Ok, I need a WW to try to shine some light on my situation:

Why do WW's have such a hard time getting over the OM after knowing how wrong and bad it was (OM M 11 years 2 kids)?

Why would a WW not want to work things out if there is NC with the OM?
(Please just assume there is NC for this question)

Why does a WW have such a hard time "Falling back in love" after being together for 7 years and married 5 1/2 of it?

How long has NC been?

Just looked at some of my first posts, i reckon it was about a month after NC that I woke up and fell out of love with the OM. I can't deny that I occasionally miss bits of the A - admiration and affection but only really when H is LBing big time. But have absolutely no desire to make contact. (3months on)

I started to fall back in love with DH though, prob before. It was just a case of spending time with him alone doing things - not sat in front of TV, both of us having opportunities to do things for each other and talk to each other adn listen to each other and being totally honest with each other.

I don't know why a WW would not want to work things out if there is NC unless she has realised that her M is abusive or just wrong or unless she is truly selfish and wants to be her own woman.

LBs are the things that I found hard to get by when falling back in love, in particular AOs.

I'm not sure this will help

ST

H4L,

It looks like (just by your timeline) that your WW has only been NC for 2 months or so which would equal out to be the same as me.

I can tell you where I am right now and that's fog and withdrawl. I very much so want to work things out with my H however as sick as this may sound, withdrawl from the OM is exactly the equivalent as withdrawl from drugs or alcohol. Time and lots of hard work on her part will allow him to fade from her mind so that she can fully return to you. Read Dr. Harley's article about withdrawl....it may help you to understand her.

I am getting short glimpses of close connections with my H and they are comforting. Laughing spontaneously together, SF and reminiscing about things only we would know together.

I have to agree with Stayingtogether about the LB's. For me, it is lack of voluntary support around the house and DJ'ing the kids.

WW has an affair for eighteen months. WW has to go through withdrawal from the OM. It can take her up to eighteen months to go through withdrawal.

I'll answer this question in general... This would depend. Was/is the M worth investing back into? Has the BS removed LBs? Does the BS appear to want to try to meet the WS's ENs? NC with the OP is critical for ending the A. It doesn't mean the WS will or should automatically go back to the BS and want to fight for the M. Again I ask, what does the WS have to go back to?

Don't get me wrong. Fixing things does not fall all on the BS. I'm telling you what the WS may be thinking when he/she is evaluating whether to try to work things out.

My H and I have been together over 20 years. Married for 13.5 when I struck up my PA last year. When the FOM and I started NC, why didn't I jump back to my H whom I had known for so long? Two reasons come to mind...

First, there was no way I loved my H because when you really love someone, you don't betray them in the worst way possible by having an A. I had convinced myself that in order to have the A, I didn't love my H.

Second, the M was bad before the A and I believed there was no way it could be any better after. Therefore, I was ready to walk.

So even though there was zero chance of being with the FOM, I still felt I should divorce my H.

I'm glad I was wrong.

To attest to TheRoad's comment, my A lasted about 4 months. It took about 4 months before I realized I do truly love my H and I want to be with him.

slight t/j

Hi Looking4 (JT waving from the snowy northlands!)

Just wanted to say "hi"

Nice to see you JT. (Opposite of TJ, which is what I'm doing now too.) I've asked the mods to send you my email address in case you find yourself heading toward my 'hood.

Enjoy the snow!

I guess it will take a long time for her to come back to me then. I dont think there is any way I will wait 1 1/2 years to live together again. I cant put myself through that.

H4L - is it her back in your home that you want? Or her committed to your marriage? No 2x4 intended, just an honest question.

I want both, but 1 1/2 years before she can love me again like a husband? I dont think anyone could handle that.

As you've seen here, there are many similarities that happen among affairs. And there are also exceptions.

If my H had of known about my PA right after NC took place and he immediately started fulfilling ENs and stopped the LBs, who's to say I wouldn't have recommitted within 1 month or 2 months instead of 4? As it was, he had no idea the trouble we were in so we didn't start working on us until months after the PA died.

There are absolutes, commonalities, and exceptions to pretty much every rule. Do you know which category applies to your M? If you worked at it and your W was receptive, who's to say your recovery timeline can't be an exception?

No one is saying you will have to go through 1 1/2 years of not having your real wife back...

however...your screen name says one thing and you're saying another.

Your WW didn't get this way overnight...it TOOK YEARS to go wayward...creating and maintaining resentment, fueling it into entitlement and all the while, a lack of respect.

You didn't make her do anything.

The feelings for OM feel real...they aren't. They are generated from a fantasy.

You're real.

And you don't sound like you're really in your marriage, either.

You gonna fight the fantasy or give into it? You don't know how long it will take...it will take at least two years to recover, to recreate a healed, stronger, healthier, resentment-free marriage...and if you're not in for that...know right now you can't handle it (how can you know that, btw?)...or if you are really choosing not to recover, then be honest with yourself, WW and others. You're choosing to divorce.

Hey, your choice. Not condition.

What you will face, no matter which you choose, is personal recovery from infidelity. You gotta do that, either way.

Always two recoveries...marital and personal...going on, sometimes at the same time...sometimes not.

If she had a brain tumor distorting her thoughts, making the unreal seem real, how long would you last at being her husband?

Not a direct comparison for blame...definitely for the effects of her choice to have an A for 18 months. Is that correct, btw? That's how long she was in her A and only in her first, second, or third month of varified No Contact?

You think that withdrawal is rough...when you get to true and incredible remorse, comprehension of what she did, her choices, the extent of the damage (which comes for years), that's really hard, too. It's all hard.

When you do it together, you create real intimacy where there may have been false intimacy...just like blind-trust harms a marriage, so does false intimacy. Learning the difference can change your life.

Remains your choice, separate from hers. Is true for all of us.

LA

LA, thank you for your postings today. This is just what I needed to hear.


Wow, thanks again.

Looking 4, if you read this can you please email me at mvlaxmom@yahoo.com?

thanks...

I want my marriage to work. I honestly do. My problem here is that I am wondering what I am fighting for, because she is not showing me anything right now. I know I should not be in this for what I get out of it, but I mean she needs to show me something. I cannot continue with this unless I know she is really in it to make it work. We are living seperatly and I have been trying to work on myself and not think about her, but it is so damn hard to do. I always wonder if she is ok, and wonder what is the best move for me and us. I found out about everything January 1st and there has been NC since then.

I totally get this, truly I do. My WH just recently from what we can tell broke up with his OW..

There is NOTHING on his side.

I don't know your sitch, are you a man who believes in G-d and his timing?

Do you want to personally recover? Part of two becoming one in an unhealthy way is predicating our choices on theirs...

in a healthy way, it's the rule of protection...

in an unhealthy way, it makes you, by choice, a slave to the other...meaning you will choose for yourself based only on what your spouse feels.

They feel what they feel...think what they think...believe what they believe. Not what we really live our lives from.

We live our lives from what WE believe...think...perceive.

Gets mixed up as our lives entwine. Injecting respect means you separate their stuff from your stuff...so you can act, not react. So you choose your actions based on your own goals, boundaries and code...not their stuff.

Her actions were despicable. She's not. That's the difference you're looking for. If I said, "Well, you can make a mountain out of these paperclips" would you really say, "not if the finished mountain looks cool enough" or would you say, "That's what I want...to make the mountain"?

We cannot change the past (one day gone) or live in the future. When we do, we put ourselves into immediate conflict within our human design. We make our choices in the present. We have the freedom and the responsibility to pick our own goals, create our plans and act on those.

And let the outcome go. It isn't ours. We can't know.

Yet we have the brains to EXPERIENCE life as if we can know.

She's not okay right now...not forever. You're not okay right now...not forever. You can put together a plan, learn to listen to know, not to judge...and experience respectful, forgiving, redemptive love.

Or not.

Don't base your choices on fantasy or others...bring and live in reality. It's what she's been missing and what you may be craving right now, most of all.

You can do this.

LA

I appreciate the response, and I can tell you know what you are talking about. Thanks for the advice. I hope I am strong enough to continue.

I did grow up in church and saved, but soon after getting married, I dropped out of church. I have been going again since I found out about this. I believe in God, and know he has his hand in everything and there is a reason to everything that happens. It is just so hard to see it sometimes.

Do not doubt your strength. Takes you choosing, repeatedly, not from your feelings but from your beliefs.

Practice this...when you feel helpless, it's a signal you are focused where you have no control. Refocus...builds up your strength, gives you relief through clarity.

Do not attempt to make another see your way. Hand back their words to them...understand this is an act of strength through respect.

Up to you to know and not react from feelings...and yes, we know well the deep desire to wake someone from fantasy. Gotta separate it within ourselves, fantasy from reality, first.

You are not alone.

LA

There is no reason it should take that long.

The most important things right now are:

1.) Meeting her ENs

2.) Spending a minimum of 15 hours UA together/week.

3.) Avoiding LBers.

4.) Absolutely NC between WW and AP.

Are you doing these things?

H4L,

You have not been married very long and you just had a big bomb dropped on you. I think you need time to figure this out just like your W. If you can do a good Plan A, it will put you in the best place to decide what you really want when you have had a chance to really think about what has happened.

So think of this time as for you and your WW, not just time for her to get over withdrawal.