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I believed that we had a marriage other's wished they had. 9 years. I am 42. Wife is 40. Now I am not sure of anything. Last year my wife started reconnecting on Facebook with old friends. I told her to be careful with it. In December she reconnected with her first boyfriend. Mentioned it and that she had talked to him on the phone. Once. I told her I didn't like it and again said to be very careful because this is how things start.
Two months later she she said she was going to visit her mother for her mother's birthday and wanted to have dinner with her mom, her old boyfriend and his live in girlfriend. I wasn't exactly invited but then I don't like her mom and had to work so it wasnt' that big a deal. I should have clued in

Cut to the chase. 3 weeks ago I discovered an email which led to 100's of others. then phone records showed 3000 texts per month since December. Wife had just left for the beach with the kids. 2 days with a girlfriend, then head to her mom's house. They had plans to meet. Again.
I drove down and confronted her. I had already printed and captured all emails I could find. She cried. said she didn't want to lose her marriage. handed me her phone and told me to smash it. I called him and put him on speaker phone. talked to him....he of course swore he would never contact her again. I left. Told her not to come home. Ever. She followed me home a few hours later. Kept saying she would fix our marriage no matter what.

Lies upon lies have been unraveled. At first she tried to deny sex. I'm no fool. There is ALWAYS sex in these things. Eventually, within the first few days, she admitted it. She has been making extreme efforts to be completely transparent to me. He texted her once about a week after I found out and she handed me the phone. She has given me the password to her work email and we have started to see a counselor. She seems genuinely remorseful. I am keeping a watch on email, web history, phone records (thank god for online monitoring). She seems true to her word so far. I worry about the future and I do not trust.

As a background. 2 years ago we discovered that she had Breast Cancer. She is a survivor...it tore her down. I am not making excuses but I know it had an effect on her view of life and her self image and I suspect this played a part in things. I am also looking at myself trying to see where I might not have filled needs but she is adamant that it had nothing to do with me that it was all her. She has said that she is "going to own this". has not tried to transfer responsibility to me.
It is only a few weeks in and I know it will take a very very long time if we survive this. She is doing all the things that any man who wants his marriage to survive could hope his wife is doing. And I'm still paranoid and suspicious and unsure of everything.

Last edited by NiteLite1; 04/26/09 08:11 AM.
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NiteLite,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you have to be here, but it is the best place to be given your situation. Her reaction to her affair is very positive. It looks good for you for recovery if that is what you want.

Is there any other history of infidelity on her part, in your marriage with her. Was she married before? If so, any infidelity there?

Do you have children? If so, how old?

Does the OM's live in girlfriend no about her boyfriend's affair with your wife? She should be told about the affair. It is a good way to ensure continued no contact between your wife and OM. Also, the live in girlfriend has a right to know what has been going on in her relationship with her live in boyfriend. They are not married, so the relationship is different--no marriage contract--but she still should know and it will help ensure no contact from this old boyfriend of your wife.

Is she completely transparent? Answered all your questions? Have the two of you been tested for STDs?

Have you looked at the material on this site about affairs, emotional needs questionnaires, love buster questionnaires?

Welcome, and feel free to post either here or in the General Questions II under infidelity. GQ II gets more traffic.


Lake
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Your wife seems to understand what she needs to do. Has she grasped that you will never look at her the same again? It's like she killed your wife and you will have to fall in love with a different person. You stuck by her through cancer and she turned around and did this to you? What is your outlook? Do you think you can make it? How do you deal with the anger?

Last edited by ouchthathurt; 04/26/09 10:58 AM.
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There is no history of infidelity. I have been married 3 times. First wife cheated, it was long and drawn out so I knew the signs. Second wife died. My wife's first marriage ended because her husband started cheating when she was pregnant. I knew almost immediately that something was wrong. Could sense the energy that was missing. Don't want to get silly but felt something missing. Started seeing the signs. confronted with those more than once. OF course the lies were there and she smoothed things. And they always do that till you have irrefutable proof.

Yes we have both gone for testing. We were fortunate No disease. Yes I told OM's gf. She kicked him out. He is a bum. doesn't hold a job....so he went back to live with his mother...at 40. I wish he had a nicer life so I could mess with it more.
Her mother knew that she stayed out all night while she was there and her brother witnessed a blow up argument after dinner between the OM and his girfriend because he had sent a text to my wife. So my Wife's family members knew something very unsavory was up....and they said nothing to me. not a word.
After this blew up, my wifes mom called me and tried to make out that she had no idea. I told her to go to hell.
yes I have told my wife in no uncertain terms that she blew our marriage out like a match. I took my wedding ring off and tossed it. We have talked a lot....she has taken a great deal of my anger. Sometimes I have wanted her to leave...but she hasn't. And hasn't let me drive her off. The counselor asked if she had both feet in this marriage and she said yes. I was elusive when he asked me. I am having trust problems that I know will last. and I don't want to set myself up as a sucker. Don't want to think that since she did the right thing for 3 weeks that it means this is over because I know it's not.
She knows I don't look at her the same. I have tried not to say ugly things...hasn't always worked. but for the most part I am just honest. Told her I love her but don't know why and don't know what that means. maybe I love what I remember from before or perhaps I was fooling myself.

Do I think we can make it? that's tough....this is the hardest thing I think I have ever dealt with. When my second wife died it was devastating but you survive it because you don't have a choice. I had 2 kids. We have raised our 3 kids together the last 9 years and I still have 2 living in the house. My desire to protect them was a big motivator not to make a sceane at first and kick her out. I'm no martyr...I also don't want it to be over. Before December I had an Idyllic life. I gained strength and pride and a sense of self from my family. I always felt safe in her arms and do not any more.

I combed thru her laptop while she was out today. checking cookies and temp files, etc. then tore her car apart later to make sure she didn't have another phone. hurray for me. I'm the insane jealous husband.

If she continues to do the right thing and I learn to swallow the hatred in myself, then we have a chance. And of course slowly lowering him into a vat of acid wouldn't hurt either.

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Wow, I wonder if your wife has any idea of what she has done to herself. To live without trust again (I know I couldn't trust mine out of my sight if that happened to me). The fact of how much less of a person she is now. To sad. All for an ego stroke and an orgasm. You sound pretty tough though. Sorry to hear about your second wife. So you're gonna see how you feel in a few months, I imagine. You've got a lot of guts, my friend.

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I took her aside tonight and told her. If there is anything I havn't been told set me straight in the next 2-3 days. I plan to tuck myself into the effort to salvage this marriage and if I put in that kind of work and find out it was all bullshit and lies there won't be any talking, just attorneys.
She says I know everything she has given details of everything...So I think we are at a start. This sucks balls.

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You may consider having her write it down in a detailed time line. The thing about truth, is you don't have to work or be creative. Truth just is. I suggest this so she understands the full weight of what she has done. I believe it is more difficult to write a lie then to tell one. She will also understand that at anytime over the next weeks or months, you could ask her a question. You can even be entirely open and tell her, that you suggest that she tell the whole truth. Because 3 months from now. It will be an SOB to try and remember a lie. It could also come in handy if you do need those lawyers. You may also want to consider a post nup agreement. If she cheats again. She loses everything.

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You can recover your marriage. It will take time and work. You have been through a traumatic event and it will take at least a couple of years for you to get back to anywhere near normal. Since she has re-committed to the marriage, will she come to this site and read the material? Can the two of you go over the questionnaires?

It is very normal for you to look through everything of hers--car, computer history, etc. If it would help, you could install a key logger also, just to give you some peace of mind. This is all normal.

Many spouses who commit adultery actually do have a hard time remembering all the details themselves: How many e-mails sent, how many phone calls, how many texts, how many gifts, how many times, etc.

You decide how much you need to know. Some BSs want to know every little detail, others decide they know enough and want to know no more. Details do stay with you and can haunt you as you try to recover. It is always a tough issue.

Hang in there, you are normal.


Lake
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Its hard to get all the truth this fast, this early after D day.

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She has been to this site and read the material. I think we hit every site we could before going to our first counseling session. Then started a book he suggested. She may not have remembered all the emails but I read hundreds of them to her one day early on. I wanted to make sure she heard what I saw and understood what had been done to us. When you are living in the moment like this and it consumes every minute of the day no matter what else is going on it doesn't seem like a short amount of time. I know it is and I know that repairing a marriage takes a long time. The writing down timeline and details seems brutal but also seems helpful. I think that it will lay things bare. I might discuss it with our counselor tonight at our 2nd session. He had some very good insights and we both felt very comfortable talking to him.

He wanted us to come up with some goals to work on together. I came up with finishing all the little things that need to be done to our house. We have been remodeling our house for several years with a project here and there. We are down to a couple bathrooms, windows and exterior work, a Tin Ceiling and some walls that need paper removed and some paint applied.. I think it is a good thing to do together something with a beginning and an end and opportunities to communicate and work together.....and I mentioned that if we didn't manage to fix things between us, at least we could sell the place off when we get divorced. She started to cry. I was being practical.

My experience doesn't seem to have fallen in exactly with many of the stories I've read. Certainly not like my first marriage. I know it's early on and she could change his mind....have something trigger her desire to speak with him, etc. But since the 2nd or 3rd day that I knew she has answered every question and owned up to everything. Of course if I was confident in everything I wouldn't be here right now. I'm here to get it out and to make sure I'm keeping my eyes open and not fooling myself.

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Quote:
I told her to be careful with it


When the time's right I'd suggest you and your W do the LB questionnaire. The above is a LB - even though your concern's valid the attitude you adopted and the way you said it is disrespectful.

The LB questionnaire might help identify any LBs of yours.

Eliminating LBs comes before the meeting of ENs in restoring love.

I think your owning your part in creating the environment that led to your W's affair will help restore love in your M and overcome resentment.


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
Seven year affairage.
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OMG. My story except he had the affair. It lasted almost 2 years! He is doing everything he can to make things right with me. I want to believe him and trust him so badly but I'm afraid to let that happen in case he hurts me again.
Their affair also included that damn texting. He too has shown me his phone etc so I can know he's telling the truth. Problem is, I don't want to live like that. I've never been suspicious. How do we overcome that? It's been 2 1/2 months since I found out. We're both in counselling - separately right now but I can't turn off my brain. Questions often pop in my head but I'm not sure I want to know the answers. How do I deal with that?
How do we forgive and forget? Can't imagaine right now.

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How far away is this guy?

Also was it during the trip that the sex occured?

Make sure you have keloggers on the computers, cell phone password, GPS on car, and access to her work computer/email.

The good thing here is that is sounds like your wife is remorseful and is driving the recovery....your not dragging her like some.

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Yes during the trip. HE is a couple states away. LB or not I told her to be careful with it because that is exactly what she should have done. and LB or not I also told her if she goes to that state again stop at a divorce attorney because it's on. if she wants to see her mom she can see her when her mom visits her sister . She is no longer welcome in this house. and I'll drive her up there when somebody throws a pail of water on the old hag so she can pay her last respects.
'him' I can only offer this perspective. you play the hand that's dealt to you. You have the option to fold and walk away from the table but in life unfortunately you can't ask for the cards to be redealt. You got screwed by his affair. You are suspicious so give in to the suspicion and check up on him. IF you want to have any sense of stability you have to check or you will drive yourself insane. Better to know what's out there in the dark than to hide in the corner because you heard a noise.

Good luck As for mine...I'm trudging forward. She is doing the right things and I am checking behind her. so long as she does what she is supposed to do I will figure out how to swallow the agony. If I am lucky we will eventually work things out.

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You are absolutely justified. 5 years down the road if she asked to go see her mom. I would be triggering all over the place. The divorce lawyer comment would still be on the table. Personally I would make certain arrangements in case I couldn't swallow that elephant.

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Originally Posted By: NiteLite1

I drove down and confronted her. I had already printed and captured all emails I could find. She cried. said she didn't want to lose her marriage. handed me her phone and told me to smash it. I called him and put him on speaker phone. talked to him....he of course swore he would never contact her again. I left. Told her not to come home. Ever. She followed me home a few hours later. Kept saying she would fix our marriage no matter what.




What an arrogant statement. Like you don't have a choice.

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Quote:
LB or not I told her to be careful with it


Understandably you're angry with your W and perhaps not feeling a lot of respect for her.

This site talks a lot about 'affair-proofing' your M.

It has a lot of suggestions to help become the type of guy whose wife DOESN'T have affairs.

Your martial history suggests you're not that kind of guy yet. Maybe it's just bad luck. Maybe there's something you could do about you.

Your posts suggest to me that DJs and AOs might be a problem - even pre-affair. Do you think that's right?

I'd encourage you even now, despite the obvious and severe pain your W has inflicted on you, to find the strength to show your WW/FWW humility and compassion and respect and a calm demeanour.

I think this will help you get a fulfilling M down the track.

If on the other hand you continue to show the behaviours now that perhaps sowed the seeds of the A, you might be setting yourself up for more pain.


Me 49 SAHD; W 41 SAHM; DS3, DS4.
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DJ I understand. don't know what AO is. Have I looked into myself. of course I have. Can I find things. yes. a few. I get insomnia on occasion and would stay up. Reading, surfing the net, studying. I work long hours sometimes. I came home every night. Emailed my wife during the day to tell her I loved her. Reminded her constantly of how much I love our life together. bought little gifts for her from time to time. Don't gamble, don't hang out at bars. I go out with the boys about twice a year. And I'm usually home by 10. I have had to travel a few times a year but so has she.
We have raised our children working together and talking together to come up with the best choices for our kids. When she was sick I was here, every night, holding her and telling her how much I love her trying to reassure her that we would fight and win that battle. that she was as beautiful as she had ever been. I have put out and put out and put out for this family and for her and right up until she reconnected with him. We would spend our evenings sitting on the couch. rubbing each other's feet. talking, laughing. I put in every bit of energy I had to nurture her. I opened myself to her.
I am by no means a perfect husband or a martyr. In the last few years, pretty much stopped working out to focus on my career. I changed jobs twice because I didn't feel I was making enough money to provide the family with things I wanted to be able to give. Our lives have always been fast paced and hectic because of the activities we keep the kids involved in. But we were always doing this together. Using the time on the sidelines to talk.
I am opinionated and arrogant. I'm certainly not as confident as I was before this happened. If I can figure out what I wasn't doing here at home. I would gladly make adjustments. I told her everyday how beautiful she was. How much richer my life was. how the lives of everyone in our family were wonderful because of her.
And she turned on a dime to go to this putz. I can not possibly tell her how great she is as often as a guy who doesn't have a job. he can sit on the couch all day and email her and text her because he has no place to be.
If THAT is the kind of guy whose wife doesn't have affairs then I can't compete.
I can't believe that I have to clean this shit up and do the heavy lifting. I was married and my wife had an obligation to protect me and our family and she didn't and I'm pissed and hurt. and some of my descriptions of events are terse. When I told her to be careful with it, I was holding her hand and looking in her eyes and I told her that it scares me and I don't like it and that she should be careful because our marriage was special and fragile like any other. And we are grown ups and judgement or not if you can't tell your spouse that you have a problem with something they are doing, then you already have a ton of other issues in your marriage.

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I think your road will be tougher because you were an attentive and loving husband. It makes her cheating all the more treacherous. In fact it actually seems that she thought that you loved her so much, that she could cheat on you once and get a freebee. And though it meant trouble in your marriage, you would eventually give her a pass. In essence, "I know he loves me, so if I only mess up this once, he'll forgive me". And now she's thinking "whew, dodged a bullet there, but it worked out pretty much how I thought it would go". I wish you the best of luck.

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Originally Posted By: ouchthathurt
I think your road will be tougher because you were an attentive and loving husband. It makes her cheating all the more treacherous. In fact it actually seems that she thought that you loved her so much, that she could cheat on you once and get a freebee. And though it meant trouble in your marriage, you would eventually give her a pass. In essence, "I know he loves me, so if I only mess up this once, he'll forgive me". And now she's thinking "whew, dodged a bullet there, but it worked out pretty much how I thought it would go". I wish you the best of luck.


This is so asinine. It's a round-a-bout way to call Nitelite a sucker.

I guarantee your WW was "thinking" nothing of the sort. There ARE issues that need sorting out and addressing but her "confidence" in your love and being able to play you was not one of them. In fact, her issue is more likely a LACK of self confidence whereupon she escapes into coping mechanisms of self-soathing (escapism, shopping, fantasy, etc).

My wife had an affair with an old high school boyfriend she reconnected with off classmates dot com. He too was nearly 40 living at home with his parents. She didn't start out wanting an affair with him but in the course of communicating with him...they both went back to their youth and completely lost touch with reality. The "remember when's" became "what if's" became "why not now?". Their "affair" began the minute they started communicating and neither of us had the boundaries in place to protect our family.

3 years later we are completely recovered. Love can be restored and rebuilt. In fact...you may just end up with an even better marriage. I think your wife should post here too as SHE has the most work to do right now.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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