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#2257354 05/07/09 01:14 AM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3
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ACCGuy Offline OP
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3
Before starting, I will admit that I am at fault for some things.

I have put on more weight than is necessary since getting married more than four years ago and at times my temper gets the best of me. But I believe it's always a reaction, not something I simple come home with or wake up with.

I work a great deal, especially for nine months out of the year, so I am not always available. But I more than make an effort to be there for her kids' games, school functions, and to make time for her. Monday nights after the boys go to sleep are often movie nights, which is a me creation.

I cook almost all of the meals and do about 75 percent of the cleaning and 90 percent of the grocery shopping. I usually tote the boys to practices and functions, and I have become the sole rule enforcer in the house.

She almost never cleans a darn thing, often leaving her wrappers, plates and cups where she used them. This is especially bad when she lies on the couch for hours at a time. She sleeps more than our young teens do.

Our bathroom is so nasty I can't use it but to shower, and am thinking about wearing flip flops from now on. It's disgusting, the toilet is gross, the counters are a mess and even though I take around 20 plastic cups downstairs every two weeks, she always replaces them, never taking one down herself.

The master bedroom is a total disgrace. If I don't clean the bathroom and bedroom it won't get done. When I do, they are in shambles less than a week later. If I don't initiate cleaning the bed sheets it won't get done. She is a total slob, to where it's more than gross. Now we rarely sleep together, a decision we both agree with. She put my stuff on the banister earlier tonight noting she wants to sleep alone.

She rarely does the dishes and cooks about four meals a year. Her way of making dinner is ordering out, something she does just about every night when I am out of town, which is often during Jan-March. When out, she often buys fast food for herself and the boys, and often buys little items that never get used. The walk-in closet in the bedroom is literally 80 percent full with crap, many are clothes still with tags on them.

When I either get on the boys or try to teach them she almost always takes their side and offers an excuse. If they don't do their chores or homework, mom's got an excuse.

She will often go three days without showering, and when she does, she often puts back on the same outfit. She almost never shaves.

Sex is pretty much out of the question although she's actually 19 weeks pregnant right now. We had a good phase in the winter and she wanted to get pregnant. The guy that I am took advantage of getting some attention for my wife - the only time since the day after we got married - and we got pregnant.

(BTW, she farts and belches loudly constantly and without regard saying she ahs to because she’s pregnant. She also uses the pregnancy to do absolutely nothing. The thing is, she was like this a lot before she got pregnant minus the farting)

My wife is about 75 pounds heavier than when we married, she refuses to EVER wear her hair in a way I like, she never gets dressed up, almost never shows me affection, stopped sex except occasional missionary the day after we got married, and she shows no interest in my career (I have a fairly public job and would love her feedback sometimes, but she won’t give it) or in talking about anything except the boys, our money situation and arguing over crap.

Money. Combined, we rank in the top seven percent of income earners in this country, yet every week or two we end up $500-900 overdrawn. Today, I learned we had $350 in overdraft fees just in the last week when we had nearly $300. She won't pay her credit card bills, which affects my ability to buys cars or another house down the road, but she doesn't care even though I ask her about it.

My folks like her a lot and adore her boys. My family as a whole really cares about her and the boys, and I love the boys, who are both young teens. I am the only father figure they have known and I don't want to damage them in any way. But I am so lonely, so bored and so confused. I waited 38 years to get married (was engaged in my 20s) and thought she was the one.

I respect what she does for a living and once thought she was the perfect person for me, but I am not sure I love her like I used to nor do I enjoy being around her. She and the boys are gone for a night every so often, and I look forward to it like a teen whose parents are going out of town.

I like to have a beer and go to a ballgame every so often or meet a friend or two for a few hours every so often, but she hates it and makes it so it's not worth me doing it. If I go out even when out of town I get grief and she adds it up and never lets me forget.

I enjoy a few beers after finishing work every so often - once every two weeks - but won't drink in front of the boys except for rare occasions. Sometimes I wait until after they go to bed, which is often when she goes to bed, yet she thinks I am hiding it and tells me I have a drinking problem, etc.

She can't be more wrong, especially since I work in my home office late many nights, and that's when I crack open a few.

I hate to write these things about her because when I think about our beautiful wedding and the many friends and family that traveled great distances to see us get married I want that girl from then to return.

But I can't deny how things are any longer. Am I a fool for staying, or am I just not seeing things the right way.

Thank you.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
The problem isn't what you do or what she does. It is that you are enabling her behavior. That means you allow her to be like this without setting consequences. Basically she may have married you to get a free ride. No matter, because you have to do something to change the situation.

This is going to take some hard thinking, but there are things you can do to turn this around.

First, you need to ask the mods to move your thread to the Emotional Needs section so you'll get more traffic. I'll meet you over there.


Moderated by  Fordude 

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