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#2250545 04/23/09 11:34 PM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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My husband just came home from a year long tour in Iraq a few weeks ago. He left this afternoon to go for a ride on his motorcycle and hasnt came home all day. Now it is 9pm, and he called to say he is around the corner visiting some old friends. I flipped out, yelled at him, hung up on him and texted "f*** you" to his phone. After getting over my anger that he's with his friends and not home with me and the kids, I feel like an a**hole.
I don't know how to not react in anger when he wants to hang out with his friends. I've always been this way. I feel angry, rejected, and alone, and I sometimes have an anxiety attack. I realized that I overreact, but I dont know how to be "normal"... I want to feel okay when he leaves. I also flinch every time he makes a sudden move near me, even though he has never hit me, nor threatened to. It hurts him that I flinch because he says he would never hit me.
I'm sure this has to do with my fear of abandonment because my dad left me when I was 8. It also has to do with my mom being an alcoholic and always being in dysfunctional/abusive relationships. I dont know how "normal" people act in a marraige. I always remember my mom flipping out if my step-dad went to hang out with his friends. I also have a hard time trusting my husband because of a short affair that happened over a year ago.
Anyone have any ideas on how I can stop thee things from affecting me this way? I'm afraid that the way I overeact so easily will tear us apart....


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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So you are duplicating your mom?

Good place to start fixing yourself. Before your H gives up on you. This is not his issue, but you know that.

So what are you doing to fix YOU?

How long have you been seeing a psychologist? No? Why not?

How many books have you read about jealousy and insecurity and low self-esteem?

What group therapy group have you joined so you can learn to like yourself and so the other members can hold you accountable and help you grow?

And what are you doing to please your husband? Read up here about Love Busters. There's a questionnaire he can take, which will tell YOU what YOU do that he doesn't like. Once you know these things, you can spend the next 6 months dedicating yourself to NOT doing these things any more. That's the first step to a good marriage.

Printing it out and asking him to fill it out (so you can be a better wife) would be a good peace offering for what you did last night.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 128
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thanks for the reply....
i will do the questionnaire...
i havnt really done anything as far as professional help...
i have read some books, but i guess i'm a little bit afraid to open up and talk to a proffessional about my issues...
i dont really know where to go...i know i need to though.


Me,BS age 24
WH age 23
DD age 3,DS age 2
WH deployed March '08-March '09
4 affairs
Plan A/B~complicated
I filed D 8/4/09
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
FYI, the professional help...so many people are afraid of this, but if you find a qualified person, it is amazing how much help you can get, how they can clarify things for you, give you a sense of purpose, give you 'homework' to try, and hold you to task for working on yourself. Whatever notions you have about what professional help is, forget about it. They can do a world of good, if you get the right one for you.


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