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Joined: Apr 2009
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lnm1109 Offline OP
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Hello. This is my first time here. I need some advise and thoughts from impartial people. My wife and I have been together since 2000. She was 18 at the time and I was 21. She is now 27 and I am 30. We now have a 7 yr old boy. We have had a lot of rough times throught the years and stuck by each other. I though that was a good thing. four years ago she admitted feeling absolutely nothing for me anymore. According to her not my fault. I am the best husband she could fine. Which to me meant nothing because she feels nothing. I sort of moved out. But Spent a lot of time at the house, because of my son. After a month or so, she said she made a mistake. I spent four years fixing anything about me she thought was a negative part of me ( eventhough she said that her lack of feeling for me had nothing to do with me). Last year she developed these panic attacks due to anxiety and depression. Ofcourse in my head this is me. Finally this weekend she admitted again feeling nothing for me. How I do all of these romantic things and she has no complaints, her friends and family say she will never find someone like me. That she is making a mistake. She wants to take another brake, but she's afraid is the wrong move. That she'll reliaze she made a mistake and I won't take her back. I guess taking the break is not really an option. My son is very smart and he knows exactly what's happening. I have to keep my relationship with him exactly the way it's now. But, should I move out and take it from there or should I stay in the house? Is it possible to feel nothing and then feel something? Or she just feeling guilt for not feeling love?

Thanks for listening!

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It sounds to me like she is confused about mature love vs. romantic love. There's the thrill of a new romance, then there's the mature love of the day-to-day, where things aren't always perfect and sometimes you grate on each other, but there's a commitment so you look to improve the day-to-day and grate on each other less. She may be thinking that since she doesn't have butterflies anymore, and you sometimes grate on her, it must mean she doesn't love you, but that's not always true. It's just having unreasonable expectations of what it means to Love. Love as in the verb love. That she's currently afraid that splitting may be the wrong move is a very good sign.

Do not move out. You stay put, mister. If she wants to break up her home, let her be the one to pick up her life and move it elsewhere. You stay put.

Have you read this article? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

Get her on board if you can, but even if you cannot, use the tools on this site to do what you can to save your marriage. If she wants to leave, please leave that with her, let her do the heavy lifting on that end.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I agree with Can as far as not moving out. You should read the article Can provided the link. Your wife was young when you married and I think it is typical that years later she may have doubt and questions her decisions made early in life - like marriage. She may be thinking she missesd out on something. That is why she goes through these periods of needing space. There's definately two things you both can do - take the emotional needs questionnaire. That will help you understand your top needs and especially for her to understand what her needs are. Then you need to read the article on love bank. If you remove the LB and meet her needs I think you will find that she will start to view things differently. Also I would suggest trying to have fun together. Get out of the house - go on a date together doing something you both will enjoy.

GG


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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It's a rough call. I had the same problem with my wife. Well past the infactuation stage, my wife said that she did not love me anymore. I choose to stay in the house for about 10 more months, but my wife still said that she was not in love with me anymore. I will tell you that your wife must be willing to work on the marriage too. Eventually I was exhausted and made the decision to file for divorce. Too much trying to met her needs, while she was doing nothing to met mine. As long as your wife is willing to work 50% on the marriage I would say stay. If she is unable to pick up this slack, I'm sad to say, you will be unable to save the marriage solo.

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lnm1109 Offline OP
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I have been trying to work with her. Her psychologist asked her what else can she want from me. If she is trying to work it out because she thinks that there's a chance to make it work than that's great. But, if she's doing it because of my son how attached the two of us are, could the relationship really improve?

Thanks for the thoughts and advise. Keep them coming.

And thank you, canwemakeit, I WILL STAY PUT!

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I may take a beating for this, but I think having children can be a great motivation to stay together. Not in a martyr "stay together FOR the children" way, nobody wants that, least of all the kids. I'm talking about in a "my kids deserve parents who love each other, so I'm going to give them that." Not as a motivation to suffer through, but as a motivation to repair.

Have you guys read Men are from Mars? It made a lot of sense to me and my H, how men get close and retreat, like a snapping rubber band, and women have highs and lows, like a wave. lol, so it's like the only really super-fantastic cloud-nine moments are on those very rare occasions when his rubber band snaps her at the top of her wave.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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lnm1109 Offline OP
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MY parents stayed together for the sake the kids. Once we were all old enough to understand, I mean I was already married with kids, than they went their seperate ways. And we all get together at holidays and birthdays. It was no picnic for us kids, but it would have been worse for us if both parents were not around.

I will buy that book today.


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