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#2166224 12/01/08 11:47 AM
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I have been a lurker since about december 07. YOu all have helped me soooo muuuch.when I feel overwhelmed i go on mb to get my head straight again.

I have been with my husband since 1990. Married since 1996. Most of my life I remember being depressed but it would be a kind of up and down thing.I would always snap out of it. I drank a lot.Me and my H were happy. I wasnt a drunk, it just seemed to make me even out. My H didnt even know i drank so much.

IN 2000 after 2 yrs of trying I found out I was pregnant and immediately stopped drinking and started eating. which did not even out my moods. I had a colicky baby depression and post partum {my drs tell me now, at the time I didnt know what was goin on}. I never completely came out again. when my son was 6mos drs found a tumor in my chest next to my heart. I basicly had to have my chest cracked and a tumor the size of a fist was removed. my H stayed home and it took me about 6mos before I could pick him up again.

By the time my son was two I think the post partum went away but I was still depressed. I basiclly just took care of my son the best I could. I didnt go out. I stayed in bed. I barely showered.

I was in now what I describe as a coma. Just focusing on my son. Yeah, me and my H werent having too much sex. I was a mess.
and all my H noticed was that we werent having enough sex. so when my son was four he begged a coworker to have sex with him.He worked with her since my son was born. I guess they fell in love. He said he talked to her about me and she told him maybe I was a lesbian. NOt maybe something is wrong she needs help. she knew he was married with a son.

Well any way one day I saw on the computer a screen aol instant message with the screen name. and eventually by phone records and such found out her name. I confronted my H and He said "Yeah I have been cheatin on you for two years what took you so long to find out" and "I dont love you anymore I love someone else". Devestating.

He said we werent having too much sex and he found some one else. He didnt know I was depressed. He just thought I changed and got lazy. I had a breakdown. Begged for another chance cried and cried and cried. He gave ME another chance. said he wouldnt talk to her broke up w her and said to me "are you happy i just lost the best thing that ever happened to me" HE made appointments and drove me to them to seek counseling for me. something he should have done a long time ago.

THen one day i called her on the phone and told her to stop talking to him we were trying to work things out. She said she wasnt talking to him. I hung up then she immediately texted my H and said I called swearing and threatening her. My H was pissed He said that now she was mad at him. I said I didnt swear or threaten. He said he didnt beleive me and I ruined my chance with him. Well long story short I tried to commit suicide
that day. I woke up in the Hosp with him there sayin"JUst tell them I love some else, tell them I dont love you anymore". Well he stayed until I was done with in and outpatient counseling.

Ofcourse snuck out in the middle of the night and I was devestated. He said he missed her. He said he would move down in our basement so he could live w our son but come and go as he pleased. I couldnt handle that. He said "why you have been living with this for two years" Yea i didnt know you were cheating every friday night he was going out w his "friends".I was happy he was getting out.I didnt realize what he was doing.

I then told him to leave or me and my son would. He left and moved into his bros. empty condo down the street.

So I have been basically a basket case ever since.eating more and more and more. I feel my life is basically over. I just give my son the best life I can. He is why I am still on this earth today.

Last edited by stillhere8126; 12/01/08 11:53 AM.

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I hope that you have stopped drinking completely and are getting meds or counseling for the depression.

I think you must work on your own problems before you attempt to fix your marriage.

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Thanks believer.

Yes I havent drank in eight years. I just feel like I could never stop at one and my son is the most important thing to me.

I am on meds and I do feel a huge difference. But it is hard to tell how good the meds are working because Of what happened with H; I naturally have depression from that. I am still having an extremely hard time wrappin my head around this.

I felt depressed and worthless before and I feel now my H confirmed that I was just trash to be thrown away.

HE has told me he never wants to be with me again. so I just have to find a way to accept it. which I dont know how long that will take. I am in Plan b since he moved out in April.

He wanted the whole family thing, you know family functions, dinner together but to just sleep at the condo and still see her.YOu know "friends". which I think I would have done If I didnt find MB.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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He actually told me he is too young to have to deal with a "sick" person. MY doctor told me what I have is perfectly treatable with meds and therapy. But I just have to get over the hump of being dumped by the man I love most in this world.{well except for my little man, myDS}

Our mutual friends said when I started not to go places with my H and w/ them. they told my Hubby that Maybe I need some kind of help. but he kept telling them I was fine.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I did all of the exposing to everyone in dec. All of our friends and his family think what he did was rotten. they are all supporting me. so basically at least as of now he doesnt hang around here with her. she lives w her mother and her son about an hour from my home. I just dont know how i would handle seeing them together.

My MIL has been an enourmous support for me and I for her. Her H {my FIL} passed away in April. Another blow to me since I have never had to deal with a death so close to me. I had known him for 18 Years.

So she and I are both alone and support each other.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Quote
I woke up in the Hosp with him there sayin"JUst tell them I love some else, tell them I dont love you anymore".

Dump him and protect your son from his POS father. Get some help for yourself.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I am getting help now. and just for the record I never attempted suicide before this. I just felt at the time I could not deal with the future. I was overwhelmed and needed the excruciating pain to go away.

I felt that my son would be better of without a "sick" mother to quote my H. but before I passed out I got a vision of my son goin to school tellin everyone his mom was dead. I could not do that to him. I would just be dumping my pain on him. so I ran for help and passed out right then and there. the doctor said I would have died if I had not gotten help.

I am so grateful I am here for my son. I know now that I am a good mom and that he needs me more than ever.

He has a selfish [censored] for a father.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Affairs almost always end. But put most of your effort into making a good life for you and your son.

Can you support yourself financially? Are your finances protected?

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And I just want to thank you all so much for taking time to post. You cant even imagine how much you have all helped me.

things that my WH said to me made me think that I was going crazy.

Like that he never loved me(I have beautiful cards from him up until six years ago)He said he doesnt think they were from him. I tricked him into marrying me(we dated for six years).he hasnt been happy since my son was born, then since we got married then He doesnt remember ever being happy with me. We didnt have sex on our honeymoon. I tricked him into having my son. He always wanted a family. I gave him no other choice but to cheat. I changed him into a cheater. I was in the same crappy marriage, no sex no attention. I had opportunities to cheat but I loved my H I could never have done that to him. I just concentrated on my son and he concentrated on himself.He said that its sad that I am making my son chose sides by setting up times he is w his dad and times he spends with me. H did that.

I mean these things killed me and the way i was feeling i beleived them and thought maybe I was delusional. I felt who would ever want to be with me. I am such a horrible person.
but knowing that other WH have skewed the past made me realize what he was doing. he has to justify what he has done. HE is delusional.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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As of right now he just left everything. His check is direct deposited and I pay the bills. He said he doesnt want a divorce because of the money it will cost. He wants his son to stay in our house with me. He wants it to stay like this. HIs mother told me not to divorce him and keep letting him pay for everything and if he wants it let him initiate it. but its always in the back of my mind that I will get broadsided again.I am just not strong enough for all this right now.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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I do have a question about christmas. my son has been asking me if his dad will be here when he opens his presents in the morning. I mean I dont know if i can handle WH here. what do I do?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
And I just want to thank you all so much for taking time to post. You cant even imagine how much you have all helped me.

things that my WH said to me made me think that I was going crazy.

Like that he never loved me(I have beautiful cards from him up until six years ago)He said he doesnt think they were from him. I tricked him into marrying me(we dated for six years).he hasnt been happy since my son was born, then since we got married then He doesnt remember ever being happy with me. We didnt have sex on our honeymoon. I tricked him into having my son. He always wanted a family. I gave him no other choice but to cheat. I changed him into a cheater. I was in the same crappy marriage, no sex no attention. I had opportunities to cheat but I loved my H I could never have done that to him. I just concentrated on my son and he concentrated on himself.He said that its sad that I am making my son chose sides by setting up times he is w his dad and times he spends with me. H did that.

I mean these things killed me and the way i was feeling i beleived them and thought maybe I was delusional. I felt who would ever want to be with me. I am such a horrible person.
but knowing that other WH have skewed the past made me realize what he was doing. he has to justify what he has done. HE is delusional.

Sounds like he was gaslighting you pretty badly. Don't even think about all of that hogwash.

He is taking care of the bills now but you should probably start squirreling some money away, if you haven't already. Just to be on the safe side.

Have you talked to an attorney?

Charlotte

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havent talked to an atty yet. should I?


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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If hubby doesn't want a divorce, then don't start divorce procedures.

Sounds like he WAS gaslighting you. That is very common.

I suggest working on getting stronger, and let him continue paying for everything, especially if a financial agreement would give you less.

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Originally Posted by stillhere8126
havent talked to an atty yet. should I?

You should talk to an attorney and see what your options are in case you need protection for your finances. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to file for divorce.

Charlotte

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I just wanted to go a little more in depth w my story. I keep reading about plan A and how hard it is for the BS. I just wanted to show how much worse it is when u just let it all out.

The four mos. before i found MB were sheer Hell. THe day I found out I was in a daze and begged my WH to give me another chance, since he convinced me the reason for his A was all the stuff I didnt do. He reluctently said he would. No NC established so I assumed he stopped talking to her.
Things were going Ok Pretending that nothing happened. No A talk. We spent more time together, talked Etc. I initiated sex he didnt want it. This made me feel horrible. There was a very short amount of time before he decided this wasnt working. There was nothing to save. It was too late.
Now I begged him to stay. I said he could keep seeing her and stay home. Please I need you, Dont leave me. I was desperate not to lose him altogether. He said OK. Then one of many times He was out with OW I lost it. I called him sobbing telling him to come home now I am going to have a nervous breakdown, I cant deal with knowing he was out w OW. He came home two hours later. I went to a hotel for two days and I am not exaggerating (sp) i cried the whole time. sobbed and sobbed. I thought about killin myself. came home to him still seeing OW. I sobbed constantly, didnt eat, I drove my son to school crying and picked him up crying.

Until now I begged my WH not to tell anyone because i was embarrassed, he agreed (i thought for me, but now i know WH want the secrecy). but now I called his mother and told her her son had been seeing OW for two years and doesnt want to be w me anymore. she was stunned. all this time WH father was gravely ill and we didnt know how much longer he would be with us. His mom and dad begged him to fix his family and leave OW. I cried constantly and he consoled me occasionally saying "I am so sorry I never meant to fall in love with her" I am now so sick of hearing this, I heard it sooo much. that was his favorite apology.

Well now after about 2 mos. of my sobbing constantly and him still seeing OW. He came home one day and said "are you happy I broke up with her, you ruined the best thing that ever happened to me". "Ill just stay here and be miserable with you." I was okay with that. He took me to a shrink, He drove me, made appts. I was crying in the waiting room of the drs. office. I was crying in the drs. office. I didnt know how to stop. and he made sure every time that he told me "You dont really love me, you just think that you do. just make sure you tell the dr. that". I was put on medication.

Then one day I found out he texted her. I confronted him, He said he missed her. He said that was the only time he contacted her. Then he worked OT one night and I didnt believe him. The next day I called her from his cellphone and she answered "Hey how you doin, miss you" I just said Why are you answering WH phonecalls if you are not talking to eachother. I said we are trying to work on our M please stop talking to him. she said she knew that and wasnt talking to him. I said how could you do this to another woman with a son. she said he told me this and this etc. was wrong in your marriage. and that you didnt care the marriage was already over. so I told her he lied to us both. and that was it. Hung up.

She immediatly called my husband and told him i called her yelling and swearing(lies) and she was pi**ed. He said to me "thats it i am done, you dont trust me and you should have never called her. Now shes mad at me. YOu ruined your chance with me." (why would he care if he wasnt seeing or talking to OW.)I told him that we justed talked there was no yelling involved she shouldnt be mad. He said I was a liar...That was it for me. He believed OW over me that he has known for 18 Yrs. Me his wife. I was devastated. I ran out to my car to just get away. I was like a crazywoman. He wouldnt let me go, He said He wouldnt let me drive while I was acting crazy.

He called his parents. His poor sick dad came and said son you need to fix this this is your family, stop your affair and take care of your wife. I heard him telling his mother "thats it she ruined any chance of us being together, I dont need her". Well that was the point in my mind that i said to myself "im done, I cant deal with this pain, Its too much. I cant deal with being an outsider in my own marriage." I calmed down and his parents left. He left without sayin a word. Then I left with every intention to kill myself. I had a foolproof plan (I wont go into details now.)

any way at the last minute when I felt myself going. I ran and found someon and told them to call 911. I couldnt do this to my son. I passed out. I woke up in the hosp. with WH saying "tell them I dont love you anymore, tell them I love someone else" (I found out later he said this because he didnt want the drs. to think i was crazy and that there was a reason i tried to kill myself, thoughtful huh). Well anyway 3 days later i was forced to go to the PSYCH. ward for a week. THe only things i remember is being strip searched and my mom, me ,DR and WH at a meeting. My husband told my mother he met someone else and wasnt sure if he wanted to be w me anymore. This was the first my mom had heard of all this.

Then I got home and had to go to outpatient care. My husband was very supportive and nice. I took this as he was staying w me (I was in denial, wishful thinking). At the end my two weeks of outpatient WH announced that he was going to move downstairs so he could help me and see OW. I told him I needed him so bad to help me thru this could he just lay off her (no pun intended) for a few months until im stronger. He said okay.

At this point for some reason he decided to have sex w me. I was so happy. I found MB. Plan A. I felt like i was winning him back. then a few weeks later he said he was going to move downstairs, he said he didnt love me anymore. I just already felt low, and now it was like he tried me out again and decided i was unloveable. I tried to hug him and he would hold up his arms. He made me feel like I had the Plague. This devastated me again. Rollercoaster. THen he snuck out w OW again in the middle of the nite.

I told him forget about downstairs get out. He said "no i'll stay here you need me" (what a joke). I said its either you leave or me and our DS will move in w my mother.He said he wanted to help me and be my friend. I said how could I be friends with a liar.why cant you even give me a hug. He said I dont want you to get the wrong idea. He left. and plan B began. I did exposure to her family and his.

Talk about mental abuse. So anyway just telling it like it is doesnt effect a WS when they are deep in the fog. sigh


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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me and WH text sometimes to confer about my DS, like schedules and stuff.

Now my WH texted me to go see his therapist with him.
He doesnt understand why I am pretending he is "dead", He thinks I am not facing up to what is going on. He keeps saying he really wants to be my friend. :RollieEyes:

I know this isnt a good idea if I want to save the marriage, so I replied that i dont see the point in therapy unless it is to save the marriage.

My therapist keeps asking to bring my WH in also.
And I have my MIL saying if I am nice to him I might have a chance to get him back. Because me not facing him makes him go to the OW.

I have SIL telling me that I need to eventually talk to him for DS sake. She supposedly had the same thing happen to her in her 20's and she has three kids by WXH.

I just am on the fence if I really even want to save the M anymore. This Plan B feels great now. and it took me so long to get there. I try to explain to everyone that not talking to him helps me and it is not because I am angry, It is because it hurts. Which is absolutely true. I know what going to therapy will do to me.

Its just so hard when everyone is putting pressure on me and making me feel that i am being childish and selfish in Plan B.

If any one has time could you please support my Plan B. I know why I am doing it, but you guys are the ONLY ones that understand and I feel like right now, I just need a little reassurance from people that understand me.

When everyone else seems so against me. crazy

Thank you



BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

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Stillhere:

I've read your thread. So sorry you've been through all of this.

I understand that it is difficult when people are pressuring you to come out of Plan B. In my case, my friends don't pressure me to come out but do pressure me to finish off my D and get over it. They really don't like it when I talk about wanting to stand for the marriage. They can't understand why I would want to "go back". I keep telling them I DON'T want to "go back"; I want to "go forward" with my husband if and only if he wants to work on recovering the marriage...otherwise I don't want the marriage.

But - I don't need to pressure _myself_ - there's enough going on that does that. I've learned that I don't have to make these decisions today. I'll make them when I'm ready. And I trust that I'll know when I'm ready.

And so will you! Plan B is really here FOR YOU. It's not about him. It sounds alot to me like the people pressuring you are more about him and less about you. Maybe you need to find some new friends who support _you_.

I don't really know if you should care about what your WH's counselor wants, but I am a bit concerned when you say that your counselor asks you to bring in WH. Have you explained the "harley method" to her/him? Have you suggested that the therapist come to the MB site? Maybe it would help him/her to understand that you really are working a PLAN - not just refusing to talk out of spite or fear.

Did you give WH a PB letter? Would it help if you shared that with your counselor, or with your MIL? Maybe then they would better understand why you are setting boundaries, and that your WH can resume contact with you if he meets your conditions. Perhaps you can explain to them that it is not you that is refusing to communicate, it is he who is insisting that you don't have the right to set boundaries or define conditions you're willing to put up with. And that you just don't agree with him - and that you would appreciate their support in that regard.

Just ideas.

Hang in there. I'm in Plan B and even though it's really hard for me sometimes I know that it is absolutely the only way I'm ever going to come to back to health. The sentence in this post that jumped out at me was when you said that Plan B is doing great for you. That's what matters.

- M


Me - BW/BS Age: 56 Married 7 1/2 years Divorced Jan 2010
EA began '07 PA began Jan '08
Found out July 2008 Found MB September
Plan A 09/03/2008
I filed D 10/31/2008
Dark Plan B began 11/09/2008
Emerged from Plan B 11/15/2009
Court date (final) scheduled for 12/16/2009
Divorce Final January 2010
Plan B recommenced upon Divorce

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Hey, I'm Plan Bing too. And stuff your H has said to you is the same stuff my WH has said to me -- including the suggestion that we stay married and he keep OW on the side. Before MB and when D-day was so fresh, I agreed to ANYTHING to keep him. That's part of the denial and bargaining process. You are normal!!

Keep up the Plan B and stay strong for your son. I'm doing the same for my 3 kids. And stay dark. Dark, dark, dark.

And I agree about finding friends who support you and your views. I avoid those who mean well but push for the D. Let WH do the dirty work if he wants one. Mine, also, is paying all the bills for now. My focus is, and always has been on, keeping my family and marriage together. However, it will no longer be at any cost.

You will grow stronger as you learn more about affairs. You are not alone.


M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
"I'm moving on"
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Miriam:
I am sorry your in the Infidelity club with me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and post. smile I have not told my MC about MB. I dont know why i havent, but I am going to. I think it is because she is focusing on my long term depression and she thinks that talking w him will help with that and not so much for saving the M. And Ill bring her a copy of the PB letter also. That way we will be on the same page.

My MIL is sicilian right off the boat, so I think she is just set in her ways. But she has been a real rock for me in other ways so I couldnt bear not to see her. I dont even think she will even understand the PB letter. but ill keep working on her.

Thank you for your input and support.




Holyheart:

I am sorry that you are in the same situation with me. With THREE kids.It stinks. Yeah I agree with letting him do the dirty work. If he wants a D then he can initiate it. I also figure I am not really ready for one yet, dont know if ill ever be.

than you for responding, It feels better to be reassured by people in the same boat as me. hug






BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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