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#2258899 05/10/09 12:20 PM
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I am just wondering how long can a person stay away from there family and still want to come home some day?
My wh has been gone almost 4 months with hardly any contact at all for the last 2 months.
He has been trying a little now to see his kids and bought me a great gift and came to a baseball game last week.
I know we had the real thing once and I was wondering if there is a chance he will see it one day or is it too late

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SBE, My WH left me in Oct, last layed eyes on me Nov 12, I moved and gave birth to our daughter 4-25 and other than a card that I received this week asking if he could meet her- not much else.

At least yours is doing something, to reach out to you and the kids. I hope that your sitch ends better than mine.

Sending good thoughts your way.

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It's slow on weekends, so you have to settle for the likes of me LOL.... I swear I ahve read even as much as 18-24months


BS, 28
WH, 36 11/08-? EA(s?), no PA's, lied (net&women)
MLC end 5/09? Enter R smile
M 2000
Child, 5.5 yrs

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D-day for me was 5-14-07, two years are almost up. I can tell you that something is shifting in him.

Only G-d knows and I am keeping it quiet for now.

I never prayed for patience, and yet through whatever happens, I have walked in FAITH and TRUST.

Brown, you have to find your path with G-d and trust him. For your sake. Leave your WH to G-d. Let him take care of that.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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SBE, my husband was gone for nearly a year and a half. He was gone, gone, gone in the eyes of many and there was no hope. Every situation is different but four months is no time at all. I personally know of a couple where he was gone for five YEARS, and he ended up coming back.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by QueeniesAdventures
D-day for me was 5-14-07, two years are almost up. I can tell you that something is shifting in him.
smile

While I'm not a regular reader on your thread, I know enough that this is great. I will hold onto to hope with you.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you ladies, I admire your strength and faith.

Last edited by Vittoria; 05/10/09 04:37 PM.

M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Thank you Vittoria, that is so kind of you. I am holding tight to G-d and his will for me and my marriage.

We all have our journies that require strength and faith. Not easier, just different. You have your walk that needs to be honored as well.



BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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So to PM and Queenie -- I have a few questions:

During the time apart, did your Waywards constantly threaten D and speak of it? Or were they just gone?

My WH isn't a normal Wayward. He isn't with OW. He just is gone because he can't deal with the stress of Recovery. He doesn't understand why it's not just "Well, I did it. It's in the past. You forgive me. We're back to good again."

He doesn't 'get' that Recovery and Rebuilding take time. He thinks it's 'too late'. ((As you can see from my Signature, it has been, at most, 7 weeks post-DDay.))

So back to what I was saying -- while WH was gone, did they constantly push D? I feel like if I could just get my WH's mind out of D talk and just Separation talk, there could be a chance of R.


Me BS .. XH WS

DDay 03.25.09

Big D Final 01.2010
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For me, there were three occasions when D was discussed. Actually the night I got the ILYBNILWY talk, I went online to get a D and pushed him, he finally backed down. That was almost 9 months BEFORE D-day. After D-day, we discussed it ONCE and he and I both realized we couldn't afford it.

In January, my lawyer took the intiative to contact WH and say I wanted to finish this up. WH wanted me to come forth with my trust fund details, etc. I wasn't prepared to do that and just left it alone.

Mine cake ate for a few months as long as I was in Plan A, when I went to Plan B, he was just GONE. He didn't try and break it really.

I guess what I have FINALLY come to understand and accept is it's 12 miles in and 12 miles out. I can't control what WH does, thinks, etc. Only myself. In order to just be able to make it to the next minute, I lived my life believing and to this day still do this is G-ds show. You can't do anything for WH to get him to think this that or the other. All you can do is set your mind to Plan A, and work that plan like no other and leave the results to G-d.

I totally get it isn't easy, but in my humble experience it's the ONLY way.





BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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H says counseling is an absolute NO, because we "can't afford it".

So D is his cheaper option??

I have tried to explain to him what all the outcomes of D are, both positive AND negative, in a non-threatening way.

But it is still all he can talk about.

My BIGGEST competitor is his identical twin brother, who is nearing the finals of his own D right now.. And VERY PERSISTENT on getting his mirror (my H) to jump right on the bandwagon..



Me BS .. XH WS

DDay 03.25.09

Big D Final 01.2010
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Waywards don't think in outcomes or anything that makes sense. They are stupid aliens only out for their fix. If he is still in the fog, my thoughts would be to delay as much as possible, and just start praying.

Don't try to educate him. He is stupid. His brain in blocked from reasonable thought processes. Just protect yourself and stall..

Ask G-d for help


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Originally Posted by KDew
H says counseling is an absolute NO, because we "can't afford it".

So D is his cheaper option??

I have tried to explain to him what all the outcomes of D are, both positive AND negative, in a non-threatening way.

But it is still all he can talk about.

You are not far past D-Day.
Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

If you're in Plan A, you should NOT be talking about the relationship, counseling, divorce, none of it. You should be meeting his ENs (and that does NOT include "explaining" things to him - that's a DJ) and avoiding LBs.

If you're in Plan B, you shouldn't be talking to him about anything at all.

So it seems to me that you're not in any plan -- and you need one.

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Quick TJ:
Quote
So back to what I was saying -- while WH was gone, did they constantly push D? I feel like if I could just get my WH's mind out of D talk and just Separation talk, there could be a chance of R.

There are some posters here who have made an art out of postponing the divorce. On purpose. To give the WS time to stew in his own juices and realize what he's throwing away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But you don't HAVE to give in to the divorce. Ask your lawyer to do everything legally possible to stretch out the divorce as long as possible. I've read here that it may take up to two years in some cases!

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Have you done the MB plans? Did you expose? Plan A? If you are not in Plan A, you should be in Plan B. You shouldn't be having any conversations whatsoever with him unless he has met your terms - which at bare minimum should be (a) end the affair and (b) commit to working on recovery. It sounds like he may have ended the A but not committed to recovery. I wouldn't be too certain taht the A is ended. He could be using the D-talk as a means to cake eat.

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Well, the A was not so much an A as an attempted A..

And that is gone.

And I thought he had committed to R, until our first real fight.

And BOOM. He was gone.

The only reason I am discussing D is because it is all HE talks about. I haven't talked to him at all in three days. He doesn't call me. I don't call him.

He hasn't even called to check on the kids, much less try to see them.

He says he is filing ASAP. I have looked into the laws here. Basically, if I don't consent to the terms of the D, state mandate is minimum 6 months MC.

So I am kinda, in a weird way, hoping he DOES file, because that way he would have to "deal with" things.

I Plan A'd him for a couple of weeks, and things were WONDERFUL. He REALLY was changing. The day immediately before he walked out on me and the kids was THE most amazing day yet.

That's why I don't believe any of this ILYBNILWY and "I never loved you" junk..


Me BS .. XH WS

DDay 03.25.09

Big D Final 01.2010
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KDew, are you SURE that he's not still in an A? It sounds suspicious that he left so quickly and is talking about filing immediately and all that.

I need to read up on your thread. What do you mean by an 'attempted' A?


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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Immediately Following DDay

and

Once I Discovered The Drugs and Lack of Faith

Those are my two threads.

I know there are two.. And advice is to stick to one.. But I just didn't feel that the title to the first one would draw the right people once I discovered his feelings towards his Faith, and then the drugs.


Me BS .. XH WS

DDay 03.25.09

Big D Final 01.2010
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Glad you posted those links because there is a TON of info in them. It would really help if you'd stick to one thread. Could you at least update your signature so that in addition to DDay it includes something like:

Children, 3 and 9 mos
DDay 03.25.09
Lots of online Local Singles memberships
Some secret marijuana use
Not sure if there were any As
H is living at his brother's

In reading your posts I think you're very confused about what Plan A is, or at least you were initially. You seemed to think it meant sitting down and telling him what you'd discovered and what your boundaries are. That's not Plan A at all. There's a link in my signature, please read it carefully and thoughtfully. Plan A is about meeting ENs and avoiding LBs, while not being a doormat. You may know that now, but your posts just say "I'm in Plan A" but you never say WHAT you're doing regarding Plan A. There's no indication that you're meeting ENs - which ENs they are, how you're meeting them, etc. There's no indication that you've identified LBs and that you catch yourself and avoid them.

You also seem concerned about how to fix the problem instead of ignoring it. Now that he's no longer signing up for singles sites, or sneaking some pot, the symptoms are gone but the underlying problems still remain. i.e. he may be a sex addict, you have no trust, you don't want to spend your life policing him. These are not things YOU can fix. These are things HE must own. So ask him:
Because you had memberships in Local Singles sites, I feel insecure and threatened. What are your plans to make me feel safe again? How are you going to protect our marriage (and how will I know that you are doing those things)? What are your plans for earning back my trust?

You need to sit down and figure out what your boundaries are. This means figure out what things would mean you are no longer willing to stay in the marriage. Then tell him. If he crosses a boundary, you must be prepared to kick him out, to leave yourself (with the children!!!), and/or to file for separation or divorce. So a boundary has to be a complete deal-breaker. A boundary is not a strong wish or a way to coerce another person into expected behaviors. They are statements of what you are not willing to tolerate, and you have to MEAN it.

Suggested boundaries:
WH get IC for his possible sex addiction and for anger management
WH get a clinical diagnosis for possible depression and follow the prescribed treatment
WH attend the MC program of your course, and participate - including all homework - until YOU are satisfied.
WH not use any illegal drugs.

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I am trying to stick to one thread now - I actually just updated my recent post that I have been using now.

The only reason I had asked anything here (on this particular thread) was that the initial post was a question that I myself had.

As far as the boundaries that you mentioned go -- I requested all of those. WH REFUSED.

So does that mean I file?

If you could talk to me on my current thread, that would be wonderful, as I really am trying to stick to one thread. :-)


Me BS .. XH WS

DDay 03.25.09

Big D Final 01.2010
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Originally Posted by turtlehead
You are not far past D-Day.
Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

If you're in Plan A, you should NOT be talking about the relationship, counseling, divorce, none of it. You should be meeting his ENs (and that does NOT include "explaining" things to him - that's a DJ) and avoiding LBs.

Sorry to object here, turtlehead, but the description of Plan A/Plan B, linked in your own signature, does not say the above. It says:

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended. Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.

A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery.
It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan. What are Plan A and Plan B?

It seems to me that a discussion of "the relationship" - both the marriage and the affair - is integral to the plan.

Why is "explaining" things a disrespectful judgement? I can see much scope for explanation as well, in what Dr Harley describes. Negotiating for the WS to separate from the OP and exploring unmet needs might all involve explaining. Why is explaining bad? Doesn't it depend on the way it is done?

Similarly, I cannot see that Dr Harley would be against this being done in counselling. The MB team coach many people while the affair has not yet ended and the BS is in Plan A. Why do you say that counselling should not be addressed during Plan A?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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