Good.

This makes sense.

She can always take the children to her parents' home if she wants to visit with them without you there. In fact, you and she can arrange her visitation to be held at grandparents' house--right?? It make sense that you would have some concern about where she takes them when she is visiting with them. Where is she staying right now--with bff? By the way do not trust bff. It sounds like you have been wary with bff and that is good. It is reasonable that you have a say in where she takes them for her visitation because you do not want them to be introduced to her adultry partner.

Have thought about you and your situation a couple times today. Did not mean to sound like you are not doing the right thing in my earlier post. Who knows, maybe giving her that opportunity to snoop in your computer worked to your advantage because now you have reason to keep her out of house without you being present and reason to change the locks on home.

Good for you and good for your children. You are the parent that needs to be awarded primary custody. You will keep them away from OPs who have poor boundaries. She will allow OPs with poor boundaries to have access to them. Don't mean to sound morbid, but it is the case and you need to protect them from her and her adultry partners.

Good Going.

Whew, that was a little difficult. STBxWW got her around 2;00 PM. WE have been together in same house, @ soccer game, and back to house for 8 hours. Longest 8 hr shift of my life.

Talk was good. I was cool as cucumber and a bit cold at times. Explained to her that I was going to have to be distant and at times rude because I have to get over her. She understands. And even said today she doesn't blame me for divorcing her(??!!) A small baby step toward her own personal recovery.

Did I tell you I managed to come up with a story that sort of puts doubt in her head that I can read all her texts? Hope it works...I'd love nothing more than to read some texts from POSOM#3 (or #4, or #9) saying how he loves it that she's separated and headed to divorce. It would help my love bank drain completely.

I was strong today and avoided a lot of eye contact. Went down to other end of field to shoot pics, which is what I normally do. And was quiet all the way home from soccer -- 20 minute drive. Normally I'm chatty, but today I just kept reminding myself of all her lurid texts and e-mails.

She knows this is my "final answer!"

She's having trouble finding an attorney. Lots are asking for big retainers. One asked her why she left the house and her children. She teary eyed and told me this...I was pretty heartless when she did. She is feeling her pain...

And counselor made her sign a contract not to hurt her self. Good.

Seriously she doesn't even look good to me now. She's hippy, her complection is not good (would it be after days of crying...?), and her boobs look too big for her frame. When they were my boobs that I got to touch, hold, etc. they were great. But now that they are OMs boobs...well, he can have them. Fake boobies are just not soft. I'm told they soften up after 6 months or so, but last time I had my hands on them they were unnaturally firm (hear me justifying my decision to Plan D her...)



I would so love to head out and have a nice ONstand with a beautiful single woman. Seriously being back on the market soon has me jumping for joy. Remember, my STBxWW was my first and only partner. Damn. I got some catching up to do

Rev: Nice job working the long-beards. Some days the chase is more fun than pulling the trigger. Where are you from? Duck hunting is my true love. If you interested we should get something going...

That's it for now. As bad as yesterday was emotionally, today is much better. I feel stronger, have less of a love bank for her (thanks to her snooping around my computer) and I'm feeling good, having lost 12 pounds since Wed (stress and anxiety diet...it WORKS! Seriously, I'll be getting back on good nutrtion soon)

Thanks for all the suppport!!!

LG - just so you know, the signature on this contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. BTDT. Your wife needs to find her own strenth not to hurt herself. If you're washing your hands of her then you're washing your hands of her. She'll do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. That you read/saw these things before she knew about you having access is one thing. If they continue more they're a cry for help or a cry for attention. JMO.

I agree she is crying out for attention. I believe she is unintentionally using her "neediness" to feed my addiction as a "helper." It ain't working. I'm keeping my distance and letting the love-bank run out...

Yes, the contract isn't worth the paper it's written on...but if the STBxWW honors it, that's all that matters. I want her safe, but I don't want her manipulating me.

Just told my best buddy of 20+ years...and he drops bombshell on me. He and his wife who have been married 20 years were BOTH messing around a few years back. Both confronted each other and looked at the abyss...the have since stopped their wayward ways (at least he says...). He talked about how he saw similarities between he and my STBxWW -- crave the attention, crave being needed and wanted, love to look good and be wanted. Blah.

I'm disappointed in my friend. He's a long time friend, but just lost a lot of respect in my book. Bummer.

If this is what you want, your LB to run dry, dry, Sahara desert-dry, then continue on your path.


Doctor Harley claims we're all capable of having As. If your friend and his wife have taken steps to secure their marriage and put each other first, then why are you disappointed? Seems to me they've done what you were hoping to do. ??

How were the computers wiped dry? I ask because trained forensic examiners, 1ee+ h@X0r d00dz, or any CS student with the right commercially available tools can recover data that has been supposedly deleted.

Even if you nuke the file and then nuke it from the recycle bin, it's still there. Think of it like ripping the pages out of a book and then throwing away the index...the pages are still there and still have information on them, and can still be reassembled into their original form with time and the right tools.

Best practice is to use an NSA-like disk wiping tool that will write alternating patterns to overwrite what's on the disk. That or use the US Navy self-destruct tool for destruction of classified airborne computer systems - a hammer!

Roo,

Law has gone through two infidelities. The last of which was guided with the advise of MB. The boundaries were set. She has broken them and is clearly abusing her husband's sense of forgiveness. She is a serial cheater and will not learn from the consequence of her actions.

Compounding this, she is intelligent and aware of the social repercussions from her action.

The one area that I have difficulty with, is the moral response to OMW. Legally ignoring OMW may draw you more money. Ethically, her marriage is in the same dire trouble as Laws.

Hi Lawfulgood,

I've been following your position on laptop while on holiday.

I would like to add my voice with all that found distress in your circumstances.

bit: I use program called windows washer that uses something called "gutmann" style bleach on items that are erased. overwrites each file 35 times with random characters. Is this enough?

Thanks for support imagine.

Help me drain the love bank. Strike that...help me bankrupt my love bank for the STBxWW, call the FDIC to get it's license revoked and then burn it to the ground, dig a whole and buldoze the rubble in and bury it...get my point.

Here was the dealbreaker text. It's not the infidelity as much as it is the repeated lying when I asked SPECIFICALLY about this person:

POSOM: How r u
STBxWW: Pretty good. And u? How was the morning?
POSOM: Very busy but ok it was nice seeing u this am
STBxWW: You also. We just don't get that chance very often
POSOM: I know I really wanted to plant one on you in the elevator My heart sank right there...
STBxWW: Nice
POSOM: Is that a good nice or a sarcastic niiice
STBxWW: A fine nice. I figured u for grabing my chest![color:#3333FF]Remember, she's got new boobies
POSOM: No just lips to start I will wait til u show off [/color]
STBxWW: Not gonna happen-i don't show off
POSOM: Ok then we r back at grabbing
STBxWW: Persistent, huh?
POSOM: Until u say enough or shoiw
STBxWW: Yeah yeah
POSOM: U just tease me
STBxWW: Whateva! U r a big tease. And make sure u delete all these messages
POSOM: I will u 2 call u later

I understand that written word is only 1/3 of communication, with inflection and non-verbals making up the lions share. And at one point I actually believed her load of crap when she said it was "over" with this guy, and he's always trying with her...but she resists him. "Just slept with him one time..." Yea, right.

This is the text I keep going back to when I have a hint of a feeling sorry for her.

Break out the 2x4s and let her HAVE IT!

Remember, even @ Divorce Day she kept saying it was over between her and this guy(? WTF?) And this text was from LAST TUESDAY! The day after she looked me in the eyes and said nothing going on with this guy, SPECIFICALLY!

I keep reading this and hearing her voice tone change in my head...A FINE nice...

I'm not sure I like your WW at all! Her attitude makes me

You are well rid IMVHO.

She will be very sad and very lonely at some point and will look back at the life you all could have had and will feel like the POS she currently is.

I see a lot of pain in your posts. I am sorry. I can't imagine what your wife was thinking - obviously she wasn't. I hope that you can transition to a place of indifference and parental cooperation instead of the anguish that you are currently feeling. I hope that you can find peace.

Hey LG, I know you're full up to the neck in WW excrement but if you get a chance read up on and post to Bigbob1964.

He's been here on and off and is being thoroughly abused and played by the WW. She actually ran him over with OM's car after getting caught in the parking lot and he just went home.

He won't seem to listen to reason but since you've recently taken off the rose colored WW spectacles maybe you can convince him to do the same?!?!

iam: I'll bop on over to Bigbob's thread...thanks. Might help process some of my emotions...

stillstanding: I know I need to get to the place of indifference and parental cooperation -- but today i'm feeling like, well, beating the crap out of DrX-OM and slamming these texts in my STBxWWs face so she can reach a new low!

I'm the type who keeps his feelings bottled up -- calm, cool, always in control. IC tells me to "just let it out..." So I'm trying to do that. Trying to let my emotions go.

And after being addicted to her for so long, being addicted to helping her and making things right -- well, reading those texts helps me hate her just a little more. drains the LBank a little every time I read it.

Just being honest...

>I would so love to head out and have a nice ONstand with a beautiful single woman. Seriously being back on the market soon has me jumping for joy. Remember, my STBxWW was my first and only partner. Damn. I got some catching up to do


ONSs can hurt other people. There is a reason we're cautioned against it, morally. Please keep that in mind....

Just worried for your heart - as well as some SW's.

LG,

Rather than t/j this off course. Feel free to email me at the address in my signature line and we can take this conversation off-forum.

I am just sorry that you feel like you have to hate her. I am sorry that the love that you had for your wife and the mother of your children has to be reduced to being described as an addiction. It is OK to admit that you loved your wife and that she is a broken soul. You gave your marriage everything that you had. I hate to see you diminish it. You are an honorable man. I think that you feel safer hating her because your other feelings are so overwhelming. After trying so diligently to salvage your marriage I am sure that there is a part of you that still can't believe this is really happening. I am sure that the sense of loss is huge. Hate is so consuming. I hope that you can process all of this and find a calmer place. I am sure that it will take some time. Before your last d-day, you were obsessed with saving the marriage and making your wife happy (we all do this). Now, it seems you are obsessed with revenge and hatred. I am sure that this will diminish as you have time to settle into your new reality. What is the status of your photography business? Is that on hold for now? What about your car projects? Is there something else that you can focus this energy on? I know that it will be almost impossible to think about anything else but can you do something else? Would it help?

ss2,

I've read some of your stuff, so I know you are being sincere with the above advice, but I have to say that as a BH, I disagree with about every word.

When FogFree and I were dealing with the A fallout, I stayed in a state of rage for several months, and, in hindsight, it actually HELPED me maintain focus and actually DEAL with the situation at hand, along with my own issues. Anger and hatred are perfectly normal MALE responses to betrayal.

In LG's case, anger and hatred can be a very HEALTHY state for a BH that has been a doormat for too long. LG needs to effectively KILL his feelings for his WW to be able to move forward to other relationships WITHOUT the emotional baggage of maintaining any feelings for his WW. Also, I'm actually glad to hear of LG's fantasies of bodily injury to the OM. He never allowed himself this process during DD#2 with his former hunting buddy and it hampered his recovery efforts.

As a BH, your advice comes off as condascending as it effectively minimizes his NORMAL feelings, plus you even suggest that they are less than HONORABLE, and that's pure BS.

Allow LG to process these issues and feelings as a MAN ... he has MORE THAN earned that right, and frankly, given where he started, its encouraging to witness.

Again, I know FogFree likes you, and I don't question your sincerity, but there are definate differences in the way men and women process this A stuff. Let LG experience these very normal male emotions, even though you may not understand or agree with them.

I did not mean to minimize his feelings or imply that they are not honorable or normal. That was not my intention. If it came across that way, I do apology. I understand what you are saying. But you are wrong thinking that only men feel rage and anger. Women feel rage and anger as well. It overwhelmed me the first few weeks after d-day. I wanted to physically hurt OW for months. I do understand the validity of the emotions. Where we disagree is that I don't agree that focusing on these negative consuming emotions is productive towards healing or child-rearing. These emotions will come. I don't think he needs to seek them out but manage them so he is not consumed by them. They still have small children to raise together. I hope that he can move past the hatred to be able to effectively co-parent. I don't think it would be a goal for today or next week or even next month. But I do think that if he hates their mother, his kids will sense it and it will be hurtful to them because they will always love their mother. Your kids are grown. His aren't. That makes him stuck with her until they are grown. I respect your opinion also. I know that we do see things very differently. I like FogFree too so I figure you can't be all bad. I know that you really try to toughen up some of the guys here and it is needed because men and women do need to behave differently. The men that let their wives walk all over them do not thrive. That, I do wholeheartedly agree with.