Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
Folks, I am starting a new post. I think this is a different enough issue that it needs a new slot.

Does anyone have any experience with children of an affair? Sorry this is long but it's complicated. I don't know where else to post this but I really need help! This web site has the most experienced and helpful comments I've found.

My H has/had a long term affair. He has twin girls (allegedly-refuses DNA test) who are 7. His A partner was, and still is married to her H. Her H name is on their birth cert, he has raised them as his. While he may not be the same wonderful father my H is, he is by everything we understand, a good father (even from the A partner who always used him as a reason for her participation in the A.) The kids have a loving family, they have a house, both parents work, supportive extended family, no drug problems, no abuse, the kids are happy and healthy and have an older brother who is her and her H child. AND they believe the man married to their mother is their father...

My H did not really have much to do with them until a little over a year ago but then he started meeting them and her at a park, then started picking them up and playing with them from daycare once a week alone. All this telling them he was just mommy's friend from work. He bonded with them. There was definitely some manipulation on her part. She had them draw pictures saying “we love you…” for him and make pottery for him. She had them tell him they loved him and told them he loved them and had them tell my H they loved him-not who they believe is their real father. Must have been confusing for them! This coincides with a huge step up in the intensity of their A, complete with renting an apartment together!

I found out 9 months ago. The A continued for 6 months. Now, they have apparently broken it off and arein NC-mostly. It seems more like he was "addicted" to her sexually. He used the kids as an excuse to continue the A but I can assure you, the hundreds of texts they exchanged were not about the kids, they were lustful, sexual messages and pictures. He said to me a lot, "it is all about the kids" but the text messages were not about the kids, they were about sexual desire... But he says he won't be happy unless he can be "part of their lives".

Now, we don't know what she wants to do but we haven't seen any paternity papers..

He wants to re-establish contact with them. He thinks he can do it through her H or her mother so he doesn't have to talk to her. He thinks he can live with only seeing them once in a while and not calling her every day to see how they are doing.

He thinks he will be good for them. I don't see how telling 7 year olds their daddy really isn't their daddy and mommy’s friend from work really is but they aren’t getting married, he’ll just be there for you. I doubt all the friends and family will accept this, especially her H family (do you think grandma will like this?) What do they tell their friends when he comes to their birthday party? I doubt it will strengthen their marriage. Would the A partner and her H getting a divorce help the kids? Is their marriage strong enough to withstand this?

So, will shaking up their world help these kids? I don't know. If they were in a difficult family, there were drugs, single parent, any difficult situation it would be different. But there isn’t; they are happy healthy well adjusted kids as far as I can tell. If they weren't 7 and know they have a daddy it would be different. If we had known when they were babies it would be easier.

There is no way he can go on seeing them without telling them as they will figure it out anyway. No one else has mommy’s friend from work hanging out with them. As soon as our kids know he is seeing her kids they will know because my daughter was taken along to play with the kids and our kids know she is the A partner. No other reason for him to play with those kids now that the A is over...

And our kids, would this be good for them? My son is 15 and entering a very rebellious period anyway. My daughter is 12 and loves everyone so I think she'll be ok as long as we stay together. They know about the A and have accepted that we are working it out and are trying to stay together. One benefit bringing it out would have is they would understand why it is so hard for me to get over this. (It never seems to be over!)

He says he is committed to working on our marriage and I can assure you there have been some very tough times since I found out where I have thrown him out and been very angry and hateful but he has stuck with me. But he thinks he will only be happy if he can parent those kids too. But truly don’t trust them together. It’s not like a divorce where parents have chosen to split, they were made to split. I don’t think their desire is as intense, but I don’t think it will ever go away…

Is risking our marriage worth it for my kids? I just don’t know I can trust him around her EVER and I don’t think I can live knowing he is still in contact with her- even if it really is "just about the kids" this time (I can barely type that without an anxiety attack.) Remember he told me it was “all about the kids” when he was secretly exchanging very intense, lustful, sexual text messages with her (and yes having sex still too-just not as often once I found out.)

They have had no contact for 3 months except for one text he sent her. But it wasn’t about the kids, it was “Love you” to her. I am told she didn’t respond….

I understand he should be a responsible parent. But what is that in this case? We also don’t know if she will allow it now anyway, but I don’t want to have him call her and ask and he has respected this. Is upsetting the world of 4 (actually 5 –her other child too) being a responsible parent?

I know in an infidelity support group, our experiences will bias our opinions. But what should I do? We are working on our marriage and we both see that we need to do that before adding this additional stress. This web site and a few others plus MC and IC all help. Today I know our marriage could not withstand the stress of him seeing the twins and he agrees. We are working through the affair recovery suggested. But there is this underlying stress all the time. If he is committed to me and I can’t live with him seeing the twins, and he can’t live without it, will he always resent me? Is it bad to see them? Good to see them? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Why rock the world of 4 kids un-necessarily? Arrggg! My head just spins!

Help please???


49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
PushPull,

Your H and OW are destroying 3 families by continuing their romance, (WH & W), (H & WW), (WH & WW). If they break it off the familes of (WH & W) and (H & WW) stand a chance.

As for (WH & WW) twins they need to be told the truth, as an OC I feel very strongly about this.

I was lied to by the parents who adopted me, all the while the adults around me knew the truth, sort of like being the butt of a conspiracy of silence painful, everyone knew but me. The reactions of the relatives etc I spoke with, tended to indicate they thought about it whenever they saw me.

God Bless
NJ

When I found out and questioned the people around me

Even if your H never plays much of a role in their lives they need to know. WW's H is not their father.


Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 690
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 690
Blood does not make parents, or relatives. Emotions do, and they are based and relationships, and interactions. The best thing in the world I could have done for my DS 20 was to have had his dad fall of the earth when I D'ed him when DS was 2. Instead, the back and forth crap and games his F played, the contempt he has for him now, even if he loves him, are ridiculous. We chose NC not only with OW but also with OC. The OC is far better off if she would get her life together and find a real father for her OC. She created OC on purpose to be a mom but didn't think a dad was important, the consequences fall to her. We will not cause greater harm to the COM just to give a little bit to OC, it would cause more harm than good for everyone.

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
What if none of the other adults but your mother and her husband, the only father you have ever known, were the only ones who know? No real conspiracy.

What age? At 7 i think kids want stability. Will them knowing their father isn't their father but he is still living with them and married to their mother make them feel safe?

Really, I want to do the right thing for them too.


49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Your H and OW are still very much in an affair, even if with minimal contact. Your H is still very selfishly thinking like a wayward. Yes, the kids should be told the truth IF IF IF DNA PROVES your H to be the father but not until they are older. OWH is providing a loving, stable home which their so called bio parents are NOT!!!

I don't know what to tell you pushpull. It is a crappy situation for you. Be prepared to tell your own kids at some point again IF IF IF DNA proves your H to be the biodad.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
PushPull,

You wrote
What if none of the other adults but your mother and her husband, the only father you have ever known, were the only
ones who know? No real conspiracy.


I guess it is implied that the BH knows the paternity of "his Child", even so kids know more than you think they know and I think on some level they even understand somethings they may have gathered from adult body language etc.

I won't say I knew anything concrete but I always had a special feeling for the person who turned out to be my biological father growing up. I would ask my adoptive Mother about where he had moved to etc. These children might also notice similarities between themselves and your H.

What age? At 7 i think kids want stability. Will them knowing their father isn't their father but he is still living with them and married to their mother make them feel safe?

I knew I was adopted from as early as I can recall, I was adopted out of my family at 18 months, so I would say the earlier the better. Might also make it better for their acceptance as an adoptive/step father which is what he really is.

Sucks to have no definite identity btw, when I look through family photographs from my adoptive parents I can't help thinking what a fraud it is for me to say they are my relatives yet in another sense they are.

When I married my wife I seriously considered taking her last name just to get a definite identity.

A sin once committed goes on for a thousand years, no easy choices, just different types of pain. Perhaps we can accept that the truth is always best, at least you don't have to keep your story straight.

God Bless
NJ

PS I agree DNA, DNA, DNA if your H is not the FATHER then they will have to get to know a third "FATHER" at some time in the future. You can't take her word on it. This will also protect you financially from the other family.

Last edited by newjersey; 05/06/09 11:41 AM.
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
This is really helpful, Thanks.



49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
The ONLY reason to tell 7 year olds that their father is NOT their father is a SELFISH reason - selfish on the adult's part. What possible benefit would a 7 year old receive to have his world shattered? They are already getting screwed up enough trying to figure out why a strange man is basically romancing them.

Stop this nonsense immediately.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Catperson,

The ONLY reason to tell 7 year olds that their father is NOT their father is a SELFISH reason

ONLY?, how about the rights of people to know who they are, to have a genuine identity, not to be lied to, for the paternal grandparents to know that this child is not their flesh and blood? This is similar to arguing that infidelity should not be revealed because I didn't want to hurt the other person.

No matter when the truth is revealed to the children, and someday it will, it is going to hurt. I'm not sure if there is a good age.

Also I found out about the identity of my biological Mother after she was dead, all I got to do was wipe her gravestone with my tears year later.

God Bless
NJ

Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 376
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 376
Originally Posted by PushPull
Folks, I am starting a new post. I think this is a different enough issue that it needs a new slot.

Does anyone have any experience with children of an affair? I do, in so far as I can't tell you if the man who raised me as his is my bio dad. Due to the timing of my conception during my mom's erratic cycles, my dad could be my bio father or it could be from the ex boyfriend of my mom. I'm not exactly an OC because my mom wasn't with the ex boyfriend, but the ? of my true paternity has always been a dark cloud in my parents relationship. (no ultrasounds back when I was a bean in the belly to confirm exact timing of conception)

My H has/had a long term affair. He has twin girls (allegedly-refuses DNA test) who are 7. His A partner was, and still is married to her H. Her H name is on their birth cert, he has raised them as his. While he may not be the same wonderful father my H is, he is by everything we understand, a good father (even from the A partner who always used him as a reason for her participation in the A.) Please try to step back from this emotionally. You seem smitten with your husband to think he is a better father than your wayward husband's affair partner's spouse. I'm not saying this as an angry BS. I'm saying this as the daughter of a man who raised me whether or not i was from his DNA. You're husband isn't a good father if he's doing what you describe in this thread. The kids have a loving family, they have a house, both parents work, supportive extended family, no drug problems, no abuse, the kids are happy and healthy and have an older brother who is her and her H child. AND they believe the man married to their mother is their father... He is the twins dad. And truthfully, for 7 year olds, they don't think in terms of DNA, rather they think in terms of acceptance by those who say they love them.

My H did not really have much to do with them until a little over a year ago but then he started meeting them and her at a park, then started picking them up and playing with them from daycare once a week alone. All this telling them he was just mommy's friend from work. He bonded with them. There was definitely some manipulation on her part. She had them draw pictures saying “we love you…” for him and make pottery for him. She had them tell him they loved him and told them he loved them and had them tell my H they loved him-not who they believe is their real father. Must have been confusing for them! This coincides with a huge step up in the intensity of their A, complete with renting an apartment together!Please quit minimizing your H's role in all of this. You mention the OW as being manipulative. Your H is just as nasty as she is. He's got 2 COM that he isn't considering. He thinks it's ok to tell someone else's kids that he's just their "mommy's friend". Sorry, but he's an emotional abuser. He's like a drug addict that sells their children to get the next fix. He's done nothing for 7 years. Refused DNA and allowed another man, who might actually be these children's bio father, do all the hard work of raising these kids. Now he worms his way back in. That's sad and sick.

I found out 9 months ago. The A continued for 6 months. Now, they have apparently broken it off and arein NC-mostly. It seems more like he was "addicted" to her sexually. He used the kids as an excuse to continue the A but I can assure you, the hundreds of texts they exchanged were not about the kids, they were lustful, sexual messages and pictures. He said to me a lot, "it is all about the kids" but the text messages were not about the kids, they were about sexual desire... But he says he won't be happy unless he can be "part of their lives". ie He won't be happy until he can have his fix. The kids can die for all he cares. Seriously. It's so not about them. Don't let him try to fool you that it is.

Now, we don't know what she wants to do but we haven't seen any paternity papers.. You're not going to see paternity papers. The paternity papers are the marriage certificate that says OW and her BH are legally married. Legal precedent was set when her BH didn't file for D as soon as he found out about the A. He would have needed to file at least for S and demand that paternity testing be done on the twins. He stayed with her and the state considers him to be the father. Even if OW and her BH get D, the BH would have a heck a legal fight *not* to be considered by the state in which they live as those kids father. Whether DNA tests prove the BH to be the bio father or not, he's still going to be responsible for child support since he has been the one raising the children. They know him as dad through an intact M into which they were born and no state in the union is going to go against that. Even if the BH is unaware of the A and that the twins might not be his, he won't get out of being their dad legally without spending big $$$$. And I don't think your H can even petition for paternity testing because OW remained and still is married to her BH.

He wants to re-establish contact with them. He has no legal grounds whatsoever for doing so. He doesn't even know if he is the sperm donor. (Sorry to sound so rude, but this is all about his selfish desires. A good father would be leaving these children alone. Not playing mind games with them. He thinks he can do it through her H or her mother so he doesn't have to talk to her. What does her BH think of that? And what grandmother would even consider it? He thinks he can live with only seeing them once in a while and not calling her every day to see how they are doing.

He thinks he will be good for them. I don't see how telling 7 year olds their daddy really isn't their daddy and mommy’s friend from work really is but they aren’t getting married, he’ll just be there for you. Good! you see it for what it is! I doubt all the friends and family will accept this, especially her H family (do you think grandma will like this?)I just mentioned grandma not considering. No grandmother that loves her grandkids would. What do they tell their friends when he comes to their birthday party? I doubt it will strengthen their marriage. Would the A partner and her H getting a divorce help the kids? Is their marriage strong enough to withstand this?I want to speak as BS vs as OC in response to this. As I was reading through your thread, in the back of my BS mind I was thinking, "It sounds like they OW and WH want to use the kids to break up the marriages in order to establish an affairage. I was thinking they want to be get D'd from you BS's and set up house together.

So, will shaking up their world help these kids? I don't know. If they were in a difficult family, there were drugs, single parent, any difficult situation it would be different. But there isn’t; they are happy healthy well adjusted kids as far as I can tell. If they weren't 7 and know they have a daddy it would be different. If we had known when they were babies it would be easier. So you and OW BH were unaware of the A when the twins were born? My bad for not reading your other thread. But the rules still apply just the same. Your WH was content to let another man raise the children who might be his. So was the OW content to deceive her BH. The BS's and children are collateral damage in all this. So sad.

There is no way he can go on seeing them without telling them as they will figure it out anyway. No one else has mommy’s friend from work hanging out with them. As soon as our kids know he is seeing her kids they will know because my daughter was taken along to play with the kids and our kids know she is the A partner. No other reason for him to play with those kids now that the A is over...The BH in this needs to know what games your WH is playing with *his* (the BH's) children. The BH should file a restraining order on your WH.imho And I'm speaking as a possible OC who's dad ran off the man who might have been my bio father. I'm glad my dad did so! It protected me. Makes me know my dad loves me. My dad might not be my bio father, but he's my dad!

And our kids, would this be good for them? My son is 15 and entering a very rebellious period anyway. My daughter is 12 and loves everyone so I think she'll be ok as long as we stay together. They know about the A and have accepted that we are working it out and are trying to stay together. One benefit bringing it out would have is they would understand why it is so hard for me to get over this. (It never seems to be over!)With LTA's there are so many difficult dynamics. I can't speak for your relationship with your WH. But, omg, children are children. Your WH and his AP seem to be in such a fantasyland fog that their own kids are fodder under their feet. Honestly, your kids have one parent....that's you. You are the only one who is considering their best interests. With the twins, the BH is their only parent. He is the only one in their home who has their best interests in mind. Please take your children to a good counselor and let them know what is happening.

He says he is committed to working on our marriage and I can assure you there have been some very tough times since I found out where I have thrown him out and been very angry and hateful but he has stuck with me. But he thinks he will only be happy if he can parent those kids too. But truly don’t trust them together. It’s not like a divorce where parents have chosen to split, they were made to split. I don’t think their desire is as intense, but I don’t think it will ever go away…

Is risking our marriage worth it for my kids? You don't have a marriage in the true sense of the word (speaking as a BS) Your WH is the one who has put the M into a garbage bag. He's taken it out to the can. now he's walking the can down to the curb so the garbage men can come pick it up and throw it away.

I just don’t know I can trust him around her EVER and I don’t think I can live knowing he is still in contact with her- even if it really is "just about the kids" this time (I can barely type that without an anxiety attack.) Remember he told me it was “all about the kids” when he was secretly exchanging very intense, lustful, sexual text messages with her (and yes having sex still too-just not as often once I found out.) You can't trust him. He's already proven that with his actions.

They have had no contact for 3 months except for one text he sent her. But it wasn’t about the kids, it was “Love you” to her. I am told she didn’t respond…. No contact is no contact. There's no such thing as almost no contact.

I understand he should be a responsible parent. But what is that in this case?You know he should be a responsible parent. Again, his actions prove he cares less about all of the kids involved. (speaking as possible OC) We also don’t know if she will allow it now anyway, but I don’t want to have him call her and ask and he has respected this. Is upsetting the world of 4 (actually 5 –her other child too) being a responsible parent?Why does she get to allow anything? Why do you let him dictate what will or will not be in your M? What do you want from this point forward in order for WH to remain married to you? You get to decide what you want and set the expectations. If he is remorseful and wants the M, he will accept and abide by your guidelines for reconciliation. Anything less from him and he's just giving you lip service. Anything less, and you don't have an true M, rather one that is just a certificate saying your'e H and W.

I know in an infidelity support group, our experiences will bias our opinions. But what should I do? Protect yourself and your children from your WH. We are working on our marriage and we both see that we need to do that before adding this additional stress. This web site and a few others plus MC and IC all help. Today I know our marriage could not withstand the stress of him seeing the twins and he agrees. We are working through the affair recovery suggested. But there is this underlying stress all the time. If he is committed to me and I can’t live with him seeing the twins, and he can’t live without it, will he always resent me? Don't let his foggy ways drag you into the fog. Keep your bearings. First, he doesn't have proof the twins are his. Secondly, he has no legal ramifications to determine whether or not they are his. If he was truly working on his M and himself, he would acknowledge that he made bad choices. He would acknowledge that his bad choices 1)hurt his wife and children immensely, 2)may have created children outside of his intact family unit, 3) that by possibly siring children that were born into another marital unit, he gives up all recourse to those kids, even the ability to know whether they are truly from his DNA. Any resentment he has should be directed toward himself only for the pain he's inflicted. He made these choices and he gets to deal with the consequences. If he resents the consequences then he's not remorseful. He's a cake-eating cheat instead. Is it bad to see them? Good to see them? Am I being selfish? Please get the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. They even have one written for M. You're not selfish. In fact, you're giving to much. You get to decide what you want in order to remain in the M. If that means he never lays eyes on those kids again, so be it. It doesn't make you selfish to have such expectations. But it does make him an even bigger selfish jerk if he expects to remain married and be able to pull this crap.Is he being selfish? Why rock the world of 4 kids un-necessarily? Arrggg! My head just spins!

Help please???

Your kids deserve to have a mom who is happy. They also deserve to live in a stable environment. They shouldn't have to worry whether or not their dad is committed to his family.

Remember, no matter what you decide, you're not the one "rocking" the kids world. It the two selfish wayward adults who are doing the devastation.

There are so many options. Maybe you should go NC (super dark Plan B)with your WH and file for S or D. Only communicate with him about COM and finances (use email...no phone calls so he can twist things). Even better, if you can get a third party to act as a mediator between you and him with the kids.

That way he knows you mean business when it comes to what you will tolerate and not tolerate in your dealings with him..

I would suggest contacting an atty about your rights. You're WH is very foggy and it doesn't look like anything short of a major jolt will knock him out of it. Again, protect yourself and the kids.



Live, love, and laugh because the best is yet to come!
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
RareMamaJewel, EXCELLENT post! Sometimes the truth hurts, but better to be in this mess with eyes wide open.

Per the twins, I agree w. RMJ--they are better off with the father who knows and loves them, regardless of DNA! Your H and OW actions (playground visits, making them say "love" to Mommy's work friend?! sneaking behind acting father's back!!) are DESPICABLE and confusing for children! Young kids need SECURITY, stability, love. Your H and OW are not providing that--her H is.


PushPull, what evidence do you have that your H is ready for change (giving up the A)? Everything in your post points to the opposite.


My story: H talked me into staying in the marriage... we moved long distance and didn't see OC until he got military orders back to OC's town 6 YEARS later. We got visitation (despite the lack of previous contact)... and 3 years later he ran off w. another OW. I found out he had multiple OtherWomen... more than I will ever know!! I have more contact with OC than he does (before, during, and after he ran off!), because COM and OC have close bonds.

Some people don't care who they hurt; your H sounds like one of them.

PROTECT YOURSELF and your kids. He isn't going to do it.

So sorry. Huuugs,
J

Last edited by Jenny; 05/07/09 07:18 PM.

Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. -Mother Teresa
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
NC is a must until DNA test is done. Demand this, expect this from your WH.

Does the OWH know that he is not the dad?

Does the OWH know that his WW cheated?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 690
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 690
Awesome post RareMamaJewel!!!

Listen to what she said PushPull


Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 32
You are all right. I thank you. This is so hard because what he wants messes with my head so much. I know that it is not right for them to tell 7 year olds to tell "mommy's friend from work" you love him and not their daddy of 7 years. I think the A partner's H knows he isn't the father, at least that is how it is explained to me. My WH says his A partner hasn't had sex with her H for 8 years so he knows he can't be the father. I don't believe that. Anyone who does is really gullible (yes my WH). I guess they told him he was the F shortly after I found out about the A. I think at that time she was trying to get rid of her H to make room for my WH and told her BH all the details he had missed out on.

I don't know what the H of the A partner thinks. I don't know how to contact him.

There was another set of texts between them last week. I was upset becasue the deal was he should let me know not hide from me. He didn't confess to me and lied about it. Eventually he did admit he had a lapse and knew it was wrong and quit.

I made him send her a text while I watched telling her no more communication, focus on her M and make a good family for her kids with her H and he would do the same with me. No response from her yet. I don't know if that is true but we will see. I told him he needed to do the text right there in front of me and send it because if he waited until the next day it wouldn't happen and it would show me he was trying to keep his options open with her above his comitment to me. He considered it for a moment, then did it almost exactly as I asked.

We are trying to change our communication patterns. He is very closed emotionally. She was an excape and a fun, exciting thing to take him away from the real world. He has given up his long time friends for her companionship. He will need to find new friends other than her. I hope he can...


49 yo F
2 kids M15, F12
H having/had? affair
has 2 OC (twins)age 7
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Thinking the OWH knows that your WH had an affair and knocked her up is not the same as the OWH actually knowing.

Being the affair is on going. That the OW is claiming your WH is the dad it's time you expose the OWH. This will bring the OWH into action for him to hild his WW accountable and end her affair and help you to get a DNA paternity test down.

You need NC to end this affair. Expose today. This affair has been going on for years because you have not taken the most important step to end it. Expose them to OWH, WH's parents and his siblings.

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Thinking the OWH knows that your WH had an affair and knocked her up is not the same as the OWH actually knowing.

Being the affair is on going. That the OW is claiming your WH is the dad it's time you expose the OWH. This will bring the OWH into action for him to hild his WW accountable and end her affair and help you to get a DNA paternity test down.

You need NC to end this affair. Expose today. This affair has been going on for years because you have not taken the most important step to end it. Expose them to OWH, WH's parents and his siblings.

Thank you TR.

This is exactly what needs to happen BEFORE any other step is made.

(those poor kids)


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 690
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 690
Why does he still have a phone number she can reach him at? The day my H decided to stay, I gave him one choice, stay and NC forever, or leave. We traded cell phones for the next month. She called me twice and hung up. Then she called him at work. He reported home immediately. Hung up on her and called me then and there. Didn't wait until I got home. Full disclosure, 100% transparency.
They are still engaged in the A. They are both liars and you cannot believe that the OWH knows anything from your H. GEt his name and google his number. Make C and exposure with OWH. It will require action from both sides to stop these two waywards.

Fled


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
PushPull,

Again DNA needs to be done so people can move forward, one possible positive outcome is that OWH is proven the father and he can kick out OW and raise the children in a sane environment without OW who is addicted to your H. You need to speak with OWH!

Also those OC know something is up, the beans have been spilled on a sub-concious level at least.

My biological father it seems had another OC that was a co-worker of mine, and she dosen't "know". One day she said to me that "you remind me of my Father". So I think we know more than we know we know and our brains work on levels not magical, but not completely understood either.

I face the dilemma of raising/not raising this issue with my half-sister who remains unaware of the possible connection. She shares the same eyes with myself and my father.

God Bless
NJ

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
Push/Pull:

My mother believes I am an OC, and believes my younger siblings are too - no DNA ever done. She was involved in a 9 year affair; he died of a heart attack two days after she broke it off.

So I'm going to give you the OC POV.

I have a dad. I don't need or want OMM to be my dad. My dad is NOT a great dad but he is an honorable man who worked hard to provide for his family.

I found out when I was in my 20s. I was nauseous for days, and in a deep deep depression when I found out. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been only 7 to have my world ripped up - daddy isn't daddy?

How utterly selfish of your husband to blow up their world.

Totally and completely selfish. To rip a lifetime of memories from a child of any age, have them question the love of their parents and this impostor posing as a father now after 7 years? In my case OMM was an impostor - taking my older brothers fishing while my dad slaved to provide for us and didn't have time for recreation. Sneaking Christmas presents to us, stealing from his children of his marriage to do it. They deserved his full attention and support. And they didn't get it.

I hope you get through to him and help him grow up soon because the way he's behaving, he's looking for an excuse to stay in touch with this family - he needs to lose one family or the other. It would be best all around if it was his impostor family that he loses - at least he'd show some maturity in this whole thinking from his little brain behavior.

All the children will end up hating him if he makes the wrong choice - his children of marriage will have been robbed of their rightful father, as will the 7 year old twins - their rightful father is there as he has been for 8 years!

Last edited by KaylaAndy; 05/13/09 06:44 PM. Reason: name correction

Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
I'm with you, K&A.

My REAL dad is the man who raised my sister and me....TG HE manned up and did right by us, cos who knows how screwy we'd be if'n my daddy had stayed in our lives.

DNA does not a true father make.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5