Thank you for all the responses. I want to forgive my H more so for myself than him. I don't want his affair to own the rest of my life and to make it the single event that defines our relationship. I know I have to forgive him...not quite there but I believe I can one day. We have a second chance and I don't want to ruin it by holding on to the past day in and day out. Thanks again.

raven,

There's a funny thing about forgiveness. When you decide that you need to forgive, you begin to open your heart toward someone. You start to look at the person differently, and instead of looking at them with darkness, you begin to allow small cracks of light shine on them.


Think of forgiveness as a flower blooming. It begins as a very small bud, tightly wrapped. There is but green to the flower, no hint of the blossom to come. Slowly the bud grows, and the hue begins to creep in, just slightly at the base...just a hint there, but you can see it if you look closely. As the bud expands, the petals grow larger and begin to take on more color, faint still, but with each day they pull in more and more essence of that red and orange and yellow it is striving towards. Suddenly, the blossom is so full it must burst forth and the flower explodes, showing its true inner beauty, with the richness and glory that was developing within - always a surprise, always a delight to behold.

The same is true for forgiveness. You can't really see it happening from the outside in, but when it bursts out - it is so "right there" for you to see, and so wonderful to have.

You will get there. It is not an instant thing - let it bloom.


SB

Does resentment only fade, if it does, with time or is there any way to help move past it quicker? I'm still working on the forgiveness part but find I have deep resentment for FWH having an affair while claiming he was trying to be a good H and father. Remembering him telling our children how important it is to grow up and be good people makes me :RollieEyes: Remembering how I supported him with his job and took on almost all the household and child rearing duties while he was busy working to provide a better life for our family in the future makes me :RollieEyes: Those are just two of many. The hypocrisy of it all drives me nuts.

Any advice?

Hi all, a lot of what I read in this thread makes sense. As a FWW I have wondered about the forgiveness part of recovery. I don't expect to just be forgiven for all that I put my husband through right away. There are actions that need to be taken and kept up so that my husband can forgive.


I do firmly believe that forgiveness benefits the Betrayed a great deal when it comes to the feelings of resentment. I know this because I have forgiven someone very close to me for doing something they should not ever have done. I have never told them that I forgave them, but I know I have and therefore I feel better and can move on. It does not consume my life. Obviously I can't forget it, but I don't let it bother me. The person that does the injustice has to forgive themselves too. That is very important also.


This is has not as easy as it sounds. I have to earn it with myself just as I have to earn it with my BH. Some days it is hard to look at myself in the mirror...

BUMP

I noticed this post and wondered if you are closer to forgiveness now that a couple months have passed. I feel like I forgave my husband almost immediately because that was the only way that I could stay with him. Forgiveness for me meant that I could accept him as a flawed human being and still give him a chance to be the husband that I married. I still have a lot of anger and frustration but am hoping that those emotions will fade.

My FWH knows that I am on the road to genuine forgiveness, He knows that more than anything I want to be able to forgive him, and that I am doing all I can to forgive him.

Both of us benefit from this forgiveness, but for me genuine forgiveness doesn not come quickly, but is a shared process. He is happy that we are on the right road, and when I get to the stage that I can tell him - I forgive you, it will mean so much to both of us.

Black Raven,
For me resentment was strong for the first six-eight months after DDay. I was having a lot of thoughts - one of them being a revenge affair. Posting here helped me get through my resentment months. After DDay my H was very remorseful and was doing everything possible to make things right and because of his efforts I became more open to accepting help from MC. I don't think I could say I've forgiven him, I have forgiven myself for the guilt I carried about what happened. I no longer feel guilty and realize it wasn't me who told or pushed my H to OW. He made that choice. Doing the questionnaires here has helped us understand how to meet each other's need and MC helped us communicate and deal with conflict. Two years into R we have the best relationship we've ever had. BR - it does get better with time especially if WS is totally committed to R.

GG

As far as resentment goes, you can choose to resent your H.

And that leads where it leads. Not a good choice.



I have resented people in the past. It always left ME feeling worse. Never had much effect on the other person.

It always seems so easy to go with the negative feeling, doesn't it? Easier to resent someone, than to look at their failings as human and to understand how broken they are. Your WS was very broken during the A.

And now, during recovery, is your WS the same person? Still that broken and lost person? No, not really. The WS is on a new path, right?

So your resentment of the WS is focused on what your spouse WAS - not what your spouse IS.

Your resentment is focused on the OLD marriage. The OLD relationship.


Think about where you are today. What the focus should be. How does the resentment help you now?

What is a better way to address the feelings of hurt and anger - which is what the resentment really entails. How can you use MB concepts to address the resentment, instead of falling back into the old patterns of the marriage?

Because really, do you want to go back THERE?

I don't.

Even though thinking of a more positive aspect of my H and avoiding looking at him with resentment is HARDER, it is much more fruitful for our relationship. And I can see his brokenness, and his efforts to recover when I do it.

My life is less painful with this approach. And somehow, this has much better effect on HIM, too.

Changing.

SB

I feel closer but not quite there yet. It took a leap of faith to give him another chance but I'm still guarded in regards to forgiveness. Maybe that's not the 'correct' approach but that's how I feel.

Good to see you SB.

FWH has been great at helping me heal. There have been some bumps along the way but he has been great. We aren't falling back into old patterns. The fallout of the A had such a profound impact on both of us that I don't think we will ever go back to the old M. One of us will kick the other in the butt if any come up. The issue isn't with FWH so much as it is with me.

Trying to let go of the past (not just the A), but there are a lot of hurtful things for me to process. I do feel safer. The anger and resentment have subsided substantially. It's more the sense of loss I have. Some days I still can't believe I find myself here.

WOW! Schoolbus, that is so inpiring for me today - just what I needed to read. Thank you for posting such wise words.

Now the hard bit - putting your words into action. Is it as simple as one day at a time?

Just a quick word of explanation - I am Serendipitous (BS) but posted on our laptop when my FWH was logged in. Apologies for the confusion.

Ahh, that's better! Back to my normal betrayed self....

BR - That's more or less sums up how I feel at the moment. I just can't quite believe we are here, and now we are here learning I realise just how naive I was, and the loss of that naivety and total trust hurts. I know it shouldn't, but it just does sometimes.

Logic told me that people hurt other people all the time, I just never thought my FWH would hurt me.

br,

Here is my perspective...

Forgiveness is a process BUT the initial trigger must come "naturally" in your heart first. To me it came about 2 months into recovery. You could let your WS know that you have forgiven him/her (I think it is important) for what they had done to you. A LOT in my opinion, depends on how remorseful they are after the d-day. And you will know. Alteast I knew in my case. Yes it has to be unconditional.

I also think if you cannot start the process of forgiveness, you cannot move forward. It is essential. It will also let go of lot of resentment that could be build up eventually. Sometimes after several years.

So to answer your question....can their be genuine happiness without forgiveness ? I dont think so. That is me.

Can you mention/talk about A after forgiveness ?

Great question. The assumption I am making is you forgive your WS ONLY after you think he/she has been very open and honest about the affair. All the questions that you had about the affair must be answered, no matter how hurtful they are. And then comes the act of forgiveness. If my wife had asked me for forgiveness on the d-day, I would have probably said "yes" but that would have been more out of desparation than out of true feelings of forgiveness.

I thought it was ok for a long time to continue to ask about the affair because I had the "right" but realized it was not helping me much. It was more of a obsession than anything else. Once I started to understand that I was more at peace with myself. I still have questions but I can sense no definite tension between us when such questions come up. And if they do, they are very quick and short.

I think it is important not to loose sight of the big picture which is true recovery....both from bad marriage and the A. (assuming that affairs usually follow after a period of bad marriage). When I do that, it makes me look at forgiveness as a small but a necessary step on that road to recovery.

If "forgiving" means resovled to move forward, meeting my wife's ENs and doing the things I can do to make my marriage work... then yes, I have forgave my wife in the 3 and half months since her affair.

The thoughts of her rejecting me and giving herself to the OM still haunt me.

There are certain things that I am realizing about my wife's personality, things in which I have no control. My wife's #1 EN is Affection and I realize that when she gives me her affection, she is giving me her highest expression of love. Even though I need more conversation and openess from her, I realize that she is communicating to me and I am coming to a place where I can accept that. I do still try to encourage her for more communication and openess, but it's a work in process.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am getting to where I can recognize her efforts in working on the marriage and I am allowing myself to appreciate the things she is capable of freely giving.

Every now and then the OM comes up in conversation... but there is not much emotion attached to the subject. We discuss this episode in a rather matter-of-fact manner.

Forgiven

We need more discussions on forgiveness its one of the hardest things to sincerely ask for and to grant.

A friend of my DH some time after out D Day who is a priest emailed my DH with the following. My DH is not exactly religious ... it was a schoolboy friendship that's lasted all this time.

Anyway this is what he emailed him........

As a betrayed husband you feel, you know, she doesn't deserve your love or your forgiveness, yet you so often want to do both. I don't want to get all religious on you at this late date but what you're really struggling with is the basis of Christianity, grace. Christianity is the only religion where man doesn't have to 'get right with God' as God made the sacrifice of his only son to balance the scales for man. What man has to do is receive his grace. It's one of the hardest things in the world for a real man in this every day world to accept,especially someone who lives in a world of violence and death. There is nothing we can do, on our own, to make things right with God. All we can do is receive his sacrifice or reject it.

As a betrayed husband you are in a almost god-like situation with your wife. No Aussie I am serious. There is nothing she can do now or in the future to make things "exactly right" with you. She can ensure to a certain level you never again need to worry she will cheat on you and be accountable for all she does in the future. BUT she cannot undo her actions. NEVER.
ONLY you can extend an act of grace to her or not. Then, regardless of her response, you can feel good about what you have done, and go on with your future. Certainly, if she isn't prepared to change her ways, then it's pretty clear that she doesn't want your grace, but your permission. For most of us that would never work, well it wouldn't for you I am bloody well sure.

This act of grace, forgiveness, is more for YOU than her. It becomes important for her only if she acts on it to relieve your pain and hurt, regardless if any marriage reconciliation takes place or not.

Aussie its for you first and foremost. It just might be one of the bravest things you will have ever done in your life.


I was very blessed with such a man for a husband and friend. I would rather die than ever wound him to such a depth ever again.

His act of grace allowed me to live again. I'm very lucky.

The priest is correct. The act of forgiveness, for me, was not for the people who hurt me. It was for me.

In the case of my husband, I had to release his sin against me, in order to recover what I needed - my marriage, my husband, my life, my world.

It seems strange, but to gain, I had to give away what seemed to be something counter-intuitive.

Why would I forgive one of the biggest betrayals against me?

And his "third strike"????


Because to do otherwise would anchor me to this place of pain, hurt, anger, confusion..................and I would never recover MYSELF.

In the process, he would remain broken.

Two people, completely lost, because one of us could not release her anger and resentment.

Ultimately, I know where this anger leads. My personal history tells me.

And my H - he could not understand why I forgave him. Still doesn't.

In fact, he is starting to drive me a little nuts with his attempts to make up for it. ;-)

But I do like it when he makes me coffee in the morning, so I don't plan to say anything, at least for awhile.



Seriously, though, it is a one-day-at-a-time deal. That resentment ride? It is your own self-righteousness. You resent because you need to "feel right", and you are angry because you somehow feel like somebody else got to break the rules and you didn't. It's childish, when you think about it. Kindergarteners do this, at a basic level. "He is playing and he's supposed to be working!" they tell the teacher. They point fingers and are angry and resentful, because in reality they WANT to be playing, if only because somehow they feel like someone got away with something

and they didn't

and it isn't 'fair'

so that childish resentment sets in.


With the affair, I think it sets in BIG TIME because we were betrayed, and then we think, "well, the WS got to do something out of bounds, and why don't *I* get a free pass?"

Well, we don't.

One wrong doesn't justify another - that's the answer.

We don't have to like the answer, but there it is.

We are not kindergarteners. We can "feel" all mad and resentful, but when it comes down to it, those feelings really are all about the concept that somebody else got away with something - or at least we feel like they did.

Believe me, the WS goes through their own set of emotional upheavals. It isn't easy being the WS, I can testify to this. It is not the same as the BS, not harder, not easier - different.

There is a rollercoaster there, just as sure as the BS has.

So, in this process, in the recovery, the BS who wants to recover the marriage has the process of forgiving, of addressing the resentment, of many hoops to jump through. The WS also has a process. And believe this or not, the WS also has similar things to address.

Only differently.


They have to learn to "receive" forgiveness. And while it seems very difficult to learn to give forgiveness?

Try learning to receive it, when you do not feel deserving.


SB

Schoolbus,


Interest quote. I sense that my FWH now feels he is deserving but is not seeking me to say the words. I'm like the other posts - in my heart I have forgiven because I feel there has been just compensation, but I have not said those words and honestly don't feel I can. Maybe in the future I'll feel differently.

GG