When your WH finds out, he is going to be *furious*.
This is to be expected.
It means he's ashamed of the affair and is embarrassed at being "found out".

Those feelings, coupled with the watchful eyes of people close to him, will help terminate the affair. It may not end immediately (though it might!) but I guarantee you it won't be nearly so much fun for them any more.

He will tell you all kinds of lies. Do NOT get sucked into them. Do NOT believe them. DO NOT LOVEBUST.

He'll say things like "I was trying to end it with her. I was about to move home but you've destroyed any chance of that. I never want to see you again, let alone stay married to you." He may threaten divorce. He will tell you how you have betrayed him with this horrible act (hiring a PI) and how he can never trust you again (puke puke).

If he threatens divorce, you reply "I don't talk divorce, I only talk reconciliation." and change the subject.

When he says ugly and hateful things, tell him you're prepared to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Tell him that does NOT mean you have to listen to his verbal abuse. Then change the subject, ask him to call back when he's more calm, or go into another room or take a walk.

If he wants to move home right away (I doubt he will, but it helps to think of all possibilities) then you have two options. You could let him move back in (so you can keep an eye on him) or you can make him prove his sincerity in wanting to end the A and work on the M *before* you agree to let him move back home. I prefer the latter. I would ask him "What are you going to do to earn back my trust? You have to earn my trust before I'd be comfortable living under the same roof as you." and leave him with that thought.

I had given up on you.
I'm so glad you're exposing.

called VP HR & Boss. They are great people. WH has already called and I stuck to the script "I'll do anything to save my marriage and my family." All he wanted to know is if it was me that called them.

Call everyone else.
Exposure in dribs and drabs has minimum effect.
Do it ALL today.

GOOD JOB, VST!!!! I knew you had it in you. You are a strong woman fighting for your marriage and your family!

TH is right. Exposure like a tsunami--everything at once.

I've exposed to the following:
HR VP
Boss
His mother (cried and cried)
sister
friend
OWH

The VP of HR called me back and said that they didn't include the OW in their "talk" because her son was with her at work and sitting in her office. They didn't feel that should upset her in front of him. I agree with that.

I just called the OWH and calmly told him and told him to please not give up hope for his marriage because we didn't do it right after the first discovery by letting them continue to work together. I told him I still have hope for my marriage and that I had already spoken to their boss. I couldn't tell what his reaction was, he seemed calm and listened to me, but who knows what is taking place at this moment.

I still have a sister and a step-daughter to talk to.

Thanks guys for all your support. I'm doing well right now.

AWESOME JOB VST!!!!!.....I knew you had it in you too!!!! How do you feel???

Now stick to the script, NO MATTER WHAT WH does or says. NO MATTER WHAT. Stay calm in the midst of his storm......

Have you seen "Be the lighthouse" thread????

I'll bump it up for you.....

And I agree, expose to EVERYONE!!!!!

Especially her H.

not2fun

I just saw your other thread about the PI.

{{{{{{{VST}}}}}}}}

I know it hurts so badly when you get that "proof".

This is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!......


You have put a HUGE dent into their fantasy "Affairland". A really big dent. YOu see affairee's think that their "love" is wonderful and when everyone see's how happy they are and how "wonderful" it is, that everyone will be okay with it. They think their spouses will just take this and quietly step out of the way and life will be one big wonderful trip......

Well, REALITY is much different than that. Exposure brings reality much more into the light......

Now, be prepared to be painted in the "pyscho-betrayed" spouse by WH and OW. Just stay calm and cool and keep stating your truth. Even if you are going crazy on the inside......its a "never-let-them-see-you-sweat" mantra for you......

You are doing amazing. Keep it up.......and remember we are all here cheering you on......


not2fun

vst..not posting much right now but I am SO happy to hear you have exposed. Sounds like you have done it well.

You MUST stay calm and DEFINITELY do not LB when WH freaks out.

I am linking my exposure thread for you...please IGNORE and LEARN FROM the mistakes I made. They are pretty clear, I even admit them and then friends point them out to me as well.

But overall I did a good job and my exposure ended the A THAT DAY.

Remember: exposure is like turning the lights on in a crack house...no one wants to admit to doing CRACK with others watching. They run and hide because of the shame. This is what WH and OW will do now.

Here is my thread:

MF's Exposure Thread

Hang in there...you may crash after this...you needed the adrenaline to get you through and so you are feeling ok now...but it may hit you. Prepare yourself for that if you can...

(((vst)))

Just talked to WH. He said all the things you said he would. We're done. You've embarassed me. I'm going to see a lawyer on Friday. You've just blown up her family...yada yada yada blah blah blah.

He still wanted to deny it....I had to ask him where he was a lunch today. He said "I went down to the boat". I said did anyone else go? "No." I said "I know that isn't the truth". He said so you hired a PI, great. I stuck to the montra...I was calm and cool. I said I have hope for you and for our marriage. He said "you've ruined my reputation at work". I said if you do the right thing you can rebuild your integrity and regain their respect. I said, I will not give up on you or this marriage. He said, well I'm done.....BUT he listened to everything I said!

You're right, I'm going to crash, I can feel it coming. I have not told our daughter yet. I'm really not sure about doing that....

Oh and the clincher was this, he said "you didn't give me a chance to do the work I needed to do on myself..." I said, and she was helping? Arghhghghghghghgh!!!!!!

Also, when I called his family I suggested that they not call him today so they said just let us know what you want us to do. What do you suggest?

((((((((VST))))))))))

Who do you have for support at home??? A trusted friend??? Sibling??? Parents????

This is vital as well. This place was wonderful. I am forever indepted to those who helped me (Mimi, Mark, TSTS, Serenity, Lala, Amazing, Princess....and that's just to name a few....), but I also had my sister and my dad. That was also vital to me. Surrounding myself with a support group.

I also was in IC. That helped as well.

I remember seeing this has been going on for a year for you. Have you seen your Dr.??? It is important to keep your physical health in check as well. Some BS need antidepressants. I did. Well, actually, I was already on them BEFORE Dday, but I went directly to my Dr. two days later so that way if I needed more help, I had it.....


As far as what WH says....wah wah whah wahhhhhhh.....Think of the teacher in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons and what she says. It's the same thing....(Mark gave me this one....the next time WH spoke anything foggy, I would get a visual in my head....cracked me up every time..... :D)

ohhhhh.....and his comment about the PI.....FUNNY.....now anytime they are together, they'll be too worried who is watching to enjoy themselves.......

Stick to the truth and you'll do fine.....


not2fun

Thanks Not, I have several friends that are very dear to me and have stuck with me thru this. I'm here with my parents so I have them as well.

Any suggestions as to when to tell my DD?

This is what I suggest.....

Make sure you look AMAZING!!!!!!!.....I know you feel like crawling under the covers right now, but right now is PLAN A time..You want to look your best, like this isn't even affecting you....

Make sure the house looks good......not like you have been too "distraught" to keep up after it....(maybe even throw some cookies in the oven)......

Play whatever upbeat music you like.....


I say this BECAUSE.....there is a good chance he maybe stopping in to see you tonight. YOu see you threw him a curve ball. He is not going to know what to do with himself tonight,,,,,especially since SHE is going to be busy trying to rectify things in her marriage.

IF he does come by remember......

NO LOVE BUSTERS.....no matter how much he baits you (and he will....he already has been)

MEET ANY EN'S YOU CAN....(thats why I told you to do the above....)

NO EXPECTATIONS.....don't expect him to suddenly change, he hasn't....don't expect him to be nice.....


and don't smother him.....just go about your business as usual and watch what him......

and if he doesn't come by, then at least your house will be clean and smelling of baked goods, and when you look in the mirror, you will see a beautiful, vibrant woman who's world has been rocked yet she is still standing in the midst of the storm......


(((((VST))))))

not2fun

Thanks Not! I'm not at home now, at my parents, but will go home tomorrow and will be ready with our suggestions. I appreciate you!

CALL HIM TODAY! Otherwise you have wasted a VALUABLE WEAPON. The point of exposing in the same day is to get everyone to call him on the same day. That is a critical strategic tactic designed to create a TSUNAMI effect.

Please CALL THEM BACK NOW and ask them to call him and use their persuasion to get him to end his affair. This was the whole point, VST.

And please go tell your DD NOW. She needs to know all about the affair so she can ask her daddy what he is doing to his family. Don't whitewash this, vst. Go tell the child after you call us his family and ask them to CALL HIM TODAY.

If you want his MP3 clip, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Threads are now merged.

Tell her at 7:30 tonight. Tell her TODAY, VST. The child needs to know what is wrecking her family.

You got some great advice from Not and Melody!!!!

I posted a few days ago the dialog of HOW to expose to your daughter. Go back on this thread and reread it. MF also posted about it, too.

This is so very important for many reasons, mostly because your daughter needs someone to be of sound mind to be honest with her about what is happening. Her world is as shaken as yours, she just doesn't yet understand why. When she learns the TRUTH, she will UNDERSTAND. Understanding is less stressful than wondering and guessing.