Honestly? I wanted my WS back because we had kids, we had a new house, we had pets, we had a FUTURE... one that I had apparently been the only one planning for.

I was SHOCKED to the core when he did not want to come back, then I found a place of happiness that I did not have WITH him. I realized that I did not NEED him back, and that was it.

Once I realized I would be fine without him, it was as though the angels in heaven parted the clouds, and I saw peace. I will NEVER just brush my feelings aside JUST to be with someone. It does nothing but cause resentment.

What I learned is that I need to accept myself, and my needs, and go from there. My WS was NOT meeting any of my needs. And by ANY, I am being serious.

I had always told my H that if there ever were an A, I would divorce him right away. However, D-day plus 10 months and I don't know the answer to this question. Perhaps it was the amount of time that we had been apart prior to the A starting; or the role of mTBI and PTSD from his deployments; or the amount of time we had been married; or that by reading Dr. Harley's books I saw that there could be R; or that whenever we were together things were good, but we were apart so much from the military deployments. Don't know.

AM

Well, today is probably not a really good day to answer this question...because we battled Sat night and are only 8 weeks from DDay of A#2.

Why do I want her back?

- 20 years of memories
- love her
- love spending time with her
- kiddos, house, new pooch coming soon...lots of good memories and times
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Oh heck, this ain't working right now. Bad day to even attempt this thread. I need to go back and read SAA again and hash through some feelings of resentment. I'm grumpy. Sorry.

1. It was the best answer for our situation. A D would have destroyed our finances, broken up our home and adversely affected our children.

2. I wasn't doing a very good job as an H, and I thought I could do a much better job, if given another chance at our M.

3. I thought she was in serious personal trouble and I wanted to help.

4. I wanted to buy some time, so, if we eventually did split up, it would be at a time when I was in a better emotional state.

5. I still loved her.

On D-day.....I told her we were done!
As she opened up too me about "my" problems...and I started to work on ME....not knowing about MB or DB....she wrote "the letter".....


I looked back and thought....yes SOME things were bad...but all of it?

As I kept up my changes she got more angry.

Today......
I can't even leave the house without making my bed...LOL

I have done MY work....I barely even miss her

I tell myself....I have offered the chance numerous times...if...big IF...she came to me rite now...I would tell her she needs to find the answers....I will NOT give them to her.

I can....and mostly I am...living without her..and I see her everyday

Hope this makes sense!

I started a thread a while back that was similar but it focused on the aftermath of a WW's return. My question was, "What then?"

I feel it's human nature to pursue something very aggressively (especially as a man chasing a woman) to get her back. A sort of reconquest (if I can use that term).

But I strongly believe there is a crash for the BS after the WW returns. You can't experience something that terrible and heart wrenching and NOT have anger and resentment creep in once the WW returns and things start to normalize.

How can you not get angry when she starts to act like all is well and you're still wrestling with the trauma of her being with someeone else, etc?

I think we get caught up with the chase of getting the wayward back and overlook the fact that life can be just fine without them in it.

The ones who pay the price are the kids, who then have to deal with split homes.

But some marriages are and always have been shaky and the nature of the person/persons who are broken are too much to repair or expect to change.

My exww has psych issues and traumas which gives her personality traits which don't bode well for long term relationships.

Some WWes are in love with being in love, caught into thinking that the early stages of love is what love really is, when it isn't.

Love is a choice, not a feeling.

There's a real hard crash when a wayward returns and I was surprised to find out that the greatest obstacle to recovery, according to SH, is the BS.

I believe it.

Good post baron... I agree. Down deep, I'm always going to feel like I owe her one... hopefully I don't act on it.

Here are some reasons why I wanted my FWW back...

1. When my wife and I are "on"... I know she'll run through a brick wall for me.

2. She's a very good sex partner. (I used to deny her sex, what was I thinking??)

3. We've always had good time together... we're very compatible.

4. We've only known each other for 5 years, but we've developed quite a history together.

5. I really have no desire to go from woman to woman... why do I want to put up with some other woman's BS? (not betrayed spouse, the other B.S.)

6. I did commit to her in marriage... just trying to keep my end of the bargain.

I never wanted my Wayward back either, I wanted my H.

But after dating his OW, I realized I never really knew who my H was...I fell in love with a glimmer of a man I hardly ever saw. As far as I was concerned he lied and was a wayward throughout our entire M.

I tried to make it work for another year or two...realizing there was a heavy sex addiction behind all this. We worked on this...but you really can't be a partner with an addict, all they think of is themselves...

So I did another Plan B...no A this time, so some would argue this wasn't a Plan B...but it sure felt that way to me.

He moved out, we had limited contact as far as the kids, and he fell into an absolute heck of addiction. His apt consisted of a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room he was too ashamed to have anyone visit because it consisted of a recliner in front of a computer, an ashtray to his left, a glass and bourbon to his right. Dishes and magazines left where they lay.

It was really sad...

It took about 6 months for him to reach the bottom of what he was willing to put up with. Then he started pulling himself out, got a job, started calling the kids. At the suggestion of a poster here I encouraged him (all right, paid for) a men's weekend. He went and came back with a sense of responsibility and an ideal of what a real man was.

And since then I have seen this glimmer of a man more and more. Yes, sometimes he reverts back to old behaviors...letting me make decisions, being wishy-washy, not keeping promises, but these times are becoming less and less.

Now 3 years later and we are happy. I don't have that nagging feeling something is up...or something is not being said...or wonder what he does when I'm not around. Instead of acting childish and selfish, he is acting responsible and caring...

Now that we're here, I wonder why I put up with him for so long before... 17 years in March...oh yeah, I know why...2 kids...

I agree too that the biggest obstacle to recovery is probably the BS.

On the other hand, I don't think that I owe him one. I will not do to him what he has done to me. I'll leave him before that ever happens.

For us, me leaving, would be a bigger hurt to him since he's "All In" with me and our marriage. I'm more than meeting his EN's, and he is more than meeting mine, life's good.....most days. I do tell him though, that he will never truly 'Get It' until he it happens to him. He does try to understand though.....

I would have forgiven my wife and tried to work things out, even when she flat out lied to MC.

I knew it would be a lost cause the moment I heard her trying to have me killed on that recorder.

Yep...that would have done it for me too!

Was it the WS fog that made her want you dead or had she said that kind of thing before in your marriage?

It was her not wanting to get caught.

I was on the verge of exposure and had just threatened OM with exposure to his W.

Boy, she must have been deep in the fog.

Well, that's my selfishness speaking... If I would have known the extent of my wife's "fun"... I might have been out there myself as well. Of course, we probably wouldn't be in marriage recovery right now if that would have happened. Just speak'n the truth.

Excuse me, your wife was planning to have you killed?

So you didn't reconcile then?

You are new here, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

I would have reconciled, but I found that on the recording when I got out of the hospital over a month later.

I then threatened OM with exposure, they then conspired to leave their spouses, I exposed to OMW anyways, she dropped me off crippled on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere miles away from civilization, in the middle of freaking winter and he didn't leave his wife.

Will a spouse still have an affair even if their lovebank balance is kept high enough to be in love with their spouse? Or do they only cheat once their lovebank balance falls below the threshold of love?

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting. Please excuse my posting errors. You are all so savvy

I had to respond as the above was the crux of why it's taken over 2 years for me to recover as a BS. I was totally blindsided as we had/have an extremely loving marriage. On D-Day, my FWH immediately (without any prompting from me) contacted the OW (not in my presence) and told her NC. Even though I didn't know about MB at that point, we both did things pretty close to what the Harleys advocate without even knowing it. I didn't respond with anger -- I was just so raw and broken. That kind of raw pain when someone you love very much has died. It was the first time I saw my husband cry in 22 years of marriage -- he was so scared I would leave him. He did everything to regain trust. Would answer my endless questions, which often times would be around 2:00 or 3:00 a.m., basically whenever a thought popped into my head. The problem? In the beginning after D-Day, I asked him what I could do better or wasn't doing right, and he said there was absolutely nothing he would change about me, and our marriage counselor backed him up on this (we both think the world of our counselor). My FWH stated he loves the attention I get when we go out, and that he knew of no one sweeter. Sex was always incredible (in his words). Wonderful Mom, I've always made him feel like a king, yadayadayada. So, my daily, gut wrenching question --- whyyyyyy? Without something to "fix" I became so depressed and couldn't function for at least a year because of the fear IT (learning to trust) imposed. There was nothing I could DO.

I'm so sorry to scare anyone, but YES, even if there's a huge balance in your love bank, affairs can and do happen.

And, why did I want my wayward back? I love him so much and couldn't ever imagine life without him.

In my current marriage, this was the case. Our counselor, who used MB concepts, agreed that I was meeting all my H's needs. We had only been married for 4 months.

My H had been carrying on internet affairs the whole time I knew him. His affair[s] had nothing to do with unmet needs, but stemmed from his low character and complete lack of boundaries. He was a dirtbag, there is no other way to put it.

Nor did I want him back. I was disgusted and lost all respect when I saw what a sleaze he was.

But, he changed dramatically and is a man I respect and adore today. If he had not proven to me that he could change I would never have taken him back.

I think it is easy to think the world of your counselor under those conditions.

I think the last thing many waywards want to do is start picking apart their betrayed spouses.

It took my WW about four Harley tests over 8 years to come out with the true issues bugging her.

With me is massive LBing, Disrepectful Judgements, controlling behavior, Conversation, and lack of Domestic Support.

On my side it was SF, Affection and lack of O&H.