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I posted quite a bit in the fall when H and I decided to rebuild after 1-1/2 month physical separation and he had started a relationship with someone else. We were doing well, I thought, until Feb 9 when it came out that the relationship never stopped. D day was horrible - I knew there was something off and insisted on access to all email addresses. He gave them, and I found MORE than I ever wanted to know - naked pics she emaioed, mention of his suprising her the night he came back from Cuba and how much love they shared. Spent two weeks in complete hell, tried to get answers of why and how could you... Only to hear, I am confused, fencesitting, cake eating etc.

Three days ago I went into Plan B - wrote a letter, etc. I think it was a good letter, and he responded by phone, he loved me, cried, but can't give me what I want right now. How good it felt to hear my voice, etc. That he is here for me if ANYTHING comes up that I ever need anything and he will love me until the end of his life, but can't give up her as he doesn't know....

I said - no - you need to feel the total absence of me in your life, I am not giving up on us, I want to spend my life with you, but have to protect my love as I can't watch what you are doing, etc. And I said I do not know where my head will be down the road - I may move on by then, or not - but don't contact me in anyway unless you are prepared to meet conditions I've set.

So... here I sit. I cry on the way home, I taking sleeping pills to get any miserable sleep. Am trying to take care of me and kids - planning to move closer to family and friends, have a spa trip planned, focussing on work which helps. I just need to believe that a very DARK plan B will bring him back. I need to believe that it is the best chance we've got. My family and friends think I crazy - he isn't worth it, but I love him, really love him. There is no pill you can taked to make that go away. Our false recovery was my Plan A, and I think it made an impact as he said it was really wonderful and he meant everything he said. BUT he continued to F*&^ her didn't he?

I have to push the obsessive thoughts I have of the emails out of my mind - how she calls him BABE in a sultry voice on the phone. How she lives two streets away, while I am now an hour away. He says I am on his mind everyday. I'm just a mess.

Help!!! Everyday is SO hard. I want to call but stop myself, it's been two days totally dark and it's been hell. God, one day at a time is really really really painful.


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Oh gosh {{{{{{{{{{{{Chryss}}}}}}}}}}}

I can just feel that pain and sadness inside. I'm sorry you are hurting.

I went into Plan B because people on here told me it was my ONLY choice to SAVE my M. I was willing to go to ANY length to fight for my M, even if it meant letting him go and letting the A die down.

Believer, the rock solid woman who says A almost ALWAYS END.

Plan B was so hard for me. I missed my H so much and to willingly put myself in a place where I wasn't going to see him possibly for the rest of my life. OY VEY...

But desperate measures takes desperate actions and I trusted G-d and the people on here.

In the end it was the BEST thing I could do. I was forced to work on myself and still need to. I'm a project in the works for sure still. But I got that elusive peace in my life which I treasure. I was out of the chaos. I am healing day by day. I still have my moments.

Unfortunately this all takes time. It's our best friend and it's the worst friend. You are so right, this addict would like nothing better to have that magic pill to take and make it better, but you can't. You get to crawl your way back to survival and life and you can do it by coming here, being honest with yourself and just TRUSTING G-d. He will lead you to healing. He wants that for you.

I need to be honest with you as so many were with me. Plan B is NOT about bringing him back. For sure that's the benefit, but it's about you healing you, preserving the love you have for him and when and if the day comes where recovery can begin, you will have the strength to go out and work hard. Plan B can't be a punishment. You are taking the risk that he won't be back. You HAVE to be willing to take that risk.

My WH's A it seems just broke up. There is movement of some kind. But on March 17, 08 it will be ONE YEAR since I faced my H and said ONE WORD to him. I have been about as DARK as one can get. Did Plan B work? I don't know... I'm still walking in FAITH with G-d. Did Plan B work, ABSOLUTELY YES, because the woman who was destroyed two years ago doesn't exist. A new woman, we call her Queenie, and she is something amazing who has learned that I might not get my husband back, but I can survive.

You'll be ok. Trust the process, rely on the love and compassion here and walk with G-d.




BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Thank you so much for your reply. It's 3am here and I'm struggling to cope tonight. I read on a site that when you obsess about him with her, you should try to visualize a big red "STOP" sign, to get off that track. It helps a bit. And I journal everyday - I've written what I would say to him about all the hurt and pain, and I've written what I would love him to say to me if he came back. It has helped in the darkest moments.

But in the meantime, you wait. You check your voicemail, you check your email, you try to keep busy, you try to improve yourself, you try to believe there will be someone else that could make you feel like he did. It' just so empty.

Dreaming of him being beside me at night, and I roll over and wrap my arms over him only to find it isn't real.... that is so hard because it's so real. I can actually feel his skin....

Love really is a losing game isn't it?

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I don't know that I can say anything meaningful to help you, Chrys. I too, can read how much pain you're in. I am sorry. I am so very sorry.

Do you have a support network of any kind there? Friends, family, neighbors, anyone who can come to you?

Continued prayers for you.

hug


Me (FWW): 45
BH: 46
M: 11/94
PA: 2/08 (4 mos)
Confessed: 10/08
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Thank you Looking4 and Queenie. My family is far away, and my close friends are also - although they are in the area I am hoping to relocate to later in the spring. We'll see if the house sells in this market.

Queenie, I've seen so many people follow your posts, and you truly inspire so many women hear to grow stronger and find their sense of self again. I can see how strong you are when you say it has been almost one year of a very Dark B. Even over holidays... you must have suffered so much...

Chryss has definitely not learned how to love herself. Chryss feels like someone ripped open and tore out everything inside of her, and left her to walk around bleeding all over the floor every day.

I know I did a bad job of meeting ENs - but over the four months of FR, I was very different, and he said he noticed. He also said that he felt inferior to me - and that hurts, as I always leaned on him. Over the past three years, he was my major support in working to complete my Masters, and then to successly attain a promotion that increased my income well above his. I worked toward this to make our lives easier/better. Now, he feels threatened by this, and found someone who has nothing, 3 kids, and is basically a simpleton. He said it is easy with her because he gives her 5 minutes and its enough. What is that? Is that love? I think she worships him and his ego is being stroked in a major way. He says he is intimidated by me and can't talk to me - only since I've been in my new professional role. I interact daily with corporate presidents and he is two years from retiring as a labourer at a steel company. AND I NEVER CARED ABOUT THAT! Obviously he did. SF was always very passionate, and time together without the kids was like we were soulmates. We had a lot of problems blending our families, lots of history there, and we hurt eachother a lot. But we both loved eachother, and he truly seems to be suffering at walking away. He says his heart loves me, and he aches so much for me, but his head has lost that feeling. Is this the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech with a new twist?

I live in the house we shared. I still think of it as ours and certain things as his -although everything here I guess is now just mine. I look at all the rose bushes and lilies he gave me for our garden. I look at the beautiful stone patio we laid in our garden last summer. His workbench in the garage is empty.
He took our bed, thank god, because I couldn't bear it if it were here, but I wonder - do they sleep in it?

I have to stop that. He need to go play out his little fantasy, and I need to do things to grow and get strong. I am even scared that if I do that, then I WILL move on and not be willing if he comes back. And I'm scared to do that,I don't want to do that.

Please - anyone who has actually been successful with Plan B in recovery their marriage???? I know there are a few out there - it would be so helpful to hear from you.... THANK YOU!!!!!!!

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Chryss, why not try Plan B?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi C,

sorry for your pain, I've been where your at, a few times.

Your H is only telling you those things to justify why he is doing what he's doing, he sounds like a victim, whinning about why your where your at and he's not, he found a simple girl to make him feel better, blah blah blah, its babble, don't listen to that. If the tables were turned and you were "simple" and she was his boss, he'd be singing the same tune but the other way around, trust me.
Plan B will be about recovering you. Before I knew about this site, I did a plan B, it did recover me, not watching what H was doing, not listening to his babble, not seeing how he was looking good, basically not getting involved in his stuff, and not being addicted to the whole scheme of it, thats what its about, working on you.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Hi Melody
I am on my third day of Plan B. And I'm really struggling through it. I keep telling myself the mantra of - it's our best chance to recover....

It's just my stages of grief are WICKED. I am angry one day (actually a great feeling as it feels empowering) then in denial another (he couldn't really be doing this to us), then depressed another day (life will never be good again). It's just the intensity of the emotions is more than anything I have ever ever experienced in my life. Worse than any of the other crises I've lived through - and there have been many. I see the value of Plan B - and hopefully with no possibility of seeing/talking to me, he is feeling my absence. It's just that it feels like I'm on a phone call and he put me on "hold", and I'm waiting for him to pick up again. I NEED time to pass, the pain to lessen and to get stronger. I NEED that because 1) I am useless to myself like this, and 2) what a very unattractive mess of a package I am for him to want to be with.

I almost want to kick people who say "Fake it til you make it". Yeah, easy words, hard hard reality.

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Originally Posted by Chryss
Hi Melody
I am on my third day of Plan B. And I'm really struggling through it. I keep telling myself the mantra of - it's our best chance to recover....

Chryss, but this is not Plan B:

Quote
Three days ago I went into Plan B - wrote a letter, etc. I think it was a good letter, and he responded by phone, he loved me, cried, but can't give me what I want right now. How good it felt to hear my voice, etc. That he is here for me if ANYTHING comes up that I ever need anything and he will love me until the end of his life, but can't give up her as he doesn't know....

Plan B is NO CONTACT. How many times have you been in contact with him? You also stated that you were waiting and checking email, etc. Are you waiting for contact FROM HIM?

See, Plan B means no contact and complete avoidance of contact. He is not allowed to get through.

So, did you send him a letter telling him NO CONTACT and then have contact with him right after? Because that is not Plan B, that is just confusing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you Doingfine. Then I guess I have to package all the words and emails he's sent and treat them as "fogbabble". Because I go over them in my mind a million times a day. It is like trying to walk on water - he told me this is what was wrong, and I fix it, then I take a step and there's no ground there. So he tells me something else, and I do it, and I take a step and again I sink. I am going to take everything said over the past months, and bundle it all together and label it "Fogbabble". Period.

There is some relief in not have new and shocking discoveries to rip my heart out everyday by being in Plan B. Not that I don't wonder, not that I don't want to get up at 1am and drive to his city to see if his car in in her driveway. How pathetic - I did that once - he wasn't there. But it didn't help, because the next night I was in the same position again.

It HAS to be HIM who decides. That's been the hardest part. I CANNOT do anything about what he is doing. WoW - imagine my surprise.....

I do wonder however, if Plan B isn't just a bit of a cat and mouse game - you know, just playing psychologically to make them want what they cannot have. Are emotions really that bloody simple??

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Hi Melody
Sorry - it sounded confusing - my plan B letter was an email, sent from a computer that completely crashed with a virus the next day. I received 3 delivery notifications. of failed delivery of his email. I called to see if he had received an email from me. Had the final conversation after that as he had received it. And then, nothing - no contact, no email, nothing. I left it that I wasn't giving up on us, loved him, but had to protect my feelings for him by having no contact in any way. Unless he comes to a point of deciding to invest 100% in us and meeting some conditions I had outlined earlier.

That is it. Completely DARK since that call. So, yes I think I'm in Plan B. I guess I just check my voicemail and Email in case he's had some great epiphany...... not realistic I know. Just wishful thinking.....

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gotcha! Do you have an intermediary? And how will you know when he has an epiphany if you aren't taking his calls? Do you plan on taking all his calls to find out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have call display at work and at home, and intend on letting them all go to voicemail. I think if it becomes too painful to hear his voice if he calls, I will have someone else listen and convey his messages. As far as email, I haven't planned how I'll react. So, in plan B, if he emails me and just says "How are you" in a months time, and I to IGNORE it? Would that not just drive him away? Or, should I have someone tell him that I won't respond until he is ready to work on us? As far as an intermediary, my friends think I am completely NUTS, as they are all married and swear they would kick him to the curb. (Yeah, that's what I used to say...)

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Well, the goal of Plan B *IS* to drive him away. I would make plans to block his emails entirely.

To be honest, Chryss, since you have been dealing with this for 3+ years now, I would probably file for divorce. Since he has been getting away with using and abusing you for so many years, he has been TRAINED to mistreat you. I don't see him changing at all. He feels that there is nothing you can do to stop him, and he doesn't seem to worry about you divorcing him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Chryss, are you married to him?

And how is your son doing? Is he still with you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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We have been engaged/common-law for 11 years - truly committed to eachother as a married couple. Both wore a band, etc. Second marriages for both, so the "paper" was something that held less value to us then the commitment. In our minds, we were married.

My son is still with me - doing better some ways, worse other. Will be 18 next month, and the things I have tolerated will end and he will be moving out with a friend then. Long story, but best thing for all, including my daughter. Yes,he is BP, but also totally "entitled", disrespectful, non-contributing, out of school, gangs of kids smoking up in my house while I work, etc.
Tough love time.....

I know it's been 3+ years, and lots of conflict. Lot's of not having the skills to resolve conflict. I contributed my share a lot - lots of AO's, DJ's, almost daily. He withdrew. Would reach out once in a while only to have his hand slapped back. Time away late last summer, separate houses, gave us space to breathe and we came back together in a new way (I thought) in late Sept. Little did Iknow, he found a bed warmer.

I know, it sounds weak and pitiful, but "I love him". Simple but not so simple. I'm not a stupid woman, not a weak woman. But, this emotion I can't seem to turn off even if I wanted.


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Your story sounds so much like mine..I love you and always will, but not like that..I don't regret our time together..blah, blah, blah.
I am working on Plan B myself..I have to have some limited contact due to getting things out of my house..but I feel like you do..wondering..like I am on hold too waiting for him to resume conversation.
I have heard the 'kick him to the curb' thing too, but when you love someone this deeply you can't do that.
I hope with all my heart that you heal and that he comes to his senses for you. You sound like a giving and caring person who only wanted the best for your family.
I too have been told that I am too strong, that he doesn't feel like a man..but he was MY ROCK..did he not know that? I told him everyday how much I love and need him..
Maybe one day both you and I will be in a better state, feeling like a person again..off this roller coaster of emotion.
I guess fate will determine our futures.


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Originally Posted by Chryss
We have been engaged/common-law for 11 years - truly committed to eachother as a married couple. Both wore a band, etc. Second marriages for both, so the "paper" was something that held less value to us then the commitment. In our minds, we were married. We have been engaged/common-law for 11 years - truly committed to eachother as a married couple. Both wore a band, etc. Second marriages for both, so the "paper" was something that held less value to us then the commitment. In our minds, we were married.

Chryss, the reason I asked is because I can TELL you both have renters/freeloaders attitudes, which is very typical in live in situations. He is not committed in any sense of the word, as is evidenced by his actions and by his failure to even bother to get married.

The reason these kind of arrangements have such a high failure rate is because shacking up is a TEST, rather than a committment. It is a TEST to see if one is compatible. It is analogous to the difference between renting a house and buying a house. The buyer will do what it takes to keep the house in good repair, the renter or freeloader is just there until something better comes along. In a real committment, the participants do what it takes to keep up the house. In a freeloaders situation, the folks are just around until something better comes along.

That is what has happened with your boyfriend. Since he is a free agent, and is not committed, he has moved on when something better came along.

Dr. Harley has some real good articles about living together that might be helpful: Living Together Before Marriage


Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hi Melody
In a practical sense, I understand what you are saying. I would beg to differ in some respects, as we had our lives, rrsp's, pensions, life insurance, mortgages, children's lives, etc. completely intertwined. There was no "easy" walking away.

We had our wedding planned a couple of years ago at an inn in Nova Scotia, but several key people couldn't make it, and we postponed. BUT, I at least was not renting. Maybe he was. He has often said, that he would marry me any second if I said NOW. It just truly didn't mean anything to me. My parents divorced in an ugly mess, my first marriage failed due to mental illness and the logistics of ending it were horribly destructive to me psychologically. He was my husband in my heart, and I was his wife. In fact, it meant more to me, as I felt that I knew I wanted to be there totally, rather than just because of a piece of paper that said so. Sorry if this offends anyone with a different view of their vows - just had been burned more than once.

I hope you are not saying that I can't come here for support, because I am in dire need of it right now.

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Quote
I do wonder however, if Plan B isn't just a bit of a cat and mouse game - you know, just playing psychologically to make them want what they cannot have. Are emotions really that bloody simple??


no, that is not what plan B is.

There are two parts to plan B; the main part is, if you have no contact, period, zippo, none, then you are not in THIER STUFF, your not addictng yourself to what they are and are not doing, you have no idea, hopefully you won't care what they are doing, and if they aren't in contact with you it dosen't keep the fire going, them saying things that are hurtful, you hearing them and trying to make sense of them, you seeing them and it breaking your heart, then if they never come back, which is a possibility, you have already started to get over them.
the second part is; hopefully, (if you still want the marriage) the WS starts to miss you, they want to hear your voice, they want to see your face, and then maybe they start doing the things they need to do to get you back.
Plan B isn't a game, it is to help you, trust me, and it will, without plan B, they can just wander in and out with their drama and know that you'll be there to hear it, and see it, not good.
I don't know one person that ever regretted plan B when it was done correctly.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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