Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 18
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 18
Hi
I have been married for almost 10 years, with two kids 4 and 7. My wife and I both work and do a lot of team tagging - you take the kids while I work etc...
I sometimes think we are better at doing that than at actually operating together as a team and a family.
We are currently trying to negotiate some time abroad for the family because of work demands and the issue is the timing. I find myself backing away from my position when I sense that it creates a conflict. This is not uncommon, and sometimes I have attributed it to character differences - she tends to be more forceful, I tend to be more mild mannered.
I m afraid that I will end up agreeing to something that does not suit my needs, but can't seem to get past the withdrawal and conflict stages to the enthusiastic stage.
I also find it very hard to just state my needs and the accompanying emotions.
I hate the fact that I tend to back down and yet I see myself doing it. How to get to true dialogue? Is the character issue real or is there other stuff going on, other issues I need to focus on to get to a good place with this.
thanks!

silverhorse

Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,144
silverhorse,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

May I respectfully suggest that it's not "character" or personality that is causing the problem? It's behavior, which is very much within your control....

It's about choices.

You can CHOOSE to state your position clearly and calmly and ask your wife to do so as well (of course, SHE has the choice to do the same...or not. Much depends on how you approach her).

You can choose to hear each other's point of view and consider them equally valid, respecting each other.

When you disagree, you can choose to brainstorm solutions that leave both of you satisfied, no "winner" no "loser," as equal partners, regardless of either partner's "character."

You are probably unfamiliar with the Marriage Builders' concept of the "Policy of Joint Agreement." Most of us here lived in ignorance of it, till that way of behaving (and many others) destroyed our love for each other, and often blew our marriages apart.

Suggest you read everything linked to the home page on this site. You will see that husbands and wives have the privilege of, and the responsibility to meet each other's emotional needs (you may be surprised at what some of them are); avoid hurting each other with thoughtless behaviors ("love busters"); and be radically HONEST with each other.

Our "character" is completely under our own control, whether or not we realize it. To deny that is simply being dishonest with ourselves. We cannot change someone else's, although we can invite them to make changes by showing them our own first. Here you will find a plan to learn how best to do that. Many of us have been successful. It's a lot of work, though. Are you up to it?

The marital wisdom found on this site, these forums and the accompanying books "His Needs Her Needs"and "Love Busters") has led my husband and me back to the romantic love and the way we treated each other when we first married. For us, it took the enormous pain of infidelity to get our attention. If you can learn and apply the principles outlined here, you can get there without the pain we suffered.

It is an awesome path of study. I invite you to learn about it so you and your wife can enjoy the marriage you want and make these decisions from love and caring, where neither of you live in resignation, resentment or sacrifice.

Blessings on you both.

Right Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
What is your fear?

You fear something will happen if you state your case. What is it?

Most likely disapproval or abandonment, the most typical fears.

What's the worst that will happen if you tell her what YOU want?

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 18
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 18
Thanks for the advice. Yes I think it is something I need to work on because it seems to be quite deeply rooted. I find it very difficult to be honest with my wife about my emotional needs, and I don't know the causes of this accomodating behavior, just know that it is there.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
So tell her that! Ask her to help you!

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 18
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 18
I don't think that would work. She is not very supportive when it comes to my opening up about stuff I'm working on. But thanks for the advice

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Originally Posted by silverhorse
I don't think that would work. She is not very supportive when it comes to my opening up about stuff I'm working on. But thanks for the advice

Please don't do what you don't think would work. You've been doing what you think will work and hating yourself...

Quote
I hate the fact that I tend to back down and yet I see myself doing it. How to get to true dialogue? Is the character issue real or is there other stuff going on, other issues I need to focus on to get to a good place with this.


Do you really think your wife wants you to hate yourself? Does she know you think she's unsupportive of intimacy, ownership and partnering? I do think your character is at stake here...because conflict-avoidance is dishonesty and is most often the key ingredient to ending marriages.

Radical honesty will get you to loving yourself again...regardless of how your wife responds or not. You'll stop deceiving. Which makes a lot of other stuff happen, btw...and lays at the root like a sickness.

Free and heal yourself. Not from your marriage, from your lies by omission. You see her as forceful and she may see you as wimpy. Sneaky. Manipulative.

When one partner over-does, leaves only room for under-doing. Full partners don't over or under do...they do, and do from love.

Builds trust, respect and results in loving feelings.

Every time you do not state, "I don't want conflict right now and I'm assuming there will be if I say I don't agree with you right now. I need help kicking my assumptions so I will stop lying to you by omission."

Both of you crave respect, equality, love and trust...and neither of you are acting from those things, so you aren't experiencing deep intimacy. Takes only one to change the pattern. You're here.

If you only act on guesses...supposing she will or won't, so you will or won't based on her...

you will continue to hate her for what you are choosing to do...which continues the cycle. Do it as an act of honor to your marriage to stop basing your choices on responses outside of your control...it takes your focus off what you can control...your choices.

Read the responses to you again...do not imagine these folks haven't been right where you are now...and by reading, especially about the respect inherent in the Policy of Joint Agreement, Radical Honesty, and Rules of Time and Care...they began loving themselves, their spouses, their marriages and lives a lot more than before. And it didn't depend on whether their spouses were supportive or not.

LA


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5