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#2236961 03/30/09 01:30 AM
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Alrey2 Offline OP
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Hello,

Sorry this is long. I need a little help. I was on here several years ago when I found out my wife was in an affair and she told me she had 2 others during our 8 year marriage.

I tried my best to plan A her for about 5 months but was weak and could not hold my anger when she would flaunt her phone calls with him and jewelery etc.

I moved out and tried to plan B her but she was happy I moved so she could continue the affair. We divored a year later and now it has been a year since. I never really plan b'ed more than a month at a time.

She could not afford the house anymore so I moved in and she out. In the year since the D we talked, mostly about swapping the kids back and forth. She would break up with the boyfriend, I would make attempts to reconcile she would always tell me it will never happen, I always ended up hurt again.

Well, she told me last week she finally is done with him. I have never let go of my love for her and started talking to her alot. She started letting me in on the craziness that her 3 year stint with him really was. I was doing good listening and feeling for her. I went to her house for dinner, the first with her and the kids together in 3 years. But, stupid me!

She was being really honest and told me that to get back at the boyfriend she had a one night stand a few days ago. I tried to play it off and understand her rebound situation, then I started talking of us trying to date again.

Two days later she is cold as ice again, tells me she will never be with me and is dating this other guy now.

I never really let go for 3 years, always hurting and hoping. When she finally ends it with the affair boy, I see a glimmer of hope and then get crushed again. Am I destined to do this for ever? Should I give up hope? Just when I was thinking of her less and less this happens and I am reliving the intense pain again.

Thanks


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2237347 03/30/09 03:46 PM
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Why do you want to be with your ex wife? How has she demonstrated that she'd be a good spouse for you, or anyone?
She's had 3 affairs. Then, when she breaks up with her boyfriend, her reaction is to have a ONS? That is the irrational, desperate behavior of a 20-year old. What that suggests to me is that her affairs may have had little to do with your relationship at all, and everything to do with her immaturity and emotional instability. In other words, even if you had been meeting all her needs perfectly and never ever made any withdraws from the love bank, your ex would still have cheated. This woman is a manipulative user. I think it's time get rid of rubbish and find someone who can be a good spouse.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Greengables #2237475 03/30/09 07:15 PM
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Alrey2 Offline OP
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Hi Greengables,

No doubt you are right and I agree. She was only a good spouse for a few years and has not been good to anyone of her relationships for very long at all. You know, it is strange, I have held on to this so long because I see or at least saw the caring commited person she can be before it all went sour. I have held on wanting those days back. I do not see what she has become as the true her, but I must be wrong.

I know it is silly and most likely would end the same. But she is the mother of my children, which makes it harder to get away.

I just thought after 3 years I would be more over it and now find out I am not. The pain and jealousy of the affair are back now that she is "dating".

I was not a great spouse for several years after my business failed so I guess I blame some of this on me too. I am better now but she does not care to see it.

Thanks


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2238145 03/31/09 06:00 PM
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Christian Carter has a set of dating and relationship CDs out, 10 in all, and I remember one of them said to look for a person with high character. Does your ex fit that bill? Also they said not to become exclusive with a person until a commitment is made. Learn to value yourself. Figure out the type of person you want and if someone doesn't fit that, move on. Don't hope to remake a person, whether it's your ex or not.
I heard recently a quote that went something like:
Wanting to get back with your ex is sort of like throwing a salad away and then digging it out of the garbage a week later to see if it tastes better. (It doesn't)


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Alrey2 #2238461 04/01/09 10:41 AM
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She was only committed and caring because she was getting something she wanted from you. Once you no longer provided what she needed, she dumped you, mentally if not physically.

Get out. Start a new hobby. Join a club. Take some college classes. There are a ton of women out there just dying for a man to be in a great relationship with.

catperson #2238588 04/01/09 01:30 PM
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You both are right, I know this. I do not know why I feel this way and have attributed it to love.

When I counseled with Jennifer two years ago she told me to try and hold on to my love and wait no more than two years after the divorce for her to realize what she has lost.

It is strange that when my ex is receptive to me I seem to want her less. Like my mind is telling me "this is not what you really want" "it could never work"

Much of the time when I miss her/want her back, I try to reprogram my thoughts to include how wrong it is, it would not work, she would do it again, why in the world would you take her back.

Then the desire to reconcile returns. I did not see this coming. I envisioned the end of the affair and her coming back repentant, us making amends and have a stronger love because of it all, much like a few of the stories here. My journey has not been textbook and I stand here dazed and confused.



Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2238599 04/01/09 01:49 PM
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You would benefit from learning about your FOO issues (family of origin). They have shaped who you are. Some people develop a need to 'save' people so they look for partners who are flawed. When they help that person, they give themselves a false sense of worth. Of course, when that person poops all over them - cos that's what those kinds of people do - they feel even worse than before - and therefore need that pooping person (so they can save them again) all the more.

Look up FOO and start learning.

I read a great book recommended here called Emotional Alchemy that may help.

kaycstamper #2238604 04/01/09 01:52 PM
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High Character in my Ex? I used to think so, but have been proven wrong time and again. I guess I am going on the assumption that she could come back to having character again.

Also, funny that GG above mentioned that she has the mentality of a 20ish yr old. The affair was with a 23 yr old, the new boy toy is 27, she is 38 now. She goes out to bars constantly with them or with other younger friends. Catperson states she was caring of me while she was getting what she wanted. Well, when we met in our early 20's we went out drinking alot. When we got into our 30's I no longer enjoyed this, I grew up, matured. Maybe this is what she really wants and is why she dates young men.

I have offered this observation that she seems to be only about the party in her life but she tells me she actually is not, only goes out 3 times/month etc.

I don't know, maybe I am overlaying the type of woman I wish to be with onto her and how she actually fit the bill for many years, thinking that she is the woman I wish for, but in actuality she is what she has become. In which case, no, I could not be with that.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
catperson #2238607 04/01/09 01:57 PM
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Alrey2 Offline OP
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Thanks Catperson,

I will look up this FOO and read. I guess you say lookup as in just search the term or is there a specific book or site that explains this?

I will look into the book you mention as well.

Anything to help me understand what is going on.

Thanks


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2238608 04/01/09 01:58 PM
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Based purely on my observations here, it is very rare after 2 years for a spouse to return and to have a relationship that is really good. I suspect your journey is more typical than not. Plus, your ex has exhibited the emotional maturity of a tadpole. She is a user. She even got her kids hopes up by having dinner with you and the kids. That sends really mixed signals to the children. Having divorced parents stinks, having divorced parents who blow hot and cold is much worse.

You are probably dazed and confused because you didn't see her manipulation. You had a dream of happily ever after, and you wanted her to fit that.

I'm really sorry, but it's time to let go, and finish healing. You deserve better.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Greengables #2238625 04/01/09 02:29 PM
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Alrey2 Offline OP
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Greengables,

You made me laugh with the "emotional maturity of a tadpole" comment. Something in the comparison of a sliming little critter who transforms into another slimy little critter. I often think about how she is like a chameleon. She adapts and changes to her current situation in an attempt to blend in, not be see for what she really is and get what she wants by using this skill.

Also, right now I am feeling somewhat helpless, which is clouding my judgement. I have been laid off at work and am currently looking for employ. I also have had pretty low self esteem since the affair, it has not been high most of my life anyway.

My plan until she recently ended her affair, was to find another job, get the house in my name only (she is still the borrower, always was, I had closed a business so we used her credit only) which takes a job, and then when I felt somewhat productive in life again to start dating.

The dating part will be tough for me. I have a great fear of rejection and self esteem issues. The second issue is because although I am not ugly I am also not handsome. I need to lose a few pounds, slightly balding etc. I am scared to try dating, but I must in order to get the life I wish for.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2238627 04/01/09 02:32 PM
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You mentioned that you didn't really do more than a 1 month Plan B. By this, I assume you mean that you didn't go longer than 1 month without contact. One of the things that no contact does is it allows you to develop yourself independently from the marriage partner (spouse) you once were. It seems to me that you haven't done this. Your continued association with your ex allows you to maintain a relationship with her. Unfortunately, it's not a healthy relationship but an abusive one, where she takes advantage of you and you are in a perpetual state of hoping she might change. Well, she won't.

You really need to disengage yourself from her. She is not your friend - don't try and be friendly with her. This doesn't mean be rude - you can most certainly be civilized and polite. Just don't have any more conversation than absolutely necessary. Don't tell her anything about your life. Don't allow her to tell you about hers. Treat her like a clerk in a court house where you pay your speeding ticket - you have to speak to her but you don't want her to know any extra information in case she finds out you have unpaid parking tickets as well.

You shouldn't even know if or when she has a boyfriend, or anything about him - unless she's getting remarried and this guy will be part of your kids' lives. She shouldn't know anything about your life either.

Tabby1 #2238645 04/01/09 03:02 PM
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Tabby,

It is true about plan B. I think the longest was when I moved out and went 3 months or so with no contact, mostly because I was to hurt to talk. Since that time I would talk with her because it made me feel good, then I would not because I know I needed to get away, back and forth.

Recently I speak with her about the kids and then one of us starts in on other subjects.

You are right. I am still in some kind of relationship with her and unhealthy to boot. I find it so difficult to stop dreaming of the reconcile. I feel good when we have a good conversation and bad when it goes astray. I loved being married, having a wife, a proud husband and father, I did not know until the end that she had a second life for so long.

I know what I should do and what I have to do to get there, but always in the back of my mind is the dream. What if it could happen against all odds. That would be so wonderful. I know it is unlikely, I know you other posters are shaking your heads saying this guy is out of his mind.

I just hope that something shakes out. I know that in the future I will overcome this whether she come along or not, I just have not been able to bring myself to close the chapter with her.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Tabby1 #2238647 04/01/09 03:06 PM
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Excellent advice, Tabby.

As for self-esteem, you can work on that. I like the whole "God doesn't make garbage" philosphy. That has really helped me. It doesn't matter what other people think of me--I have innate value. In fact, my value isn't even dependent on what I think of me. I have innate value because I am. So do you. Also, I personaly find cognitive whatever to be helpful. If I catch myself thinking a bad thought about myself, I change the thought around. Do this even if you don't quite believe it. For example, you may think "I'm a mess. I lost my job." You can change this around by thinking "Gosh, that economy is tough, even I got laid off. Good thing I'm a hard worker and smart. I'll be able to find a new job. Now what little step can I take right now to help me get a new job?"


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Alrey2 #2238654 04/01/09 03:15 PM
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When I mentioned her character to you I was trying to get you to be objective and see her character for what it is. You seem to be dreaming of having her back how you fantasize her to be rather than how she actually is...I understand. I still love my ex to some degree but I'd have to be insane to even consider going back with him. Does this create a conflict within me at times? You bet it does! That's something I'm working through and am getting better at every day, but we've only been divorced two months, separated for four months, so I am still in the process of getting over him. The "him" that I miss is the "him" he used to be or I thought he was, and I may never know for sure which that is.
It is important that you act in you and your children's best interest, not chase a fantasy that is NOT likely to occur.

Last edited by Vows4Good; 04/01/09 03:17 PM. Reason: typo

Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Tabby1 #2238666 04/01/09 03:29 PM
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Thank you folks for talking to me, I am sure it is not easy to hear me go back and forth in my head, in denial that it is over and I must move on.

To be perfectly honest, when I found out the affair partner was gone, I intended to go full steam back for her, re-plan A. Deep within me is the feeling that it is not smart and this is why I showed up back here. I also wonder if I want her back just to show myself she wanted me all along. Of course if this is true then it would never work out and be a mistake to try.

Greengables, I will feel so much better about me when I have a job again. I do believe I have much to offer a partner and someone out there will feel glad to have me. It is so difficult to find a job right now.

As you may be able to tell it takes time for things to sink ito my head, be processed and finally accepted. I know I will get there, but hate that it is so painful to do so.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
kaycstamper #2238675 04/01/09 03:41 PM
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Vows,

I really believe with all my heart that it is in my childrens best interest to be a whole family again. Only if the love on both sides returns and flourishs. The danger is that it fails again and hurts my childern even more. This is something I do not take lightly. If only I could know it could work. On my end I am willing to put forth the effort for the rest of time, but I can not control how she would respond. I guess I am currently feeling the waters with her to see if it is worth pursuit, if she could or even willing to try.

I know for me it is best to get over it and move on. Me, is not my concern. If it can not work then I must protect my children from further pain and confusion.

How are you so strong after only 4 month seperation? Also, Humpty Dumpty, if they could not put him back together again, what did he do? Go on with life a broken shell?

Last edited by Alrey2; 04/01/09 03:46 PM.

Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2238685 04/01/09 03:57 PM
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I must go to a meeting with a real estate broker now. I am trying to get the house in my name.

I will return. Thank you all for your thoughts and if you are going through a D or recovering from one, bless you for being so strong for yourself and others like me, who are not.

Bye for now

Last edited by Alrey2; 04/01/09 03:58 PM. Reason: typing

Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #2238692 04/01/09 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Alrey2
Thanks Catperson,

I will look up this FOO and read. I guess you say lookup as in just search the term or is there a specific book or site that explains this?

I will look into the book you mention as well.

Anything to help me understand what is going on.

Thanks
No, just google it. You'll find plenty of websites that talk about it.

catperson #2239081 04/02/09 12:12 PM
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Humpty Dumpty for me represents my marriage...it was in recognizing that no matter what I did, I could not make it well. That is because the onus was on my (ex)husband. It was he that made the choices/actions that I cannot live with,,,cheating on me, lying to me, stealing from me, manipulating me, conning me, standing me up continually, abandoning me, and just basically having major character flaws in general. I still care about him and the memories still hurt, only God and time will heal that.
My strength comes from God, my faith, past experiences, and knowing that I continue to go on the right path.
I don't think you can separate what is best for you from what is best for your children. Having a healthy (inside and out) parent IS what is best for your children...what affects you, affects them. Having you and your life stable and at peace is in their ultimate best interest.
As long as you vacillate you will feel conflict inside. It is in knowing that we are choosing the right action and then implementing it that we have peace inside.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .

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