It's been a while since I posted. Now I have a question about life after divorce.

First my timeline:
Married five years before D-day, no children
October 2006 xWH started his affair
January 2007 xWH moved out for good
June 2007 I started plan B
December 2007-February 2008 I was in contact with xWH, he said that he wanted to reconcile but did not meet my plan B conditions
August 2008 Last contact between us
December 2008 The big D

My question is now, is there any chance I will ever be ready to date someone again? I am still young and I have no kids and I would really like to have a good husband and a family. I know that MB says one year after divorce but xWH moved out more than two years ago and I have had very little to do with him since I started my first plan B almost two years ago.

I have been on a couple of dates with really good guys. But I find all kind of errors in them. The errors usually sum up to that we are not as good together as me and xWH used to be. This may just be glorification of the past but I really loved him. Why can't I let go of him after all this time and after what he has done? If I am not ready now, when will I ever be? I appreciate all your thoughts.

I don't think hard and fast rules can apply to this since everyone is so different and we all heal at our own pace. You will heal, but you'll heal when you are good and ready to heal. Actually, you won't notice when you have - you'll just look back one day and realize that you are healed.

Also, I don't like like the no dating rule because it implies that you are dating for the sole purpose to get remarried again. Why can't you just date because someone else wants to go somewhere or do somethign that you want to do and it's more fun to have companionship? What it means it that you are up front and honest that you are not looking for something serious - believe it or not there are MANY of us out there in this exact same boat for a multitude of reasons. And there's lots and lots of fun stuff to do. You can enjoy the fun stuff but you don't have to feel pressured about getting into a relationship.

I agree. Waywards don't have a no dating rule, they go out and have a gay old time and we are left alone. There's no reason we can't have friends to do things with without looking for marriage or a replacement, in fact, we're better off not honing in on an ulterior motive, but just enjoying someone's company. When the time is right, you'll meet someone that seems a cut above the rest and is right for you. Don't worry about it, just enjoy life as it is today.

Its strange the I was the BS, but I did what the WS usually do. I'm the one that went on the dating spree, not my FWxW. She has been alone for months and not seing anyone. So, I think in time she will heal and begin to date again. For me, I went straight into dating. Its a blast. There are SO MANY women out there that are D'd it is crazy. I mean great, pretty, quality women.

DUDE

Thank you for your replies.

I don't want to get involved in romantic relationships to drown my sorrows. I believe that is one reason affairs don't last, one or both affair partners are needy and unstable and there is no way they can build a relationship.

What I want is to stop thinking about xWH. The last nights I have been dreaming about him. I do everything I can, I work on my career, I exercise, I have fun hobbies, I do work in my environment activity group, I have two lovely/obnoxious cats, I have wonderful friends. I fill my days with good things, why can't the POS xWH stay away at night? I would not even want him around.

Johnstwin gave me the best suggestion that seems to work most of the time. We all know I am deeply still in love with my H and would love the opportunity for restoration. But that isn't happening and I too struggle with thinking about him, even in Plan B when I am not supposed to.

One, I talk to G-d all the time and ask him. I ask him to redirect my thoughts to what he would have me do or think about. But then her suggestion was to give G-d my love, my thoughts of my husband and do with them as he needs.

If thoughts are creeping up at night, maybe you aren't as resolved in your feelings as you believe and writing could help as well as just talking to G-d and asking him to reveal what it is you need to face. He'll be there as you do and you can work through and process as he needs you too.

Seems silly I know, but it helps me....

I've got really no hard and fast experience here...just an opinion. take it or leave it.

Could it be possible that you are suffering through a withdrawal of sorts? The D is final and you are still harboring some feelings towards your Ex? I may be way out of line here...but think about it.

And as far as waiting to *date*? Nope, go have some fun, and tell your dates that you are just coming off a long drawn out divorce...just looking for some companionship. No expectations.

Enjoy.

Thank you again.

Yes, I am still in love with my xWH. But apparently he has no desire to reconcile with me and I can't waste my time waiting for a man who has been nothing but a POS the last 2 1/2 years.
I want a good life and that is why I have to move on. Withdrawal is probably what it is all about.

Queenie, I admire your faith and your strength. I appreciate your suggestion to talk to God but I am not a spiritual person and I can't make myself be that. I have a very private relation to some sort of higher being. I sometimes thank God for good things in my life, and I ask God to let everything be well in the end. I guess I view God as a higher being that can influence the world but not an allmighty God who is everywhere and knows everything.

It takes a loooooong time. That is NORMAL. Unless you were n ot truly committed to your S and your M, it takes a long time. You are FAR better taking your time, then rushing into some new R out of need and 'settling'...that is, in effect, what adulterers do and it almost always results in more pain in the long run.

Then talk to this being and know that you are not alone.

When I got sober and I heard it over and over again, it isn't about what mine is, but what you need to help you get through the tough times. Your higher being... is perfect....

We all have our journey of recovery to walk through. Some people have skills that help them get over it faster, others take the time it takes.

Believe in yourself and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this very minute.

Hugs to you....

I still think about my XH too, sometimes even miss the "him" I fell in love with, but I also recognize he is not that person any more, if he ever was, and we aren't right for each other...as much as that hurts. I think it just takes time...and each relationship is different as to how long it takes. I know a year from now I won't feel as much as I do right now, but it's hard in the interim. Just keep filling your life with good things, as you are, it'll happen eventually. I am told there will be a time when our feelings are gone and we'll wonder what we ever saw in them...who knows? I'd settle for it just not hurting any more.