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My husband and I were married in March 2008. We lived in different states, so I commuted back to his city every ten days for two years before we married. I thought he was over and done with his ex-wife because they were divorced. While we were in engaged I told me if she gave her any money, time or energy I would call the wedding off. My husband and the ex-wife did not have any children. Also this is my first marriage. Finally, six months after our marriage he moved to my state, because I had the better job. When he moved to my house, it felt like we were roommates and not how I had thought marriage would be like. He always has been secretive about his cell phone, finances, everything. In January, he was laid off and the situations become worse. January, February, and March he went to he home state to visit his Mother, and to visit the ex-wife. Finally, he after begging for answers, he told me two days before our first anniversary that he has NEVER stopped communicating, supporting or sleeping with his ex-wife. I was stunned and shocked. After he was laid off he would spend hours on his cell phone speaking to her. He changed his life insurance to leave her half. During February he got a second cell phone, to reduce his stress of her calling him on his original cell phone. Two weeks before our 1st anniversary he gave her a nice framed piece of art, and I received no anniversary present. Unless you count the affair. Also he had been paying for her cell phone until I told me to turn it off the day after he reveled the affair. Some months she would have $500 bills.

I am so confused...and don’t want to make a rash decision. We are in counseling at first a couple of times and week, and now once a week.

He has agreed to No Contact. However she still sends dozens of harassing text messages every day. She has always been an Emotional blackmailer according to our therapist. And the is why my husband was unable to get out of her control because she would kill herself if he left.

Also we have never consumated the marriage because he cant maintain an erection, but could with his ex-wife.
Please offer advice.....Thanks


Me BW 34
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Was your WH and his XW M'd at the time you started you relationship with him?

In any case, my suggestion would be to walk away from this mess.


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Sorry but if i were you i would RUN and RUN FAST!!!!

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Good Question, our relationship started while I was still in college 1996, until he married the ex in 2000. They divorced in 2007 but were seperated when our relationship started in 2006. He is 17 years older than me. I thought he was the man of my dreams, but I am starting to see him for who he is.


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Were the two of you seeing one another while he was engaged to his ex? From your timeline, it sounded as though you dated until he actually got married.

Had he filed for divorce when you began seeing one another again?


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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No. They were in the process from October 2006 until it was finalized in May 2007. Yes, we dated until he got married in 2000.


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Originally Posted By: whymegod
My husband and I were married in March 2008. We lived in different states, so I commuted back to his city every ten days for two years before we married. I thought he was over and done with his ex-wife because they were divorced. While we were in engaged I told me if she gave her any money, time or energy I would call the wedding off. My husband and the ex-wife did not have any children. Also this is my first marriage. Finally, six months after our marriage he moved to my state, because I had the better job. When he moved to my house, it felt like we were roommates and not how I had thought marriage would be like. He always has been secretive about his cell phone, finances, everything. In January, he was laid off and the situations become worse. January, February, and March he went to he home state to visit his Mother, and to visit the ex-wife. Finally, he after begging for answers, he told me two days before our first anniversary that he has NEVER stopped communicating, supporting or sleeping with his ex-wife. I was stunned and shocked. After he was laid off he would spend hours on his cell phone speaking to her. He changed his life insurance to leave her half. During February he got a second cell phone, to reduce his stress of her calling him on his original cell phone. Two weeks before our 1st anniversary he gave her a nice framed piece of art, and I received no anniversary present. Unless you count the affair. Also he had been paying for her cell phone until I told me to turn it off the day after he reveled the affair. Some months she would have $500 bills.

I am so confused...and don’t want to make a rash decision. We are in counseling at first a couple of times and week, and now once a week.

He has agreed to No Contact. However she still sends dozens of harassing text messages every day. She has always been an Emotional blackmailer according to our therapist. And the is why my husband was unable to get out of her control because she would kill herself if he left.

Also we have never consumated the marriage because he cant maintain an erection, but could with his ex-wife.
Please offer advice.....Thanks


So you've basically been the OW (other woman) since the beginning? You then married your MM and it's not working out? Ex is a psycho?

There's a lot more to this story than is being told. The pronoun use is interesting.

Wish SchoolBus would read this thread and comment...


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Strickly off what you have posted, I'd say you have seen enough from this guy to know what to expect in the future.

In a honey moon stage he can not maintain an erection, but can with his EX?

Out of curiousity, do you have any self esteem issues?

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From what I understand here, you were the other woman, dating and sleeping with an engaged man until he got married. So he was cheating on his fiance with you. Then they separated and you became the other woman again until he divorced, and then you married your affair partner only to find out that he was now cheating on you with his ex-wife.

What a mess. You should definitely leave him, but you need to fix yourself too. You sound just as broken and unready for marriage as he does.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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So your husband and his X-wife are doing to you, exactly what you and your now husband did to his X-wife?

And this suprises you for some reason?


Me 34
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Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Thanks for the candid responses. He was not open and honest with me when he was engaged to his 1st wife, I was left in the dark. We reconnected after they separated, and moved into different locations. I am not saying I am right, we should have not started to rekindled our friendship before he was divorced. I do know right from wrong. How can I get this woman to leave his alone. WH never wants to have any contact with her, however she is bipolar and has Multiple Personalities. After D-Day she was hospitalized for ten days for attempting suicide. She and her family are calling making physical threats, text messaging that WH will be killed by her sons' bare hands. She sends on average 25 texts a day. We DON'T respond to her in anyway. I check the phone records every few hours. How do I get her to stop texting? Husband is reluctant to change cell phone numbers, because he is searching for employment. I have exposed to affair to all of our family and friends. The ex is preparing a packet of negative information about WH and claims she will be mailing this week. She has been beneficial in obtaining the truth about WH actions and lies. I personally cant wait to read the packet. She is going to sent them to everyone she can think of, because husband was not private with our personal lives she knows lots of contacts. I do have major self esteem issues, and she has only made it worse by her nasty attacking text messages. Do you think she will stop the harassment after mailing the packets out? What can I do to be left alone? If she doesn't stop, I will have to ask WH to leave. My disabled mother lives with me and it is disrupting our entire household. Or do I start a campaign against her? She is in a licensed profession, and had done some unethical practices, so it would be easy to file a complaint. Please help..... I need advice.

Also I am working on the esteem issues, and going to counseling, and we are attending marriage counseling together. He is adamant that he wants to be married and living with me in Nebraska. I want peace from her, and I do want to work on our marriage. But as long as she remains a part, we can't be husband and wife. Never have I received first billing in our marriage, she has also come first, because she was more demanding and explosive. I want her to be gone from our marriage. Help......


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Like other posters I get the urge to advise you to leave and start again, but you're here on a marriage building site asking for help with your M and you H apparently wants this M too.

So...
1) Read the infidelity articles and the basic concepts. The questions you ask are answered there very well.
2) Expose your H's infidelity to anyone who can help end the 'affair'.
3) Implement plan A and eradicate your LBs
4) Take Extraordinary Precautions - you and H - to ensure no contact with his xW (see articles).

No Contact - in any way - ever again!

This might mean a new job and new address far from xW.

xW's threats to commit suicide are not your problem or your H's. All the more reason to run a mile from her.

H should definitely change his phone number, and his reason for not doing so, 'looking for work', is one you should reject as it enables a breach of No Contact and effectively prevents your H and your M from recovering.

I thought it sounded like a weak reason and wondered if he really wanted NC or not, particularly as he has told you other lies.

Do you enjoy drama? There's plenty more in store if you don't make some changes.

Quote:
Never have I received first billing in our marriage, she has also come first, because she was more demanding and explosive.


The passsive construction's a pet hate of mine, e.g. 'I received.'

It's a weak cowardly evasive way of talking and thinking. Rephrase it in SVO (subject-verb-object) - who did what to who? What are you trying to say?

Translation "In our M, my H gave me second billing and I accepted it."

If you don't want second billing - don't accept it.
"I will not stay in this M if you remain in contact with x-W"


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
Seven year affairage.
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Whymegod,
Ok, I'll accept at face value that you didn't know he was engaged when you were dating him. Now answer this for yourself. Why would you ever think a man who could cheat on his fiance was marriage material? Why are your standards so low for men you choose to be with? The fact that he is cheating on you now is entirely expected. Since you have no children together who would be hurt by divorce, I also recommend that you leave him and never look back.

But again, since you are asking for advice, here goes.
First off, you seem to be giving him a lot of credit for wanting your marriage, when he has just admitted to you that he never stopped sleeping with his ex-wife. You seem to be defending him when his actions are indefensible. You are making excuses for him and again, setting your standards exceedingly low. You mention self-esteem issues, and I know that can make it really scary to set the bar high, but you have to start valuing yourself. I would recommend continuing with therapy to explore this issue.

Your husband also needs to change his cell #. His excuse about looking for work is ridiculous. He is essentially saying, "I am going to allow the continued harassment, escalation, and contact of this affair so that just maybe an employer might contact me." No. The answer is to get a new phone number, and send out new resumes. Then you check every single number that shows up on the bill of the new phone.

Regarding his ex-wife, if he is serious about giving your marriage a real shot, have him take the threats and harassment to the police immediately and get a restraining order. If she breaks it, get her thrown in jail. Also investigate your options for a "defamation of character" charge against the ex-wife to prevent her from sending that package out. Exposure should be controlled by you, not maliciously done by the OW. And yes, you should expose her unethical practices to her employer with proof immediately. If she is as crazy as you say, she will only understand hardball.

Oh and if he tries to avoid the restraining order, throw him out immediately, because he is not interested in protecting your marriage.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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Originally Posted By: whymegod
WH never wants to have any contact with her, however she is bipolar and has Multiple Personalities. After D-Day she was hospitalized for ten days for attempting suicide.

She is in a licensed profession, and had done some unethical practices, so it would be easy to file a complaint
Are you taking Wayward Husbands word on all this?

Originally Posted By: whymegod
What can I do to be left alone? If she doesn't stop, I will have to ask WH to leave. Please help..... I need advice.
Ok, here is my take on it, I may be wrong.

1. YOU are the OW, not the Ex-Wife. Your affair with your current husband is probably what actually caused them to divorce. You may have been lied to. You think he wanted a divorce and then started seeing you. More than likley, he started seeing you, then wanted a divorce.

2. You have an Affairage, not a marriage. When you found out he was engaged to his first wife wile seeing you and hiding it from you, you should have walked away from this man forever. Instead you ran back to him a few years later. Marriages based on affairs have an astronomicly low success rate over a 5 and 10 year periode.

3. You are being lied too!!! All is not as Wayward Husband would have you belive. Do not belive anything this man has said to you.

4. Ex-Wife Has been, is being, and will continue to be lied too. WH is most likley telling her the same garboge about you that he has told you about her. He has probably also been telling Ex-Wifes familly the same lies. He has probably made several promises to them and her about leaving you and going back to her.

So yea, they are probably mad.

5. The best advice I can give you is RUN!!! Do not walk, away from this man. If you act now, you may even be able to have your marriage annuled.

Last edited by Gack1; 04/21/09 09:10 AM.

Me 34
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Why do you want to keep a man who scr*ws another woman the ENTIRE time you are married to him? And lies about it?

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Looks to me like your H is using you for the $$$$. He has never consummated the marriage yet continued sleeping with his XW? Just stating what looked to be obvious to me...


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
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am one of those who can't get past it.
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I say look at the data. I mean really look at. Permit me to put this in the best light.

1. He was dating you while engaged to her. Guess what that was about??? Yup, something on the side.

2. He dates you while still married but separated. Ok, people do that, but not people who value marriage, he does not.

3. He was sleeping with her while engaged/dating/married to you...the WHOLE TIME.

4. He was lousy as an H and clearly wanted to be elsewhere, with exW/OW.

5. You two have only been married less than a year and there is a 17 year age difference.


Ok, these are the FACTS. Let's look at them, see any positives? See any patterns? I sure do. You were always the reserve player, the last off of the bench, and then you wonder why the marriage didn't feel like you expected. Let me offer some thoughts. It did not feel like you expected because you expected to be #1 in his heart, in his bed, in his life, and you were #2 in all cases.

If you decide you really want to save this marriage in the face of the data, people will help. If you don't people will help. No matter what you choose, please read the articles here about marriages, relationships and some of the pitfalls.

You did not ask for my opinion really, but I will say yet again, look at the data. I did and it seems really obvious what the right move is.

God Bless,

JL

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Quote:
She and her family are calling making physical threats, text messaging that WH will be killed by her sons' bare hands. She sends on average 25 texts a day. We DON'T respond to her in anyway. I check the phone records every few hours. How do I get her to stop texting?
You print out the texts, you record the phone calls, and you take all of this to the police station and press charges.

On a personal note, however, why on EARTH do you want to be married to this...man?

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Thanks for the advice. How do you print the text messages? I have copied them all down, made a spread sheet. Actually, husband is driving back to home town to get an order of protection for his mother. She is 85, and the ex-wife is stalking her and making threats. As soon as he takes his mother to the court house. He will driving back home about a 14 hour round trip drive. Last night he finally, called the cell phone company and have had a texting stopped. When he returns home, we will both be changing our cell phone numbers.


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So besides revealing that this story is not being written by the betrayed spouse, what else can you tell us?

Schoolbus


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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