Hi everyone,

I'll try to make the background short and get right to the point. My husband and I have been together for 8 years (first serious relationship for either of us), married for 4. He has been nothing but wonderfully supportive, driven to support the family, and forgiving of all my failings and flaws. We got pregnant with our first child just a few months after we got married, and, while I became a stellar mom, I was not a stellar wife - my husband studied all day, I did not clean, cook, satisfy him sexually. Yet he stuck with the relationship. It was always the plan for me to go to medical school, and we made that happen starting last year - he worked long hours as a highly successful corporate attorney, financed my education, our son's childcare, continued not to demand any housekeeping, cooking, looked after our son all weekend so I could have more time to study... he gave, and gave, and gave.

I had an affair this past summer. It is the last thing my husband or I ever thought either of us would do, and it is the worst thing either of us could do to our marriage. It revealed a lot of flaws/problems that I had internalized from growing up in a single-parent household, but the fact remains that I made the decision to play with fire - I thought I could talk to this OM, the attention from his was nice, but that that's all it would be.

That's not all. It got out of control so quickly, and I had so many issues that compounded it. I actively pursued this OM, I had control problems, I didn't want to admit it was casual sex for this guy (or that it could even be just that for me). I emotionally disconnected from my husband and son, knew what I was doing was hurtful and jeopardizing everything we had but couldn't "feel" emotionally any real impact. I didn't want affection from my husband, I felt like being independent (not even like being w/ this OM, just independent), I couldn't understand who I had become.

I finally realized this didn't have to be me - I didn't have to be this WS. I stopped contacting the OM, started therapy, and identified that I had to tell my husband and go through this with him if we ever hoped to fix things.

I told him almost 2 1/2 months ago. We are trying to fix things, tentatively, and are reading/have read Dr. Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" books. The question is: what if my husband, the BS, doesn't want to risk this all again?

We have already taken steps that ease his peace of mind and help him focus on making decisions about our future - we are getting a legal divorce tomorrow (religiously we are still married, which carries weight for both of us), I have given him residential custody in our Joint Parenting Agreement, waived spousal support, trying to show him I'm not with him for money, that I regret what I did and want to do what's right by him should things go south... I just don't want them to. I feel like they can be better, that we can fix this, that we can be happy again.

Sorry, I'm losing focus. The question: what if the BS doesn't want the WS back, or doesn't know if he does?

You handed him the get out of marriage free card. It's his right to use it.

Display patience.

Continue to work on fixing you.

Keep your word.

Remain transparent.

Let him notice the positive changes in you.

Respect his decisions.

BS, that is always the prerogative of any betrayed spouse. Some do choose to move on. Some people are just not cut out for this. For me, I did decide to move on but gave my H a second chance to prove himself. We are still together so it did work out. If he had not tried so hard we would not have been.

Have you worked hard to demonstrate remorse and accountability? Have you cut off ALL contact with the OM and demonstrated a willingness to AFFAIR PROOF your marriage so it doesn't happen again? Have you given him a reason to take a second look?

Did you lie to him for a long time so that he just gave up? When that happens, many BS end up falling out of love and even growing to hate the WS. Once that happens, it is very hard to ever turn it around again.

Thanks for such quick replies so far, everyone. I do fully understand that , as iam said, I gave my husband the get out of marriage free card, and he has every right to use it. Every right. The fact that he's still here and we're trying to work through things together? It speaks to how incredible he is, (conversely, how much of an idiot I was), how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am. I cannot appreciate enough that he's still around.

To answer your questions, Melody, I am working hard to show my remorse, my owning up to the situation, taking blame and accountability for my actions. We are practicing Radical Honesty, and I have cut off all contact/chances of contact with the OM. I think we both want to affair-proof our marriage, and I hope he believes my commitment to that. (I do NOT want to be that person again.)

I am also desperately trying to fix everything that was wrong before this, continue fixing myself (as medc said), and hopefully give my BH reason to take a second look.

We don't have a history of lying in our marriage - my only lies to him were during the affair, (duration: 2 months, told him 1.5 weeks after it ended). Prior to that, though, we had unknowingly started not meeting each others' ENs and draining our Love Banks, so I'm also trying to show him that's not what we'd be going back to.

Melody, I'm glad to hear things worked out for you and your husband. I know it's my husband's prerogative, and I have to respect whatever decision he makes - I just feel, in my heart of hearts, that we could make things even better than before.

BS, you most certainly can make things better than before. Why is he getting a divorce so quickly? Are you still living together?

If he is not sure which way he wants to go, then why the quick divorce?

Maybe other BS's have felt this way, but obtaining a legal divorce is something that helps my husband feel safe, protected. This way, it's not just talk that I'm not after his money, that he will be the residential parent for our son, etc. -- documents to those effect become much more real and enforceable upon legal divorce. They are also stronger than a post-nup, especially given that BH and I are still living together and trying to work on things. (The argument being if he and I are still living together, and get a divorce, say, five years from now, the case looks much different before a judge, and there are many more questions about why BH stuck around, all that may have changed or happened since we signed these documents now, etc.)

I was, (naturally, I think), averse to the idea, but feel that if this is something he needs to feel better mentally, and if obtaining a legal divorce will help him set some of these worries aside and just focus on us and trying to fix things, then okay.

Yeah... crazy as it sounds, I think things are already better than they were before in a lot of ways. I just want that chance to keep showing him that for the rest of our lives.

BS2008,

I was wondering why you say you are married in the religious sense but getting a divorce legally. I am an atheist but I thought that most religions recognized adultery as the only real reason for D. I was also wondering on what your plans are for yourself, it seems that you BH could legally just kick you out right after the D is final.

6yearsleft, you're right - and our religion condemns adultery w/ death. But religion/faith is important to us, (moreso now than ever in light of my actions over the summer), and maintaining a marriage religiously (but not legally) allows us to continue working on our marriage, living together, being a family, while the assets/wordly things are more taken care of with the legal divorce.

You're right, my BH could kick me to the curb...but I believe he won't do that. We've talked things over a lot, and he is a man of integrity, of character, of his word. He (and I) now know firsthand how important a good marriage and household are for raising children (also important religiously), and we want to seriously try for their sake. (I want to try for our sake, too. And I think he does as well, it's just harder for him to make the leap.)

We have not made any decisions (other than the legal divorce and the documents therein) regarding staying together or not - mostly it's taking it one day at a time and seeing what happens.

B_S,

I see a problem that will have to be really really thought about on your part. You said
So how does HE affair proof a marriage, given what he has already done? How does he ever have confidence you won't do this again or treat as you did before the affair, if he "gave, and gave, and gave."

What has to happen?

He did all he knew how to do, and you had an affair. so what are you going to change that will give him confidence in himself? You see it seems he did all he knew how to do and it was not enough.

It seems to me the issue is what is enough for you? What are your perspectives on marriage, fidelity, being a W, being someone that people can lean one and depend on?

You need to really really think about this.

God Bless,

JL

BS2008,

This is a little off topic but something you said made me confused.



You say you are devout in your religion, as is you husband, but you clearly do not believe that you should be stoned to death or something. I was also wondering if, after that adultery, you are indeed married in the eyes of your religion. I'm half jew, half catholic (I guess they cancelled out), but I think in the more traditional Jewish laws once the adultery is committed then the marriage is over and the married people don;t really have a say in that.

So in that context I'm just wondering what it means to be married religiously??

Are you finished with school?

How long is the plan for you to live together?

I like the legal divorce idea you mentioned, as it does seem to eliminate some of the doubt as to why you stay.
I don't think there is much you can do other than what you are doing.
You need to know that the vast majority of marriages touched by infidelity do not survive. It denatures the relationship beyond repair for most folks. The objective stats seem to converge on the 30% survival figure and, I would imagine, of those, a fair percentage may not be terribly happy.
Nevertheless, sounds like he has not figured out whether he is one of the few that can get past this. So, if you want to stay with him keep working on it.

BS, here is the problem with your H's strategy. What it will take to recover your marriage is a BUYERS committment to your marriage. It will take BOTH of you to do this. Your H is not committed at all, though. He has obtained a divorce and is going to test the waters, so to speak. He wants a RENTERS AGREEMENT.

It is that "testing" of the waters that will doom your marriage, because what it will take to save this is a committment to save the marriage. NOT a committment to "test" the relationship or protect himself legally.

check this out:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Your H is getting a divorce and is much more committed to protecting his legal interests than he is in saving his marriage. It is this lack of committment that will probably spell the death of your relationship.

I agree he has at least one foot out the door, but I think if that is the case then the death of the marriage is caused by the adultery, not his lack of commitment.

I just need to echo this comment from JL as I think he has hit the nail on the head. There is a MAJOR trust issue now. How do you see this being repaired? He is basically putting you on notice that ONE more slip and its over. Your marriage will never be the same as it was. So much has been damaged.

Does your religion believe in forgiveness, repentance, restitution and reconciliation? I see you are seeing a psychologist but is this really going to help? This is crossing the boundaries of a moral issue? What do your religious leaders say about this?

One thing that struck me about your post is you seem resigned to the outcome whatever that may be. It sounds like you are looking for mercy from your husband. It will be interesting to see how he responds. If you follow the Bible it would be interesting to hear how he responds after reading Hosea.

So what are you going to do to ensure this would never happen again?

I hope you find healing in your relationship.

Thanks for all the helpful responses. You all bring up very valid points, and there are so many facets to the situation that there are a neverending amount of those valid points!

Re: he gave and I did this to him... That is one of the biggest things I'm trying to work on. I think Melody's post re: freeloaders, renters, and buyers is applicable here -- I was certainly a freeloader. I was not a wife and was so convinced of the power of love/soulmates (and that, because of that, things would just work! We'd be happy! It was that we were together that was important!) that I didn't meet his ENs, didn't even know that what I was doing/the assumptions I had were not what "real wives" do/have. (All of this is looking back, I didn't realize any of it at the time.)

I also discovered how intrinsic are my independent behavior issues. (Grew up with a strongly independent single mom, very little affection shown at home, we all got on and took care of ourselves at the end of the day.) So when all this happened with the affair, and I didn't speak to my husband (or anyone, for a while) about it, I did more damage by falling into the "I have this problem, it's my problem, I have to figure it out and then fix things" thinking. I internalized my emotions, cut myself off, and treated my husband even worse (if you can imagine).

So now I know I have to show him -- that is not what he would be coming back to. I don't want to be that person, that freeloader, and I finally am understanding these elementary lessons about relationships, life, what's important. But, as you point out, JL, if he did all of that before and I still had an affair, how do we get past the trust issues now and show him that it's still worth it?

Melody, re: the divorce/my H's plan -- how can I not expect him to act like a renter, (if he's even an interested party at all?!), and not to feel like he has to protect himself? For obvious reasons my words and assurances mean very little right now, and his feelings may be so strong that no matter what actions I take now it may be too late anyway.

I don't mean this to sound like I'm whining or expect to have everything perfect because I decided to stop screwing up - I just am hoping there is, well, hope out there and advice for any ways my H and I can proceed...

B_S,

You asked how do you address the trust issue, one way is to change your perspective. This may come as a surprise to you, but happily married couples actually ENJOY doing things for their spouse. They actually ENJOY seeing them smile. They actually ENJOY doing something for them that relieves some of the stress of daily life.

I am not sure of your religious affiliation, but the concept of a couple becoming one has many deep meanings. One of which is "if my spouse is happy, then I am happy", "If my spouse is hurting then I am hurting", being one means that the other spouse does not gain at the expense of that spouse.

If you read the articles on this site you will read about the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. Harley couples this policy with the policy of radical honesty. His claim is that couples should use POJA for all decisions, no sacrifice should ever be made without the other persons full agreement. Sacrifice leads to resentment and that leads to trouble in a marriage. Win-win situations should be negotiated, and if a spouse has to make sacrifices to achieve a long term goal good for the couple, that spouse needs to be actively supported.

Do you see the synergism of this, the becoming one?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Absolutely. That's one of the elementary lessons I'm learning - things don't just work like magic because you fell in love and it was great. And it's not about marriage being the end goal for two people - it's about two people getting married, becoming one unit, and growing that way.

I think all of this has definitely put my head in the right place and me on the right track to the spouse I should have been (and hope to still be) - I do want to make my husband happy, I do want to ease his (and, thus, my) pain when he hurts. I enjoy being able to cook a meal for him that he likes, being able to make his life less stressful/easier.

The problem is that, not only did I not do this for most of our marriage, I was such an even worse person during the affair. We are getting our legal divorce today (in 1.5 hrs, actually) and my husband says "You had to have known this was the very probable consequence of your actions" -- and while on some level during the affair I identified this was a possibility, it's like I couldn't emotionally feel enough. Is anyone familiar with such extreme independence "coping" mechanisms?

Yeah...I guess there's no real fix for this, just hope - hard to have given today is (legal) D-day. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Sorry - I'll end with the downer post. Thanks again for all the replies and suggestions/insight so far.

B_S,

I know you've read what JL has posted to you, but even as your husband works to protect himself and your children legally, I still see a lot of hope for you and your H.


I would urge you though to keep reading and rereading what JL is telling you in particular. ML is also offering you some very useful information, though I'm not entirely sure I agree with her on the matter of whether the legal D is a good idea. I suppose though that he has the alternative of an Antenuptual agreement that could just as easily protect him and your children.

Honestly, if your H isn't willing to put in the hard.. heartwrenching work of recovering your marriage, I can't blame him. I know you are remourseful.. and I know a handful of guys here on the board who wish they had the opportunity you are giving your husband.. but you really must come to an understanding that even several months out, this must feel to him as if you've shot him in the knees, and then asked him to stand.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing IMO that you can do, is to respect your husband.. and SHOW that respect to him daily. You read different places that women typically need to feel loved, wanted, valued.. but men.. typically most need to feel respected, honored, and admired. These are difficult feelings for a wayward spouse to invoke in the betrayed, but you CAN do it.

Take every extraordinary precaution to safeguard your marriage from even the appearance of a repeat offense. Be COMPLETELY and voluntarily transparent about EVERYTHING. Harley calls it RADICAL HONESTY for a reason.

But here's the other side of that coin.. and where I think ML is headed. Yes.. you did your husband and your family wrong.. but that DOES NOT give him license to treat you poorly if he is going to stay with you. Yes it affects how the two of you will see eachother forever after.. but it does NOT change his responsibilities to love, honor, cherish you.. to treat you as a husband should treat his wife, IF he should decide to stay with you and try.

I'll keep you both, and your children in my prayers..

PS.. if you can, see if your religious leaders have any sort of couples counseling that focuses on restoring hurting marriages. I know the Catholic church has Retrovaille weekend retreats that have done wonders for some.. and you don't necessarily have to be Catholic to attend.

That's not to mention the Harley weekends either.. just some suggestions.