mom's extended family?

Because it would make your life easier?

What do these situations have ANYTHING to do with being FAIR???

There is NO fairness here for the children (COMs AND OCs) or the betrayed.

There is ONLY reactions in order to minimize the nuclear fallout.

Everyone handles the fallout in the way THEY deem best for THEIR families and there is NO right or wrong way.

After the heinous wrongs done to the children and the betrayed for ANYONE not in the situation to ASSUME that the way they ***would*** do it is the RIGHT way is self righteous and quite honestly, inane.

Actually it was me who said that it wasn't fair to blame the OW only. My point was that our H were there too. They should be blamed also.

Maybe I am misunderstanding you when you said that anyone who isn't in this situation with an opinion is being self righteous.

I don't understand..........everyone on this board is dealing with a cheating spouse and OC.

Maybe I missed something? I don't know.

I used your quote, but I was also referring to TRs post.

There is NOTHING "fair" about this.

There's no use in utilizing the word...


You'd think. You'd be amazed at how many that aren't walking in our sandals chime in telling what's "right" and what's not.

And you are entirely correct...the WH does own half of this.

But there is a time for a family to decide WHAT bits make up the half...is it CS and C or CS and insurance w/no C...what?

It is up to the BS and WS to decide that...and ONLY they can decide that for their family. ONLY them.