Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
C
chris31 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
The short story is this.

My wife has a history of unfaithfulness in most of her past relationships.

with her last ex she had a three year on and off again troubled and abusive relationship, she cheated on him he cheated on her as well.

when my wife and I were dating I found out she was still in contact with him, and that she still had feelings for him.

I confronted her about this and ended our relationship saying that needs to go figure this things out with her ex before i get into anything serious. she was upset by this. a few weeks later she said that she wanted to move forward with me. I agreed

we dated for about a year and then got engaged, then one night she had a break down and said she needed to go stay at her moms.....I found out she went to her exs house and spent the night.

we spent two weeks apart while she begged me to take her back.....after a while I said the only way I'd take her back was if she was in therapy (she's got emotional issues) and had NC with her ex. and told her if you want to be with your ex then go be with him but don't do this to me again.

things were great for a while, we decided to get married ( i know I'm an idiot) a month after we were married, I found out she was still communicating with her ex! I confronted her we had a fight because i was spying (yes I checked hr phone and email) she said she needed to go to her mothers for the day to think.

she comes back that week saying she needs to think I said she's had enough tome to think, if she's struggling with whether to be with her ex or her husband I think you should be with him. she goes and stays at her girlfriends house.

a week later she calls me and tells me she's Pregnant. (we've confirmed it's mine) so she decides to come back and have the baby.

she admits to when she went to her moms after we fought a couple weeks ago, she went to see him, and then slept with him on another occasion that weekend.

we are back together and trying to make it work, but my resentment is pretty intense. it's made me be passive aggressive toward her.

HERES what i need help with.

i found out that she's still been emailing her EX! nothing like I love you or anything but just how are you stuff. he doesn't want much to do with her cause he's met someone else, but does respond, (he's friends with her ex husband too).

she says so what if I write him now and again to make sure he's alright. i care about him and it comforts me to know. she says she loves me and wants to be happy with me and raise a family.

but I say I won't ever be okay with you talking to him EVER, that this is not some guy you dated a few years ago, this is the man you had an adulterous affair with.

she said if i wasn't a snoop I would have never known, that she' snot DOING anything with him. I tell her it undermines us, and i find it to be a betrayal of my trust. and it is, I don't trust her with this at all.

I know it's wrong for me to check her email, but I am so angry that she'd continue contacting him knowing it hurts me and what it does to us. she thinks there's nothing wrong with it. she even went so far as to say it helps her heal from the past.

well it doesn't help me heal!.

but she's pg with my baby and want to try to make it work as well.

at the same time I feel like I punish her and am passive aggressive because of it. my resentment is there and i feel i'm being controling, I tell her thats because you keep contacting him and it's a vicious cycle

but she won't stop communicating with him.

any advice. I've been told I need to ignore it, or leave her.

I confront her and she gets mad for spying

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Chris,

I hope you read the articles on this site. I particularly hope you read Harley's four rules for a good marriage and the two polices of "radical honesty" and "joint agreement", the latter often referred to as POJA around here.

YOu need to learn what it takes for a good marriage. You need to learn what a good marriage is.

Next you need to collect information about OM, her ex. If he was/is abusive has he been reported to the police? Does he have a record? Does he do drugs or drink to excess??

You need to know this because you should divorce this woman, who has not for one moment been faithful to you, and you need to protect your child be removing this child from your W's custody and proxmity to the OM.

You are right you were an "idiot", but you have compounded the issues by bringing a child into this mess. You and the child need out of this mess.

Let's look at some data.

1. She has lied to you since you first started dating.

2. She has continued to lie to you this whole time.

3. She has been with her ex since you started dating.

4. She continues to be with ex to this day.

5. There has not been a day when you and your W were alone in this marriage. Her ex has been in the middle of your relationship since it started.

6. It is clear you don't know what a good marriage is and you need to learn. The information on this site will show you what a good marriage is and how to be a successful part of such a marriage.

Chris, it is time for you to stop the lying, stop the cheating, and to do that you need to leave this marriage. In many states you cannot divorce while the W is pregnant, check with a good lawyer to see if that is the law there. I would also hire a PI to get the good on OM so that during custody hearings you get phsycial custody of your child. Also document when and how often she is with OM.

Young man, it is time to play to win, and for you and your child a "win" is being away from a lying cheating immature girl.

Doesn't sound much like marriage building does it? I think you need to learn how to build a marriage but with a woman that wants to be married and knows what the term means.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,553
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,553
Chris,

I'm very sorry that you found yourself here. However, you will learn a lot that can help you in life and in relationships. Read and learn all that you can. The people here are wonderful and very helpful. smile

Originally Posted by Just Learning
I think you need to learn how to build a marriage but with a woman that wants to be married and knows what the term means.

This is something that you really need to think about. It sounds as though your wife has a record of cheating and had one before she met you. Is that what you want in your life? Do you want your child to see that and think that it's fine. Do you want your son/daughter to do that to the women/men he/she is with? Do you want your daughter/son to grow up thinking that a man/woman can cheat on her/him and it's okay? I'm an advocate for marriage, but it certainly doesn't sound as though you've even had one. My heart goes out to you. Everyone deserves to have a marriage between TWO people only.


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
So sorry you are here. I agree that your wife needs to get some counseling and work on her emotional issues.

By the way, how did you determine the child is yours?

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 613
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 613
Quote
a week later she calls me and tells me she's Pregnant. (we've confirmed it's mine) so she decides to come back and have the baby

If she is still pregnant how did you "Confirm" the baby is yours?? Get a DNA Test!!

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719
Your wife has an affliction I saw in my own life which would have turned it into a nightmare if I had actually married the woman that had it.

I had an ex fiance who always seemed to be looking back at exes, thinking about how good she had it with them or how much she "loved" them.

So whenever we had problems, she'd start looking back.

She's currently married to someone else (her fourth husband) and has contacted me a few times, telling me she thinks of me often.

She wanted to meet up and I told her I wouldn't meet with her since she was married and that she should focus on that.

There is NO reason why your wife needs to "check in" with her ex.

He's moved on with his life and she needs to let him go completely.

Whenever she gives you crap about spying, tell her that she has a right to privacy, but not secrecy and maintaining a friendship with an ex is a hard and fast boundary.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
C
chris31 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10

In their relationship they were abusive to each other, mostly emotionally, and it was years ago.

she comes from a small town where everyone knows everyone, her girlfriends know him, her ex husband hangs out with him.

I DO know what a marriage takes, and I have read a lot about it as well, that's why I've got such a resentment as well, because she doesn't seem to feel that her "checking in" with her ex to "see how he is" is a basic betrayal of trust and hurtful to me.

She said that I don't have a right to "punish" her with my resentment, and she's right, but what i told her was it's a vicious cycle, you contacting your ex , even if just once a month, is symbiotic with my resentment and hurt. cause and effect.

Her argument is that her saying hello to someone she cares about once in a while doesn't hurt us, and it comforts here to know he's okay.

I say he's not your ex husband who you are platonic with or an ex you dated a long time ago. this is the man that you cheated on me with.

BUT I continue to find contacts with him ( i check her email, and even if I don't I find out somehow) i don't think it's rampant everyday I loves yous, what I found is how are yous, so you have a girlfriend?

my wife says I'm suffocating and controlling, and that maybe true, but how can I not be when I KNOW she's contacting her ex in this way. OF COURSE IT MAKES ME INSECURE.

my mother is mad at me because I'm stressing out my wife while she's pregnant and thats not good for the baby and I knew who she was as far as contacting her ex, and I should shut up for the baby if i wanna stay with her and be a fulltime father OR leave her.

but can't there be something in there of SHE NEEDS TO STOP CONTACTING HER EX!?

my wife is now currently staying with her mom, thinking I'm being stupid and risking my family and my baby for somethign stupid, and that "if I wasn't so obsessed with snooping I'd be fine and she's be coming home"

OH and by the way, she also wants me to move to this town that she grew up in to be closer to her mom and family, and it happens that this guy lives there too.

anyway, we know it's mine because he's sterile and we did a CVS test.

The baby is due in 6 months, and I know theres no way I'll get custody and can't afford a lawyer.

either way, she wants to be married and have a family with me but thinks I'm sabotaging us by spying and causing her stress and that I'm stubborn.

and I'm here going WHAT?! you are still contacting your ex! I have asked you about it and you lie right to my face until i prove it to you and you get made for me spying!

so I don't know what to do, I think we can't recover from this unless she understands that contacting her ex is a deal breaker.

SHE WANTS US TO WORK AND BE A FAMILY AND THINKS i'M BEING STUBBORN AND STUPID

Last edited by chris31; 01/11/09 12:23 PM.
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
Quote
so I don't know what to do, I think we can't recover from this unless she understands that contacting her ex is a deal breaker

And quite frankly, you would be right.

This women will never be more than the mother of your child, not a wife. I don't know how you are so convinced this is your child, but I will defer to your knowledge. Unless you've had a DNA test done, I'm puzzeled by what convinced you.


All blessings,
Jerry

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Jerry - CVS IS a DNA test, so at least that question is answered.

Chris - was your marriage ever good?

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
C
chris31 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10


we have only been married for a short time, we are newly weds, but we love each other very much, are best friends, and have a lot of fun together, no problems sexually, we crack up with each other.

we have our differences, but nothing that would sabotage us.

her contacting her ex has been the issue.

yesterday she says she's done nothing wrong, that nothing is going on with him, the pain of my relationship with him is finally subsiding it been very hard for me, but I want to be with you and have a family. that she won't be under my thumb and if she wants too say hi to someone she cared about and see if he's okay then thats okay i won't be under your thumb.

Am I in the effing twlight zone?! I say to her honey! this is the man you had an affair with! If you think you are under my thumb because I have an issue with this then I don't know what to say.

i say if you are really done with him there is no reason to contact him, I say I understand you want to make sure he's okay,....listen he's okay, he's a 35 yr old man, he's fine, but your marriage is not fine, your husband is NOT fine, and that needs to be more important.

now I will be honest and say I obviously have a lot of resentment, and I can be passive aggressive and such, because I don't know how to fake i don't know.

she says don't spy on me you are a snoop, and I say don't give me a reason to spy on you. she says I don't do that to you, and I say honey I have never given you a reason, I'm 100% faithful.


she thinks I'm an idiot and losing my family for being stubborn. because she's not going to leave me for him and he's not a threat, she loves me and wants to be a family, who care if I say hi to him now and again, i'm not going anywhere.

is that true, should I just shut up? and not worry about it, and let it fade? and just worry about being a dad and good husband?

but then i feel like she gets me and she gets to talk to her ex.

I'm scared to divorce and be a weekend father, I don't want to cause her stress in her pregnancy.

we have been okay, getting ready for the baby, setting things up, going to the dr together. but then I find out tha she's still communicating with him.

now my mother is mad at me because I'm "abusing the baby" by causing my wife stress, because I'm confronting her about these contacts, and am upset.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
You aren't abusing the baby - your wife and her affair partner are. Be strong and let her know that she is HURTING you and the marriage. She absolutely needs to have NC with the OM for you to have any hope of saving the marriage.

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 613
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 613
I would ask her why she is sneaking around and talking with a guy she had an affair with? Sneaking equals affair.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 162
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 162
Hi Chris,

I think your wife and your mom are both wrong. your wife is still in an affair every time she contacts OM. It is clear disrespect. I do not doubt for one second if the tables were turned she would want you seeing if your OW was ok. She has very foggy boundaries and it's up to you how long you will put up with it. You cannot control anyone,but you can control you. Your wife should not be contacting the OM just because she is pregnant and your telling her not to is "upsetting the baby". Your wife is upsetting your marriage and the ramifications are upsetting the baby..not you.
Your mom is dead wrong...she is an ally for your wife to cake eat. My methods are not very popular on here. Respect goes two ways for me. I will give respect and I want to be respected. Either we fix the problem, and I'm willing to give it time if we decide to fix it, or remove ourselves from the problem.
Do not let her gas light you into believing it is ok for her to text or talk or communicate with OM.

I apologize if I appear a bit direct, but I am always amazed at the level of disrespect shown to someone who is trying to save their marriage by their own spouse

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
C
chris31 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10



Thank you for your advice. I think my anger comes from the fact that I'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

as someone said to me her view and my view are diametrically opposed and I'm trying to make her "SEE" that what she is doing is wrong. she won't see it, so why fight it.

this whole weekend she has been contacting him, is there anything sexual going on, no, the emails aren't sexual or emotional, but they are there, and EVEN when we are in this fight about this, she STILL contacts him.


So I think my only choice is to end the marriage, since she will not see that contacting her ex is wrong.

I really thought that her being pregnant was going to be enough for her to stop this crazy addiction to her past relationship

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 162
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 162
Marriage is about respecting one another's feelings. It can't survive with a third person in it. Marriage without consentual respect is no marriage.

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
Quote
She said that I don't have a right to "punish" her with my resentment, and she's right,

Congrats on you making my "Idiotic Statements Made and Believed by the BS" Hall of Fame.


You have only one obligation now and that is to your unborn baby. May I suggest that you broach the subject of adoption with your WW. I don't know what you or your WW deserve out of this marriage but I do know that your child should have the right to not be part of this drama.

Best of luck.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
C
chris31 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10


Yes you are right, and as much as I want to be a family and be married, if she won't give me what i need by not communicating with her ex, the man she had two affairs with, what am I to do,...I can't be with her just beat her up over it trying to MAKE her change.

and if I can't do that then there's only one option. I have been spending to much time trying to have her "get it"

she thinks I'm beign stupid and sabotaging our marriage by not chilling out, that leaving her past behind has been hard for her, but she's finally healing.

and it might be wrong, but I kinda wanna say, boo boo, trying being married and having your wife commit adultry and simply not stop communicating with the guy.

adoption isn't an option she won't do that. but I can still be a good father without her in my life.

and I think I've gotta stop trying to get her to see what she's doing

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 162
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 162
You have finally hit wisdom my friend

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10
C
chris31 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 10


well it sounds like I have to move forward without her and try to find an effective way to be a co parent.

Since she refuses to acknowledge that there's anything wrong with her communicating with her ex or "the man she committed adultery with"
and she won't ever stop communicating with him, since having a bf won't do it, being engaged won't do it, being married won't do it, and obviously being pregnant isn't enough for her to stop communicating with him.

Question.


I tell her it's her being unfaithful, she says it is not being unfaithful. but isn't communicating with the man you had an extramarital affair with even if it's just hi how are you I'm glad you're well, I miss you, ......unfaithful. it' obviously a blatant betrayal of trust.


also, does anyone know about right off the bat how much time I'm allowed with my baby?

and if she tries to divorce me before the birth can I do anything about it?

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719
You have rights as the father. How do you know it's yours, however?

You really can't pinpoint the date of conception and that doesn't mean anything since it's about a 5 day window.

You won't be divorced before the baby is born and you can get plenty of time with the child if it is yours.

Go for no less than 50/50.

You are just as capable as her to take care of that baby if you do divorce.

But seriously, you're going to scare her straight first by setting your foot down.

And it is adultery and an affair to stay in contact with someone you had an affair with. There's no ifs ands or butts about it.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 130 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5