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Well I thought I'd start a recovery thread. Just about fuming.

This is my rant, just need to get it out of my system.

H (doesn't feel very D at this mo) doing night [censored] tonight so has been asleep all day.

I took the kids off to school etc adn then went to work. Finished at 1.15 came home intending to jump on the Xtrainer (which is being stored in my garage for my sis), ate my sandwich quick while having a quick browse on here.

My sis calls just as I'm taking my last bite to see if I'm going to see them (they live round the corner). She spent Sunday night and most of mon in hospital with 10month old with croup - a scary time.

I had spent that time very frustrated that I couldn't do anything to help so was keen to go and see them both. So I did. I not only helped them by taking babe for a long walk so that sis could recover sleep/catch up with her washing but got my exercise.

Picked kids up from school at 3 and went straight to swimming pool,got home at 5.

Came in to sulking H who was cooking tea as agreed so that he could get to work on time.

Full of DJ's about my attitude to family life and why hadn't I emptied the washing machine and dishwasher etc AOing all over the place.

I calmly explained my time but he wasn't interested.

He was v angry that I'd visited the MB website and has threatened to block it. I didn't rise to his rantings I just kept my cool and explained my point of view - not that he listened or cared. Apologised for not being able to read his mind about the jobs I was expected to do today.

We gave each other a peck good bye and then he had another huge huff and puff and sulk as he went (I'm guessing because I didn't go up and give him a huge hug and say "love you darling" Strange that I don't feel like huggin him when he has just yelled at me and called me names.) asked what I was doing tonight? To which I answered "band" and he huffed again.


Now I must add that this is a different band in a different town to the one that FOM goes to and H has never had a problem before and our recovery has been going swimmingly - I'm guessing he was put out because he wanted to phone later and discuss teatimes outburst and the real reason behind it.

I hate it when he gets angry and I feel tearful. Had I imagined in anyway that I might upset him by going to see my sick niece I wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, there. Rant over.

I have emailed him just to let him know how I feel and just explaining my day again (in nice polite, unconfrontational prose).


ST

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Calm has descended. DH just phoned form work to apologise, even before he read my email. He has just read my email and it didn't annoy him.

Hooray! maybe we are getting better at this communicating thing.




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and today we are still not quite right me and H have been talking and he thinks he has identified that he is frustrated about holding off on diy so that we can spend time together. I'm not sure how to get around that one.

and he has been taking out his frustrations on DS5 which is breaking my heart and making me really angry as I have to keep stepping in - he just argues with her and won't tolerate her getting upset


and then mum was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer today... her and dad have just been here playing scrabble with me

and DH is round with my BIL having a beer.

I was sad that he didn't offer to be with me this evening until 5 mins before he went

I dropped hints that i wanted him to stay but I didn't ask him - hoped he would offer. I think mum and dad came round so that I wasn't alone.

I didn't really want him to stay anyway because he had been so grumpy to DS

now i'm sad and I know who would have been available to talk to - but we won't go there

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What do we do?
I did boob, fri when i got my text msg about my mum I didn't tell him- not deliberately but he wasn't there - our friends were and I didn't notice he wasn't, so he found out 10mins later when I was discussing it with the friends (another couple). That obviously hurt him and it was careless of me but I was reeling, I don't tink I'd prepared myself for the news.

All day yesterday I kept being told how crap I was handling the news just constant DJ and then he started having a go because I didn't have a full time job. Totally out of the blue - why pick yesterday when all we're trying to do is focus on mum and her needs and all of our needs as we come to terms with the journey ahead. 12 of us family went to the beach. I kept being patient and he just kept geting angry at me and in his words because he knows he's crapp and doesn't know how to handle me when i'm sad. I told him I just needed him to be there and for us just to get by being friendly to each other and the kids. Thing is I wouldn't have been outwardly sad if I didn't feel so destroyed by his constant outbursts and wanting to protect mum from our probs. We'd all been so chuffed at how well it's going.

I am trying to be positive, I keep listening, i keep giving him his chance. He's stressed about money, he's stressd about the house being untidy. AO after AO after AO and I just keep staying calm and stopping myself with DJs and trying to meet his ENs when he lets me near because I want this to work.

He's now callling me a mug for wanting to be with him. And this morning he threw my sons wee'd on pj's in my face and as I let my bottow lip wobble he came a grabbed them and stuffed them really aggressively under the pillow i was lying on whilst of course calling me names.

He has now apologised again, just that - a hug and I'm sorry. I appreciate both but when is he next going to attack and how do I get to the bottom of the prob???

This is how he was before the A. I'm stronger now, I'm not going down that route again but what do I do?

BTW he really doesn't like MBs anymore and appreciates what it has done for us with the A but doesn't want me reading anymore or posting.

ST

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ST,

I'm sorry this is so hard right now. There are several other threads on the site that may be helpful for you like Looking4's. It seems like you had a rough M before the A but I can tell you that 18mo A confessed 3mo's ago, does not equal a BS who is recovered. I am sure your BH is still in incredible pain, I forget how the timeline is supposed to work but I would guess you have a long road ahead before this will be fixed.




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Do you know what. I really wish I thought it was the A that is causing us the prob right now. He never shows any signs that that is what bothers him and I sometimes ask him if he wants to talk but he doesn't. He doesn't bring up the A in is AOs. And he is the type of person that would - he says it if it needs saying.

He has mentioned it once when I have tried to reassure him that he is giving me emotional support and he quite calmly with no malice or anger in his tone said - OM is much better than me at this, you should give him a call. No sarcasm. Maybe just a slight sadness because he didn't feel he could do the job. But he can - if he lets himself and I've told him that over and over.

This afternoon he has been trying to be nice, but I'm drained. I'm just not sure what is best for the kids and mum.

ST

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Originally Posted by staytogether
To which I answered "band" and he huffed again.


Now I must add that this is a different band in a different town to the one that FOM goes to

You really have no clue how your husband feels about your betrayal do you?

'Band' should have been given up on D-Day!

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Hey iam,

Thank you for your opinion.

I think I do have a grasp on the betrayal: through working through this, reading other BS posts and through reflection. Maybe DH is still BS foggy but he really does not seem even 10% as bothered as some of the posters here.

My H wanted me to continue at the band with OM initially - couldn't bear the thought of me giving it up. I had to keep stressing how important it was that I didn't go.

I discovered later that his huff about band that you quoted was because he knew that he would miss some of his tea break with the lads if we were to have our usual telephone catch up that evening - I arrive home from band at the same time.

Even if I wanted to give up this new band DH would not allow it and I would if he wanted me to. It is doing no harm at all.

DH will read this as he does all my posts

ST

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staytogether,

I am concerned that your H has decided to take my path. I'm a BH, my WW was crazy during the A which I knew about from nearly the beginning. I expressed little anger since I was convinced she would leave and the children would lose there mother. Instead, I just closed her out of my mind and heart. Outwardly I was a model H, although her mother MIL realized what I was up to she did not. When I was in my plan I was completely unemotional about the A or the denials she kept issuing. In fact, I never mentioned it again until nearly 10 years later.


Me 42 BS
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Divorced 10/14/2008
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D 18
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S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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Thank you 6yl

I will keep this in mind. We have just had a big discussion about our priorities in life. He thinks we are incompatible because I want to spend time/money enjoying each others company and DD,DS. He wants to spend time and money on material things - home improvements, new car. Our agendas have always been pretty much the same except before children we could afford both time and money to pursue both of our objectives in life.

As part of this discussion I asked whether our inability to come together on this had anything to do with the A, but he keeps saying no, but he does have concerns that he doesn't measure up with the emotional support. I keep telling him that I wouldn't let him before and that now he can as long as he doesn't put pressure on himself to.

We have a stressful couple of weeks coming up as mum starts her treatment and we're due to go away for a weekend - our last not sure how many holidays have had lots of disastorous moments (he'd say they were all disastorous full stop but I'm more of a glass half full girl)

I think we will be able to negotiate but we are really finding it difficult to see where each other is coming from.

I hae tried to make him feel secure - he knows how determined i am to stay with him.

Any ideas what would have helped you to open up about it?

ST

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ST,

For me, specific questions with open ended answers work best at prying me open. You know something like "Can you tell me how you think our lives will be when the children are grown?". I'm not good at direct lies but I'm freaking fantastic at bottling everything up. So if I was asked those kind of probing questions I would have given some clues.

I'm not sure how to get emotion out of him, I almost never show angry or hurt emotions and I am uncomfortable with expressing them. I usually remain calm (outwardly) until I can get off to the gym and blow off some steam. Of course, once you know me if I say I need to go do some sparring, then you will know I am angry or upset.



Last edited by 6yearsleft; 03/09/09 06:15 PM.

Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
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D 18
D 16
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Thanks 6yl

Will try some of the open ended questions. H has no prob showing anger and resentment usually grumble just whe it comes to the A.

Things are looking up -he's just sent kisses by email smile

ST


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Hi staytogether,

I've caught up a bit on your posts. I see that you mentioned the DV before but it seems that because you linked it to the affair it was not focused upon.

Okay, so uncoupling it from the affair, what did it involve?

I understand the feelings of being too ashamed to talk about things. I have felt this way about events in my own marriage; not violence, but how bad things got between us at various times. We would not speak for days, and just bfeore the affair had not been intimate for two years. I only ever told one friend that I was having any kind of problems because we had to cancel lunch with her after I walked out the house and took the kids to a hotel for the night.

I see H has been to anger management classes and is doing really well. I don't know anything about strategies for his anger; I take it that "treatment" is lifelong? That, like an alcoholic, he is never "cured"? Would it be a mistake to think that he has conquered his problem and that you can argue normally again? (Not that you should argue ever again, now that you have Dr Harley to guide you!)


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Thanks for following up over here SC

I think it is a misplaced outlet for stress. When he hits one of these moods it's like he is posessed for several days and everything - and I mean everything is wrong.

He has only struck me 2x in 3 years but he has also pinned me up and down more often and has threatened violence on several occasions and the verbal abuse was at times relentless.

During the A i felt in part responsible for his treatment of me which was why I didn't escape the M (depite the fact that it had started well before).

But in August I couldn't take any more and was going to leave - he begged me to stay and did more work and has been brill - until this last weekend...

I think I have been missing his need for admiration ( I think it is more of a priority for him than he thinks)

So he has been fine for 4 months whilst the A was going on and 3 months since dday.

I think you're right the anger does need constant work, but I can't find that support out there. I need to wait until he comes out of this dark one and suggest he does another session. He's totally horrified when he wakes out of it.
our needs are taken into consideration and have been trying to POJA. To be honest I think once LBs and ENs are being sorted there is very little arguing to be done.

ST


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st, you might have been asked this question before, but I have not read everything you've written yet:

You describe moods that come in cycles. To someone who knows nothing about mental illness, that sounds like depression. Have you both considered this possibility?

Are you telling me that you've lived with abuse (verbal) that lasts for days at a time and that you can do nothing to shake him out of? For how long has this been going on?


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Thanks SC. Yeah that is the conclusion we've come too.

I knew it very very early on in our relationship - I think I saw it as a challenge (doh!) In the early years it was infrequent. As the pressure piled on - career, home ownership, children, house moves it was becoming more frequent up until last August.

We both have a sneaky suspicion that he maybe bi-polar but that takes such a long time to get a diagnosis and I'm not sure whether we'd be any better off once we got that.

Yes, I do live with abuse that last for days at a time and all I ccan do is be patient, keep it away from DS and DD and keep myself positive and intact.

ST

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st, I'm an absolute ignoramous here but that is not all you can do, nor, surely, what you should be doing. You cannot hope to keep this away from your son and daughter until...when? Until they are grown up and out of the house? - and what about your need for a safe existence and happy marriage?

Surely if you got a diagnosis, even if it fell short of bipolar, you would be better off because your H would get mood-stabilising treatment.

This is not really a post-affair issue (and I'm useless at helping people with that, anyway). However, I know that there are people here who have faced this issue with a spouse. I'm sure you can get some knowledgeable advice here if you put out a shout - perhaps start a quick thread on GQII asking people with bi-polar experience to come to this one.

st, think that if you told H's doctor about the physical and verbal abuse you have lived with, he or she would arrange a speedy referral to a psychiatrist. You owe it to your children to ensure your own safety, and a GP would understand that.



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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You cannot hope to keep this away from your son and daughter until...when? Until they are grown up and out of the house? - and what about your need for a safe existence and happy marriage?


I know I can't keep it away form them but maybe we can try to show them how to cope with it effectively. We do try to explain things to them - if they need to know. For now I think i'll avoid your second question, but thank you for asking.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
This is not really a post-affair issue (and I'm useless at helping people with that, anyway). However, I know that there are people here who have faced this issue with a spouse. I'm sure you can get some knowledgeable advice here if you put out a shout - perhaps start a quick thread on GQII asking people with bi-polar experience to come to this one.

I think I do see it as intertwined with the affair although I know it is wrong to justify the A with DV, I do struggle to separate them.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
st, think that if you told H's doctor about the physical and verbal abuse you have lived with, he or she would arrange a speedy referral to a psychiatrist. You owe it to your children to ensure your own safety, and a GP would understand that.

We did do. We went together last August. The Doc agreed he was depressed and stressed and sent him to the counsellor who saw him and put him on a computer course to deal with stress depression and anger. He was s'posed to go back to the counsellor after the course but because he was "better" didn't.

I've suggested he goes back but he won't. Says he doesn't want to see counsellors for the rest of his life. I can put up with it or f*** off. He says he's learning to deal with it much better and they are decreasing in number.

Thing is the bits in between are good - we are a fantastic team we work together and we achieve. He is amazing with the children and really makes an effort to do his bit.

I want him to be better - I guess having an A didn't help him or me. I want the marriage to work.

I so want the marriage to work and maybe me trying so hard is putting the pressure on him and contributing to the length of this bout.

I like to work at things, I like to think I'm doing everthing I can - maybe I need to try and see when everything is just far too much.

ST

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st, forgive me for not replying sooner. I had no internet access yesterday.

I think you must get a more active discussion going with people who have lived with bp in the family - not just with spouses. I have read many threads here about this issue. I'm good at finding and reading old threads so when I have time I will bump one for you.

When I said that the bp/depression was not a marriage-building issue I meant that the treatment of it was not among the Harley writings, but you are completely correct about its relationship to your marriage pre- and post-affair.

The non-MB discussion is about how bp/depression affects interaction within the family. There is also the issue of whether depression should be treated with drugs as a matter of routine, or whether drugs should be avoided in favour of exercise, counselling and other therapies. Certainly if your GP tries to use a non-drug approach then that could be a good thing. I certainly would not condemn him for having sent your H to a counsellor as a first step, last year.

However, I agree entirely that the bp/depression and related DV has everything to do with your marriage and the affair - and the recovery you are attempting now.

I just cannot see how you can successfully give your H the kind of recovery you would like to give him if he is too ill to receive it. I don't think it can be enough for you to get on well during his good periods; the down periods sound frightening to me, even though he seems to have done well with anger management. NOT hitting you is surely not the only issue, vital though that is. It sounds as if he has not hit you for months and you do not fear it too much nowadays, and yet you and the children have a miserable time for days while he is down. Surely no marriage should just adjust itself to those circumstances.

I understand and agree with your point about showing your children that difficulties can be coped with and overcome. I think we're all trying to do that in overcoming the affairs in our marriages, and many of us (like me) are unlearning bad behaviours such as shouting, rudeness and nagging. If I can show my children that happiness comes in overcoming marital difficulties, and not from walking away or shutting down, I shall be delighted.

Sorry, I've suddenly got to go, but I hope you can see where I was planning to go with this!

Back later.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
st, forgive me for not replying sooner. I had no internet access yesterday.

Hi Sc

Please don't apologise.

Originally Posted by SugarCane
so when I have time I will bump one for you.


Thank you, I'll pull my finger out and have a look too.

I'm not sure whether I'm strong enough at the mooment to run with this - feel like being a bit ostrich like. He is being ever so friendly and apologetic again now and looking forward - something that he has been totally incapable of for the last week.

It just seems so easy to forget about it again til next time.

I will make a docs appt. though. He doesn't want to carry forward with this himself but he didn't object to me going to the doc to talk about him. That reminds me I never did get round to making that hair appt today.

Thanks for listening SC

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