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Joined: Mar 2009
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My husband and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary in April. However; it isn't a celebration for me. It's more like a reminder that I have have been "raising" an "only child" for 7 years. He is very unmotivated. I am by far the main breadwinner in the family. (We have no children). He dosn't hardly make anything, but I pay for the house, the car, the trailer, his photography equiptment, the bills. He isn't very educated and I am a registered nurse. I have spoken with him and he agrees he needs to do more, but it only lasts a very short time until he's "out of the doghouse" and then he goes right back to his lazy ways. I am at the point i want him to pay 1/2 of the housepayment and bills or move out and leave me alone.

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We see this all the time! The problem is that you set NO boundaries. What that means is that you have to TELL him what you will accept and NOT accept.

"From now on, your car payment will be your own responsibility. I will no longer cover the payment for your car. How will you pay for it?"

etc.

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No kids - you can always leave him if you're that disenchanted.

If you want the M - and you're here after all - I agree with cat. Well partially. Stop whining, start doing.

What are your boundaries - things you'd leave the M over? Tell him! Calmly, respectfully. "I will not stay in this M if [you don't earn, etc]"

But stay on your side of the fence. For example - don't say 'how are you going to pay for your car?' He's a grownup, you're not his mother. He'll work it out. The implication behind the question (you need my help / I am waiting to judge your answer)is insulting.

BTW, it comes across that loud and clear you don't respect your H and that could be demotivating him. DJs demotivate.

Even though in a sick way it is "normal" these days for a W to disrespect her H, stop doing that or else you'll get a "normal" marriage (i.e. unhappy, or brief).

Stop telling him what he is, what to do, feel or think. If you want a decent M. Stop treating him like a child, belittling him. Don't tell him what he needs to do.

You view him as a child - do you see how this attitude stops you from having a good M with this man? If you truly think he's that hopeless - leave him. Do both of you a favour.

If not, lose the attitude.


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
Seven year affairage.
Joined: Mar 2009
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Thank you for your comments. I do have an attitude and did tell my husband this morning that I have felt this way for about a year. I have brought it up off and on, but no real solution. We are going to sit down today with the bills and figure this out. He feels terrible about it. I don't want him just to go around feeling terrible, I want want him to act on that and make it better. He seems lost as to how to go about it. It seems to me fairly easy. If what you are doing doesn't make enough $, you need to either A. Suppliment with something else ( He has plenty of extra time for this) or B. Do something else that makes more $. I know that he may not always have his dream job, but it's not my fault he barely made it through high school and didn't go to college. I worked very hard full time night shift and put myself through nursing school. When I graduated I didn't owe a dime to anyone. I am very independant and I have high expectations of myself.

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Are you interested in changing your attitude? From your post, you still view him as a child, an inferior.

Have you read the basic concepts?


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
Seven year affairage.
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 6
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I understand where she's coming from, after my husband's A, he quit his job...which is great, but 2 years later he's still not working, and sometimes it's like....act like a child and you get treated like a child....act like a partner, and you'll get treated like a partner. I wouldn't be so hard on her, sometimes you try and try to be a supportive wife, and it ends up enabling the other spouse in the long run. He needs to pick himself up and get out there and start pulling his weight, and if you figure out a way to tell him that without him exploding, let me know, lol....I'm still trying to figure that one out on my own.

Joined: Jun 2008
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It looks like because you are very motivated, you think he should. It doesn't seem like it's in his nature. Some people are okay with working minimum wage jobs, and there's nothing wrong with that. So he decides to get a better paying job to make you happy...so he gets a second job to make you happy. How long do you think that will last before he gets bitter and resentful?

If his only motivation to do "better" (your definition of better)is to make you happy, it won't last.


Last edited by kilted_thrower; 05/15/09 10:12 AM.

Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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He's a photographer? I find that fascinating. Do you find it fascinating?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Nov 2006
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Sheila, you have the same controlling disrespectful arrogant toxic attitude.

You treat your H like a child, because in your eyes he deserves it. He has an affair (one that you know of).

You know best, you know what he 'needs' to do.

How's your marriage going? Have you read the section on LBs on this site - in particular the bit about DJs?


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
Seven year affairage.

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