PS - OW's H immediately called my H.( who was hiding out in a hotel in their hometown) and threatened that if he ever came near his wife again . . . You get the picture. He FOUGHT for his wife.

The more you read BHFF posts the better you understand that he is more afraid of confrontation then he is in love with his wife. He justifies his inaction by trying to show how loving and forgiving he is. Wrong. To put it into fireman terms he may understand.

The home of his marriage is engulfed in fire. And he sits at the door knocking, even though he knows his family is inside. He actually believes that he can put out the fire by holding his hands over his eyes and wishing it was gone. He reminds me of a child that crawls under his bed to hide from the fire. Very sad.

The thing is that he probably feels as I did a the time . . . If the spouse really wants YOU and not the OP they will make their choice. Meanwhile the suffering just goes on and on . . .

BHFF,

I just went through your entire thread and have hope for you, but need to give you a little tough love.

My friend, you love your wife, that's very clear, but you need to remove the fear which has you paralyzed.

Let's get a few things clear: there is virtually zero chance that this affair of hers wasn't physical, especially if they work together.

Think really hard about your single days. Did you ever heavily flirt with a woman and make suggestive emails, letters, postings, and calls with a woman and NOT have physical things going on?

What are the odds that miscarriage wasn't your child?

You MUST remove fear from your actions. You're a fire fighter so you understand. Fear is a part of your job. But you don't let it control you, you control it. You walk into a burning building knowing full well the risks involved. Yet you do it because there are very specific steps you must take to combat a fire.

Those steps have been dictated and built by years of experience in fighting fires by yourself, your peers, and your predecessors.

So there are specific steps and procedures in place that exist for a reason.

Now, apply that to your current situation.

You're on a board with dozens of people who have been in your shoes, walked your walk, and understand the emotions you feel. We are able to think clearly while you have emotions clogging your thoughts.

So what do you do? Your first step is one which will upset her. I understand that you feel there is progress right now. I've been on this board long enough to get a good sense of when a man is being played by his WW and you, my friend, are a prime candidate.

The biggest lesson I've learned on these boards is that exposure not only works, it is essential.

You see, right now all you have is your trust for your WW that there is no contact. You're all alone in this and have no way of verifying that it is truly in place. You're not with her at work to really see if that is the case.

So it's easy for her. She knows you have your eye on her, so all she needs to do now is go underground. She can get a special cell phone to use when you're not around. She can talk to him at work or even meet up with him, all the while telling you that nothing is going on.

And you buy it because you WANT to buy it. I understand this better than anyone.

But you see, a WW lies. They rarely speak the truth. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see when dealing with your WW.

Get rid of this fear you have that she will get upset at your actions. Addicts get mad when you take away their crack pipe.

Look at her affair that way. You discovered she has a crack pipe. You're taking her word that she's not using it.

Well, time to destroy the crack pipe.

You MUST call the OMW. MUST. You will have an ally and you will hold the man who has been scr3wing your wife accountable for his actions.

Do not warn your wife that you will do this. She will tell everyone else and distort the truth that you're crazy and under a dellusion that she's having an affair and are unreasonable and jealous, etc.

Exposure is key to getting your marriage on the road to recovery. Read the stories on this forum if you don't believe me.

Waywards lie. I thought my wife was different and special. She's not.

You think your wife is different and we "just don't know her the way you do". Trust us, we've seen her before.

They all behave the same way.

They all hide their crack pipes.

Exposure is the light that ends the addiction.

Now, as for this idea that you're "invading her privacy" :RollieEyes:.

Get this idea into your head right now: You're not invading her privacy. You're invading her secrecy.

A lawyer might throw in your face that you are invading her privacy by spying on her. The response is simple, "No, I am uncovering her secrets, which is different. Her actions could lead to the destruction of our marriage and stick me with an STD. Sorry, secrecy is an attempt to hide destructive behavior. Privacy is shutting the door while using the bathroom."

So you MUST expose.

NOW.

Finish reading this and make that terrifying call to OM's wife. She deserves to know and you will have a powerful ally.

You should also isolate your finances. I was cleaned out by my WW.

You should do this until you can see that she is truly being open. A repentant and truly committed WW understands and accepts the fact that they are in the dog house. They understand that you have certain expectations she must meet to regain your trust.

You need to understand that wwes follow a leader. They don't follow a doormat. They will never just "wake up" or voluntarily surrender something which brings them so much joy (regardless of how destructive it is to you).

So expose. Like now.

I would like to apologize to everyone who has helped me and I did not listen. I have the solid proof of PA. I confronted OMW and OM tonight. WW is pissed. Now I am very scared. It did not end with me confronting her. Again my apologies to everyone. Now what?????

Give yourself a break. Nobody wants to believe that there spouse is capable of cheating. Most of us have experienced the same denial - only to be punched in the face with the truth. WW is pissed. That is typical too. She will get over it. Now, take a breath and try to remain calm. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, don't kick your wife out. Is your wife ready to end the affair and have no further contact with OM?

Secure your finances. Take half of liquid assets and secure it. Cancel joint credit cards.

Her anger is not fatal. Her adultery IS.

I dont know how she feels. She is mad that I confronted him. I told her I would not if it stopped. It didn't so I did. Now she is mad that I confronted. Do I want to save my marriage? As stupid as I feel saying it yes. With all of my heart I want my marriage to be better than it was. I want my wife to find her love back. I want my family to be healed. I want my boys to have their mom back.

GOOD ! You want to try and rescue your marriage.

I encourage you to read *** THIS THREAD *** and take the suggestions you find there very seriously.

Now time to Plan A

NO FIGHTING
with your wife

When she tries to fight with you (she will), you say :"Let's talk later when you aren't so angry. Can I bring you some coffee?"

Do not leave your bed or your home, no matter what!

If your wife becomes out of control with her anger, call a neighbor in to be a witness. Many WW's have falsely accused their husbands of making threats.

Learn to listen to your wife rant and rave without reacting.
OK to make comments like "I see how this is upsetting to you." or "Adultery is a very emotional experience for everyone involved."

Say "adultery" and not "affairs".

Don't engage in "relationship" talks with a mad woman. (ever !)

I'll think of more later....

Help. I need everyone's help. She will be home in 4 hours from work. She is as mad as I have ever seen her. Will I lose her?

Is she wondering if SHE will lose you???

LISTEN - the OM will probably DUMP your wife once his wife is in the loop.

ANY future contact between WW and OM - call OM W right away.

The more pressure his wife puts on OM - the faster he will DUMP your wife.

And once she realizes OM DUMPED her ... she will be angry AT HIM.

It happens over and over this way.

KEEP the pressure on OM via his wife.

Remain calm and polite. Be strong. No crying. No angry outbursts. No yelling. No insults. No judgement. Read Pepperbands advice again. It is exactly what you need to do right now. Do not discuss divorce or anybody leaving. Tell her that she can have some time to cool off before discussing anything with her. This is a huge decision. It should not be made in haste. You can't have a productive conversation when she is angry (temporarily insane).

Forgive me if I rattle. I have two little boys I am playing with while I post. In a weird way I feel better now than I have in 3 weeks. I am scared to death, but at least I have a little control of what is going on around me. I dont want to lose my wife. I think this was a terrible thing for her to do but I still love her deeply and want US back. I will need all of your help with Plan A. No contact will be hard but we will see.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!

Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage

do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse

Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

from the site:

Quote:



Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

BHFF no one can predict the future and there's no guarantee that your M can be saved. You can only put forth your best effort to try. Read Pep's post again. Remain calm but you need to be firm and toughen up. If WW gets out of control of abusive, remove yourself from the room. Let her freak out. You do not have to react with anger or tears. She will calm down at some point. If your emotions start to overhelm you, think of your boys and remember what you are fight for.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.


time to take your OWN inventory

compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this

don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action

DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

re-visit the emotional needs questionairre on this site

if your spouse is ACTIVELY continuing their affair after discovery ... try to get the information about his/her emotional needs indirectly

take the questionairre answering ~as if~ you were your adulterous spouse

then take the top 3 needs and get a plan together to fill their most important needs ~when possible~

caution is required if your spouse scores high on sexual fulfillment as their emotional need ... if your spouse is sleeping with someone else YOU need to enforce the use of condom protection ... and even that is not foolproof protection you won't be exposed to a disease

GET TESTED for STDs every so often if you are having sex with a still cheating spouse

MOST people in an affair do NOT use protection <~~~ is's a fact you must face !

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

by this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

you can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I inderstand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.