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Just so you know, it is illegal in most states to tape record conversations without letting people know you are taping them.


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I've talked with my attorney. In my state, as long as one person concents / knows about taping it is completely legal.

I've covered that base...thank you.


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Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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Originally Posted by LawfulGood
I'm still contemplating putting a voice activated recorder in her car just to keep tabs on her and the attorney.

I don't get it LG. You tell her about the legal means you were using to keep tabs so now they are gone yet are contemplating ILLEGALLY taping her conversations.

IMHO you blew it.

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Originally Posted by LawfulGood
I've talked with my attorney. In my state, as long as one person concents / knows about taping it is completely legal.

I've covered that base...thank you.
I'm confused. Which of these two people would consent? Your wife? Her Attorney? Attorney/client conversations are priviledged. How can secretly taping in her car possibly be legal? I can understand taping in your house but I don't understand how you can legally tape her in her vehicle. Plus I doubt that you would get him on tape much anyway. Don't get me wrong. I caught my fws by taping in his car. I knew the law and needed the info for myself. I was never going to admit to anything in court and was willing to take my chances to determine the truth. I did end up disclosing it to my husband after d-day.

Last edited by stillstanding2; 05/15/09 06:17 AM.

Over it.
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Originally Posted by LawfulGood
I got a little dig in...saying I want to show you this software. Becasue some where down the line you might become friendly with someone, may fall in love. And God forbid you are put through the same thing as I'm facing now. If you do feel suspicious about your future boyfriend, think about this software. She cried.

I have no idea who LG is. skeptical smirk LOL

Anyway, even though you say you are going forward with Plan D don't say anything about your snooping methods. When your WW's claws come out in court she could come up with all sorts of craziness about your methods. We know why the snooping is necessary but the average Joe (more importantly the judge)might think you are some deranged H who drove her to cheat. If she gets a nasty attorney it will only add to more drama for you.

ETA: And if having your mother, brother or whoever come over more often will keep WW away...it's all good.

Last edited by black_raven; 05/15/09 06:27 AM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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You are right. I just need to be done with snooping on her. No recorder in her car. Enough, I'm done with her.

Clarify: Attorney said I can tape any conversation I have with her in person or on the phone. NO law against that in this state.

Don't worry about taping stuff in her car, or with her attorney. Not going to do that. I'm done with her, period. On to Mordor.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
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It's hard to just let it all go. I found myself drawn into the drama a couple times and it does nothing but make you feel awful. Remember to stand tall and just be the good man that you are. Start doing things for yourself. She's a big girl, time to let her remember this.

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Thanks ZEN! Yes, I need to focus on me. And I need to focus on the kiddos. I can't be concerned about her, her feelings, helping her, how hard this must be for her.

Drama is the only card she has left to play. She tried some little crap today, but my attorney called BS to all of it. She needs to be back out of the house. Either by signing a temp order now, or next week at the temp hearing. Either way I need her out.



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Seriously, time to have your Mother over to "visit for a few days". Make it as uncomfortable as possible for your WW to be in the house.

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Originally Posted by dh104
Seriously, time to have your Mother over to "visit for a few days". Make it as uncomfortable as possible for your WW to be in the house.

clap

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Spent time with family tonight. Neices 18th b-day. It was good. But I was distant and down. Divorce sucks.

STBxWW on back-up call this weekend, but doesnt' matter. With this ex parte I need to be around all the time for the kiddos any way. No different than any other backup-call weekend in my life.

Tired. Hope I can sleep tonight.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
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Didn't say much to STBxWW last nigth when got home. She could tell I wasn't in the mood to interact with her.

This morning much of the same...distance and not much communication. I'm sure it's hurting her, since communication is a high EN for her. It's probably tearing her apart inside.

I limit my communication so insulate myself from her sucking me back in, feeling bad for her and wanting to help her. And I do it so she can reach further and further towards rock-bottom. I'm sure she feels like she's losing everything. She has really only two friends who are talking to her. All the neighbors are starting to hear the rumors. She pretty much hates her mom and doesn't talk to her sister. Lonely existence.

More later.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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Home now and had 45 min talk with STBxWW. It's funny cause she will talk and cry and talk around things...then she will ask me if I"m recording this...then the real talking starts.

The real talk: She knows that I will get the kiddos and she won't argue that point. With her schedule she cannot be the primary custodial parent (however you word it...not sure). She basically said I'll get the residence and have the kids, but she would like joint legal custody and visitation rights. I'm okay with that.

We didn't get in to child support, alimony, etc. My attorney said leave that stuff for later...just keep asking her to be out of house for now. So I kept asking her that.

I see her reaching new lows. She said she feels like she doesn't belong in the house. I get home with kids and they are out the door playing with friends in 5 minutes.

I tell her I cannot help her or talk to her much or be around her because that feeds my EN to help her. And that's not good for me. I need to distance myself from her. I kept asking her to find another place to stay at night.

It's hard. But I see her power over me dimishing daily. Her tears mean little to me now. I don't have this overriding urge to help her. She asked if I could help her find a laptop...I said no.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
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Keep detaching and go for as much alimony as possible. Yo will be fine, financially. Your wife has a personality disorder.

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Don't let her know if you're taping or not. Disengage. completely.

And if she won't leave the house? Inform her YOUR family and YOUR friends are coming over for the holiday weekend next week and SHE NEEDS TO BE GONE!

The woman needs to crash..all on her own..all because of her own behaviors. Seek out an old MB Member..hopeandpray..he got full custody of his son and ww out of the house! He knows how to do it.


God's got a great sense of humor!
XH: WS extroidinaire..remarried ow 1 day after divorce (1/1/04); been cheating on ow/w since day 1 and they are in process of divorcing
Me: thirtysomething, baseball mom of a 10 y.o. DS, happy, moved on. Should be engaged to wonderful guy any day now. Currently reading HNHN together. Building a foundation on truth, love, and family \:\)
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Stop talking with her about legal matters. As someone suggested on this forum say "My attorney will be handling that" when she brings up custody or alimony or who gets the house. If she starts offering things, say "Put it in writing and I'll go over it with my attorney."

Hard as it is, your talks with her are her way to keep this breakup "friendly."

I've been there, done that. And it does no good to try and have a rational conversation with a wayward.

But it takes time to realize this. For me, I didn't "get it" for well over a year. Now, 5 months of a pretty good Plan B and I "get it." Granted, I don't alway follow the rules 100% of the time, but MOST of the time.

It takes time for wounds to scab over and some of our wounds are deeper than others.


M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
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Quote
I tell her I cannot help her or talk to her much or be around her because that feeds my EN to help her.

Stop it! Each time you say this to her, and you do it often, you are giving her (more) power.

Quote
And that's not good for me.

Right! So knock it off!

Quote
I need to distance myself from her.

Right again! So do it...but don't talk to her about wanting or needing to do it. See the difference?

Quote
I kept asking her to find another place to stay at night.

Good. Still a huge advocate of your mom staying with you. Is that an option? For your mom, that is?


LIFE IS GOOD
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Great advice. I will continue to disengage and distance myself from her to insulate from her control.

I see it as a good sign she's willing to even talk about this stuff. Funds are tight, and I'm sure people are telling her I'm going to go after the shirt off her back. Don't want it, just fair and equitable and take care of me and kids. But she may see that as shirt off back.



3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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Thanks Julie. I continue to distance myself. Continue to limit conversations. I can see her getting closer and closer to rock-bottom.

She's pretty technology illeterate and had problems with laptop her friend loaned her. Asked if I could help...i said nope.

I don't want to drag my mom in here just yet. STBxWW knows that I want the house & kids and her out. If STBxWW keeps working with me I'm good. If she starts digging in her heels Mom's coming to stay with me, just to help out you know...


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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I'm going to post this on my divorce forum thread also...

Since DDay#3 I've been sleeping like crap...imagine that. Past five days or so I've been able to sleep a little, but I'm waking up around 2:00 - 3:00 AM in a puddle of sweat shivvering my tail off(?) WTF?

Stress related I'm sure. Any one else go through this?

UPdate: STBxWW just came down stairs with the look of dismay on her face...and asked me if there was *any way we can recover this marriage*??

I was calm, cool and cucumberish and said, nope. No explanations, just nope. She's reaching deeper and deeper...getting closer and closer to rock-bottom.


3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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