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You are talking to a person who feels like he has lost everything that is important to him. Who tried the best he knew how, prayed to God to save his family and love his wife and children and now has it all taken away from him.
You want me to learn from my mistakes that is fine, but I am in the middle of a storm right now and in despair.
just be careful what you say to people in places like this.
I guess this too is my fault for reaching out...I should expect it..
I won't take the blame for this. There were circumstances you may not understand. I trused my wife that was my only crime and if I'm ever married again I will trust her too.
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I trused my wife that was my only crime and if I'm ever married again I will trust her too. Can you see how that trust was very misplaced? Can you see how that trust did not serve you and your son well? Trust is great, but it is not great when it is unwarranted.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel: He is not being "beat up." YES, he IS. But my question to Walsh is, WHAT do you want help with here? Your divorced, so we can't help as much to recover that M. More time with your kids? Less Child support paid? How can I do it better in my next relationship? Just need a place to vent? Walsh, look up pomd3 threads, he rolled over early in the divorce process and got buffaloed completely by a wayward, unremorseful spouse. He has LEARNED so much about his errors in that, and has built a good life for himself and his children in the limited time that he has them. Should you have left your home? No. Should you have divorced this woman? Certainly. But what do you want from us here? We can be the peanut gallery, but tell us what your goal is. LG
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No, he is not being "beat up," LG. Pointing out his own complicity in this outcome is not to "beat up." He had a hand in all this and he still does not see it. It would a grave disservice to not point that out, lest he end up right back in the same place again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What's done is done Walsh. Don't let anyone here beat you up for the past. It's a pointless exercise.
Do what you can now for yourself and your children. I agree with Iam, Walsh. I'm so sorry for your pain. Do you have any of your own family/friends near by? You need to surround yourself with those who love and support you. If you can, consider seeing a therapist to sort through the huge range of emotions you are feeling. I read your thread from October -- I know you were desperately trying. {{Walsh}}
BW-Me,48
FWH-52
DDs(24&22), DSs(20&18)
D-Day #1: 7/18/06
D-Day #2: 3/30/09
In love, recovering.
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Mel:
You have told about eight times that he messed up.
Yep, he's got to admit that your RIGHT.
But what is his goal here?
Can we find out?
He had the WORST thing happen to him, and he can't get to his third post before being told it was all his fault.
No, his fault was moving out of his house. Bad Decision. But can't be changed now.
What is his goal here?
Let him get to that.
LG
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LG, my GOAL is help this gentleman understand that he had much more control over the circumstances than he believes. He is a victim of his wife and of his own complicity. You are free to post as you see fit, and I will do the same.
Would that be ok with you? That we SELF monitor?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It sucks but what's done is done. Focus on your children and rebuilding your life. exWW and her new POSH will probably be divorced soon enough when one of them slinks off to go bang another AP.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Here is a short selection from "Not Just Friends" that deals with this topic:
"Sometimes unfaithful partners choose to leave for their lovers. They use the revelation of the affair as a springboard to leave the marriage. Once the story breaks, they're gone. They often cover up their real intention, which is to pursue the affair, by giving lame excuses such as "I need some space right now" or "This isn't about you, it's about me". (I HEARD BOTH OF THESE!!!)
Betrayed partners who are left behind are often ready to forgive and work through the problems but have no say in the matter. They were powerless to stop the affair, and they end up being powerless to preserve the marriage. Many are abandoned against their wishes and against their values. They may consider divorce unacceptable and be horrified at the thought of their children being raised without two parents at home. They have to live with the reality that they failed to keep their family together, despite how desperately they tried.
Being left peremptorily and prematurely can leave the betrayed partner with a number of unresolved issues. Psychologically, one of the greatest difficulties is the lack of closure. If the unfaithful partner left early in the aftermath of the affair, the betrayed partner may never know the whole story of what happened. The crucial steps of recovery- getting the facts, searching for meaning- are never completed.
The one who is left must formulate the story alone, without the input of the central character in the drama. It's like trying to build a building without ever having seen a blueprint.
Some betrayed partners say that it would have been easier if their unfaithful spouse had died. What they mean is that enduring that loss would have been easier than enduring the betrayal.
They feel this way even if the unfaithful spouse is remorseful and are committed to stay and rebuild the marriage.
Think about what it's like for those who are both betrayed and abandoned. They lose both their relationship AND any conviction that their partner once loved them and cared about them."
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The problem that I have Meloday is when you tell me that I abandoned my family...
That has a certain connotation to it and to lump me in with with fathers and husbands who leave their families, abandon their families with what I have tried to do is very hurtful to me. I did what I did because I was trying to save my family. I failed but to tell me that it was my fault I failed is inaccurate too. I was decieved and manipulated and was in the middle of chaos in my life and now you are sitting back telling me after the fact what the decision I made were wrong.
I had a stepdaughter in the mix. I didn't want her to have to be displaced, her life disrupted also. I was thinking of her in addition to thinking my exwife was being honest when she told me there was noone else. She promised there wasn't anyone else.
Before I left the house, she left for a weekend. I thought hard about the idea to seperate and the best outcome for the kids.
During our separation I was with my son most of the week...These are complicated matters and it's easy to sit back and judge and tell me what I did was wrong.
What if I had stayed? Then what? Do you know? Would my situation be any better? Why don't you tell me what "would have happened" if I hadn't left. Her daughter being around both of us not getting along in the midst of her affair.
My original question was the validity of marriages that start as affairs.
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What if I had stayed? Then what? Do you know? Would my situation be any better? Why don't you tell me what "would have happened" if I hadn't left. Her daughter being around both of us not getting along in the midst of her affair. There is no guarantee that you still wouldn't have ended up divorced but like it or not your inaction did ALLOW your WW to replace you with no resistance. Your intentions may have been well placed but your WW's were not. My original question was the validity of marriages that start as affairs. Not that I saw. You were asking how WW could get away with this and Mel was trying to point our that WW got away with this because you gave WW what she wanted. She wanted you gone, you agreed, and now you are angry because it doesn't seem fair. It's not. Stastically her new marriage will implode and either or both of them will get hit by the karma bus when another POSOP comes along or the fantasy wears off. They aren't special.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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What's done is done Walsh. Don't let anyone here beat you up for the past. It's a pointless exercise.
Do what you can now for yourself and your children. I agree with Iam, Walsh. I'm so sorry for your pain. Do you have any of your own family/friends near by? You need to surround yourself with those who love and support you. If you can, consider seeing a therapist to sort through the huge range of emotions you are feeling. I read your thread from October -- I know you were desperately trying. {{Walsh}} No I don't have any family near by and I would love to see a therapist but I can't afford it.
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***edit***
Walsh, I feel for you. ***edit***
all my best,
-ol' 2long
Last edited by Maverick_mb; 03/10/09 12:13 PM. Reason: hostile
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I was decieved and manipulated and was in the middle of chaos in my life and now you are sitting back telling me after the fact what the decision I made were wrong. Walsh, I agree you were deceived. Can you see looking back that you were manipulated and that leaving did not save your marriage but enabled the OM to move right on in? Please understand that I am on your side. I am a staunch defender of MEN on this forum. That is why I am trying so hard to help you see how you were tricked into helping her AFFAIR and not your marriage. I KNOW your intentions were good, no one would deny that. But intentions are irrelevant when the outcome is disasterous. The outcome has to be taken into account. I am not throwing you under the bus, just pointing out that you were tricked into getting UNDER THE BUS on your own volition. If you don't see how you ended up there, you are doomed to land there again. Wouldn't it be terrible if something like this happened to you again because you allowed yourself to be tricked?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No I don't have any family near by and I would love to see a therapist but I can't afford it. If you are willing, I'm certain you could find a divorce support group at any local church. It might be a start.
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You think I don't know I was tricked. That is the whole point.
My decision to leave has nothing to do with the affair, it happened before hand. My decision to leave had to do with trying to protect my kids (especially my stepdaughter) from having to deal with more changes in her life and limit the damage on her, as well as being down right stupid in thinking that she was being honest with me.
You happy. I'm stupid. I was duped. Scammed. I'm an idiot. You're right. I trusted my wife when she looked me in the eyes and told me and her own father there wasn't anyone else. When she told me the marriage counselor said we should separate. When she told me this is the only way to save our marriage. When she thanked me for leaving although I had tears in my eyes driving away.
I know now there was someone else involved. I never in a million years would have believed she would move someone in my house with my kids behind my back. How could I? I married her....
I get it okay, I was dumb for not thinking my wife would betray, lie and manipulate me....I should have seen it coming.
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I'm sorry it turned out as it did, Walsh.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Walsh,
You asked if she could get away with this. My answer:
UNLIKELY
But the consequences may not show up right away.
I predict that the day will come where she'll know she made a mistake. By that time, you may or may not want her any longer. However, I really DO think a structured Plan B would give you an opportunity to heal as well as leaving the door open if this affair and marriage crash and burn in the near future.
Moving out turned out to be a mistake. Okay. Learning that after the fact is difficult because there's nothing you can do. Your situation may serve as a good example for others, but I suppose right now....you're just hurting and are looking for some insight into what might happen next given the circumstances.
Given the circumstances as they stand....here are some things that might happen:
a) There's a scant 3% chance that her current "marriage" will last.
b) When it fails, she will either move on, or seek you out.
My best advice to you, is to concentrate on you.....but do that, with a firm, dark and complete Plan B.
Please read the information about Plan B on the site. If you need help writing the letter, just ask. Start thinking about an intermediary, and how you can make custody exchanges without ever seeing her.
Welcome to MB. So sorry you're hurting.
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Walsh: Here is your original post: My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, and have been separated for 4 months. When we met she was a single mother college drop out/bartender with a 2 year old girl, just out of a relationship with a loser. I was new to the state moving here to live with a friend after graduating college. We began as friends, and she pursued a relationship with me, which I was reluctant. I developed feelings for her, we dated for a couple of years, and got married. Everything was fine, I was a dad to her daughter, supported her financially and emotionally. When I met her, her parents took care of her daughter half of the time too, they are wealthy and my wife was considered a disappointment to her “upstanding” family.
After we were married for a year and a half, she pressured me into buying a house. I was reluctant. I had a good job, but the house was a little out of our range. But I gave in ‘cause she wanted it. Then she kept spending money, buying things, new cars, a couple dogs and got pregnant with our son.
After our son was born, she began to withdraw. I took on a second job to pay for all our stuff and was working 70+ hours a week. She withdraws sex, she stops wearing wedding bands, pulls away from hugs. I tried to keep her happy, helping with housework, kids etc.
We go to marriage counseling. After two sessions she tells me she doesn’t love me anymore, maybe never did. She liked the idea of marrying me, I was acceptable to her family blah, blah, blah… I ask if there is anyone else, she says no.
She sees the therapist by herself for a month or so, comes home one day and tells me she’s leaving, going to her parents house. We need to separate. I don’t like it but fine. She stays at her parents house (they are gone for the month) for a couple days, her parents call me and tell me that they would rather have me there. So I go live with her parents. During the first month, she won’t get to together with me, I leave her alone. Then I discover once I finally go to my house that she has had her boyfriend living in my house while I was living with her parents, “working” on our marriage. She has been seeing him for I don’t know how long, I find her checkbook and the have a checking account together.
Now we filed dissolution papers, mostly working out in my favor financially, I have ½ custody of our son, but she won’t let me see my step daughter. She continues to live with her boyfriend in our house, I have an apartment. Legally I am taken care of as far as the house and custody arrangements etc.
So any input? How does this happen? What is she thinking? Is this relationship with her boyfriend going to work? (He is a pro skydiver, she finds that exciting, she works at the airport with him) I’m alone. I have no family here, and few friends ‘cause I was dedicated to my family. I’m confused…………..
Legally I am protected as far as financially I have retained a lawyer and paperwork has been filed. Personally, I want to help you out. But your a conflict avoider. Mel's on your case because YOU NEED IT. You didn't stand up in your marriage. You didn't FIGHT for your marriage. You were relucant from the start of this marriage. And "she" got pregnant. I think you had SOMETHING to do with that. I rather you stay here for longer than a morning. Pommd3 posted to you on your original thread. Had you have stayed here, you would have gotten the same advise that is being hammered at you now. Your "agreements" with soon to be ex-wife could have been modified further to have prevented SOME parts of this outcome. But you stood there and watched the train wreck occur. "But my attorney said...." Your attorney works for you. Saving $1,000 in legal fees did not save your marriage. And forcing OM FROM YOUR HOUSE while you still owned it, and had rights to it, would have made a major difference in the outcome. Your attorney avoided the conflict as well, by negotiating such a flawed agreement on your behalf in the first place. So, I ask once again, what is your real purpose here? Your NOW at the outrage of it all. But there is nothing to do, as the horses have all run away. Will you stay? Will you listen? Will you realize, like pommd3 did, that the destruction of your marriage was due to your wayward wifes actions, but your role was in rolling over to her demands? This place can help with that. Recovery does not just mean MARITAL RECOVERY. RECOVERY means that YOU end up in a better place for the future. And how to react, and what to expect, and how to get the relationship that you deserve in the future. Why did I want Mel to lighten up a little on you? So maybe you would stay and listen. She's right. Instead of hammer blows, maybe you could have seen the light with taps. Are you willing? You have just been thru the most emotionally draining experience of your life. Can it get better? Certainly. Mel is insisting that you look AT YOUR ROLE in all this. Time to stand up. Time to start avoiding conflict. Because this cycle will repeat itself for the rest of your life. That's what I would really like to help you to avoid. Your son deserves better. LG
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Walsh,
I feel for you, bud. Seriously. I fell for a similar trick.
Beware of the feelings that are to come because they are intense. The anger you will feel over time is going to be dangerously strong to a point where you will scare yourself with your thoughts.
But you will get past that.
What you need to focus on right now is securing your rights as a father and making sure that she doesn't suddenly takeoff on you to another state or a far away location where you can't see your kid. It happens.
Trust me when I tell you that you will eventually get over her, be disgusted by her, and will move on and be glad she's not in your life anymore because you will see her as the despicable person she really is.
It's your kid you need to focus on.
Your stepdaughter isn't your child. Focus on your biological child and ensuring you're there for him.
That's the harsh reality.
But beware of trusting her. She's never trustworthy.
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