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#2206877 02/05/09 04:32 PM
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FWH seems to have a habit of painting me into a corner, and it's SO irritating!! rant2

His latest: a while back he expressed frustration at having to rush SF. I can understand this, really I can. We have two little boys, busy schedules, and we don't have the luxury of spending hours for that. Though what we've done is we both get home from work fairly early, and will spend about an hour between the time we get home until I go to pick up our boys at daycare for SF. This seems to work reasonably well, but it's still somewhat rushed. Things have been crazy the past two weeks - work, I've been sick nearly a week now (and I still gave him a little something twice). So one night this week when we were going to bed, it was late, he wanted SF. We were both wiped but really, things overall have been going really well that I'm open to SF pretty much any time he wants it. So I said "wouldn't you rather wait until tomorrow so we don't have to rush, since it's late and we're both tired?" He was going to be pretty busy the next day and told me that, so we had SF (and again, I was fine with that).

Well now he tells me I'm "in the habit" of trying to get him to wait until the next day. I didn't think that was the case, but I listened, and he used that conversation as an example. So I reminded him of me saying he's bugged by rushing, and now he's saying he's bugged by waiting until the next day - so which is it? "It depends on the situation" he says. skeptical So I said "so really, you're making it so no matter what I do, I'm likely to be wrong." "Or you're likely to be right" he comes back with.

rant2 WTF?! He does this "doublespeak" (as I call it) often enough that it's a pattern of his. I'm so frustrated by it that with his last statement that I just ended the conversation without saying anything more (this was all over text). We've talked several times about him pulling this nonsense, and making my point with him can be like pulling teeth - it's hard to get him to see my point of view a lot of times - and since he repeatedly does this, it tells me he DOESN'T get it.

uhuh :crosseyedcrazy: and did I mention skeptical grumble rant2 Any ideas?


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


broken_soul #2206903 02/05/09 04:56 PM
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I'm not saying you are wrong here but I have often felt the same as your H. I sometimes feel my W will delay having sex by making up an 'excuse' (keep in mind that it may be legitimate but sex is a very important EN for me) just to 'get out of it'. Like if she is sick she will play it out for a couple of extra days. My only suggestion would be not to offer the next day idea and let him decide if he wants to have it that day or wait until the next day - assuming you are ok with this as well.


BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
broken_soul #2206919 02/05/09 05:12 PM
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Try seeing that SF to your husband is equally important as any of your top ENs...

Say for instance you have a need for affection...You ask for a hug...you really need a hug...He says, "How 'bout if we put that off until tomorrow?" You'd likely feel kinda hurt and rejected, no?

Or...You have a EN for financial support...the mortgage or car payment is due today...He says, "How 'bout if I get you that money tomorrow?"

When I started seeing SF from that perspective, things changed for the better around here...When I finally got that SF is how Mr. W feels connected to me, and abandoned the notion that it was merely "getting off" for him...my whole outlook changed...it has worked very well for both of us! smile

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

Upside_Down #2206923 02/05/09 05:17 PM
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Yeah, I see what you're saying. SF is his #1 EN. I have bronchitis, so he knows I'm not faking (kinda hard to fake coughing up yellow phlegm), and if I'm tired or whatever I'll flat out tell him "I'm too worn out tonight, how about a raincheck for tomorrow?" and then I follow through. I try really hard to give him SOMETHING, even if I'm not in the mood for anything myself.

It is totally possible I do that more than I realize, which is why I didn't object when he mentioned that. So I really feel that I'm being O&H rather than playing games as you described. Though that used to be my MO, so I can see if he feels that way.

Jeeze, did that make any sense at all? It feels like I was kind of all over the map with that response, lol.

I guess I should just keep my mouth shut.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Well, I do see that Mrs. W. I guess where I made my mistake is I was responding to his prior complaint about having to rush, when I said "would you rather wait until tomorrow when we'd have more time?" I was happy to have SF then and wasn't trying to put him off (and we did have SF then), but I was trying to be mindful of what he'd said before.

Does that make sense?


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


broken_soul #2206935 02/05/09 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by broken_soul
Well, I do see that Mrs. W. I guess where I made my mistake is I was responding to his prior complaint about having to rush, when I said "would you rather wait until tomorrow when we'd have more time?" I was happy to have SF then and wasn't trying to put him off (and we did have SF then), but I was trying to be mindful of what he'd said before.

Does that make sense?

Yes, but why rush? I understand that being tired at work isn't great fun, and especially with two little ones, however, your marriage must come before all the rest...Only God is a higher priority...Dr. Harley says that your career is to serve your marriage and family, and not the other way around...So I say, slow down, enjoy each other and have a few extra cups of coffee in the morning...What you will gain, will most surely be worth more than a few extra zzzz's...

Hope something I've said helps! smile

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
Try seeing that SF to your husband is equally important as any of your top ENs...

Say for instance you have a need for affection...You ask for a hug...you really need a hug...He says, "How 'bout if we put that off until tomorrow?" You'd likely feel kinda hurt and rejected, no?

Or...You have a EN for financial support...the mortgage or car payment is due today...He says, "How 'bout if I get you that money tomorrow?"

When I started seeing SF from that perspective, things changed for the better around here...When I finally got that SF is how Mr. W feels connected to me, and abandoned the notion that it was merely "getting off" for him...my whole outlook changed...it has worked very well for both of us! smile

Mrs. W

Mrs W,

Could I get you to call my wife?????? PUHHHHHHLEASE!!!!!!!!!


Me 41
WW 25
Married 11/2004
D 7 D 3 D 2
D-Day 12/29/2008
WW moved out 12/29/2008
My Story! Thread titled "Not again...."

WithinU #2206938 02/05/09 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by WithinU
Mrs W,

Could I get you to call my wife?????? PUHHHHHHLEASE!!!!!!!!!

LOL, WU! I learned it all from here...from reading Dr. Harley's books, from going to an MB weekend...I didn't invent it! stickout

If you were serious, you can have your wife email me...Mr. W & I share the address listed in my signature...smile

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Originally Posted by MrsWondering
Originally Posted by broken_soul
Well, I do see that Mrs. W. I guess where I made my mistake is I was responding to his prior complaint about having to rush, when I said "would you rather wait until tomorrow when we'd have more time?" I was happy to have SF then and wasn't trying to put him off (and we did have SF then), but I was trying to be mindful of what he'd said before.

Does that make sense?

Yes, but why rush? I understand that being tired at work isn't great fun, and especially with two little ones, however, your marriage must come before all the rest...Only God is a higher priority...Dr. Harley says that your career is to serve your marriage and family, and not the other way around...So I say, slow down, enjoy each other and have a few extra cups of coffee in the morning...What you will gain, will most surely be worth more than a few extra zzzz's...

Hope something I've said helps! smile

Mrs. W

Of course, you're always helpful. smile

Here's a bigger picture - he's in sales, and gets up anywhere from 2:30-4:30 am for work. I work 8-4. Until recently he worked S-Thu, I worked M-F. I'm taking a class on Fridays, so now I work S-Thu too. So the most extensive time we would have was before picking up the boys. Getting up later or just drinking more coffee in the morning really wasn't an option for him. He was also having severe sleep apnea issues (very recently corrected), which was affecting my sleep quality as well, along with our youngest son (2 1/2) getting up multiple times a night. So the between-time was something we agreed to.

I agree with you wholeheartedly and am not making excuses or anything. It just wasn't a matter of not wanting to make the time. Because I was able to change my schedule, we're more able to spend that 15 hours a week together, which is really nice and we're both enjoying.

I really enjoy SF with him, and now that things are so much better between us I no longer see it as a chore (like I did before).


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10



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