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I'm the one who cheated. I fell in love with a man I work with, his marriage for the last 4 years has been anything but pleasurable. My marriage was great until July my husband got caught up in bills and money and tryng to fix everything himself. In all of this he pushed me away. So with the feelings of resentment, I turned to the otherman. He was there for me where my own husband wasn't. I have totally intended on ending our marriage as I wouldn't want to hurt him. I have tried to get him to move out, he has refused. So my affair has gone on for a couple of months now. At first we were nothing more then mere friends, but with time we have fallen in love with each other, we spend time together when we can, depending on (When we can escape from our families). But I do truly love my husband and the other man. So Saturday night I went out. started drinking my affair man was there we were all having a good time. We had a few friends from work there. Nothing to high profile until the end of the night. So we danced slow, he made it quite clear to anyone that was close enough to hear that he professed his love to me. So me not getting home to Odark thirty in the morning threw some pretty major red flags up to my husband. So he wanted to know, I told him everything minus a few things. A girl that used to work where we do, went and called his wife and my husband. Telling them that we were making out in the bar like newlyweds. So his wife calls my boss, his boss and proceeds to tell them what has happened. Mean while he and I are now trying to figure out what just happened. I am so confused, I love my husband, I love my affair man.The both give me what I think I need. I am a very high sexual drive person. Intimacy is very important to me. So what do I do now?

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Call OM's WIFE and apologize to her.

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You're the one who is cheating...your BH, your marriage and yourself.

You created resentment for your BH in July, built it into entitlement and chose adultery.

Choosing resentment, choosing adultery...sounds like you aren't there for yourself...so any other person is like plug-n-play. Fills you up...'cuz you're empty.

Won't ever end...others don't fill us because we aren't empty. You're responsible for you...you have actively lied to your BH every day that your A was in your head.

You fell in love because you chose to dwell on your resentment and thoughts of the OM.

You attacked your marriage and his. You assaulted your BH and OMW. Because you had a good marriage up until your BH got stressed out for a couple of months?

You don't know OM's marriage was bad for four years...you know that's what he thinks right now.

What he will do with you, he'll do to you. He'll replace you with another...he will lie to you, and when you don't keep him happy every minute, he'll look elsewhere...because he'll resent you, justify replacing you...and won't call it cheating.

And your real husband, the betrayed one, is facing you doing that to him, time and time again, if he chooses to work on recovery.

And he may not. You may be divorced shortly and your OM may go back to his real wife and family.

You aren't having real intimacy with OM...you don't know him. His BW does. You used to know your BH, until you chose to stop. Your sex drive isn't high...your emptiness is.

Please stop doing harm and listen to the inner voice that keeps telling you that you are crap, needy, not whole...and not responsible.

It's a lie.

LA

Last edited by LovingAnyway; 12/23/08 01:15 PM. Reason: Conjugation left my brain building
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Originally Posted by LovingAnyway
Your sex drive isn't high...your emptiness is.

BINGO !

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My marriage was great until July my husband got caught up in bills and money and tryng to fix everything himself.
Sounds like a horrible guy.
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I turned to the otherman. He was there for me where my own husband wasn't.
Where was...oh that's right, he was off trying to mend marital finances during a recession.
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A girl that used to work where we do, went and called his wife and my husband. Telling them that we were making out in the bar like newlyweds.
Good for her. I find it puke that you not only carried out your affair in public but in the face of people you know and work with.
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I have tried to get him to move out, he has refused.
Good for him. If anyone moves out, it should be you.
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So what do I do now?
Remove head from posterior orifice, dump OM, plead with H not to physically deposit you on the curb, have no contact with OM, get a new job away from OM, read articles on this website...good stuff. Refer your betrayed H to this website.


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Originally Posted by katbthatis
his marriage for the last 4 years has been anything but pleasurable
You've only got his word for that and his word isn't likely to be reliable given that a romp in the hay is in the offing.

"So with the feelings of resentment"
Rather than support him, you turned to another man?

"my husband got caught up in bills and money and tryng to fix everything himself. In all of this he pushed me away".
That's a lame excuse.
You can do better than that!

"I wouldn't want to hurt him"
Too late

"But I do truly love my husband and the other man"
Sorry, no can do.
You can't have both.
You have to choose.
Pick carefully.
One is a loyal, faithful husband and the other has a proven tendency to cheat on his partner. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


"So what do I do now? "
Crawl back to your husband and pray for all you're worth that he sees fit to take you back.
Admit your guilt.
Change jobs.
Go cold turkey on the affair man. NEVER see him again.
Hope against all hope that your husband is a forgiving man and that in time, IF you're lucky, IF you're very, very lucky, he will be able to forgive you, hopefully.


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Odark thirty in the morning

What does odark thirty mean? I've never heard that before, or is it a typo.

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What does odark thirty mean?

I think she refers to the wee hours of the morning, when it's no longer yesterday and it's not yet today and when all good children (or bad WS's) should be snug in their beds.

I have more often heard this referred to as O early thirty.


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Originally Posted by katbthatis
, his boss and proceeds to tell them what has happened. Mean while he and I are now trying to figure out what just happened. I am so confused, I love my husband, I love my affair man.The both give me what I think I need. I am a very high sexual drive person. Intimacy is very important to me. So what do I do now?

You should dump your affair partner, because there is no future with him. Affairs never last because they are based on deceit and selfishness. Not to mention the fact that you are both cheaters, so you will both cheat again. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years and the 5% that make it to marriage, 80% of those end in divorce.

Just imagine a future where you couldn't even show your face at the OM's mothers because she wont' allow you to darken her doorstep? You can't be around his children because you would be eternally hated as the OTHER WOMAN who destroyed their family. You will be reviled by many decent people.

And let me assure you that the feelings you have for him now will not last long. As soon as he cheats on you and treats you as crappy as he does his own wife, your feelings will be gone.

On the other hand, there is future with your H. With some help you can have the same feelings for him and he is not a liar or a cheater and his family won't treat you as a pariah.

I don't think your children would have much respect for you if you busted up their family so could get laid by some scumbag, do you? I betcha they would have no respect for that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by ba109
Quote
What does odark thirty mean?

I think she refers to the wee hours of the morning, when it's no longer yesterday and it's not yet today and when all good children (or bad WS's) should be snug in their beds.

I have more often heard this referred to as O early thirty.

Oh, okay, Ba. LOL The wrong side of midnight.

Too ashamed to say one arrived home at 5:30 in the morning, but not too ashamed to actually do it.

Waywards must have mucho energy to manage all those wee hours. I can't even stay up past 10 pm anymore.

Have a very, merry Christmas Ba109! :MerryChristmas:

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Odark thirty,

Means it is very early in the morning and I am too drunk to read a watch. But, I KNOW it is way past my bedtime. smile Old saying, heard it alot in the military.

JL

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odark thirty

That's what time my alarm goes off...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Welcome to MB catbthatis,

I just could not resist posting to you. You asked what to do. You have been given some good advice. Now let give you great advice. You stated
Quote
A girl that used to work where we do, went and called his wife and my husband. Telling them that we were making out in the bar like newlyweds. So his wife calls my boss, his boss and proceeds to tell them what has happened. Mean while he and I are now trying to figure out what just happened.

You expected to flaunt your affair in front of your co-workers and have none of it get back to the bosses??? You expected that your bosses would be alright with this???? That your H would be alright with this??? That his W would be alright with this????

And then you and your lover are "trying to figure out what just happened"??????

So now to the GREAT advice. STOP, reengage your brain, consider your morals, and then realize that you indeed have had a cranial transplant that has blinded you so, that the behavior described above seemed like a good plan. Never mind the affair for the moment. Can you name any other likely outcome based on what your and OM did in front of everyone??? This should be a clue that what you think and feel right now, has no basis in reality.

It is time for you to step back and evaluate who you are, what you are, and what kind of person you are. It is time for you to consider if you would approve your any children you might have or will have doing what you have done. In short it is time for you to realize that what you have done is the equivalent of a male "thinking with his small head instead of his large one". I don't know where your other head is located but I have a few ideas.

Do yourself a huge favor and stop. Look at your actions, your confusion, and realize that you acting like a drug addict looking for her next fix. With time and some introspection, you will begin to see things differently. If it finally dawns on you that having an affair is really dumb and rubbing it in everyone's faces was dumber yet, the folks here can help you rebuild your marriage assuming your H decides to even try.

Please STOP and THINK about what you have told us and what it means about your thinking.

God Bless,

JL

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Welcome. I haven't seen many posts where the WS (wayward spouse) is posting for helping figuring things out - while still on the WRONG side of the affair. It is, however, a GOOD thing that you posted here.

You've been given good advice so far. JustLearning gave you some great advice. My advice: spend some time perusing the topics on this board. See how your situation is NOT unique. See how much damage you are doing - to yourself, your BH (betrayed husband), family, friends, life. You will see countless BS's on here whose stories, experiences, and advice will hopefully help you really "get it" - and then start fixing it.

I don't know if you posted wanting permission to proceed with your morally wrong, hurtful, and hateful affair - if that's what you were looking for, you won't find it here. You will instead get heavy doses of reality that, even if you don't think apply to you now, you will need and appreciate eventually.

Oh, and one more thing -- you'll notice that the advice you're getting in response to your post comes from a range of people, some BS's, some FWS's (former WS). You'll get the total picture and see that, no matter how you look at this, your affair IS NOT RIGHT OR OKAY. Forget about the affair and fix your marriage.


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
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It is time for you to step back and evaluate who you are, what you are, and what kind of person you are.

Catbthatis,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have arrived at a site where you will discover what marriage really is and how love is preserved and grown between husband and wife. You are at the ultimate relationship site, there is no better place. You will find how logic and reason can guide you through the pitfalls that so many married couples make, namely infidelity.

No one here will underwrite your affair activity. I presume that you already know that and you are here because you want to evaluate your current footing. That is sure easy enough to do. The information that will lead you to resolve your current issues will be forthcoming like a flood, hang on to your hat.

Remember this, no matter how much you love this other man, the cruelty that you are delivering to your husband can never be justified. Additionally, you are party to destroying another family and your fall from grace grows deeper.

Do you have the courage to stick around and read of the truth of your betrayal? If you do you will be rewarded with riches that will last you a lifetime. But rest assured that you will fall deeper than you ever imagined as the road back is not an easy one. However, once you start; once you commit you will succeed. How that success will look in the end will depend on many things that are currently hidden from your view.

Are you ready?

Mr. G


"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows," Bob Dylan
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Originally Posted by katbthatis
I'm the one who cheated. I fell in love with a man I work with, his marriage for the last 4 years has been anything but pleasurable. My marriage was great until July my husband got caught up in bills and money and tryng to fix everything himself. In all of this he pushed me away. So with the feelings of resentment, I turned to the otherman. He was there for me where my own husband wasn't. I have totally intended on ending our marriage as I wouldn't want to hurt him. I have tried to get him to move out, he has refused. So my affair has gone on for a couple of months now. At first we were nothing more then mere friends, but with time we have fallen in love with each other, we spend time together when we can, depending on (When we can escape from our families). But I do truly love my husband and the other man. So Saturday night I went out. started drinking my affair man was there we were all having a good time. We had a few friends from work there. Nothing to high profile until the end of the night. So we danced slow, he made it quite clear to anyone that was close enough to hear that he professed his love to me. So me not getting home to Odark thirty in the morning threw some pretty major red flags up to my husband. So he wanted to know, I told him everything minus a few things. A girl that used to work where we do, went and called his wife and my husband. Telling them that we were making out in the bar like newlyweds. So his wife calls my boss, his boss and proceeds to tell them what has happened. Mean while he and I are now trying to figure out what just happened. I am so confused, I love my husband, I love my affair man.The both give me what I think I need. I am a very high sexual drive person. Intimacy is very important to me. So what do I do now?


I don't believe this is a real post.

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So his wife calls my boss, his boss and proceeds to tell them what has happened.

My kind of lady.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Thanks for the brutal honesty. Was I looking for a answer to fix my problem no. Was I looking for you to tell me it was okay no. What I wanted was a way to look at this from the outside. My husband gave the site information. So for to say that my affair was okay was not my intentions. I know that my affair was not fair nor just to anyone. I'm not a druggy or a junkie. I was looking for advise and help with my situation. Am I happy about any of this NO. Was I purposely flaunting my affair. NO. I know their are no excuses for what happened. Nor do I expect that in the long run anything will come of my marriage or the one that I just made stronger for him and his wife. She called me today, we talked she wanted to know what we did that she didn't.Instead of taking the easy way out I told her the truth. He was tired of becoming second best to a computer game (World of Warcraft). She thanked me for the advise and she hung up.
So with that. Thanks

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...or the one that I just made stronger for him and his wife.

You're just a little marriage builder aren'tcha? :RollieEyes:


ba109
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Originally Posted by katbthatis
Nor do I expect that in the long run anything will come of my marriage or the one that I just made stronger for him and his wife. She called me today, we talked she wanted to know what we did that she didn't.


Adultery does not "make marriages stronger," dear. It destroys marriages. We see the debris all over this forum every day. If their marriage is stronger it won't be because of you, it will be due to their OWN efforts DESPITE your sleazy affair.

What you and the OM did that she didn't was climb in the pig pen and waller around. There is nothing pretty or valuable about that. Keep in mind that he is with her, not you. Her H will reach a point after he gets his senses back where he will curl his lip in disgust and revulsion when he hears your name.

Now, if you want to work on saving your marriage, we can help you do that. But what we won't do is help you romanticize a waller in the pig pen.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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