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#2240312 04/04/09 12:29 AM
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KrYmsYn Offline OP
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I apologize in advance for the length of this!
My husband and I have been facing some difficulties recently.
There was an instance where he called a female friend from work. The situation was innocent enough- he told me what was said and why he even thought to call her (as she isn't someone he calls regularly). I was upset because he typically calls me at some point in his work day, but on this particular day he didn't have time to do so because they were too busy. But he called her? I felt jealous, threatened, and worried. I felt as though he had put her before me: giving her time that should have been mine. I also don't know this friend and though he had mentioned her before, he had never mentioned her by name or in the context of friends. Now, if I knew her and he had made the time for me that he usually does- there wouldn't have been a problem. Now when I told him I was upset about it; he blew up and told me that I wasn't controlling his life and telling him who he can and can't be friends with. I never mentioned anything about that, I just said that the phone call had upset me and I do not have a reputation with him for being controlling. He said that he could tell by my "tone" that I was accusing him- which I hadn't said anything about that either.
Second: After the above incident, he received a "bumpersticker" from the app on myspace from a mutual friend of ours who is a female friend (we are also friends with her husband). The bumpersticker was a short "film" that I only caught the last (about) 30 seconds of. I looked a little mushy to me and something that I wouldn't send to a male friend. I asked him why she was sending him something like that and he replied, "Don't f-ing go there." He exploded again and said that my tone was "accusing." Accusing who and of what? He couldn't answer. He repeated that I wasn't going to control his life. I asked him why he is so paranoid about me being controlling when he acknowledges that I'm not? The only answer that he could give me was that he felt like he couldn't spend time with his friends away from me. He works, goes to school full time, and we have a 15 month old. He is always complaining that he does have enough time to spend time with our son, with me, or to even sleep! Now he wants to split his time up more? I agree that it is healthy, but for now, in light of recent events- I am uncomfortable with it. After saying "spending time away from each other with friends," he mentioned that he would also want our son and I to come along also. It didn't matter either way to him.
We have kind of a cache 22 in our relationship: I can't trust him if he's not open and he finds it difficult to be open when he thinks someone doesn't trust him.
We both definitely have trust issues. The above doesn't help this.
I knew my husband as a friend prior to having a romantic relationship that led to marriage. He was always faithful and I saw him be nothing but a good boyfriend in his previous relationship. His time is accounted for, he goes to work when he says he does, brings home print outs of the work schedule, brings home clock out slips (none of which I require, btw, he just does it), there is no money missing from our bank account, and when he is out grocery shopping or visiting his Dad he calls and checks in regularly.
The only reason I have to feel suspicious is the way he has reacted to me questioning his female friends; which goes beyond defensive to outright combative.
I don't know what to think at this point. I know that he's not the type of person to cheat, physically or emotionally. I just don't understand all of his hostility towards me.
Thanks in advance.


"There are 3 sides to every story- his side, her side, and the truth."
~~KrYmsYn~~
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He should NOT be spending time with female friends outside of your company. Period. You don't have a catch-22--"I can't be open unless you trust me?" That's bull-speak for "If you'd quit asking me questions, I could pretend like I'm open and honest."

Don't let him put the blame on his dishonesty and hostility on you. You can certainly influence him, but you can't control the words that come out of his mouth or the way he chooses to react.

Keep an eye open. You may think he's not the kind of person who would cheat, but a lot of people have been blindsided by spouses they trusted. "Forsaking all others", remember that? If you are uncomfortable with a female 'friend', then he should gladly forsake her for you, his wife. He promised to.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Have you read the material here on Love Busters and Emotional Needs? Having kids often puts a new strain on a relationship. You not only have to make sure you are not Love Busting him and meeting all his Emotional Needs, but you have to not ignore him because of the baby, and you have to make sure you're still getting 15 hours together away from work/school/baby. If you let any of that go, you have a recipe for disaster.

Yes, I'm telling you to fix YOUR side of the marriage. But my guess is that, given all of the above, you are no longer meeting his need for attention and admiration. Things that men often get from other women, even just friends. The danger is that it can easily segue from friendship into 'true' feelings. Voila! An affair.

So what are you willing to do to change things?

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KrYmsYn, I agree with Catperson ... you need to focus on what you can do to create a space for your husband that feels safe for him to be open and honest. You say you don't understand his hostility, but take a look at your post ... you got upset with him when he was open and honest with you about calling his friend. He told you exactly what was said and why he called and you had no problem with that. But you "rewarded" his honesty by getting mad at him for something which he can't control ... you making the fact that he didn't have time to call you mean that you were less important than the friend he did call. Do you realize how silly that is? You totally disregard all the other things he does to show you how important you are to him -- for example sharing a home, money and a child. If a phone call is all it takes to make that mean nothing, you do have a serious problem.

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KrYmsYn Offline OP
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Sometimes what seems silly to someone, isn't to someone else. I'm not going to get hurt or upset over something that is rather arbitrary. Furthermore, I'm going to say something about something that hurts me. It is hard to give advice when you weren't actually there, and didn't see how he reacted.
His reaction is what concerns me. His hostility was based on the grounds of my "tone" and the fact that I was telling him I was upset by it...but he was the one that jumped to the conclusion that I was accusing him of being more involved with this person than just a friend. I NEVER said anything like that. Why would he think that I am thinking that? Especially when he just openly told me about the phone call? I didn't. Not until he started acting the way he was.
His reason? My "tone of voice" and he knew that it wasn't going to go any where else besides me accusing him. His man's intuition.
The whole point that I've been trying to get across to him is that he shouldn't jump to those conclusions- it makes him look guilty. When he blows up about something, jumps to conclusions, and is outright combative about his "friendship" with a woman...don't you find that suspicious? Not to mention that it has happened on more than one occasion (he was also combative over the myspace thing) and then he mentions spending more time away...
Though he isn't the type to cheat- in any way, but there are a lot of red flags that shouldn't be ignored.
Yes, I do need to maintain an environment where he feels comfortable opening up. The incidents themselves are not what have caused my issues. I was hurt by the phone call because my husband has a hectic schedule. He works, goes to school FT, then has a family. I get very little of his time as it is; when he is giving that time to someone else and I feel like it should be mine first? Well, maybe my feelings about that can be understood a little better now.
The actual cause of my issues about the situation is his reaction and the red flags.


"There are 3 sides to every story- his side, her side, and the truth."
~~KrYmsYn~~
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KrYmsYn Offline OP
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I printed out the questionnaires and we took them both.
The result: a fight!
We don't get 15 hours together a week. He's got so much going on. Plus with all the fighting recently, he hasn't been trying too hard to make time for me.
At this point, he's completely pissed off that the fight has been going on for so long. He thinks that by simply ignoring the person when/if they work together is going to fix everything. I told him that because of how he reacted, it made the situation worse. Like I said, it's not entirely the phone call that caused the problems.
He asked what else he could do and I told him to do some extra things to make me feel loved, wanted, respect, and appreciated. His reply was, "So what...I'm supposed to play suck up for a month?" Then he rolled his eyes.
"Play suck up?!" WTF is that? I'm seeing another red flag: he doesn't want to put in the effort it will take to repair that damage to the relationship.
My thoughts? Why try if he's not willing to? I can't make it work on my own. I can take the first step, but beyond that...I don't see him putting in too much effort.
It's really very simple: if you are asked a question about a friend- any friend- and the answer is innocent...why get hostile? Because you ass-u-me that something is what it really isn't? There was no justification or reason for him reacting the way he did. "I'm hurt by that be-" then he started yelling.
How am I supposed to meet his needs for "attention and admiration" (in his case it seems to be more appreciation, however he's not seeing how I'm already showing my appreciation), if he doesn't tell me what they are? When I asked him how I could show that more he really didn't have an answer. The job description of being a wife doesn't include mind reading!
I am trying my best to work things out. I feel as though I'm not getting the same from him. That is why I'm still awake at 4:30 a.m.


"There are 3 sides to every story- his side, her side, and the truth."
~~KrYmsYn~~
CWMI #2240702 04/05/09 03:41 AM
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KrYmsYn Offline OP
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I agree with some of what you said, and some I don't. I don't mind him having female friends, but if he's hostile every time I ask a question...it's gonna start to bother me like it currently is. He gets aggravated over me having too many male friends, even though (at this point in time) he won't admit to it. He does that whenever he wants to "win" an argument. However, that freedom goes both ways. When he questions my male friends I answer him, simple and honest.
I think you are right that I should keep an eye on things. I also think he is wrong to blame his reaction on my "tone." I do think that sometimes it is normal to react with an attitude to someone when they are coming across that way; but when it's your spouse- I don't see it being the same as some random a-hole in a bar.
But you are right- he should be willing to let those friends go that cause problems. And he does.
Really the issue at this point is rebuilding what was broken down by this series of events. As I stated in a previous post to another forum member, I don't see a lot of willingness on his part. He is just continuing to confirm my suspicions.
But let's consider that the problem (not any incident specifically) has been a daily or every other day topic of conversation. He says he is getting pissed off by it because it is over with- he's ignoring the phone call woman. But what he's failing to do is what needs done at home.


"There are 3 sides to every story- his side, her side, and the truth."
~~KrYmsYn~~
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You're right, I wasn't there so I am only basing what I say on what I read in your post which probably doesn't cover everything.

However, it seems like you may be guilty of doing exactly what you say you don't want your husband to do ... jump to conclusions. I will take your word that he is blowing up without much provocation at you, but then you seem to jump to the conclusion that means he is doing something suspicious. Another plausible explanation is that what you are doing really annoys him. Also you make assumptions about what your husband thinks/feels. He doesn't admit to not liking you having male friends, but you think he does because he's used that in arguments. Again, jump to conclusion ... he could have been saying those things because he wanted to win the argument you started about his female friends, not because he really feels that way. He might just be pointing out how you are asking for things you don't ask from yourself. You keep saying he's not the type to cheat, but you are looking really hard for signs that he is. You need to ask yourself why.

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KYY,
In reading this thread it seems there may be some built up frustration, anger or concealed feelings on both your parts. And that is why you both can't seem to get beyond the defensiveness that leads to anger / fights. I would suggest mediation in the form of a phone session with Harley.

GG


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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KrYmsYn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: SnuggleFresh
You're right, I wasn't there so I am only basing what I say on what I read in your post which probably doesn't cover everything.

However, it seems like you may be guilty of doing exactly what you say you don't want your husband to do ... jump to conclusions. I will take your word that he is blowing up without much provocation at you, but then you seem to jump to the conclusion that means he is doing something suspicious. Another plausible explanation is that what you are doing really annoys him. Also you make assumptions about what your husband thinks/feels. He doesn't admit to not liking you having male friends, but you think he does because he's used that in arguments. Again, jump to conclusion ... he could have been saying those things because he wanted to win the argument you started about his female friends, not because he really feels that way. He might just be pointing out how you are asking for things you don't ask from yourself. You keep saying he's not the type to cheat, but you are looking really hard for signs that he is. You need to ask yourself why.


You bring up some very vaild points. So far, what I can tell is this:
His hostility seems to be coming from a place of resentment. I'm not asking him to "prove" where he's at by bringing home clock out slips, but he's providing that to me anyways. Therefore, when I ask him a simple question, he blows up because he is frustrated that nothing he seems to do will make me happy and secure in that area.
The problem? He's not providing me with the "proof" I need. I want a closer connection, so what he is doing may "prove" that he was actually at work, but I don't worry about whether he is where he says he is. He's not doing it in the way that I need.
As of right now anything I say or do pertaining to this topic just pisses him off. I can't talk to him about it anymore, which makes me more depressed and insecure, not providing me with what I need, and creating more resentment in him. In fact for the most part he's avoiding me or simply not talking to me.
I really don't want to live like this. But what do I do?


"There are 3 sides to every story- his side, her side, and the truth."
~~KrYmsYn~~
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frown I'm sorry you feel like you can't talk to him about this anymore. That must make you feel isolated and frustrated.

I'm not sure I know what you mean by the proof you need. Can you explain that more? What is the proof you need? Your husband might not know either since he is brining you things to prove something to you that aren't satisfying you. Also, what exactly is this proof supposed to prove?


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