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#2237168 03/30/09 12:23 PM
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Married 11 years (2 kids)
Pretty much neglected her needs the entire time; not supportive; critical of her interests
I believe she fell out of love w/me a long while back
She eventually had an affair w/married man (4 months)
Told me she wanted divorce in January. D-day was in Feb which she ended her affair soon after; no contact for the past 3 weeks or so.
I've changed a lot of things which she has noticed.
Said she wanted to work on our friendship, but still saw divorce as the eventual outcome
I've seen some fog lift this past week after the OM divulged some pretty intimate stuff about her to lots of people which made her upset
Now she says she doesn't really want a divorce- but that she wants us to spend more time together and work on our relationship and that our marriage can probably work.

However, she says she isn't in love with me, probably never will be, and that we'll never have a physical relationship again. I can see some truth to this as I was not a very supportive husband before and see how she probably fell out of love with me a long time ago.

I've read the books and the articles on this site and am familiar with the Love Bank. I really hope by spending more time with her will allow me the opportunity to deposit love units. Unfortunately, its hard for me to believe that it actually works that way with romantic love.

Any ideas/thoughts from those who've been through this?
Also, how can I meet the emotional need for affection if all I'm able to do is give short, quick hugs?

Thanks for the advice.


Last edited by arkhawk1; 03/30/09 12:45 PM.

Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
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Posts: 2,235
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"Also, how can I meet the emotional need for affection if all I'm able to do is give short, quick hugs?"

What do you mean by this? HER need for affection or YOUR need for affection?

YOU ARE MEETING HER NEED FOR AFFECTION NOW if all she wants are short quick hugs. That is all she NEEDS now.

But is this what you meant?


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Yeah, I meant her need for it.


Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,235
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OK, what do you think she wants regarding her need for affection?

1. Does she want sex from you?
2. Does she want only hugs from you?
3. Do you know specifically what she needs? From you?

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She wants no type of affection from me - except for the occasional hug goodbye. She says she isn't in love with me and can't do anything physical (kiss, sex, etc)


Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,235
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I see.

So, you know now that HER NEED FOR AFFECTION FROM YOU IS ZERO. SHE NEEDS NOTHING IN THE WAY OF AFFECTION FROM YOU AT ALL.

If she does not need affection from you, then you do not give her any. You cannot meet that need for her. Since she does not have the need for it from you.

What you want to know is "how can I get her to want affection from me again so I can meet her need?"

But this is not possible. Since you cannot do it.

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OK, so what should I do? Be extremely nice and try to meet those needs that she will allow me to meet? Does this Love Bank thing really work in real life?

Last edited by arkhawk1; 03/30/09 01:08 PM.

Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
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Tough situation for you.

I would show some pride in yourself. I'd counter her babble with something like, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or appreciate me anymore than you do."

You have an opportunity to Plan A. If she truly wishes to work on the marriage then she must immediately agree to no contact for life with OM and a committment to regain your trust and work on your marriage as well as open up and become transparent about her contacts in terms of cell phones, email accounts, and whereabouts.

Don't stand for being babbled. SHE messed up, not you.

What's the situation with your kids. Who are they with and where are they living?

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We all still live together. The past 2 months have been really bad with D-day, lies, fog babble and withdrawal. However, the past 3 weeks have been better as we have been spending a lot of time together and talking. She has moved from wanting a divorce to not wanting a divorce and wanting to build the foundation of our relationship with friendship and spending time together (although she says she doesn't love me romantically).

Its hard for me to sort out the fog babble from her true feelings since I know things weren't great before the affair started. She has agreed to no contact. Now I am in "trying to win her love back" mode, I guess. Working plan A hard and she is noticing, but not enough yet. I wonder will it ever be enough.

Last edited by arkhawk1; 03/31/09 07:11 AM.

Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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arkhawk,

First while she is going through withdrawal don't expect much and certainly don't believe what she is saying. Notice how even her words are changing as time goes on. Until they become consistent and match her actions, you have not even started recovery.

I would strongly urge you to get Surviving an Affair, by Harley and read it. Don't bother educating her, you just read it. I think it will offer a better insight into all you are going through and what she is going through.

You have a lot of time to decide you can/will/want to remain in this marriage. Do you best now to preserve it and no matter what you eventually decide, you will be much better grounded for your efforts to save this marriage.

You need a plan to address your own role in the marriage. Make that plan and follow it and do it with or without the feedback from your W. YOu must decide what a good husband should be and become that man.

Make no major decisions at this point, neither of you are in any position to do that so just hang in there and do your best.

Please read the articles here as well.

God Bless,

JL

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Thanks,
I've done a lot of thinking and I do want to preserve the marriage. I'm glad that at least she is willing to stay so I can show the changes I've made every day.

She is very willing to spend time together, talk and share. But the part about her not being in love with me anymore (and may never be) has me worried since there may be some truth to it.

Ive read Dr Harley's book and several of the articles here. I know what he says about Plan A and the Love Bank. Just a bit discouraged thinking that may work for other people, but not me.


Me BH 40
Her XWW 34
Married 12 years

Feb 09 - PA #1 (w/married alcoholic)
Apr 09 - Started recovery, thought things were going well until...
Jan 10 - PA #2 (w/different guy on Facebook)
Dec 10 - Divorced
Now - very happy; no regrets

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