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#2217523 02/20/09 12:29 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
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Astarr1 Offline OP
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I am so glad i found this site....MY story is very long and very complicated....
Basically my Fiance and I have been engaged for about 4 months now and have been "Officially" together for about 9 months. When we first met our relationship started off purely platonic I had just had a baby girl from a previous relationship and he just foundout that he was ecpecting a child from another woman. Now i dont know why we continued on with so many issues but we CHOOSE to do so and HAVE in the END gotten very close and fallen in LOVE. NOW there have been issues on both ends as far as infidelity and honesty.
TIMELINE: We meet Nov. 19, 2007...hung out a couple of times, were never intimate...unitl April 1, 2008. in March of 2008 he found out that he was being deployed to Iraq. he left for mission April 28th. Now when he left we still hadnt expressed what we were or what our expectations for each other were. Not knowing where we stood i then began seeig someone else in which i realized rather quickly wasnt the person for me. Well by this time June of 2008, me and my FIANCE became officail as a committed couple, but all of this has been difficult because of both of our previous relationships. I CUT OFF all ties with my previous relationships except for my daughters father, but he didnt. He at the time was still conversing with other women via internet and phones. In affect he was giving awya emotions and time that i felt should have been reserved for me only. Well we worked throught thiis issue and agreed to START over with our relatioship and do it RIGHT...Well in Dec I found out that I was pregnant and as soon as i found out I told him. At this time We discussed all of our options and our future. At the time I wasnt quite sure if the baby was or wasnt his and we discussed that also in detail. As of today we now have confirmation that the baby isnt his. We have discussed us still staying together and working through this to continue building on what we have....BUT there are so many factors left to consider....HE tells me that he still LOVES me, but I have the thought in the back of my mine that at this point that isnt enough. I lOVE him with all of my heart and i dont want to hurt him any further.
The issue that is mainly a problem is if FAMILY: I have never meet them because of the distance and situation of our becoming a couple..(Alot of things lapped over with us..like his offical divorce, the birth of his son, the ending of the relationship w/ his son's mom) His family feels like I am the reason for the ending of the previous relationship, when in fact his son's mother was(she lied about the baby..He is not my Fiance's biologically either, she has a criminal record ect, ect)He nor I have ever really sat down with his family adn explained point by point what happened..WE always lived by What happens in our HOUSE is our Business. But NOW he has taken to reaching out to them about our situation....So to me no matter how much I talk or try to explain what happened, I am still view as the woman who tried to trap their son, brother, ect,ect.
I have apologized prfusely to my FIANCE, and his family and also My own...I have tried to convey what exactly was happening with us and me at the time and it just seems like no one understands:
In a nutshell I became pregnant after a fight that we had that centered around his son's mom and her blantant disrespect towards me...I figured We hadnt committed to each other, we hadnt even discussed a future so why should I have to deal with this woman calling my me, emailing vulgar things and harrassing me at my place of employment...Essentailly I gave him an ultimatium either get yourself situated or lose whatever it is we are trying to build.....In time he and I corrected our issues and have grown stonger as a couple, but NOw that I am due to have this baby I dont know where we stand, as far as us staying to together.
I just think that it is so ironic that I CHOOSE to put up with all of his issues before and after we had committed to each other and I cant even get an honest answer as to how, if, we can work through this.....
ANY ADVICE PLEASE help


Love is Heart
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Astarr1 Offline OP
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Sorry I left out some things that might also help:
I am 25, have a 16 month old daughter, I have a BS in Biological Sciences and a BA in Psychology, A MS in Behavorial Sciences and am working on getting a M.D. to practice medicine.. Right now I have a State JOB at a non-profit ageny in a small, military town. I have very supportive family and friends.
He his a 31 yr old divorcee has one son with a third woman and his currently in his 11th year of militray service-(deployed). From what I've seen and know he has family support but has never really been that close to anyone but his MOM. Since he went so long without children all of his older siblings just expected alot from him financially.
Now we both have pretty good credit and get along GREAT...and I cant imagine my life before or after him.

I would also like to express that I KNOW this is an added STRESS for him because he is deployed and I never meant for him to have to deal with this...


Love is Heart
Joined: Oct 2000
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Astarr,

I am a bit confused here. You write this post as if the issues are with your fiance, yet, to me it would seem they are on both sides as far as infidelity. The main point that made me feel this way is this (especially the bold areas):

Quote
Not knowing where we stood i then began seeig someone else in which i realized rather quickly wasnt the person for me. Well by this time June of 2008, me and my FIANCE became officail as a committed couple, but all of this has been difficult because of both of our previous relationships. I CUT OFF all ties with my previous relationships except for my daughters father, but he didnt. He at the time was still conversing with other women via internet and phones. In affect he was giving awya emotions and time that i felt should have been reserved for me only. Well we worked throught thiis issue and agreed to START over with our relatioship and do it RIGHT...Well in Dec I found out that I was pregnant and as soon as i found out I told him. At this time We discussed all of our options and our future. At the time I wasnt quite sure if the baby was or wasnt his and we discussed that also in detail. As of today we now have confirmation that the baby isnt his.


I am a wife of a retired military man and the life is NOT easy. We have had many difficult times and are still working through issues, but it is worth it in our book. Marriage isn't a cake walk, it is hard work on both sides.

The question I believe many here have is how far along are you in the pregnancy and who's the father? How do you know he's not the father of the baby? If you truly love this man, and he truly loves you, you HAVE to deal with the issues with a strong pro-marriage counselor. There is already a lot of separate baggage coming into this relationship that can cause your M(marriage) to fail if not dealt with before you say I DO. Too many people today treat a M as valuable as the paper it is written on, and can just throw it away, but it is meant for a life time, that's why the vows include "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health".

Here's a few questions that could help us help you with some advice:

1. And I guess this is most important, because you were a bit vague, are you still pregnant/when are you due?

2. Does the bio-father of this child know of your pregnancy?

3. When will your F(fiance) be done with his deployment?

With answers to those questions, we can begin somewhere and hopefully help you learn how to build a solid foundation for your future.

I do find it curious the additional information you provided. Some of the facts really don't and shouldn't matter in the support you are looking for, such as your credit information and education. I'm not saying to remove it, I just don't personally find that helpful because infidelity hits ALL walks of life, no matter what family support you have or what your credit score or bank accounts look like. The only thing that I've found from my own experience here and in life is that infidelity is MUCH more common in families of military or PD/FD personal. Second to that is of the medical field. I've found this is most likely true because of the time away from the family that the person in that work field is required to take. As I said before, find a good, solid, pro-marriage counselor and get a solid foundation BEFORE you get married! Don't just jump into it, especially right now, when your F gets home from his deployment. You HAVE to spend the time NOW for that foundation or it will become rotted and then what will you have?

Just some things to think about. Welcome to MB(Marriage Builders), take some time to read anything and everything you can on this site, and feel free to ask as many questions as you can.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)

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