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Well, it should be no suprise that I found a text message to her. It wasn't "how are the kids", it was... "Love you!" At first he denied it. Then I said I was sitting here looking at the phone. Then he said it was an accident. Like you could enter 7 numbers and hit send (twice at least) by accident.

I threw him out. He came home and his stuff was in the driveway. He begged, he cried for two hours. "Please take me back, I screwed up, I fell off the wagon, I din't tell you becasue I was scared."

Well, I let him come back.

I guess it feels different this time. Each time seems a little closer. But still, we were in MC two hours before I found the message and he sat there, knowing he had sent the message saying it was about seeing the kids, not her. Well, the message was about her.. So he lied to me and the MC.

He still wants to see the kids. Still wants to justify it because he believes it won't hurt them. Remember, they believe the OW husband is their father. He has raised them as his for 7 years and never made a fuss, treated them like his own. (Maybe they are.) Remember, there is no DNA and she refuses testing.

I don't see how breaking up the family is going to help them or be good for the kids. He thinks he can just play with them a couple hours a week and then they can go back to the OW H and be a happy family... Doubt it. I think it will only hurt them.

So he was in IC. Seems he spent most of the time trying to justify he wouldn't upset the kids life. He should have been dealing with his sexual addiction and pathologic lying.

BTW, is seems she didn't reply to him. Maybe the door is closed there? I hope so, I guess. I still hate him and wish he would get the he@@ out of my life. But a part of me loves him and he is trying.

My advice to anyone following this thread is that there is no way affair partners can have a relationship that is different from the A. Anyone who is trying to do that; it won't work. They are addicted and they only know the fun exciting part of a relationship, not the routine daily life part. There is no way they can change that becasue there is no reason to change something that feels so good. This is all about what feels good and what their ego needs. These A partners need their egos massaged constantly.

so, one day at a time....



49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
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My advice? YOU contact OWH and ask him to take an RO out against your H.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I DO hope you exposed this latest bit of contact to OWH.


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me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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DS 15
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Time to choose!!!!

boundaries and consequences.......

full transparency, absolute NC, Get real with counseling, this is about him and his problems, not about some other married man's children....pulleeeze

Every time he lies, every time he does something else and you let him get away with it, he is encouraged to continue, go back and reread Harley's principles of NC, and transparency, boundaries and consequences.

Been there and understand, but you are able and must be tough to bring change to your M.

Fled

ps let the OWH know about the C!


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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The OW H does know the kids may not be his. THe OW says she hasn't had sex with her H for 8 years. If you believe that.. (I don't)

The friends thing will never work between them. The texts keep occurring... They are all continuing affair type communications.

Last night I made him text her to stop communicating with him. It said he wanted her to focus on her marriage and make a good home for her kids an let him do the same with me.

It is like a spiral. Around and around....

Each time he begs forgivness and pleads to stay. Each time it gets better but still. I just want to be able to let my guard down and just relax and be a normal person... I guess that's not in the cards for me...


49 yo F
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pushpull

time for you to expose OWH. Does the OW and WH work together?

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No, she is an assistant to an attorney (divorce atty no less) and he is a general contractor who is completely in charge of his own schedule.

He says he want to stay with me. He is trying.. But the texts he sends her lately are not complying with the NC....

But he says he is sorry, she is an addiction (true enough) and he fell off the wagon...

I feel sorry for him.. He has islolated himself for his friends over this. e can't talk to anyone about this or anyting becasue he is too ashamed. So she is the only one he can talk to. A self fulfilling prophecy.

We had a long talk last night. He needs to look inside himself and figure out what it is he needs and wants. So far I think he has chosen the path that feels good (her)or the path that is consistant with his real life, me, depending on what pops up on any given moment. He needs to decide what he wants and make it happen not just bounce from even to event.

He says it's me and our family. He needs to show that I think.


49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
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Just a note. I have another post going that is more up to date. (OW children...they are 7)

He continued to talke to her, text her, see her and her kids and lie about it. When he would get caught it would be the same story, "I fell off the wagon, I'm right here with you..."

I wanted to believe but there was no point. FInally after a year of this I said no more and divorced him. He said "I lost everything". Actually, no, he pissed it away. My kids are angry with him. They will never get over it although they are dealing with it in their own ways. Certainly not what a 16 year old boy needed. I told them what was going on shortly after this last post. At least they knew the truth about why all the arguing. For a while they thought I was going crazy. Now they know what the truth is. The ex wanted to blame me for the turmoil in the house... if I just din't get mad at him when he got caught everything would be ok! I just wasn't going to be part or that blame game!

So, I guess I have learned that you guys were all right. THe lying wouldn't stop. He even now lies about inconsequential things because he doesn't know how not to. He wanted me to support him and put up with her and let him continue hir relationship. He used her kids as an excuse to see her. The text messages were always "I love you", not the kids, not we love you back to him but I love you...

Now he sees she is a drama queen, lying and manipulative, just like he was. I guess he is getting what he deserves.

I am going to continue to learn how to have a successful relationship. I did learn a lot about how to be in a respectful relationship from MB and the principle of mutual happiness concept is the best.

I will keep an eye on here. Maybe someday I will feel healed enough and wise enough to help others.


49 yo F
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Pushpull- Your scenario scares me the most. The only thing that I think has helped is that my H did not have a relationship with OW and he was not notified of OC until after the fact. We actually moved on and he was doing well. I started to TRUST him again. 2.7.2010 was the day he went back to being a liar according to him because he was trying to protect me. Well, eventually he decided he could not HOLD it in any longer.

Best wishes to you and your children!

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Just wanted you to know your not alone, after 8 years my opinion is NO they can't be friends even or should I say especially after the oc, if the are then no real normal marriage can exist . It's clouded with the neverending bs on the offence and ws on the deffence... Really hard, I can say as much as I love my husband, as much as I wanted everything to be ok, patient empathetic etc , it really wasn't ok...breaking any promises and putting us through any more pain after all we willingly acsepted is beyond horable. I know that my willingness to forgive out of love allowed him to remain a selfish child. Since the seperation I can breath,finally...

Not a hopefull post but an honest one, if I listed my whole story you would cringe, trust me your behavior patern is unhealthy, you can't change him but you can change you


~You don't drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there~
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Thanks to all. Just an update. I have moved on. D Day for me was now 2 years ago this week.

He is just moving in with the OW. She finally divorced her H but he still lives there part time(now that is a creepy situation if there ever was one!) The ex texts me every week crying about how she is unreasonable, manipulative, jealous... and that hs misses me wants me back... I am sure when he was married to me he would cry to her about how I was unreasonable becasue I wouldn't live with him cheating on me.... Or some other complaint..

It is really sad. His kids see him for a liar. It is really heartbreaking for my daughter, who tries to be good to both of us, to say "mom, I wish dad would just stop lying to you.."

All I can say is that I tried my best to make it work. I just couldn't live with half a husband. My only regret is that I let it go on too long. My house was turmoil for a year because I kept giving him more and more second chances. Silly me, I wanted to believe that for once he was telling me the truth; but he never did. He still doesn't even though now it doesn't matter in the least to me what he does and he really doesn't need to lie anymore.

I did learn some bad habits. I did let my temper get short (I used to have a long fuse. Not so much anymore but I am trying to get it back) I am trying to be tolerant but not put up with stuff. I am learning to love and be loved again, but slowly. But I will never be the trusting soul I was.

I have to slowly put things back together. My son nearly flunked out of high school and got seriously into drugs but I think he is pulling together and moving on with me. I am trying to take comfort and pride in trying hard and not compromising my honesty.

But to be very blunt, I think there are some people in the world who will lie without remorse. Some (but maybe not all) spouses who cheat will really come to believe that they deserved to cheat becasue you weren't good enough, sexy enough or whatever and blame you for their cheating. They will convince themselves they deserved to have the OW on the side. Either you weren't enough or they have such an enormous void in their own sense of self they have to have someone else tell them how wonderful they are all the time. They forget how to be happy with themselves. THey can't appreciate what they have. I guess it's like "no matter where go there you are". You can't run away from yourself. And if you rely on someone else to make you feel content, you will never feel content with yourself.

Not that I am perfect. But I am trying to grow from this...

Best to all.


49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
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Pushpull,

thank you for the update. I am sorry your WH didn't have the testosterone to turn into a real man for you and your COM. You sound good, even for what you have been through. Stay focused on being the best that you can be and you will be there, and your COM will follow you. Your WH doesn't have any comprehension of what he has done to anyone and probably never will.

You can recover a better you, not the angry person you became (understandably so, stress does it, and trust me, it does get better...BTDT)

Good Luck!!

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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Just to ask the MB out there if having my WH access to this article of pushpull be appropriate?
I am currently on the saa forum and he had a single appt with JH. But since i saw this thread and is so familiar with my setup I was wondering if it would be of any help to him and maybe help him realize what is really wrong here?
thank you for any response and help


Me BS: 52
WH: 52
Married: 28 years, happily (prior to A admission 11-9-09)
(OC born: april 3,2007 or is it feb 3, 2007)DNA result is negative 3-5-2010
location: bay area
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A long time since I wrote. Hopefully this will help someone else.

I divorced the WH. He is living with the OW and their twins (who don't know the truth but everyone else does--)

He continued to manipulate me through the divorce and I enced up losing my house and with a huge debt from his business and general lies about finances, etc. (Yes I was stupid to take his word for things, but I was not as strong then)

My son got depressed and got into heroin. We sent him to a long term treatment boarding school in Utah which turned out to be a blessing for the family. I found wisdom and strenght from their family support programs.

My daughter went through a period of "cutting" while she lived part time with him. Now she is a bright and promising high school freshman and lives full time with me.

My son is finishing his program in December and is becoming a better man because of his experience. He will be coming home to my house where there will be boundaries and rules. He sees the living with his dad, who is still a "people pleaser to feel good about himself" will not work for him.

Not to say I am the best and wisest. But I have learned a few things...

First and formost: Take care of yourself first. All else will follow. Take one day at a time. Stay true to yourself and SET BOUNDARIES based on YOUR VALUES. It is your house, you set the values.

Yes he still tries to manipulate me. I have learned a few things to say to him that work; "bummer for you", "sorry to hear that", and most importantly, "no".

Yes I have moved on in all ways. I am happier and calmer. The anxiety attacks have lessened. I am learning to love again (after a couple years.) I have navigated a stormy course and YOU CAN TOO! The words of the folks here are right on. Look at the posts on this thread and you will see truth. They say it better than I can. The only thing I wish I would have been stronger with was standing up for myself in the divorce becasue I got screwed. I didn't want to fight and I was afraid of paying alimony. I probably would have paid a lot less if I would have paid a lawyer up from, but I let him manipulate me. I just didn't want it to drag out. But it's over and I will work my way out of it.

I can't control him or my kids, (truly.) I can take care of myself. All else will follow.

Caryl, A
Courageous,
Cheerful,
Capable woman.


49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
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Now I am 52
My kids are 18 and 15


49 yo F
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H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
Joined: Jul 2004
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Wonderful update on your personal recovery, pushpull. Sorry about the finances but thankfully you have your pride and your children. Money can be replaced. *hugs*


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Feb 2007
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Pushpull,

I am so glad you stopped by. I am very sorry to hear about your kids, but it sounds like things are on the right path now. You are Capable, and smart. Do not beat yourself up for trying to deal with this horror that invaded your life. None of us know what we will do until we are there and every situation is different. I would go back and do things differently as well, and we are recovered and doing well.

Blessings,
Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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