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I've struggled with forgiving my XWW even though she has done alot to prove her love and devotion to me in these last 3 years since DDay. Still, for some reason I'm really struggling with this. I believe perhaps it is due to my unique personal situation. You see my wife was my first. Although I had several sexual experiences before her, I never had intercourse with another woman. I guess I'm a bit of a romantic and I wanted to save myself for someone I was in love with. She has been with a handful of partners and she decided to have a last fling before our marriage, which I didnt find out about till 3 months in.
I was crushed. I feel like I saved myself for this!?! I always thought my future wife would appreciate that because it was something that we have shared that no one else has. She could honestly say that she knows me in a way nobody else does. The point of this is that since DDay a battle has been waging in my head, regarding my loyalty towards her. I question whether I could resist temptation is place into the opportunity if the situation was right.
From those that may remember my last post (its been awhile), afer hearing the comments my wife said to her friend regarding sexual details of the affair 3 years later my feelings seemed to have changed. I know this will come across as crazy to the community, but sometimes the only way I think I can get over her betrayal is to be guilty as well. Then we both have unclean hands and it puts us on even ground.
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You want to hurt your wife and think it will make you feel better. It won't. It may ruin any chance that you have of recovering your marriage. If you want to destroy your marriage, a divorce would be more honorable.
Last edited by stillstanding2; 05/13/09 04:31 AM.
Over it.
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Wallowing like a pig will NOT make you feel better.
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Zack, What she needs to do is show what she is willing to sacrifice for you and the marriage. She is an alcoholic. She needs to stop drinking. Do you know what kind of part her drinking played in the affair?
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Thanks for the reply. Now here is where everyone pulls out the machine guns and lets rip. It would not hurt my wife is she has no knowledge of my transgression. You are correct, there is no honor in the idea, but it may not matter to me right now.
Please don't tell me I'm selfish, because I already know that. It is what it is, some other BS out there has to be able to relate even remotely. Look, this doesnt mean I am going to do anything, but my thoughts certainly betray my virtues. I cant and dont expect everybody to get it. Maybe if I had a variety of sexual experiences with many women before things might be different, but I cant help but wonder .....
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Wow thats great! You wrote exactly what I have been thinking inside for so long since the beginning. I thought I have even expressed it to her, but I dont think its done any good. She knows thats what I want, the sort of dramatic life changing decision that can help us create a new start, BUT shes not ready to stop.
It did play a part, as she said in the past that she had to be drunk to go through with it.
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Its not fair that your wife had more sexual experience than you before you married. You married her knowing this even before her final fling (which was done before the marriage vows). If you think that experimenting with other women will make you feel better, than divorce your wife. Don't become what you cannot forgive. Yes, many of us have had similiar thoughts born out of pain and anguish. Most of us know that the solution is not in heaping more betrayal on an already broken relationship.
Over it.
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It is normal for a guy to wonder what it's like to be with a dozen women. But you have to decide if that is the person you really are.
She won't stop because she is selfish. She has been selfish the entire time you've known her. And that's why you won't leave her - you crave her attention because she is so sparing with it; she always comes first.
Maybe what you really need is some counseling to find out why you have a need to be with people who use and abuse you. Learn to like yourself, to respect yourself.
Once you do that, this will become a non-issue.
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Zack,
My thoughts are these: Don't give in to the temptation. Just as your FWW owns the fact that she chose to indulge in an A, you too will own that choice if you do so. It will take something from you that you will never be able to recover. Protect yourself from that. Even though you think it will make things even or it is justified given what she has done: it won't and it's not! That is a playing field you don't want to be on! Keep your head high and don't throw away your dignity and self-respect.
WW - me (28)
BH (32)
EA/PA - 11/07-4/08
D-Day - 4/21/08
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Zack, What more can you say now to her that you haven't already said? The time for words is passed. They have not accomplished anything. Action is required. You may consider turning up the gain by letting her know that if she chooses alcohol, she loses you. Do you want to be a close second to alcohol in her life? Tell her that there is no longer room for you and the thing (alcohol) that gives her the courage to have sex with other men.
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Zack, I understand the thoughts about what it would be like with other people. I understand wanting to get even because she was your first.
FWH and I were EACH OTHER'S firsts. Now he's been with someone else. Yes, it hurts like hell and I question whether he compares, and I wonder how he could throw that special bond away. It eats at me all the time. I wonder what it would be like with another man. BUT, I value my character and my morals more than that. I don't want to feel the guilt and remorse that I see in his eyes.
BW-31
FWH-32(skald)
DD-5
In Recovery
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
"To Err is Human. To Arr is Pirate."
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Zack, Is this poster you also? Click here~~~> zackmorris : I've got it bad First post from that thread: I've got a secret that I have been holding that I've never told anyone before and I need to get it off my chest and get some advice on how to handle my situation.
I was on this board a few years ago after finding out my wife had an affair. After that experience, Ive never really been able to get over it, although my wife has really pretty much done everything necessary for recovery. She admitted it on her own,(it was brief PA), she answered all my questions, has been completely transparent, and probably most importantly, has been truly remorseful. Yet it feels as if I can't let go of the betrayal. The pain is still great and even after a few years passing, I broke down crying the other night.
Now my problem is that I have become completely infatuated with a woman I work with. The thing about this, it is completely one-sided. She does not reciprocate any interest at all, and in fact I don't get to see her that much and rarely get to speak with her. She does not know how I feel. This is not a recent thing either, as I have been experiencing growing feelings for her over the past few years. It has taken quite awhile for me to recognize my feelings. I've always thought she was attractive, but thought initially it was just lust or a temporary thing. But it has not passed and it seems to be getting stronger.
Last week I found out she is engaged. When she told me I acted glad for her but deep down I was upset. I know how pathetic this is, believe me. I have worked with her for around 3-3.5 yrs but don't really know her well, so how can I have feelings like this for someone I don't know well? I think about her all the time. I fantasize about her almost every night as go to sleep. Like I said I got it bad right now. Its not that I want to have an affair with her, what scares me is that I can be having this strong of feelings for another woman besides my wife.
Once upon a time, I loved my wife with all my heart, she was everything, then she broke my heart and its never been the same. I know she loves me, but our relationship for me now is love and hate. One day I feel like I really love her and we can spend our lives together, the next day I can't stand her and I feel like I hate her and I'm not in love. Things have been stressful for us lately. We have had more fights in recent times something we rarely ever did (before everything happened) and it seems as if my love for her is steadily eroding. Things have been said which are hurtful and which I have a hard time letting go of. Of course there is much more to the story but this post is already long enough, so I think that covers the jist of it. Thanks for "listening" Sure sounds like you, right down to the wife with "alcohol problems"...So it appears that you already have your eye on the woman that you want to do this with and are using your wife's affair as rationalization and justification...Here's the thing Zack, that is no better excuse for you to commit adultery than any of your wife's excuses for sleeping with another...As Dr. Harley says, "There are always reasons, but never any excuses."... You are about to make one of the most horrible choices that someone could ever make...It will sear your soul, Zack...It will haunt you...It is a BAD PLAN...But sadly, it sounds like you have your mind made up, and in that case there isn't anything anyone here can say to stop you...  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I DID IT!!(OJ) hehe
I had a malicious RA almost right away. It does even the field somewhat no matter what people say on here. Is it right, NO!!! Can it possibly save your M? Maybe. What if you fall for this OP??! I started out w/ your same thoughts, but then i kinda fell for her. She started talking me into ending the M. It all depends on WHY you want to do it. DUDE
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Its not fair that your wife had more sexual experience than you before you married. You married her knowing this even before her final fling (which was done before the marriage vows). If you think that experimenting with other women will make you feel better, than divorce your wife. Don't become what you cannot forgive. Yes, many of us have had similiar thoughts born out of pain and anguish. Most of us know that the solution is not in heaping more betrayal on an already broken relationship. Its not necessarily unfair, considering I had the opportunities to have more experiences however I chose to keep that part of myself for someone I was in love with. I knew when I married her about her past BUT THAT WAS BEFORE OUR R. I could live with what happened prior to us meeting but for her to decide to indulge in another sexual experience when she was to be my wife?! What would/could she possibly gain? Don't get me wrong here, my wife is carrying a large burden of guilt upon her for what she has done and I know she regrets everything and it troubles her deeply. Its not that I want to experiment with other women as if it would be a regular thing and lifestyle for me. I'm just saying that if the opportunity was to arise (have to be with the right person), I question if could resist temptation and I think I might be open to gain a little NEW life experience, on a limited/one time deal, and this could be done with little or no regret. But hey I could be wrong.
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It is normal for a guy to wonder what it's like to be with a dozen women. But you have to decide if that is the person you really are.
She won't stop because she is selfish. She has been selfish the entire time you've known her. And that's why you won't leave her - you crave her attention because she is so sparing with it; she always comes first.
Maybe what you really need is some counseling to find out why you have a need to be with people who use and abuse you. Learn to like yourself, to respect yourself.
Once you do that, this will become a non-issue. Thanks Cat, no I dont really want to know what its like to be with a dozen women, just a half dozen! LOL Just Kidding! :)p It just about having a new experience in life, its very hard to explain my feelings. I'm not sure I agree with your assessment of my situation. I know its hard to get all the info about a persons life/history on a forum post. She's not abusive, actually she does alot for me. Besides the drinking, almost everything else is great. Of course, for me there is an association with her drinking and making bad choices.
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Zack,
My thoughts are these: Don't give in to the temptation. Just as your FWW owns the fact that she chose to indulge in an A, you too will own that choice if you do so. It will take something from you that you will never be able to recover. Protect yourself from that. Even though you think it will make things even or it is justified given what she has done: it won't and it's not! That is a playing field you don't want to be on! Keep your head high and don't throw away your dignity and self-respect. Thank you for your insightful and encouraging comments. I will take them into consideration.
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Zack, What more can you say now to her that you haven't already said? The time for words is passed. They have not accomplished anything. Action is required. You may consider turning up the gain by letting her know that if she chooses alcohol, she loses you. Do you want to be a close second to alcohol in her life? Tell her that there is no longer room for you and the thing (alcohol) that gives her the courage to have sex with other men. Thats great and in theory it makes perfect sense! But in the real world things are a little more complicated. I have considered laying out such an ultimatum, but its not practical or strategically sound to do so now with our current circumstances. I still do really love her though.
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Zack, I understand the thoughts about what it would be like with other people. I understand wanting to get even because she was your first.
FWH and I were EACH OTHER'S firsts. Now he's been with someone else. Yes, it hurts like hell and I question whether he compares, and I wonder how he could throw that special bond away. It eats at me all the time. I wonder what it would be like with another man. BUT, I value my character and my morals more than that. I don't want to feel the guilt and remorse that I see in his eyes. Wow Drgnfly, thats a incredible story. I think in your situation you can probably understand a little better whats its like for me. You and your H had a bond that was special, and you two knew each other in a way that nobody else has.(or had) That is both special and rare in todays world. Thanks for your reply
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Zack, Is this poster you also? Click here~~~> zackmorris : I've got it bad First post from that thread: I've got a secret that I have been holding that I've never told anyone before and I need to get it off my chest and get some advice on how to handle my situation.
I was on this board a few years ago after finding out my wife had an affair. After that experience, Ive never really been able to get over it, although my wife has really pretty much done everything necessary for recovery. She admitted it on her own,(it was brief PA), she answered all my questions, has been completely transparent, and probably most importantly, has been truly remorseful. Yet it feels as if I can't let go of the betrayal. The pain is still great and even after a few years passing, I broke down crying the other night.
Now my problem is that I have become completely infatuated with a woman I work with. The thing about this, it is completely one-sided. She does not reciprocate any interest at all, and in fact I don't get to see her that much and rarely get to speak with her. She does not know how I feel. This is not a recent thing either, as I have been experiencing growing feelings for her over the past few years. It has taken quite awhile for me to recognize my feelings. I've always thought she was attractive, but thought initially it was just lust or a temporary thing. But it has not passed and it seems to be getting stronger.
Last week I found out she is engaged. When she told me I acted glad for her but deep down I was upset. I know how pathetic this is, believe me. I have worked with her for around 3-3.5 yrs but don't really know her well, so how can I have feelings like this for someone I don't know well? I think about her all the time. I fantasize about her almost every night as go to sleep. Like I said I got it bad right now. Its not that I want to have an affair with her, what scares me is that I can be having this strong of feelings for another woman besides my wife.
Once upon a time, I loved my wife with all my heart, she was everything, then she broke my heart and its never been the same. I know she loves me, but our relationship for me now is love and hate. One day I feel like I really love her and we can spend our lives together, the next day I can't stand her and I feel like I hate her and I'm not in love. Things have been stressful for us lately. We have had more fights in recent times something we rarely ever did (before everything happened) and it seems as if my love for her is steadily eroding. Things have been said which are hurtful and which I have a hard time letting go of. Of course there is much more to the story but this post is already long enough, so I think that covers the jist of it. Thanks for "listening" Sure sounds like you, right down to the wife with "alcohol problems"...So it appears that you already have your eye on the woman that you want to do this with and are using your wife's affair as rationalization and justification...Here's the thing Zack, that is no better excuse for you to commit adultery than any of your wife's excuses for sleeping with another...As Dr. Harley says, "There are always reasons, but never any excuses."... You are about to make one of the most horrible choices that someone could ever make...It will sear your soul, Zack...It will haunt you...It is a BAD PLAN...But sadly, it sounds like you have your mind made up, and in that case there isn't anything anyone here can say to stop you... Mrs. W Great job Mrs W, that was my post from a while back. I couldnt have found that post if I looked for it. Yes, I did start to feel an emotional attraction to this woman, but some things have changed since that post. I no longer work at that company and havent for several months. I though it best considering my feelings, although I must admit I still think of her frequently and feel the urge to see her or just hear her voice. No I havent made my mind up at all, like I stated earlier the battle has never stop waging in my head. To be loyal or free to carefully and safely experience something new before I die. If you read my prvious post, regaring something disturbing I overheard, then maybe you can see why its not so easy to be loyal after hearing her speak of such hurtful and dishonorable matters.
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It is normal for a guy to wonder what it's like to be with a dozen women. But you have to decide if that is the person you really are.
She won't stop because she is selfish. She has been selfish the entire time you've known her. And that's why you won't leave her - you crave her attention because she is so sparing with it; she always comes first.
Maybe what you really need is some counseling to find out why you have a need to be with people who use and abuse you. Learn to like yourself, to respect yourself.
Once you do that, this will become a non-issue. Thanks Cat, no I dont really want to know what its like to be with a dozen women, just a half dozen! LOL Just Kidding! :)p It just about having a new experience in life, its very hard to explain my feelings. I'm not sure I agree with your assessment of my situation. I know its hard to get all the info about a persons life/history on a forum post. She's not abusive, actually she does alot for me. Besides the drinking, almost everything else is great. Of course, for me there is an association with her drinking and making bad choices. I didn't say she was abusive. I said she was selfish. That means that, her whole life, she will pick her OWN happiness over yours, every time. Are you willing to accept coming second for the rest of your life?
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