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#2260557 05/13/09 05:12 PM
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I started dating again and, a very high percentage of the people I meet have cheated in the past. A large number of the women I have met have been OWs.
Do you think it is a good rule of thumb to avoid them. I was asked out by a nice looking woman psychiatrist. After a few dates , she told me she had once had an affair with her friend's husband. She seemed pretty blase about it. I like her but this seems like a big risk.
Does a past history of cheating, even in the remote past , disqualify folks? I think it does for me.

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If it does for you, that is your answer. Anybody can be a cheater though. I might consider it if they showed a great deal of remorse and growth from the experience. I think a blasse attitude is a red flag.


Over it.
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Zelmo, run, run for the hills. Ok, I had an A. I'm not blase about it. To me it was the most horrifying thing that I caused for my H. There are people out there, and I've met some of them, to whom A's are just "something that always happens" and "quite normal" in today's world. Even at my very, very foggiest I never thought what I was doing was normal or acceptable. I knew about "players" and women who thought an A was okay, but I hated them.

Yes, you should avoid anyone who hasn't learned from their experience. Avoid them like the plague they are. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, if she's blase about it she's learned nothing. There are many, many women who would never consider being an OW. Look for them.

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Damn, I thought you were going to tell me there were a gazillion healthy, stable women out there who have never been the OW or cheated on their former husbands....

Way to ruin my day wink

And yes, I agree with KiwiJ, RUN!


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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I agree. Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places...

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If it were me, I would be looking for another BS who could not get past the disloyalty of the affair. At least then you know they understand the pain caused by an A, and you might stand a somewhat slightly higher chance of never going through it again. Also, I would make sure the person was not selfish. Shoot for the stars and you might just land on top of a mountain!


Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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zelmo
Especially if she had an affair with her FRIEND"S husband - RUN. as fast as you can.

there were 3 of my friends who had affairs with my husband- and they all continue their lifestyle even though now they are all divorced and living alone-

any human being who could do that to another human and doesnt have extreme regret - is another form of human who would not be good in any kind of relationship.

if i was dating again = i would look for humble, kind, sensitive and loyal.

sf


BS- me 56; FWH-58
3 kids, DS 23,23 DD 14; Married: 34 years
D-Days: 7/11/07;/7/13/07;7/31/07
Unbelievably recovering- but in an up and down way.
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Originally Posted by Zelmo
I started dating again and, a very high percentage of the people I meet have cheated in the past. A large number of the women I have met have been OWs.
Do you think it is a good rule of thumb to avoid them.
YES YES YES avoid them. It is a huge redflag There are too many sweet, sexy, adorable former BS that have learned and grown for their hurt and would love to meet a non-cheater ...I think you are looking for love in all the wrong places!


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I agree, find another BS.

But just to cut some slack, not all OW's are "OW's". It's not uncommon that a single woman dates a guy for a while only to find out later that he's married. Some of these get all the way to engagement before they find out. These are not the same OW's that purposefully go for married men. Instead, they often feel as horrified as BS's do.

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Zelmo Offline OP
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Thanks. I am going to keep my boundary firmly in place. I must say I've been astonished by the prevalence of this. I have gone out with 5 womne in the last 3 years and 3 out of five had been involved in affairs. It's epidemic, I guess. And none of the 3 thought it was a big deal. Amazing.

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How old were they?

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Zelmo Offline OP
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All my age 50-55. You know, I am beginning to realize that having sex and cheating mean very different things to a lot of people. I must have really been raised much differently than a lot of folks. My first partner was my wife.

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Some wayward women woke up from their affair and learned from it and never had another affair.

Some wayward women just keep going back for another OM. As if they are addicted to having affairs.

Some betrayed women have gone onto become wayward women.

There are no guarantees.

The best thing to do is to look for red flags. Such as the lady shrink that did not act bothered about her cheating past.

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Originally Posted by Zelmo
I started dating again and, a very high percentage of the people I meet have cheated in the past. A large number of the women I have met have been OWs.
Do you think it is a good rule of thumb to avoid them. I was asked out by a nice looking woman psychiatrist. After a few dates , she told me she had once had an affair with her friend's husband. She seemed pretty blase about it. I like her but this seems like a big risk.
Does a past history of cheating, even in the remote past , disqualify folks? I think it does for me.

I would be VERY skeptical if I were you of such women. Unless you are ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that such activity is in the past only for them and THEY HAVE LEARNED and CHANGED forever as a result, I would steer very clear. The last thing you need is another "follow-my-heart-more-than-my-values" type of female like that in your life.


xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Hmm... Zelmo, do you attract these women?


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats

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