I'll let you in on a little info ... when I D'd my kids mother, they were younger than LG's and make no mistake ... I HATED HER ... for a very long time, and I still managed to be a father, and both of my children have turned out to be very fine ADULTS.

I NEVER bashed their mother to them directly, but she bad-mouthed me and my parents constantly. Therefore, there wasn't much "co"-parenting going on. All I could do was take care of my end of the situation, because I didn't have any control over what XW did, and neither will LG.

In situations like this children are very perceptive, and in my case, the kids had nearly polar opposite examples of how to live their lives and the expected results of those choices. BOTH came to live with me when they reached the age of consent, and made most life choices wisely, which has led to their happiness and stability now, while their mother continues to make poor choices and reaps their expected results.

Eventually my hatred of their mother subsided into COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE to where now I can truly say that if tomorrow ... she hit the lottery or was ran over by a truck ... it wouldn't make a bit of difference to me.

Look around MB at the truly pathetic BH's who claim some form of marital R, but are painfully unfulfilled and unhappy with their lots in life. If they had been able to truly seperate their feelings for their WW's, even through HATRED, they would be so much happier and fulfilled, but their feelings make them a self-imposed prisoner in their own marital limbo hell.

There are just tooooo many examples to discount the benefit of completely severing the relationship, to the point of even becoming adversarial, once Plan D is considered the BEST course of action.

Appreciate the replys. Emotions all over the place. Last night seeing her weeping, looking broken, unsure of how to interact with her kids (she's not around them much anyway), and me ignoring her...I felt just a twinge of pitty for her. I could feel her sucking me back in.

So as I felt that I would distance myself even more from her, both physically and mentally.

this morning I posted the texts and then read them over and over and over again. I read them so I could be reminded of just what this woman is capable of -- lying to my face while engaging in an ongoing affair as I struggle for recovery. I do not hate her. But I need to hate her, even if it's just a little, to break this love bank / addiction.

For our entire relationship she's been troubled, and I've been the savior, the fixer, the safety net. No more.

It's hard because I read STIL's post and I'm crying. Then I read REV and I slide back towards the rage.

I know STBxWW is still a long way from rock bottom. I just want her to come completely clean with me and admit that Dr.X-POSOM is still in the picture. How can he not be given that text last week. PUKE!

Thanks for all your support through this. REV, e-mail coming soon buddy.

Pretty important comment.

You do whatever works for you to get through this. Anybody that could put you through THREE d-days is heartless IMO. One d-day was unbearable. I truly cannot imagine the pain you have suffered at her hands THREE TIMES. I am so sorry! How do people seem so normal and hide so much brokenness? How can she even live with herself? I don't get it.

LG- when I read your post about always helping her with med school, residency etc. My stomach knotted. I know exactly what you mean. I spent my entire relationship second to something, tests, journal reviews, boards, presentations. I even played travel agent when the interviews for residency and fellowships came along. I stretched every nickel we had into a quarter so we could live a decent life while he made no money and I tried to be in school or worked low end jobs all the while having to put off law school because we didn't know how long we would be somewhere.
All with the promise of when he finally gets out and starts his career we would be able to travel, spend time together and I could focus on me. Well, the second he started to make money, literally, he traveled, spent time and money on her. In 8.5 years we had 2 vacations one was our honeymoon. In the few months they started seeing eachother over 6k in vacations together.

I understand you need/desire to hate. Depending on what time of day you ask I will probably give you a different answer as to what I want and how I feel. I too have read and reread their sweet emails and texts to each other to help maintain fuel my emotions. And I must also add anger, rage, desire to physically maim is not solely a male trait in fact there is nothing more dangerous than a mother that is threatened. Beotch beware, if she ever gives me cause, Kill Bill will look like a Disney flick!

I understand that!!!

Whew, you said a mouthful!

DNA does not a parent make (I'm always sayin' that, aren't I?).

You can not like their mother and still be a great dad, LG!

It's really not that hard. The hardest thing I've had to do is to bite my tongue...and when band-aid makes bandages for your mouth ALL will be okie-dokie in the world!

Dealan-de,

Very well said ... and, THANKS for the confirmation.

Yes, LG can be a GREAT father and not have much interaction with their mother. I'll go even farther and say that if LG really learns from this experience, he may even be lucky enough to find a real "MOTHER" for his children.

I'd like to offer up some props for FogFree, as an example. FogFree never had any biological children of her own, but make no mistake, when it comes to "our" children, she is most certainly their "MOM" in every way. Both of them call her with news or a problem, before they would call even me, and both of them introduce us to their friends as their "parents".

I've watched them interact with both FogFree and their biological mother for years, and the best description I can think of for the way they view their mother is "embarrassment", while you should have read the heartfelt cards and genuinely loving hugs delivered to FogFree Sunday for "Mother's Day". They made it VERY clear who was ALWAYS there for them, and just who they considered "MOM" to be.

It hasn't always been easy, but children can actually thrive post-D, regardless of some of the sentiments expressed here as fact.

When you find you've dug a hole for yourself, like LG is in at the moment, the most important thing to do is PUT DOWN THE SHOVEL ... in other words, distance himself from this cancer ... and start the process of climbing out of that hole (healing). His daughters will benefit from the example, and will likely strive to find a man, just like the example set by their FATHER.

FWIW ... as an example ... my D M'd a man that could easily be mistaken for me 20 years ago. Same physical size, temperament, sense of responsibility, personality, interests, etc.

They really do pay attention and make future judgments based on those observations.

>FWIW ... as an example ... my D M'd a man that could easily be mistaken for me 20 years ago. Same physical size, temperament, sense of responsibility, personality, interests,

My ex married my doppleganger...right down to our names being VERY similar.

Weirdness.

Explained to her that I was going to have to be distant and at times rude because I have to get over her.

She must have been smiling big time with this comment.

It tells her that you are sooooooo not over her...and that she is still in the power seat.

Telling her stuff like this isn't a good idea, imho.

committed

She's right, you know.
Keep your thoughts/feelings/plans to yourself.
Close to the vest.

I don't hate the father of my children and my ex-husband. He doesn't hate me. We have raised our two kids together. They have turned out very well. We are both proud of them. We have been able to handle children issues together. He is not a monster. Neither am I. Our marriage did not end because of adultery. Maybe that makes a difference. I don't know. Our children love us both. We both remarried. We have no contact other than to discuss the children.

If hatred has helped some keep their sanity and recover from the mess that adultery causes, than who am I to say it is wrong. It would not work for me. I wouldn't want to live consumed by hatred. My views seem to be the minority here. If I were LG, I would have to struggle to not hate my stbxw. What she has done to him is evil.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14654-overcoming-hatred/

Not the plan now. My STBxWW got teary eyed when she saw I had the comforter wrinkled and on top of the sheets / blankets. She asked me if I spent all day in bed? (teary eyed...she almost lost it). I let her think that.

No, when she knows I'm upset it bothers her...big time. She doesn't want me to be mad at her, yet she doesn't want me to be sad. She's an emotional wreck.

I'm letting her get closer and closer to rock bottom. I haven't cried in front of her or lost it, but I've lost it in front of her BFF. And I'm sure she told my WW about that.

These feelings are genuine, not made up. And I'm playing my hand very close to the vest.

WW asked if I'd seen our doctor for anti-depressante. Your thoughts on getting on meds? Could that have an effect on my divorce? I think I'd like to be on them but do not want that to play against me in divorce.

And thoughts on how I should be acting around the STBxWW when she is here. I'm sure her attorney said she needs to be here EVERY day seeing her kiddos. I'm okay with that, but me having to be here isn't the greatest for draining my love bank for her. My attorney said I can designate someone to be here with her, but I don't trust the BFF or mother-in law. And I'm sure my wife won't agree to have my mom come stay with her and them.

Looks like I'm just going to have to live with her coming and going for now.

I've been on anti-Ds since D-day. I've had them adjusted here and there but am on a rather low dose, I'm told. Can't imagine the wreck I'd be without them. It was suggested by folks here that I do so and I'm really glad I followed their advice.

Different ones can have different side affects (slight weight gain, loss of libido, for example) but that could be different for different people.

Wouldn't hurt to ask your doctor. Since going on them, I've learned of many people who take them. It's quite common, I understand. (Or maybe just here in the NW where it's grey half the year.)

Um, what? Has not it occurred to you that you don't have to tell STBxW you're taking AD's. If you would stop giving her things to use against you, she will have less to use against you.

I think anti-depressants are a great idea, provided they're being prescribed by someone who has your best interests at heart.

NervousNewbie: I've not told my wife anything about getting on or not with regard to Anti-Ds.

She's the STBxWW, and gets no information from me. She voided that contract when she lied....again...for the gazillionth time...right to my face...ick. PUKE!!

You can arrange to have your mother stay with her and your children. It is a reasonable solution to the problem. It would be very unreasonable for her to refuse. You do not have to live with her coming and going in your presence.

STBxWW says she cannot face my mother at this point in time. Very guilt stricken and ashamed.

Need opinions here. I'm contemplating going completely dark on this board. Do any of you feel the information in this thread may in some way be used against me?

I would like to continue, because the feedback is so good for me to hear.

but I have to protect my interests and my family.

Thoughts?

Ask your attorney for advice regarding the meds and place and conditions of visitation. If she is suicidal, I wouldn't want to leave the children alone with her. An intermediary to help the transfer and monitoring of the visitation with the children is a good idea. She shouldn't have to visit in your home. That is intrusive.

That is her problem. Check with attorney regarding the best interests of children. They are the ones that need coddling - not adulterous pathetic wife.


Print out thread and give to attorney. Ask him. STBEWW may have already found this and printed it out. Stop mentioning hate and derogatory statements towards STBEWW. Keep it positive and productive if you are afraid that it may be used against you - it may.