let me start from the beginning. 2 years ago i had a affair on my wife with her "supposed" to be best friend. i was in the military and we new i was going to go just not when. at the time we were actually trying to have a baby. The affair ended about 1/2 a month before my wife found out she was pregnant. i told her about the cheating when she was 1 month pregnant. i had no feelings for the girl i was just plain stupid. i loved my wife and i had to tell her before someone else did. well she stayed with me and we went to a few counseling sessions. then i was activated to go to iraq. i was gone the the last several months of the pregnancy and in feb. 08 she had our amazing daughter. she dealt with severe post pardum depression and i had to come home to take care of her and the baby. we have just been going through life like nothing was wrong. i new she hated me for what i did. she said she loved me but wasnt in love with me. she didnt want to go to counseling because she felt like she was being punished for what i did. this past month she has met this guy on the internet that lives 900 miles away. he is married but not happy. his wife is 8 weeks pregnant with his child. they talk and text all day then at night they stay up till 3 or later in the morning talking on the computer. things have gone down hill so fast i feel like i'm free falling. i'm trying to do everything that i know to do to keep my marriage and family together. she says she doesnt want to love me again but she says she is willing to stay and be miserable for our daughter because neither one of us can stand the thought of being away from her. i know the reason she doesnt want to love me again is because she hasnt forgiving me for what i did and she has it so bad for this guy that she thinks he is the only one who can make her happy and she cant quit talking to him. she is in love with the butterflies and the in love feeling you have when you meet someone who she thinks is her soul mate. it hurts so bad because i know how bad i hurt her now and the fact that she has strong feelings for another guy. she says she wants to meet him one time and see if there is anything there but i know what will happen because they have it built up so much in there heads that they are perfect for each other that she will fall deeper in love with him. i dont know what to do.. i love her so much. i want to save my family and marriage because i know that if i could get her away from him where she didnt have feelings for him that we could be happy and in love again.

please give me some advice.

hopeless in indiana

M.C.

i know that i deserve what ever i get for cheating on my wife but i'm so sorry about what i did and i've done everthing to let her know how much i love her and have let her know what i'm doing and where i'm at since then. i just want to get her to give our marriage one more shot with the help of a professional if not only for our sake but for our daughters. i would do anything in this world for both of them. they are my life and my joy. i just cant get her to stop talking to him. i'm so sorry.

bumping for you, and also to tell you to read the Stickies at the top of the "Just Found Out" forum, they will have a lot of relevant information for you.

How long married?

Questions for you: How long was the affair? Is OW married? How did you break it off with her if she was your wife's best friend? Do you still see her?

Questions about your wife: How long has her affair been going on? Why don't you disconnect the internet and the cell phones?

Read, read, read the articles on this site. You need to expose the affair to OM's pregnant wife. Good Lord, I don't understand how men can do this to their wives, especially when they're carrying your child!

Anyways, I've got to run but I'm sure others will come along behind me.

Expose to the OMW ASAP.

Your wife may not want to hear it but tell her for her to turn around and inflict this sort of pain on another woman when she herself knows what that is like is mind blowingly cruel.

Point out the irony that she "loves" an OM with a pregnant wife. Don't be nasty though. Apologize again for being an idiot and get Plan A underway.

i have been married 4 years and our daughter is 16 months old. we do not see the women i had my affair with at all. we quit hanging out with that crowd of friends because it was no good anyways. my wifes affair has been going on for 1 month.

the OMW knows about them now because she found pics of my wife on the computer.

i have thought about shutting off the internet and cell phone but i'm afraid that will hate me even more and push her all the way out.

i have read about the plan A and plan B. i'm confused on what i should do for plan A. Everything i try makes it worse. she says she dont want to be in love with me again and i know it's because she has these feelings for this guy and he makes her happy. if not she would be will to try to stay together for everything we have together and for our daughter.

if you have any suggestions for a plan A please let me know.

You need to attract your wife back into the marriage. It sucks that she is the one doing wrong and you have to be the one trying to fix things but for now that is just the way it is. Just do the things you're advised to do and don't mention them to your wife right now. Trying to "explain" this stuff to your wife right now will just make her angry and resentful.

1. Read up on ENs (emotional needs). Identify your wife's top three and move heaven and earth to meet them several times each day. Remember that your WW (wayward wife) is telling herself every day how great OM (other man) is, how he understands her, how he is her soulmate. You have to shine, too!

2. Read up on LBs (love busters). Eliminate them completely. This is VERY important. Remember that EVERY time you raise your voice in anger, or slam a book down on the table, your WW says to herself "I can't live in a marriage like this" and she's closer to leaving. You absolutely MUST eliminate LBs.

3. Make a list of everyone that could exert any influence on the affair. This would include people like OM's wife, your wife's parents, your parents, your WW's best friends, your WW's siblings, your preacher if you're religious, etc. Then expose to everyone all at once. Tell them even if they already know; it's important that they hear this FROM YOU.

Do NOT tell your wife you're going to do this. Do NOT threaten to do it. Just nuke her world. The exposure message should go something like this: "WW is having an affair with OM. Although I'm devastated I'm determined to become a better husband and to do whatever it takes to save this marriage and make it the best it can be. Do you have any advice for me?" You should also confess your own affair when you expose, otherwise it will just look like you're pointing out her flaws while hiding your own.

If you tell your WW that you plan to expose, she will tell everyone close to her "My H and I are having troubles. He never listens to me, he doesn't understand me. He's always angry and he's paranoid. He accuses me of having affairs when all I'm doing is looking for support in how to fix our problems. I don't think we're going to make it; I can't get through to him, he's just crazy." Then when you expose guess what? You're the paranoid crazy husband accusing her of affairs when she's the angel looking for ways to fix the problems. So zip your mouth and don't mention exposure.

When you expose she will be FURIOUS. Expect it and don't let it ruffle you. She will tell you you've betrayed her and she can never trust you again. She will tell you she's filing for D. She will tell you she was going to give up OM and work on the M but you've ruined any chance you had. And on and on and on. Just remember that this is NORMAL following exposure and words are cheap. Unless she moves out, or unless you have D papers in your hand, it is ONLY talk. She will be furious because her "soulmate" relationship won't look so pretty in the light of day with all her friends and relatives looking at her and knowing. Following exposure, her anger and venom are GOOD things.

4. Spend 15 hours of quality time with your wife each week. This does not mean sitting in front of the TV together, or doing chores and watching the baby together. It means time focused on each other. Play cards after the baby is in bed, or run her a bubble bath with candles and a glass of wine. Sit on the porch and talk. Give her a foot massage. Do this EVERY DAY.

You need to confront this OM also. You should be able to get his phone number off of her phone or your cell phone bill. Odds are he will realize your WW isn't worth it after you confront him.