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#2206447 02/05/09 08:02 AM
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Hi,
My wife left with OM w/o saying bye to kids D17, S15, D14. I've been reading Love Must be Tough by Dobson and prefer it to Plan A. My wife believes all problems are mine, but all counselors disagree. I don't even want to be nice. She left Monday (2/2) and has not called since 2/3. My son is devastated but does not talk about it. Should I get a lawyer? Can she take kids from Mich to Georgia. The OM has money, I have our debt. Life sucks!

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Valley,

I am so sorry that you are here. I am no expert, but first thing: Get an attorney. Next, immediately notify your kids' schools of what is happening to them. The counselors can be of great support to them.

I'm sure other advice will come shortly.
Shenle


"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~
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Thanks ... I am trying to get some counseling help and some folks to give me good advice. Unfortunately, my crisis is not critical to others. I feel very alone right now. The OM's wife just left him for another, so I guess he thought my W was fair game. Problem is I trusted this guy (her non-blood uncle). He's 58 and she is 39, but they have always had a connection. I thought it was pure.

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Sick blood or no to hook up with and uncle is just sick.

Lawyer up to discuss these things. So WW can't take children out of home or state. Get to exclude her from the home for abandonment. Have her pay CS. House in both names force her to pay half the mortgage.

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You have an open and shut case for abandonment. Get a lawyer NOW, and do everything TheRoad suggested.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by valley_09
The OM's wife just left him for another, so I guess he thought my W was fair game.

More likely their A was going on for awhile and they just seized the opportunity when his W left.

As the others have said, start the legal processes to protect yourself and your children.

BTW - it's quite possible that your WW will come back, when the reality of abandoning her children to shack up with a 58-year old man catches up with her. The question is, would you want her back at that point?





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Thanks everyone for your input. Will a lawyer be expensive? I don't know what to ask a lawyer to do for me. He lives in GA and we live in MI, so the affair was Emotional until now. Please pray for my son 15.

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Lawyer:
Abandonment
Child Support
Half of Mortgage
Kids to stay in Mich
Anything Else?
How much will all this cost?

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Originally Posted by valley_09
Lawyer:
Abandonment
Child Support
Half of Mortgage
Kids to stay in Mich
Anything Else?
How much will all this cost?

Go see a lawyer ASAP! A lawyer will cost you as much as you want to spend. WIth my A, I fill out all the paperwork, go to the courthouse to file everything and just have him check over everything. This way I am paying him only for his ADVICE and not what I can do myself such as filling out paperwork and waiting at the courthouse.

I am not sure what your laws are, but in my state (DE) once you file for divorce, an injunction is put into place that prevents the kids from being moved out of state until custody is settled.

ALso, if you file for sole custody, when custody is filed the kids usually can't be removed from the juristiction of the courts either. On your custody petition, make sure you write down that she abandoned the kids. If you have irrefutable proof that she is in a physical relationship with the uncle, include that too. That way she has to prove to the court about how her relationship with the uncle is in the kids best interest. grin

The vets will tell you this - most WW's want the BH to give up the kids without a fight. This is the WORST thing you could ever do. You are holding all cards right now with her abandoning you. You will never be in a position of more strength with the courts.



Me BH 35 WW 36
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08

Divorce Final 3/19/2009
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Thank you ... I will contact an attorney soon. I called the OMs grown son and asked him to look into the situation. He gave me his word that he would let me know what is ging on. He is a biz owner, married with 2 kids. He was disgusted by what I said and I was for even saying it. I feel sick.

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Originally Posted by valley_09
Thanks ... I am trying to get some counseling help and some folks to give me good advice. Unfortunately, my crisis is not critical to others. I feel very alone right now. The OM's wife just left him for another, so I guess he thought my W was fair game. Problem is I trusted this guy (her non-blood uncle). He's 58 and she is 39, but they have always had a connection. I thought it was pure.

Dang, valley! Does your wife have "daddy" issues?

WS's GF is 18 years his junior. OWH thinks she has "daddy" issues.

Yikes! And an "uncle?"

Man, oh man...I feel for you, valley!

Keep posting, you'll get a lot of good advice here.

And yes, definitely see an attorney. Some charge for consultation and some do not. Don't get into one of those "DIY" scenarios. You need to protect your kids.

Best of luck!

Charlotte

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Good exposure. Find out if you live in a fault state. Also find out if you can sue him for alienation of affection.

Finally, this relationship will be seen very badly by the courts.

Your kids will have a say on custody and I can imagine at their age that the choice to stay with you will likely be the easy one to make. It's either that or live with an uncle who is screwing their mom.

Very bad all around.

Sorry you're here. We know how much it sucks.

Try to take care of yourself.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Journal Entry: It's 3:30 AM and I can't sleep. This is too much to bare. My mind is racing. How do you get through these nights? I have to work in a few hours and my job requires careful thought.

I have been praying almost nonstop every waking moment for the last 12 hours.

Lord Jesus - What would you have me do? Please show me the way for my family. Direct my thoughts and actions. Move my heart to match your Will. Please speak truth to my heart and her heart. Your Word says that if I abide in you and your Word abides in me that whataver I ask will be done for me (John 15:7). So I pray this promise and ask for her to admit what she has done against you and our marriage, see it's destructive and sinful nature, repent and seek full forgiveness from you, from me, from our children and all involved. As for me, help me to stand firm, stay focused on you and not the sin. Help me to be ready for action. Please provide peace in my heart that surpasses all understanding. Make my direction from you crystal clear. Please show me those that I should request prayer from. Please provide grace and peace for the kids. Bless them and wrap your arms around them. Help them at school and help me at work. Help me to continue to provide for them. Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy and for your Son who died for me on the Cross at Calvery.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

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Nice valley,

Your not alone, I pray every chance I get, I even pray during meetings at work, cause I can't focus on what they are talking about.

Take care of yourself, and your kids.
She'll come around, someday. Put this in God's hands he will take care of it.


Me 41
WW 25
Married 11/2004
D 7 D 3 D 2
D-Day 12/29/2008
WW moved out 12/29/2008
My Story! Thread titled "Not again...."

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Originally Posted by valley_09
Hi,
My wife left with OM w/o saying bye to kids D17, S15, D14. I've been reading Love Must be Tough by Dobson and prefer it to Plan A. My wife believes all problems are mine, but all counselors disagree. I don't even want to be nice. She left Monday (2/2) and has not called since 2/3. My son is devastated but does not talk about it. Should I get a lawyer? Can she take kids from Mich to Georgia. The OM has money, I have our debt. Life sucks!

Valley,

Welcome to MB but so sorry you're here. Start keeping a FACTUAL journal of everything... dates, any contact, etc. You can keep a separate personal journal for yourself, but remember, if this go to divorce, it could be discoverable.

I don't think you can file for abandonment until she has been gone for a certain amount of time. Call your local CPS office and ask them what the criteria is for abandonment. You don't need to give them your name.

Go see a lawyer and get a LSA (legal separation agreement) on file ASAP. This will protect you financially and will protect the children as well. Ask for temporary orders... this will keep the kids in their home and forbid her from removing them to another state.

You said you don't want to follow Plan A so what is your plan? Around here, we like to say there's Plan A, Plan B, Plan D (Divorce), Plan FU (no need to explain this one) and Plan C (Confused). What's your plan?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I am going with Plan B now that his family and our family all know about what is going on. And no, I did not have to spill the beans. His kids and extended family are extremely mad at both of them over this.

Her Uncle/Lover is justifying their relationship and stating that others will have to get past it and accept it. How sick!

With no sign of remorse or repentance by W, I have no choice but to go Plan B. I changed the bank account this AM so she is unable to withdraw money.

I am going to have to tell my kids soon that their Mom is having an affair with her Uncle. I dread this discussion for them. My son (15) is closer to his Mom and he is going to be really hurt.

God help us!


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WW still claims that nothing happened. Regardless of that, she is in GA and me and kids are home in Mich. I have no choice but to try and move on.

Last time we talked was Saturday and it was ugly. I let her have it. I'm sure that was the wrong thing to do, but I needed to say some things. She still belives that I am the problem, but when I talk to others, her family included, the think she is the problem. I told her she is Bipolar and has Borderline Personality Disorder. I told that she never stuck around long enough to hear the counselors tell her what she needs to change and work on. See, I let her believe for a long time that she was right. I was so tired of arguing.

Early in our marriage, I was selfish and controlling, but that changed radicaly after first 5 years. These are the things I did in the next 15 years:

We didn't go out on dates much recently as we were so busy with the kids, but 2-3 times per week I would brush her hair, put lotion on her feet, run her baths with candles. I called a couple times per day to say I Love You, picked up stuff from Walmart at lunch, drove the kids to events, cooked dinner at least half the time, occasional breakfast in bed, spent time with her in evenings watching tv, gave her back rubs, went to church, built her dream home, bought 2 horses, new puppy. I took her to 2 Family Life Weekend to Remember:

<http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k.F5BB/Attend_a_conference.htm>

One was in Niagra Falls and the other I took her on corporate jet to Houston. I took her to a Winery/Horse Ranch Bed and Breakfast for our Anniversary 2 years ago. If she wanted to get away, I was OK with it.
When we made love, it was important to me that she was satisfied and for a very long time, I did that. Her biggest complaint of me was that I knew what to do to fix our marriage, but did not do it. She said that I wasn't open and honest ... OK yes at times I was not. When you get hit with a hammer for being honest about thought life or attractive women, you tend to not want to get the hammer again.

I do not write these things to bragg, but I am honestly trying to assess myself as a husband. I was no where near perfect, but I did try to please her. I had a few incidents with porn and self gratification early in our marraige and she was devastated when she found out. There were other times that I lusted, but I have never been with another woman since we married 20 years ago. She had one encounter with ex 10 or more years ago and now this whole thing. I am not on drugs, but drink a few beers on occasion. I am reasonably attractive with a great job and am considered a great dad. I have coached my sons teams growing up. I am not overweight (185) or short (6"0). I get along with just about everyone and people usually like me. I was ranked the highest professional at my level in my department and considered an expert at my technical job.

Sorry for rambling. I am not looking for a date either as I'm a married man until the court tells me different. But she has blamed me for so many things that I felt I needed to put this in writing.

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Quote
Lawyer:
Abandonment
Child Support
Half of Mortgage
Kids to stay in Mich
Anything Else?
How much will all this cost?

Quote
I am reasonably attractive with a great job


Quote
I took her on corporate jet to Houston


I am having trouble finding consistency in your posts


Quote
She had one encounter with ex 10 or more years ago and now this whole thing.


And then this little tidbit is buried in paragraph 6 or 7?


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Sorry for all the ramblings. I guess that I'm doing a few different things:

1. Praying to God for wisdom.
2. Trying to figure out what plan to take A, B or D. Do I really even want to be married to her if she comes back.
3. Trying to understand what kind of husband i have been - really that bad?
4. Giving background on our marriage for others to comment.

Our marriage has been rough for a long time, but she only left last Monday.

Hoping that others will be able to give solid advice.

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Yesterday I told WW that I am closing the door on her along with several other things. She said she does not want it open. I did not call the rest of day Saturday and all day Sunday. She called this evening asked me how I am doing and asked me to pay some bills with money from her check. She said she'll be getting a job in GA and will help out with bills. I asked "is there anything else?" She said no and asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk with her about. I said nope and we hung up. I am not calling her anymore. She called my DD 14 right after me and talked with her for a while. At one point, my DD came out and asked DS 15 if he wanted to talk with mom. He said no (She has really hurt him by leaving). This has to hurt her bad. She was closer to him than any of the kids.

I just can't do Plan A. I feel that I've done everything I can through the last several years. And she has chosen to leave ubruptly without saying good bye. For my own mental health, I have to let go and stop trying completely. She still admits no wrong, so there is nothing to discuss.

Please comment on my Plan - At some point I will draft a letter, if necessary

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