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We met him for the first time early this year. He was 9 years old. My children were 14, 19 & 24.

My children don't want anything to do with him unfortunately.

We just wrote the letter to the OW and all signed it. My H wrote a letter to the OC. We feel much better now.

We all feel like we can move on now.


Thanks,

Susan
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I thought you were thinkig about not writing the letter? I can understand writing to OW, but why to the child?

He will be very hurt. I would think twice about that, as some of the other Ladies have pointed out.

Please don't take this the wrong way.........but I think your children are old enough to understand and accept the situation.

Maybe not when your youngest was 9. My oldest is 16, and she's not that upset (upset for me, yes.) but not about OC. Even my 9 year old isn't concerned, and they've both seen the baby.

TOTAL different story for another time.

The little ones are too young to grasp what's going on.

Writing the letter to OW I'm sure felt great and empowering, and I'm with you on that. I would just hate to see an innocent child hurt by a situation that adults created.


Me: BS-37
WH: 39
OC born 6/08
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I hear you. My H wanted to write a letter to him.

This is how it reads:

Dear -------,

The relationship I had with your mother was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly, -----, ------, ------- and -------. They did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused them. I am going to work hard to be the best husband and father that I can be.

Because of the terrible offense to my family and the damage I have done to my marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with your mother. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family as a unit.

I will continue to send child support and have a relationship with you by mail. You have my address. Please write to me, it can be fun. I promise I will write you back. Be respectful to your mother.

I love you,

----

The most important thing to me is MY family. I didn't have it easy growing up. Sometimes the school of hard knox is a good thing. I was told when I was 7 years old that my father had an affair with my mother's mother. I was devistated but I moved past it.

He was born into this and there isn't anything I can do about it.

It's time for us to move on!


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Susan
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I think it's important for the OC to understand it's not ok to commit adultery. Hopefully he never will. I know my children won't.


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Susan
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Oh WOW!!!!! I don't care if I get flamed or whatever for this. That is the most hurtful letter anyone could ever send to a 10 year old! Basically saying he was a mistake and practically a waste of space.!

He is his father too, but says he needs to be a father to his other kids...........how can the kid not take that as rejection?

You can have a relationship by mail? It will be fun???? WTF!!!!!

Save your stamps AnySuggestions. If I was OW, I would never, ever allow him to see this letter or write to his father who does not want him.

Then to end it with "I Love You" What a bunch of BS!!!!!

You are adults and should know better than to hurt a child like that. What if either of you got a letter from your father, regardless of his relationship with your mother, that said this? At 10, you'd be balling your eyes out!

You're giving him the impression that his mother is a no good person and he is a mistake that you don't want to deal with anymore.

I don't care what you think of me..........this is disgusting to do to a child. If you send this letter, you may feel better, but certainly not him. Also, the choice of words you wrote in the letter are a bit sophisticated for a 10 year old to grasp. If I didn't know the letter was to a child, I would have thought it was to another adult, based on the context.

One day something will happen that you won't have control of. You should think back on the letter to this child. Maybe then you will realize it was wrong. This will come back to you...........Karma is a Bit*h!!

Last edited by hurtmomof2; 11/13/08 10:42 PM.

Me: BS-37
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I do not think the child is old enough for a letter like that.

Please do not send it till he is much older...or save it for the day he seeks your family out.

I think your dh is trying to "fix" what he has done, but on this issue he is like a bull in a china shop.

Save the letter.

Send nothing but the letter to OW.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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Hello, I just wanted to say i'm sorry for what has happened to you, my H only cheated sexually twice but lied over 3 years, I don't know how you can stay with your H after he kept going behind your back but I do understand we all deal with things differently and have different tolerance levels.

The two previous posters are right, the letter to the OC would be a bad idea, as the BS we may not like/want anything to do with the OC but they are still an INNOCENT CHILD, it's not fair to hurt the child because of the mistakes its parents made.

Hope it goes well

L x

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AS, I wish you had done what I previously suggested and write a letter to the OC and KEEP it for when he shows up on your doorstep in the future. I hope and pray that letter has not gone out in the mail. 10 is still so young and innocent and I imagine that after not knowing his father for 9 years, that child is devastated to lose him yet again. Your H's actions are cruel, AS. He should NEVER had tried contact with a child that age unless he planned to continue.


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anysuggs,,,,,,

1st let me say that i am so sorry that you have found yourself in this mess.

2nd let me state that i feel there are no wrong ways of dealing with these situations. each of us walking this path has very different potholes to fill in.

3rd i am sorry for what i am about to say.

THAT SAID.. i am simply appalled at the way your h wants to handle this and totaly shocked at how you are assuming it will all be swept under the rug with this letter.

your h needs some very serious counseling. he has been nothing more then a self centered j__k for over 10 years.

let me start with your h. he lies to you for over 10 years, has had an on and off relationship with ow for 10 years, has had a relationship (so what if it is only 2 times a month. many children live with every other weekend parents) with his son for 10 years and now you are asking him to walk away.

forget about the oc right now. what makes you think your h will be able to do this? is it the 500 mile distance. what happens should ow decide to move back closer?

you have already said that your h feels bad about his own no show father. is he now agreeing because the distance makes it inconvient and easy?

now for the letter. he starts with saying oc's conception was "thoughtless and cruel".

this should make a 10 yo or a 21 yo or a 45 yo feel like they were nothing more then a worthless mistake.

then he adds that "it hurt many people, particularly, ____,____.____ and ____."

where did he say that it hurt the recipient of the letter, oc? and although you don't have any compassion for ow she was also hurt by your h's deciept and lies.

he goes on to say "I am going to work hard to be the best husband and father that I can be."

when did your honorable h, who is trying to "regain his integrity" stop being oc's father after 10 years?

and finally he goes on to say "Please write to me, it can be fun".

what a load of do-do. sure a 10 yo would love getting mail but "fun"? fun for a 10 yo boy is playing catch, camping, learning how to fish.

i am sorry but i am open to all avenues of people getting thru this tramatic situation. but i am seeing this as a complete selfcentered path.

and your children are misplacing there anger on a 10 yo child. seeing him for anything more then as innocent as themselves is wrong in my book. they are all old enoough to see clearly who the real villian is here in their lives.

i would never try to argue anyones pain, hurt or anger. but i see their anger with being around oc as them trying to say "poor dad was the victim". and i get the whole idea at them not wanting to be angry at dad. but again at their ages they need to face the real facts and not use that little boy as their scape goat.

like it or not, admit it or not, accept it or not. the fact is that child has 1/2 their blood running through his veins.

the problem here is your h. he has been and is still a liar if he thinks that this 500 mile separartion will cure his desire to be interactive with this oc.

i am truly sorry if this sounds angry. but like i said i am amazed at how you all want to sweep this under the rug at the expense of a 10 yo boy.




Last edited by pops; 11/16/08 11:05 PM.

me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
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anysuggs,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


"""""""""""""""I know my children won't."""""""""""

you know, i hope you are right. but please be careful and i hope you can find a place for forgiveness in your heart should life throw you a curve.

i spent 20 some odd years thinking that my wife would "NEVER" have an A.

i was wrong

i thought i had raised my kids to have sound morals and judgement about their relationships.

i was wrong

my oldest married his wife who was not d when they met. he was an om for a while

my oldest dd has 4 children from 3 fathers. the last twins are from a fater whom she is living with. and she has not completed her d from father #2

am i happy about these situations? a resounding NO. but i have come to accept and tolerate them because i love my children.

point being is we "DON'T" know what lies ahead for our children.

but we definately can show them how to deal with heartache and seemingly unbearable situations with class, character, empathy and compassion.





me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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"Originally Posted By: TheRoad
It's not fair to say to OW "you chose to have the baby alone, you deal with it"

"What do these situations have ANYTHING to do with being FAIR???"

I don't see how one can use something someone else said and put it into quotes making it appear that those words came out of my mouth.

I sorry but I reserve the right of speaking for myself only for myself, not to anyone else.

"has had a relationship (so what if it is only 2 times a month. many children live with every other weekend parents) with his son for 10 years and now you are asking him to walk away."

I have not been back to this thread since I last posted here. Tonight I have caught up. The above quote of Pop's was an eye opener. You WH has been a dad to this child for ten years. Now he is going to give the OC the big kiss off.

I am not surprised. Your WH had no class to have an affair. Your WH may of ended his affair, but he has not improved as a person to crush his OC. When this poor OC grows up and is messed up how much is your husband going to help his son straighten out. Your wonderful WH has created the potential for this OC to grow up into one messed up adult that will need plenty of therapy. Is the great dad WH is going to foot the bill for his love child?

The best part is to send not that letter but any letter of that nature to this child. To divorce a spouse is one thing.

To divorce a child that you have had a ten year relationship. Class. When you look up the word class in the dictionary I guess that's were they have a picture of your WH's face.

I believe in NC between the AP's. Being that there has been ten years contact the adults need to be adult, and figure a way to have a third party OC exchange so NC can be maintained between the AP's.

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and i wanted to add one more thing. if your h does send this letter he needs to drop the names and "excuse" about "his" family coming together.

the letter should come from him and only him and state his and only his reasons.

don't list the com and you. that's like lining up an army of adults against this one child.

it also allows your h to lay blame on "his" family should oc come looking in 5, 10, 15 years.



me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
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Pops-Amen to that! Couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I did write a similiar post. And others have said pretty much the same thing.

Not only is AS's H handling this in a terrible way and showing his true character. I think AS is just as bad........I can almost see her in the corner laughing "ha Ha- I got my way!"

If this guy is going to abandon a 10 year old, and not even think twice about it.........what woman would want to be with him after that?

I also agree (and think I said) these kids are adults, 2 of them anyway Other is 15? They are way too old to be playing the part of jealous siblings.

There's a lot of living left to do.........what goes around comes around.............


Me: BS-37
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You know what? I went back to the beginning of this thread, just to make sure I had all the facts straigt before I posted.

The more I read, the more I think this is a bogus story. Maybe it's an OW with MM child who wants to see how we wives would respond to finding out.

Her H cheats on her 3 or 4 times, and she stays? Who would do that? Some wives can forgive one act of discretion (or affair)
and move on. Some women can't.......you cheat on me, we're done.

How could she forgive all his lying and cheating over the last 10 years? And to bring her adult, and almost adult COM into it seems strange. Why would a 25 year old be threatened by a 10 year old? They wouldn't. They might not like it. But it not like we're dealing with little kids here.

AS also said her children were uncomfortable around OC and don't want anything to do with him. That wouldn't be a typical reaction for 2 grown men to have.

If there is any bit of truth to this story, than I think she put her sons up to putting pressure on their father.

AS seems to be a little too "gleefull" that this letter has been written.

ALso what struck me as odd. was when she first posted, it sounded like your typical OC story. I felt sorry for her. Then the idea of the letter came up very quickly.

She got what she wanted from H, rather quickly too.

So why post the story here? She didn't really need much support.

I could be completely wrong, but It sound like a bunch of crap to me.


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i read this thread on thursday evenning. i was scheduled for the cath lab on friday morning so didn't respond until i got home.

i remember being ticked off for 2 days and was debating even responding knowing i had nothing positive to say. then i read your reply along with theroad's and had to add my .02 cents.

i know of some people (both m and w) who have knowingly dealt with multiple cheaters for yrs.

i am with you tho. my w has had her one and only chance in that arena. hers was a fairly short lived A and it was dang near the end of our M. had we not had such a large family or had all my children been older or had she carried on for say another 1 - 3 weeks we would have been done.

altho i don't fault anyone's feelings in these matters i do agree with the com being so uncomfortable not sounding right. my kids were (trying to think back thru the gray matter) 6, 9, 11, 12, 18. 19 & 25 at the time. and altho the 2 oldest were angry at my w they all accepted the baby unconditionally.

well i guess we will have to wait and see if she reply's

take care, pops





me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
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Just a comment on the multiple A's and forgiveness. Take a look at my signature line. I've forgiven more than one, as has my H. Is it easy? No, but I LOVE my H with all my heart and we have worked to get us to where we are today. Is it painful? You bet! As it is said all the time, especially on THIS specific part of the forum, each person has their own way of dealing with this situation, and just as many foundations to buildings are similar, the buildings themselves are usually quite different, when there are different designers, or even houses that are built the same, the interior design is NEVER the same.

Now, on the note of the older kids being "uncomfortable". Well, they didn't know about this half sibling till about a year ago? I can see it to a point, but that the letter was done up SO quickly, and the way the letter to the OC was composed......I'm not so sure either. If you are for real, please take another look at the letters. Neither one are going to work for what they are written for. In a NC letter, your H needs to write it to the OW with as little detail on how you are repairing your M as possible, It's none of her business how you are doing or how your kids are dealing with this mess. As for the letter to the OC, to me it was just cruel! This little boy is only 10, and the letter was written as if he was an adult! Plus, if the OW is bitter, she's going to put a negative spin on it every chance she can get, and make your whole family out to be equal to ax murderers! Don't give her any more fuel for her fire.

That's my 2 cents on this matter. I know that many here say 2 strikes you're out, but I still believe that marriage is forever, IF you can repair the damage. As a Christian, I know that God hates divorce and so I will do what I can to save my marriage.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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but I still believe that marriage is forever, IF you can repair the damage. As a Christian, I know that God hates divorce and so I will do what I can to save my marriage.

Thank you Tig.

We all have our point of no return...one person's just may be further along down the road from another's.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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That's my 2 cents on this matter. I know that many here say 2 strikes you're out, but I still believe that marriage is forever, IF you can repair the damage. As a Christian, I know that God hates divorce and so I will do what I can to save my marriage.

the one thing God allows divorce is adultry, even God knows how painful it is.
I don't believe that its a two strike and your out, its about never making that mistake again, driving the marriage into the ditch and now the driver does all they can to get it out, bends over backwards to prove themselves, prove they can be trusted, that they truly do love you and want the marriage to work, its easy to see that they are remorseful and are working for the same thing, earning back what was originally there once now has to be worked on by the offender, or is it only being remorseful until you meet someone that your willing to hurt your spouse again and bring it all back. where is the true remorse if it happens over and over?
It can be more then 2 strikes if you know in your heart that things weren't fixed in the way they should of been but when its repeated over and over again with no regard for the marriage, for the spouse and you know that they do not care and you don't trust them, then you know they don't love you and its time to trudge ahead without them.


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Anysuggestions will not come back to post. At first she was getting the response and support for her actions. But as the details unfolded and the support she received have changed.

She will choose to ignore the latest posts. Most likely she has show her WH the first posts and will not show him the later ones.
She will remain silent and will not engage us because she wants the OC to be handled in an unethical manner.

This issue is only about what will make her happy. Not the best for everyone, just one.

She is hypocritical. Condem WH for affair, but not for being a bad father.

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Condem WH for affair, but not for being a bad father.

It IS a risk of being and OW w/OC.

While they are active participants in the adultry they are NEVER good fathers.



I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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