Rod, that's the purpose of the IM.

I sit with tears rolling down my face as I have just received an e-mail from her lawyer by way of my lawyer more or less telling me that I must get my kids to see her or I'll find my self in court .Once again I live in Canada so my judicial options are very limited .I am starting to wonder if i want to get my marriage back at all . Here I am feeling totally helpless in this mess .My only empowerment is the fact that my sons have turned their backs on her.I didnt promote this but I didnt discourage it either . Now I am told that I must tell them that they are wrong .Mom is ok .What she did was ok .I was only put in this marriage for her to kick around and abuse .I dont get it . I GIVE UP.

Rod, NO! That is NOT what you tell them! You tell them that, although a country's laws don't always provide the optimal results for each family's situation, those laws are there to help everyone in general. And therefore, you have to honor them.

BUT. Then you tell them that, although the laws are telling them they have to see their mother, they don't have to give her their allegiance. Also that, as children, they are fully entitled, even encouraged, to tell their mother exactly what they think of what she has done to them. They NEVER have to believe that Mom is ok simply because a law says they have to see her. Totally different.

I know it's painful, but you can turn this around to be a growth experience for you and your sons. I promise, down the road, if you handle this right, your sons will thank you for being their rock, for teaching them right and wrong, and for being there for them when they went through unpleasant times.

She'll be left in the dust, on the sidelines, as you and your sons continue on to live your lives, and the lives of your sons' families, together.

{{{rod}}}

I have told my 13 and 6 yr old sons that my WW loves them and wants to see them > They have chosen not to see her. When she comes to visit it is very cold .My little guy being not unlike a puppy is the easiest for her to get through to but he is following his big brother's example . I have never told them not to see her or prevented her from seeing them .This isnt coming from me (directly) . Somehow I am responsible to get them to see her ???????????? Give me a break !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My little guy is going to the movies with her on Monday .This is the first time he has been with her outside my home since Jan 24th . A friend is going with him so he agreed .I told him that he needs to see his mother .My older son was invited but declined "coldly".

It will get better over time, I promise.

Rod,

This won't be easy. It was very difficult for my DS20 to finally take over the negotiations for his visits with his dad (he wanted to see dad, an A was not what ended that M, my X was just a manipulative you know what who liked to verbally abuse me whenever he had the chance). DS20 took over all visitation conversations when he was 11 (D'ed when he was 2) He would give his dad dates that he could fly, then verify which were okay the next call after verifying with me. Your oldest needs to understand that he must be clear with everyone that his refusal to interact with his mother is 100% his idea because of his mother's behaviors. Use your friend to maintain NC with her for the movie for your youngest, I think it is a great idea for your youngest to have a friend to interact with, to take the pressure off of him, he will probably come around for her over time (he is young enough to not really understand it all) but if she continues to force your oldest she will drive him further away. Work with him, help both of you to heal together and understand that morals are morals and expected to be maintained by everyone in the family, but forgiveness is a good thing to. He can't carry hate in his heart for what she did, because he will extend it to all women.

Fled

The Plan B Letter appears out of the question .A number of people have pointed out that her lawyer may use my need for an intermedeare(sp?) for communication against me if i were to go to court concerning custody .I agree with them .I cant win for trying .

What does YOUR lawyer say?

You can write a legally sound Plan B letter. Nothing mandates that you be friends with your ex. The plan B letter could state that all you will communicate about is about issues of urgency in regards to the children. The standard established by our parenting coordinator was that we were to not communicate unless there was blood on the floor or someone about to die.

I let my ex know if the kids are sick or running a fever, but it's more of an info note than anything.

So you can write a goodbye Plan B letter where you clearly state that you will only discuss issues relating to the kids and only if they are an emergency.

No one can use that against you.

Finally, don't invalidate your kid's feelings. They have a right to be mad and upset with your WW. Don't force them to go to anything they don't wish to go to. If they're mad at their mom, then acknowledge that and don't invalidate the fact that they are.

Kids get screwed up when thye have normal reactions and feelings to situations and their parents tell them differently. Don't force your sons to do anything and don't invalidate their feelings.

My kids have agreed to go to dinner with my X this week some time .My little guy agreed and my older boy is going along for "free" food . I am upset but know that they need their mother .It is a horrible catch 22 .I have not discouraged them from talking or seeing their mother and they have chosen to do neither .That felt great but, I know that isnt the way things should happen .It is in their best interest to have a relationship with her even if it is cold.She doesnt deserve them but they dont deserve to not have their mother.

Rod, As I have told you. I have been there. They will go with their mom, but their relationship is permanently damaged. Your oldest will never respect her again. She can't force the court to make them love and respect her.

My little guy , for the first time , said he might want to start going back to his moms for the 4 days as we did Dec-Jan .I told him no problem . Whatever you want buddy . I said this with a sad heart but a smile on my face . I will admit that i enjoyed having my boys both with me full time for 2 months .I know they need their mother despite her brutal life choices . My older son still doesnt want to spend any time at her place .We will see where this goes .At some point they will both be going back and forth .I am much better with this than the first time back on Dec 1st .I know what is important .

I know that my kids need their mother .I know for them to reconnect is the right thing . Despite this I didnt sleep much last night. No particular silly thoughts just a lot of restlessness. I know I wont lose them but it was still nice when I had them to myself. Silly isnt it ?????????? Insecurity is a killer !!!!!!!!!

No one could blame you! If you guys stay separated, my guess is she'll find time with them so uncomfortable that she'll just dwindle away until she is just a holiday parent.

The trouble now is that my little guy (6) voiced the need to see his mother .I have to be in complete agreement with that as it is the best for him . My older son (13) doesnt want to spend time with her .If the older one doesnt go the younger wont.That will make him unhappy .If the older one goes for the younger one than the older one will be unhappy . I acnt solve their problem. They somehow have to work it out .

As it turned out (So far) my younger son has decided to start spending time at both my house and his mother's. My older son only wishes to spend time here.They both seem ok with it .We will see. I hope it works for both of them!!!!!!!

My little guy is supposed to go with his mother in two days .It is starting to get to me .I know it is for the best for him but I'm getting stressed about it. Yesterday my WW called using the OM's cell .On my caller ID my older son and I get to see his name . That wasnt much fun ."Don't let it bring you down it is only castles burning".

Don't answer your phone when she calls you from that number. It's that simple.

Draw your boundaries and stick to them. Have respect for yourself.

I have now witnessed one of the down falls (Far outwayed by the positives) of trying to have no communication with my WW . My younger son thought he was going ,I thought he was going .It appears he is going today . So it went very well .I got to tuck him in and say our prayers last night. I'll get back to you tomorrow . I am watching my older son closely as this can not be easy on him watching his little buddy go to moms . Hopefully if he feels the need to open up he will be comfortable to express himself to me .I have and will give him every opportunity.