Yes. second time around.

First time he cheated on me was 5 years ago. I was sure it was over. With a local married woman. Everyone knew. Just found proof that they are at it again. It has been maybe a year. They are sneaking around having sex. She is in love. He is most likely using her for sex. I have copies of all of the emails between them.

He will not go to counseling nor will he admit anything. He can do no wrong.

Tell her husband? Can I save this?

Tell her H. He deserves to know. About this and the previous A that involved your WH and his WW.

How to save this? The question is... do you REALLY want to save this?

Exposure is good. But, as mentioned above, take your time and think about whether this is worth saving.

Hello,
I am new to this but I would have to agree with the others you might want to expose them because I am very sure the other party have no clue about the first time let alone the second.

The other woman's husband does know about the first time.

I feel so violated yet again. When Husband cheated on me before, he was horribly mean to me. He has been so nice to me this time around. I never suspected a thing.

That just means that he's learned to hide it better.

Make sure to let the OW's BH know. He's another victim of this.

Thank you for the responses. I told him that I had proof. He said I was crazy and believing lies. I told him he until yesterday to make a decision, and I have not heard a peep from him. But he is around, just no verbal communication. I have seen no further communication between them, but I am SURE their phones have been hot to the touch. They must just be on to me with the emaail snooping.

Husband does not even seem nervous. Not one bit. He is the sort who gets defiant and will look for a reason to "get me first". Well, he won't find one.

Also, I have left two messages for OWH, he has not responded. THat is unuasual.

tempered, Sorry that you are having to go through this a second time

It is probable that the OW is practicing damage control and telling her BH that you are simply "having trouble in your marriage" and that nothing is going on and you are simply looking for someone to blame the failure of your marriage on.

Don't let the OW get away with this. Find a way to get in contact with her BH in any way possible and show him those e-mails without delay. Anything not accompanied with proof will be discarded by her BH as he is trying desperately to believe he has a marriage left....

Her BH is an important part of saving your marriage (if there is still a marriage in your mind worth saving). You will have to look very carefully if this is an abberant part of your husband's behaviour or is this simply continuing an outward expression of his disrespect and lack of value toward your marriage.

God bless.

Jim

Thank you, Jim.

He is suspicious that I have emails. He is still flatly denying. I did find out that OWH has been out of town and due back tomorrow.

Husband says if he finds out I have been in his email, or pass any along, he will "throw me in jail".

Funny, why is he so worried, if he's done nothing?

But, can he?

Amazing, isn't is?!! The depth of his deceit and disrespect, to so blatantly make YOU the criminal: "Throw you in jail!" Looks like you have that tiger by the tail and he ISN't as cool, calm and collected as he's trying to pretend to be.

My main concern, as a jr. member on this site, is for your physical safety, Tempered. Has he been physically abusive EVER in the past? If he has ANY abusive tendencies or abusive history it is absolutely paramount that you protect yourself. When I was worried about my WH taking out his rage on me, I made sure I let my family know that I was concerned about my safety. I also made sure I documented my concerns via the Abuse Hotline and via written statement. Then BEFORE I confronted my WH on some of his suspicious behavior, I let him know that I had taken measures to make others aware of my concern for physical saftey and that if anything happened to me, the police would be coming after HIM! It was amazing how that kept him from reacting in his usual raging way!

Please take precautions, Tempered.

I don't see how he can when he's the one that gave you his password and challenged you to read his emails and anything else you wanted to read when you confrontred him about whether he had resumed his affair.

Just becuase HE didn't think you'd follow through doesn't make his consent any less real.

What a bugger it is too...he gives you his consent and then threatens to have you put in jail. That's entrapment.

I'm an attorney...trust me...no cop or prosecutor wants to get involved in domestic "he said...she said" cases. As long as you don't confess to snooping (which you are under no legal compulsion to confess), they won't prosecute you for anything.

Finally...your husband has no right to threaten to "throw you in jail". Only cops and judges "throw people in jail". You MAY have a claim for extortion, as he's threatening legal process against you in an effort to abridge your first amendment rights to communicate such information about his affair (that he gave you consensually) with whomever you want.


Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Waywards threaten but RARELY, if ever, follow through as affairs thrive in secrecy. He wants merely to manipulate you keeping secrets. The last thing waywards want is a court case over the issue. To have to stand up in OPEN court and face YOU, OW's BH, a judge, a jury and an audience would be so uncomfortable for HIM and his OW. He obviously hasn't thought this through. Next time he threatens...hand him the phone and offer to dial 911 while reminding him about how you'd love to see him wiggle on this in OPEN COURT. He'll back down quick and likely never threaten again...he only makes threats if he thinks he can manipulate you.

As far as saving your marriage.

That is your choice.

Do you have kids???

If not...I would NOT recommend recovery UNLESS you both could move FAR AWAY from this OW.

If moving isn't an option...recovery and rebuilding trust with OW in the same town would be difficult, at best.

Mr. Wondering

We do have kids. Two teenagers, who knew everything the first time around because he and OW never really tried to hide it.

I wasn't going to tell them the lates, but they figured it out, so I was honest.

Husband is FLAMING mad because I involved the kids. I have never seen him this mad.

Thank you Mr. Wondering for your advice. I cannot tell you how grateful I am.

Most here will tell you that 2 affairs means the guy is a serial cheater and should be tossed; however, in this situation, it is more a continuation of a SINGLE affair which was never properly recovered from than a serial situation. See in this situation you CAN recover and move far away from this OW and establish NC and maybe trust your marriage is recovering...whereas with a TRUE serial cheater it doesn't matter where you move because the WH will just find some other OW.

Not that that makes it better or easier to recover from...but, you MAY have a shot, IF you follow Dr. Harley's professionally recommended rules for recovery and rebuilding a marriage of extra-ordinary care.

First things first...you've got to bust up the affair before there is any shot. Do the exposure thing. Get it all out there as quickly as possible. Then go from there.

IS MOVING A POSSIBILITY AT ALL? If not...maybe OW and her husband will move. If neither of you move I don't see how you could ever feel safe again and would recommend moving towards Plan D...to demonstrate your seriousness and MAYBE...JUST MAYBE...wake up WH such that he'd THEN be willing to move away with you.

Mr. Wondering

Gather up a list of people to tell. Those who will make the most fuss with both of them. That includes his parents, your parents, her parents, her H, anyone else who has influence on them. Call up all these people on the same day, so they won't be expecting it and can't call ahead of you for damage control. Expect him to be mad.

You didn't answer. Do you think he would get violent? If so, call the authorities ahead of time and consider changing the locks and 'letting' him leave the home.

I don't fear violence, but I have never seen him this angry.

He's like a mad man. Threatening me with everything. I think he finally knows that this small town isn't going to overlook a second time. But with people nowadays, who knows.

He is so angry that I told the kids. They asked. I was honest. No graphic details. He says that I had no right to involve them.

Oddly, I am not getting a return call from OWH. I called 2x last Tuesday on his cell and once on his work phone last Thursday. I found out he was out of town, but wouldn't he at least get the work one today?

How many times do I try and call him? he has ALWSAYS returned my call before.

Hi tempered! You are doing great and getting excellent advice.Just remember as they say you are in a marathon not a sprint so hang in there!!!

Exposure was and is the key to saving your marriage as even though your WH is angry in time he will get over it. YOUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT SURVIVE AN ONGOING AFFAIR!!! Your exposure particularly to the kids was so important. The fantasy is being shattered right before their eyes as EVERYWHERE the two of them turn people are now aware of what they are doing.

They no longer have a private little fantasy betwen just the two of them. The other thing you have done is explode the idea that he can just delete you and insert the OW into his life and family.

I strongly believe the reason you are not able to contact her BH is because the OW is spinning the exposure to him as "she's just crazy and having problems in her marriage". The important thing is that her BH KNOWS and even though he may not talk to you HE KNOWS and it will be uncomfortable for her at home and he will also be watching her. One thing you may want to try is calling from a friend's cell phone that will not show up on caller ID.

Remember the "carrot and the stick" approach with your Plan A and make sure your husband knows the family still loves him and that you want a life with all of you as a family but you will NEVER accept the OW into your life or children's lives.

Jim

He has spoken a word to me since screaming something that I couldn't even understand three days ago.

I suppose that I have been living my life in plan A since the last go around about 4 years ago. It seems as if my reaction has been to almost plan B him.

Am I wrong?

I cannot very well be very loving to him right now when he hates me, can I? HE'S the one who's done wrong...do I have to grovel?

Tempered, Take a really deep breath and listen to what I am going to tell you...

The reason he is angry is because your plan is working and he no longer is getting to have his cake and eat it too.

If his plan was to go to the other woman he would have already have done so and she would be getting a divorce also. If he was being NICE that would be a very bad sign that NOTHING had changed in his world. Well, it has hasn't it????

In answer to your question, YES you can be loving to him even though he doesn't show it!!! How many addicts do you think say thank you when they are going through detox which is exactly what he is starting to feel!!! Continue showing him kindness and love even though it isn't returned YET...

Hold off on the affair talk for a while until his head begins to clear. It's not groveling to save your marriage and you and your kid's sanity.

Remember this is a marathon not a sprint and you are barely out of the starting blocks.

God bless.

Jim

Oh thank you Jim and everyone.

Can I get someone to call her husband? Or is it possible he never got ANY of the three messages that I left last week?

Over the years, he has always called me back.

Husband here seems to be staying away and when he is home, he just has a "sit in the corner" mentality.