My DH of 12 years cut off contact with us (which he's done before) for a week. About a week ago I got him to call because of information I needed for the kids medical. He came right out and admitted an affair. He also admitted to EAs in the past but swears this is the first physical. I have a feeling he has already filed for a divorce. I have a million questions that I can't find answers to, but first of all- How do I fight for him, when he's gone and won't give us contact?

What do you want from him?

Give us some background....
How long you've been together/ married.
How many children/ages
State of you marriage
etc

I'm still in shock. I don't know what to say to friends, family, or the kids. And here on the net, feels just so open.

I want him to come home. I want to work things out with him. But, I need changes from him this time. I'm praying there will be a chance for that.

We've been married almost 12 years. We have 4 kids 11, 7, 4, and 4 months. Things have never gone very smoothly for us. It's only by the grace of God, we've made it this far. DH has never been good about hanging on to employment. He really is incapable of managing finances.

He joined the military, and while the seperation caused by deployments brought their own problems, things were better for us at home, because we were for the most part taken care of by the military. While deployed the first time he started drinking a lot and did not keep contact with me well. He developed a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that's inappropriate for a man who is married.

I have always been suspicious of more. He's been very secretive and won't give many details. He insists they were just friends. Over the years, he contradicts stories he had once told me. He keeps getting back in contact with her. I caught him before with phone records and saved text messages. About a year and a half ago, he wanted to leave me. He just admitted he was going to leave me for her.

He has an anger problem. He went through anger management classes several times in the military. He eventually got kicked out for blowing up at his officers one too many times. I really don't think that since he came home from the first deployment drinking has been a problem. He drinks occasionally, that I know of, and it doesn't seem like he usually drinks much at a time. He definitely has addictive behaviors, but as far as I can tell, his only addictions are to cigarettes and Dr. Pepper.

Finances are our worst problem though. He will spend all of our money on things he wants and not pay any of the bills. I have always been the one to pay the bills. I have to do it before he gets the money spent. While he was in the military with direct deposit, it was easier for me to take care of the bills. I managed to get us mostly out of debt several times. He keeps us in a perpetual state of financial crisis.

After the military, he became a truck driver. He's seperated from us all the time. He's had jobs that have had him home nightly to eight weeks in between times. His current job had him home most weekends for some ammount of time. He keeps a big chunk of his pay for himself, and only sends home enough to keep the rent paid and the electricity from getting shut off. There has been little more support than that for a very long time.

I have tried so many things over the years to stay integrated as a family. It has almost all been in vain. He rarely cooperates. The first 3 kids are girls. He doesn't relate to them or share any interests with them. I have always been the primary parent, in part because he's been gone so much, but also because he's uninterested. Sometimes he does better than others. So, we had a little boy, my naive attempt to help draw him into our family, thinking he would get more joy out of fatherhood.

It doesn't look like we'll get that chance. He said the physical affair just started, but he has known the OW for about 6 months. It really feels like I lost him a long time ago.

I'm writing all the negative things here. Even though I am frustrated with him, I love him still. I know that neither of us have been meeting each other's emotional needs for a long time, if ever. I have tried so hard, but am trying all by myself. I have spent a lot of effort in the course of our marriage working on my love busters and trying to meet his needs. I have definitely let my kids get ahead of him in my priorities. While I know that's not healthy, I don't know how I could have avoided that.

So, now he has left us and I want to fight for him, but I don't know where to begin. How do I do a "plan A" if he is gone?

Answer this question: What benefit is he providing for these children?

From what you say, I don't see any. I see a group of girls growing up thinking they have to put out to keep a guy, just like you did.

I read this after I wrote it and realized, sort of as if for the first time, how hopeless this whole thing is. I have been putting 2 and 2 together, and now I wonder how much of our lives have been a lie. I checked out his MySpace page. Now he lives in a new city and is no longer married- but ENGAGED! The more I think about it, the more sure I am that he has already filed. How much hope could there be if he has?

Why do you want to keep him? What positive is there? He sounds very immature with character defects. I understand "love feelings" cloud our judgment but it sounds like he's already said what he wants with his behavior...time for you to think about you and the kids.

Jbug, your H is extremely abusive and I would not allow him to come home unless he makes some serious changes. He has been yanking you around now for 12 long years; maybe its time that you put a stop to it?

If I were you, I would file on him for abandonment to make sure he supports you and the kids. Change your locks so he can't get in. Get yourself protected from him, JBug. Sorry for you and your kids, but since your H is so irresponsible and abusive, the responsibility to protect your children falls on you.

Wow, if Melody is here and not seeing much hope, then....

I would echo her advice. She's dead on.

He has no consequences right now for his actions.

You NEED to file for abandonment and force him to pay to support your kids.

You also need to expose to everyone what he is doing.

This man sounds like he has very serious issues and is not salvageable.

He could change in time, but he sounds like a man with serious psych problems.

Take control of your life and do something to force him to face consequences.

You've already lost him. Make it official and force him to be responsible.