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way2 Offline OP
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I guess that in itself is an accomplishment.

Our d-day was May 16, 2002. That date is etched into my brain. It was the day of my daughter's prom. My oldest of four children. In fact after finding the evidence of my husband's affair, that I suspected since April 1, 2002. I left the house and vowed not to return until he left. I had given him 3 hours to collect his stuff and leave.

I suspected the affair on the day it started because my husband started wearing clothes he never wore before. And if that wasn’t enough he started wearing underwear that he here-to-fore said that he hated. It was tight, which he had said was uncomfortable, but he was wearing them. It made his package look bigger. I lay in bed taking all this in and reasoned that the only reason one would do this, especially the sudden change in underwear was that he was stepping out.

I confronted him there and then. He denied it.

The evening I had proof had been the cap to what I thought was a wonderful day. I had just lost 20+ lbs from a diet that I had also started April 1. I laugh when I think about it, that day was decided on by my doctor and myself. I had spent months getting to that point doing work on myself, She had even put me on antidepressants for the few weeks prior to that date so that I would be mentally in a good place. What I was going to do would be tough, we both knew it. In that last doctor’s visit before my start date she asked me if I thought my marriage was strong, because it would have to be to deal with all the changed mentally and physically I was going to go through.

I responded “yes” I was sure. I had was even dropping the prior five years of ill will he and I had toward each other and turned to him, to our marriage.

Well I came back to the house on D-day and allowed him to stay because of my daughter. I determined that she should have happy memories of that day, even if her mom's life was falling apart.

Staying together through all these years has not been easy. For good and for ill, I will never be the person I was, as much as I want to be. Some of the ill is that I will never trust as I once did. I have never been a terribly trusting person, but I had let him in over 20 years ago. His affair, the person it was with, and his refusal to let me heal in my own time ended most of that. I often long for the days when I could.

We celebrated our 20th anniversary last November! I can’t recall what we did, but after our world traveling in August and my being sick for the entire month of September, (including pneumonia) I don’t think we did much.

The world traveling was fantastic! It was my first time out of the country for 14-15 years, and my first time off the continent of North America. (I’ve been to both Canada and Mexico). Well I’ve been to Hawaii in 1981 too.

I had a lot of fun and loved/love traveling with him.

Some of our travel would take us into a dangerous part of the world. I was forced to evaluate how I felt and how much I felt I could open up and trust him. I would need to. Before we left I did face him and tell him that I had decided to trust him. . . but it was for that trip only.

How do I live with it? Well you get used it.

I don’t police him. I don’t beat him over the head with his affair. I rarely talk about it or hint at it. I so much don’t want to hit him over the head with is that he makes jokes about an affair (like Peggy said would happen in the years following) I laugh a bit, but I die a bit inside. For me there will always be pain. Your mileage will vary.

His affair was only mentioned this week, and indirectly at that. Our marriage counselor had told me that there will always be triggers. A truer statement has never been uttered.

As I said I had proof of his affair the night of my daughter’s prom. In the intervening years I have not had a prom to trigger me. My next child, my eldest son, wasn’t into proms, just like his mother. Child #3 is now a junior.

When he announced that he wanted to go to the prom and it was in the middle of May it didn’t click in my conscious mind, but it did in my sub conscious. I began to have problems just getting through things with out getting emotional. May 1 it finally percolated up to my consciousness.

I ran to the calendar praying that the Saturday prom wasn’t May 16. It’s not, it’s May 15, which I know is the date my husband and TOW had sex.

I wish trigger was still just a horse to me.

So Monday I was having a horrible argument with son#2 who has become a real “Type A” personality. No one could figure out why I was reacting the way I was. I turned to my husband and said “think back what happened 7 years ago, this is my toughest week.”

He then took the lead in dealing with son#2

And in that way I am blessed. While he will joke he will also turn the tv when the story line goes to someone having an affair.

To WS who are trying to work it out I will tell you to let your BS heal in their own time. My husband did not do this and the price is being paid these many years later.

While I was on my way back to trusting him, he decided that two years was enough and everything should be not only okay but that I needed to make all these changes that he wanted.
I lost all the trust I had gained back, and the pain, which may have been mooted and maybe ended is now there for all time.

It’s not as all consuming as it was on D-day and those many days and months I clung to MB as my life line. But it is there.

Last year we finally found out what was the cause of menorrhagia, and all it’s accompanying problems like anemia, etc. that had caused my life to be miserable for 11 years. And I finally had a doctor who would do something about it. I had gone in for an ablation, as an extra procedure to make sure it was safe they did a hysteoscope, and there before everyone was the cause.

Polyps. So many of them that my uterus looked like a room crowded with big fluffy over stuffed pillows. It took me a few months to get over the anger that my life had taken a road south and a simple procedure could have been done years ago and ended it all.

I have yet shake some of the anger that his stupid #$@! affair may not have happened at all had a doctor hysteoscoped my uterus much, much earlier. Because then I could have been doing things like keeping a house clean. Much of the friction between us would not have happened at all.

Oh we are not perfect, not by a long shot. I will probably never see the halcyon days of love that I once had but in these last few months, especially, I have come to deeply value having someone there and to be there for him (even when he is cantankerously ill).

Back when I was here every day Kat and Chorus would do song list Fridays where we would post songs and their lyrics that were helping to get us through.

BS you may well always have triggers. I do, and I get angry and have been known to hit a punching bag so hard continuously that my trainer had to hold it for me (the down side is that he then knew what I was capable of and then expected it every day :-P ) I find playing songs that acknowledge what I’ve been through and then celebrating strength helps. Here's a little playlist I created, it may help (warning; it could also trigger)

While I will trade those painful days for almost anything, and I still think what was lost was far greater than what we’ve gained – I still believe in us.

Hang in there.

way2

Last edited by way2; 05/14/09 05:45 PM. Reason: correct spelling, grammar, words, numbers

D-day 5/2002, 6 week A
Me(BS) 39
FWH 35
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1st ended because of DV (domestic violence).
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Great oldtimer update

Thanks for the effort.

As for "a room crowded with big fluffy over stuffed pillow" all I can say is ....

WoW - that's impressive !!!!!!!!

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ROTFLOL

PEPPERBAND!!

I was wondering if anyone I knew was still here!

I will probably always appear on MB around D-day anniversary - owe it and people like you a lot -- maybe my little updates can keep someone else going


D-day 5/2002, 6 week A
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1st ended because of DV (domestic violence).
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GOOD GOD GIRL!!!!! I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU THE OTHER DAY!!

i have to run ys to baseball---i will write more when i get home. i am still praying for HAMBURGERS!!! lol


what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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t/j

Nikko,

Is there any relation between your screen name and the head flying monkey in the Wizard of Oz?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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WAY2! Great to see ya, girl! cool

Thanks so much for coming back to update. I've wondered how you're doing sooooo many times over the years.

I couldn't be more thrilled for you that they finally figured out what was causing all the pain and problems...polyps...wow.

Don't be such a stranger. Maybe you could stick around a while? hug

Lori


VERY HAPPY! FBS/FWS; 47yo; M-29 yrs.; DS-26,DD-21; our affairs: 1990-'96
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Originally Posted by way2
I will probably always appear on MB around D-day anniversary - owe it and people like you a lot -- maybe my little updates can keep someone else going

It does help and thank you. Right now it helps a lot as I struggle to decide if I should even keep trying.


BW-me-56
FWH-GreenMile-62
Married 1982
2 wonderful grown sons

D Day #1 4/1985
D Day #2 10/03/08
D Days continued for a while.

Started real recovery 07/15/10
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How's it going Nikko? smile
I often think of the hamburger and water metaphors. And you!

Catch me up... I'll check back later!


D-day 5/2002, 6 week A
Me(BS) 39
FWH 35
M - 1988
4 kids
2nd M
1st ended because of DV (domestic violence).
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way2 Offline OP
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you're welcome.

I wish I could give you words of wisdom. There have been many times I have thought to quit - my husband probably has to.

Marriage isn't for the weak or the lilly livered.

How's that for a kernel of wisdom? whistle
smile


D-day 5/2002, 6 week A
Me(BS) 39
FWH 35
M - 1988
4 kids
2nd M
1st ended because of DV (domestic violence).
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way2 Offline OP
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Hi at peace!

Wow lots of people still here.

I will try and stay around, the problem is that since I am still in pain - the pain of the stories here still really affects me.

Yes, polyps - stupid, easy to cure (D&C) polyps.

But it's great to not bleed out every month now! To explain the problem to people who couldn't comprehend what my life was like I would say:

Quote
It's like having a miscarriage every month. & my husband shares a bed that looks like someone was murdered in it.



D-day 5/2002, 6 week A
Me(BS) 39
FWH 35
M - 1988
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2nd M
1st ended because of DV (domestic violence).
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chrisner--my name has nothing to do with flying monkeys, however my LIFE often does! lol

way2-actually i got so excited to see you i messed up my own metaphore....still praying for water! still getting hamburgers!

life is pretty similar to what your going through. we did however move and i now live on a small farm with all my critters.
i still bang my head against the wall with hubby, but not as often.

gonna go make coffee....coffee for everyone!


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oh no girl, that won't do

I wrote a 2.5 page (MSWORD) update and you want to skate by with a two sentence update???

So who else has stopped by? What's their news? Weren't you the one who created a shop called "Just Deserts?" If so, how's that going? Come on I want info! http://i700.photobucket.com/albums/ww2/way2mb/ears-emoticon.gif I'm all ears grin

Also considering what MBer's deal with, I can't believe that this isn't a choice in the emoticons http://i700.photobucket.com/albums/ww2/way2mb/banghead.gif


Last edited by way2; 05/15/09 10:30 AM. Reason: corrected spelling

D-day 5/2002, 6 week A
Me(BS) 39
FWH 35
M - 1988
4 kids
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1st ended because of DV (domestic violence).
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Quote
Also considering what MBer's deal with, I can't believe that this isn't a choice in the emoticons http://i700.photobucket.com/albums/ww2/way2mb/banghead.gif



rotflmao Mods, please, please add this one!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by Not Monkey Nikko
chrisner--my name has nothing to do with flying monkeys, however my LIFE often does! lol


It's a great trivia question. Although his/her??? name is never spoken in the movie the end credits declare the head monkey is "Nikko".

I wonder who employed the Winkies and the monkeys after the Witch melted? The monkeys would make great in-town couriers.

Wayzilla was terrified of the flying monkeys. Strange as she has so much in common with the Witch. She is not green but then again I have not seen her for nearly 2-years.


Last edited by chrisner; 05/15/09 05:56 AM.

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i promise i will write it out for you....so much has changed...so much is still the same...lol

i will update you.....i have some stuff to do, but i will be back later.


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Glad you're doing well, Way2. Good to 'see' you.

TA


"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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chicca----you have mail....lol


what we do in life......echoes in eternity!

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