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Joined: Jan 2009
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Claims 10 days of NC now. I have no way of verifying. Determined she want to move into her own apartment by Feb 1st. Wants *FULL* access to both kids and marital home after that. Says she wants to explore the A to the end and see if it really results in a good, longer relationship. Will spend a lot of time in marital home and with kids while going back to apt each night.

What am I to do? Kick in a Plan B? I've been trying Plan A all these days, and it sort of has been a roller-coaster, with me still having the occasional angry outbursts.

BTW, we're in California, and she is financially capable of sustaining herself during the apartment/loveshack stay.

Where do I go from here? Please share your thoughts! Thanks.


Me: 42
WW: 41
Married: 16 years
Known each other: 21 years
S12 D10.5
A Started: Nov 8, 2008
First Discovery: Dec 26th ("Just a Friend" excuse)
Big D-day: Jan 10th (Recorded evidence of full-blown A)
WW Moved out: Feb 1st, 2009.
Plan B started: Feb 13th, 2009.
D Papers served on me by WW: Feb 17th, 2009.
Plan B currently blown, A continues!
WW moved back into home: Feb 23rd, 2009.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153
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Originally Posted by HeartInPain
Claims 10 days of NC now. I have no way of verifying. Determined she want to move into her own apartment by Feb 1st. Wants *FULL* access to both kids and marital home after that. Says she wants to explore the A to the end and see if it really results in a good, longer relationship. Will spend a lot of time in marital home and with kids while going back to apt each night.

What am I to do? Kick in a Plan B? I've been trying Plan A all these days, and it sort of has been a roller-coaster, with me still having the occasional angry outbursts.

BTW, we're in California, and she is financially capable of sustaining herself during the apartment/loveshack stay.

Where do I go from here? Please share your thoughts! Thanks.

I would take this ideal opportunity and use her 'fog' against her. Let her abandon the marital home. Get yourself a fathers rights attorney and PI in that order. Take care of your children, then drop the hammer.

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HP, I would expose this affair everywhere. Then I would let her know that you will not be her friend while she does this and will not cooperate in any separation scheme. She is counting on your cooperation to make this work. You should not cooperate! Let her know the kids will not be allowed to stay in her love nest or be around the OM without a court order.

What she is trying to do is keep you quiet and cooperative while she sticks it to her family so she won't feel so bad about her cruelty and her abandonment. You don't want to ease her guilt in that regard. SHE WANTS YOU TO MAKE IT EASY FOR HER.

My suggestion would be to go into plan B once she moves out and make her pick up the kids from the drive way for her visitations and take them to restaurants, parks. After you go into Plan B you shouldn't allow her in the house, though.

So, for now, just let her know you won't cooperate and have no intention of being her "friend" while she abandons her family for her adultery.

Do your kids know all about her affair? Have you told them she is abandoning her family for her adulterous affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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To a lawyer
you may want to go for supervised visits


while you continue in plan A.....
with lots of boundaries...

children are to have no contact with OM
Is the affair exposed

is the OM married

Go get STD testing for yourself tell he nicely you are doing this....

get birth certificates in safe places

rally support friends around you so that when she comes home it is very uncomfortable...

fill the home with love and joy and music and offer her glimpses of a full life of value with the children vs her dark cold make beleive place with OM...

how old are the kids...

ARK


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Expose her to the consequences of her actions. Once she is out of the house, I would do a modified plan B (only talk to her in emergencies about the kids), file for divorce or legal separations, get full custody of the children and the house (where you can change the locks and she is not free to come and go), and get her on the hook for child support. Once the consequences start mounting, she'll realize this affair won't go anywhere if she starts getting child support deducted from her paycheck and she can't see her children whenever she wants.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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You are the rare BH of late who is in the drivers seat. Myself and a whole host of others did not go on the offensive and had to pay dearly to regain lost ground. You are in a war - you need to think that way. There's a lot of good advice - you need to get an A and follow through!


Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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Originally Posted by HeartInPain
Says she wants to explore the A to the end and see if it really results in a good, longer relationship
Time to go to atleast Plan-B, if not Plan-D.

Originally Posted by HeartInPain
Wants *FULL* access to both kids and marital home after that
Well to darn bad.

Get a Lawyer TODAY!!!
Do not allow this.


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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You have a massive opportunity to take advantage of her moving out.

You can now file for abandonment, full legal and physical custody, and dictate the terms of visitation.

You have absolutely no idea how huge a gift she's giving you by doing this.

But don't have the lack of self respect where you will allow this.

Get an attorney immediately. Smile and nod with her plans. She's digging a monster big hole for herself.

This gives you a massive, massive advantage in family court that very few fathers get.

This is a major opportunity for you.

And the ironic thing is that you making things difficult for her in terms of custody is the giant dose of reality that she needs to snap out of the fog.

A court order granting you custody of your kids is very often an antidote to a WW fog.

Give her a Plan B letter as she walks out the door and file something the day she leaves.

Seriously, take advantage of this gift she's giving you. Your rights as a father will be secured that way.

But finally, don't for one second tolerate this horrible slap in the face to you where she will go and scr3w another man while you take care of the kids.

Absolutely unnacceptable.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Since you are in California, file for a legal separation. Since it is a community property state it is very difficult to keep her from the marital home without legal means. Get physical custody of the kids and state clearly no introductions to OM and no opposite sex overnights while kids are in her care. Then go to plan B.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Thanks a lot folks! You guys are my sole strength at this point in time. It gives me a tremendous amount of courage. I'll be strong and act as advised!


Me: 42
WW: 41
Married: 16 years
Known each other: 21 years
S12 D10.5
A Started: Nov 8, 2008
First Discovery: Dec 26th ("Just a Friend" excuse)
Big D-day: Jan 10th (Recorded evidence of full-blown A)
WW Moved out: Feb 1st, 2009.
Plan B started: Feb 13th, 2009.
D Papers served on me by WW: Feb 17th, 2009.
Plan B currently blown, A continues!
WW moved back into home: Feb 23rd, 2009.
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
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Don't give her a heads-up, just catch her by surprise. Meet with a lawyer soon to discuss your strategy for securing custody. Make sure you find a good, bulldog attorney.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Any recommendations for a "bulldog attorney" in the San Francisco Bay Area?

I've got an appointment scheduled with "a" attorney, not sure how good or bad she will turn our though...


Me: 42
WW: 41
Married: 16 years
Known each other: 21 years
S12 D10.5
A Started: Nov 8, 2008
First Discovery: Dec 26th ("Just a Friend" excuse)
Big D-day: Jan 10th (Recorded evidence of full-blown A)
WW Moved out: Feb 1st, 2009.
Plan B started: Feb 13th, 2009.
D Papers served on me by WW: Feb 17th, 2009.
Plan B currently blown, A continues!
WW moved back into home: Feb 23rd, 2009.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153
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Originally Posted by HeartInPain
Any recommendations for a "bulldog attorney" in the San Francisco Bay Area?

I've got an appointment scheduled with "a" attorney, not sure how good or bad she will turn our though...

Ask some of your divorced co-workers and friend who got scr3wed the most by their exes attorney....then hire that attorney!

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HinP

check this link - also wanted to mention great advice on above posts, Sorry you had to join this club or aka house of broken dreams.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=149531&Number=2033532#Post2033532


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
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Please do NOT listen to those that would have you do a "partial or almost" Plan B. What is rarely revealed in these forums is that a modified Plan B may be the greatest force towards divorce that can occur post DD.

A modified Plan B reeks of anger, retribution and revenge. A real Plan B is initially perceived the same way by the WS but it's persistence,tenacity and the show of BS self respect is what makes it the ultimate path.

Best of luck.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Since the car she uses is in my name, should I take that too away if/when she moves out? That will really hurt her bad though.

Suggestions? Thanks!


Me: 42
WW: 41
Married: 16 years
Known each other: 21 years
S12 D10.5
A Started: Nov 8, 2008
First Discovery: Dec 26th ("Just a Friend" excuse)
Big D-day: Jan 10th (Recorded evidence of full-blown A)
WW Moved out: Feb 1st, 2009.
Plan B started: Feb 13th, 2009.
D Papers served on me by WW: Feb 17th, 2009.
Plan B currently blown, A continues!
WW moved back into home: Feb 23rd, 2009.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
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Take it away. Do not finance the affair in any way, including loaning her a car. This is not an LB. This is a consequence of her actions.

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My lawyer warned me not to do that.
Or drop the ensurance, or drop the tag.


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Unfortunately, you live in the People's Republic of California so things are harder. But, the advice above comes in handy (but, again, check it with your attorney).

I would let her get out of the door and then do the filing for custody, etc. I am not familiar with California law, but if she has moved into a new apartment, the marital home is no longer her home. She has abandoned it, thus you can change the locks and not allow her inside.

My wife did the same thing, and thought she could use the time to play around with the OM and see what happened. I turned it into a very difficult time for her, because I didnt go along with the "separation scheme" (as Mel said above).

So, let her hang herself by moving out. She will try to "normalize" things for the first week or so, but then the OM will want more time out of her and you all will see her less and less. Trust me...it happened in my situation.

So, the old rule of "if your enemy is in the midst of destroying themselves, get out of the way and let them" applies here. Once my wife had done this, and spent very little time with the kids over the 6 month period...her goose was cooked when it came to court.

Protect your kids and your assets. She may pull her head out eventually, but for now...let her fall.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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If she wants to keep the car, put in the D agreement that she will have to refinance it in her name only--therefore, leaving the insurance, tag etc. all her responsibility. Give a deadline (date) that this has to be done by IN THE AGREEMENT. If she doesn't want to do that, then you keep the car. Your attorney will advise you on this.

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